Lets Talk Over Latte

Stepping Up/Stepping Down

2012-01-22T21:08:00.001-06:00

Have you ever been chasing someone or something but find that someone else is willing to step up better than you, more than you, without ever taking a day off? If you think about it, if there's someone else willing to go forward at a steady pace with gusto; chances are the object of your time and affection is noticing too. That's not to suggest that the one working so hard gets the prize. Conversing with a much younger group of friends I observed that so many were either going out of their way to impress either their boss, potential partner, even platonic friends. I asked how the sucking up was working and if any of them are capable of taking a day off from it. After a lot of laughter over self awareness and validating why it's being done, there was some truth talk about not being able to keep it up as much as others. Most everyone wants to do their best and be recognized for it so I don't find it an unusual or inappropriate act, just something I observed that made my thoughts wander. Do I compare those that try to impress me on a consistent basis to those who do their best under different circumstances such as availability? Do people share the work I give evenly, or are there a couple people who are looking for recommendations and doing all of the work individually as if that will be the determining factor? What about in a personal life? If someone is wanting a relationship do they maintain their quest and build one or do they have peaks and valleys that aren't consistent? Do you think the ability to hunt, ability to be loyal, etc factors in to the decisions you make choosing one person over the other? Have you won and realized it wasn't worth fighting for? Just a discussion that's being thrown out there.

Feel free to share your story about this.

Savannah Jones 2012

Is there someone you would change for?

2011-12-17T16:22:00.002-06:00

What makes someone an expert in relationships? Is it someone who dates often, someone who interviews many people, or is it someone who just happens to have a way of making people laugh and listen? I watched Steve Harvey on Anderson Cooper's daytime show and enjoyed every minute of him the next day on another talk show. While he's really right on with much of what he said, I worried about something he called a "secret". I also am concerned about the message women might have taken away from it. The secret Steve Harvey is referring to is that men are willing to change for the right woman. My stomach sunk when the camera panned to the audience and the look on the women changed from smiles to concern. It brought to mind the repeated scene that would go down when an ex boyfriend who wouldn't change, commit, or marry. Then he committed and/or got married to another woman other than the one crying to me. The names of the crying friend might have changed but the same question was always asked..."Why her, what does she have that I don't?" The first time I was asked this and probably many times after, I would answer with the same reply, "There's nothing different, he just didn't know what he had. Don't worry it's not you." I'm not sure why I said this but with time came wisdom and my answers to the distraught lost friend grew into a reflective answer. "Timing". Maybe this became my answer because I've watched people evolve because they wanted too, not because of someone else. Sure, there might be a special person who becomes the catalyst for change, I'll give Mr. Harvey that, but I really believe that the person wanted that change as well even before meeting this special game changer. Does a woman hear this on Anderson Cooper or from reading the book and think to herself, "If I just keep working at this, he'll want to change for me?" I'm not saying a man won't but I was just thinking about all of the conversations I've heard and thought about the changes the men made and I feel the changes happened out of awareness, maturity, and a self motivated want to change.

Savannah Jones 2011

Let's give them something to talk about?

2011-10-26T18:04:00.007-05:00

Call it boredom, call it drama, call it a need to have something to say. Personally, I'm not sure what I'd call this but I hope next time I want a quiet afternoon... I get it.

So, I'm out at a new park enjoying the day with my dog and believe me this is something I'm forcing myself to do. While I love being outside with my dog, I prefer to do it in a place not frought with drama. One would think a park would be an easy place to do this but this park in particular is ironic. It's fenced in to keep the animals safe so the owners can walk about but the owners are fenced in as well and in some cases not exactly socially safe. My ear was bent regarding a story about a married couple and how the man in this couple is pining away for his ex- girlfriend. The ex -girlfriend moved on and hasn't been interested in this man for many years. I felt sorry for both the wife and the ex- girlfriend. The wife has to deal with this being said; the ex- girlfriend has to deal with a man who thinks she's the one that got away and she isn't even being pursued by the man. I told the courier of this information that it might be best to not spread her friend's life story around, especially in such a public place. For all she knew, I might have known this couple and this was news to me. At this point I started questioning what constitutes being a friend? Is it how you are face - to - face or how loyal and trustworthy you are when no one is looking in but a stranger? I prefer to think my friends aren't running about sharing my life story with others at the gas station, park, charity ball, etc. Of course if they did, I wonder what perspective others would have on it. In this case, I moved away and let it be known that I'm not into that kind of talk but enjoyed watching our dogs play. I know some create drama because they just function better that way and others shy away from it because they function better that way. In this situation, I'm not sure who started the rumor but I think there are a lot of little couriers carrying out the delivery of the message.

As I left the woman asked me what story would I have shared instead? I looked back and shrugged my shoulders. I don't think I would have shared any story while our dogs played. Most likely I would have asked questions about her dog if I was so inclined to lift my head up from my book. Again, just one of the reasons the fence is there is to keep the dogs safe so the humans can get a break.

© Savannah Jones 2011

A Coming Together in The Strangest of Worlds

2011-09-06T20:53:00.006-05:00

Imagine, (I know you can relate) getting a medical bill that you know insurance should have covered but supposedly it was coded wrong. I'm into 90 days overdue which isn't like me but it really is covered and I'm not paying it just because it says I should. The hospital tells me to call the insurance company who tells me to call the doctor, who tells me to call the hospital. You get my drift and I'm sure can feel my pain because if it isn't a medical bill runaround; I'm sure you've experienced it with customer service at one time or another. So there I was on my break gathering my calling materials to make my call back to the hospital but this time I get a wonderful woman ( at least right now she is...we'll see if it all works out). Barb says this needs to move up to a Senior Rep. and be reviewed. Yes, finally this matter is moving. Motion is good if it's forward motion - that's what I tell myself in order to stay patient. Barb recognized my ability to be patient and began to talk about how she has no patience for dealing with her ex so any advice is welcome. She also talked about how she looks forward to her time alone on the every other weekend schedule. I could relate and told her how I miss those times every now and then. Barb can see my children's medical history to an extent and gets it. The next part of the conversation made my day...she said, "Why do people think just because you're divorced you're out sleeping around or trying too?" She went on to tell me how she rents a movie and invites a friend over to watch the movie and have dinner. She rarely leaves her house. I shared with her how I would race around my house every other Friday just to clean it so that when the kids left, I could sit in a clean house and relax on the couch. This is what dreams are made of ladies and gentleman - clean houses and renting movies. In my case, I had to add Chinese food to the Friday night routine. I have no idea who Barb really is and even if Barb is her real name but from the sound of it, we could be soul mates in another lifetime. I hated to end the conversation but break time was over for me and I had to ask for a reference number. It was at that point that Barb promised this matter will be looked at and the problem taken seriously. We were both still laughing at our lives while hanging up. Because of that one interaction today, my day went smooth. (It's the little things) I had an extra bounce in my step all because I connected with someone who shared her story and we both understood.

Now if only dating could be that easy.

Is there a difference and can it make or break a relationship?

2011-07-07T12:50:00.009-05:00

The difference in question is in the following:

Conversation A - between a friend possibly wanting to be more and a woman -

Woman - My car needs a new fan belt and its' costly.

Man - Where are you taking your car and do you need a ride?

Woman - I'm in the waiting room waiting for the work to be finished.

Man - where did you take it?

Woman - The dealer.

(Discussion moves on to other topics)

Woman goes to check out and the bill has already been paid. Later that day the man calls back and inquires the following:

Man - How's the car?

Woman - I was just going to call you because someone paid my bill. Was it you?

Man - Yes.

Woman - You didn't have to do that.

Man - I know I didn't, I wanted to but if I had asked you if you needed help you would have said no. I just wanted to do it and was happy to be able to help out.

Woman- Thank you so much

Conversation B - between a friend possibly wanting to be more and a woman

Woman - My car needs a new fan belt and its' costly.

Man - Where are you taking your car and do you need a ride?

Woman - I'm in the waiting room for the work to be finished.

Man - Where did you take it?

Woman - The dealer.

Woman goes to check out and pays the bill. Later that day the man calls back and inquires the following:

Man - How's the car?

Woman - Car is great but wallet much thinner

Man - I wish you would have told me because I could have helped out.

Woman - That's okay I got it.

(Discussion moves on to other topics)

This post comes about because an observer of life noticed that just as two women behave differently, so do two men but one will not get the girl. It's possible that neither will get the girl but one will stand out as a stand up man who really does what he wants. Everyone helps out in their own way but if someone really wanted to do something for someone - they do it the best they could. Sometimes after a person learns that someone else came through or went above the norm you usually hear something like - I would have helped out if you had asked me. I would love to do something like that for you. (or some version of this deflection) A couple of elderly men listening in on the conversation said there definitely is a difference between the approaches of letting someone know you are there for them. As one of the elderly men said, "If it's a woman talking about her day then she's probably mentioned numerous things she needs help with or wants. If you listen you'll know how to help." A friend once told me that he helps out because anything that can take a burden off or ease up some money for fun things is one of the ways he shows he cares. The example given by him is if he can free up someone's time and stress while also giving them spare money to buy something they enjoy then he's shown his care and love for this person even if he isn't in their immediate life or plans.

Flip it -

2011-06-30T00:59:00.004-05:00

In a recent conversation with a friend we reminisced about the time someone told her, "I can't give you what you want." She was really happy in that relationship, she was secure in what she thought was mutual love, her future looked as if it was moving toward marriage. However, the conversations were changing a bit but she didn't care because in her mind her needs were met, but her words to friends said something to the contrary. So I began to think about different people and relationships and began to see it differently. It's not always that someone can't give or even won't give what you want as much as it's what the person does give isn't what someone wants. I would begin to worry if I was in a relationship with someone or just newly getting to know someone that caused me to miss any of the men from my past. It's awful when you want a relationship to work with someone and the words are there and very kind but the actions and/or lack of action cause you to have seller's remorse over a past partner. Over a nice glass of wine tonight, a friend and I talked about what we REALLY want, you know the real wants and needs that some would say would take a mind reader. We wondered if it's a cultural difference but I could come up with examples that nixed that idea but I do think how we were raised probably factors in to some extent. As I head to bed I am reminded of my nightly phone calls from a significant other. The calls came after two to three other touchpoints throughout the day by way of email and routine calls. We blended our lives and our kids but the same was true for another man who didn't have kids. The calls were the same and the take charge approach to helping out the same too. In fact, my ex did the same. There seemed to be certain similarities that kept momentum in a relationship and good communication flowing toward a blending of lives and even during the worst of times I never yearned for anyone else to step in and give me what I needed. I guess the question left in my mind is what if the problem isn't that the one you want to love can't give you what you want but what if the one you want to love doesn't recognize that he/she isn't because their world is fulfilled?

© 2011 Savannah Jones

The Bachelorette - a hard lesson to learn

2011-06-07T23:27:00.009-05:00

Poor Ashley on The Bachelorette, but what a lesson to single women out there. My daughter and I were watching the show but I was a little distracted by a delayed things to do list. I was off cleaning and organizing while Bentley was breaking Ashley's heart and filling her head with self promoting lies. The DVR became the appliance that allowed for one of those mother daughter touchpoint lessons on narcissistic men. It was painful to watch Bentley look into the camera and say he wanted a rose and got it and basically he wanted Ashley to fall in love with him but he wasn't into her. I don't have a problem with him not being into Ashley and admitting it and leaving because of it. He would have gained the admiration of the viewers out there if he had been honest and had not led Ashley on. It's not easy to break someones heart even if in the long run it is for the best. My heart was breaking for Ashley and my daughter was making me watch the recording because she felt this was an injustice. You see the question going through my mind was at what point does the producer or host feel this mind game can have real long term repercussions and take her aside to let her know what "really" is going on? Yes, she signed up for this and I get that just like we continue in bad relationships. However, most of us have friends who warn us, we have family who caution us when someone is taking advantage of us, and we have real life situations where the friends of the date might step forward with unkind news. When the men were roasting Ashley I was wondering who came up with this idea and why isn't anyone thinking to take the high road for her instead of wanting to impress the guys? On many levels I was bothered by the unfavorable mind games of Season 7. Reality television lends itself to this drama I know and Ashley seemed up to the challenge again of putting it all out there. I kept repeating, "Now that Emily and Brad are over, maybe he'll show up for Ashley since she's ready to put it all out there." However this show may go, and whatever it is doing for ratings, I just hope someone out there has their moral compass pointing in the right direction.

© 2011 Savannah Jones

Where do you go from here and what to take with you when you go....

2011-05-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

Your long term relationship ends and you find yourself wanting to have nothing to do with it. If you've spent a lot of time sharing residences you might leave behind some items of value and even some that aren't. I know in the past I've left behind a cabinet or two full of beauty products and drawers full of notepads, books, and more. In some cases you may leave even more behind such as your design style in the home and of course the hopes and dreams of a future together marked by photos, letters, cards, and even white board calendars marking dates that won't come to fruition together. Women tend to leave behind more "stuff" then men but some men tend to hold onto the items left behind in their homes. I remember almost 6 months went by before I realized I left behind an expensive leather jacket. I wondered if my ex boyfriend knew and would catch it when it was time to bundle up again - not the case. Calling seemed like it would be an excuse to talk and emailing seemed like the right thing to do. By this time we had both moved on and were able to handle emailing. We hadn't ended on a bad note or anything but talking seemed like it wouldn't be productive. I felt like I was in high school lamenting over getting my jacket returned. The email was sent and the coat was dropped off at my front door while I was away. Recently, a friend of mine was packing up her house because she's getting remarried and she came across some mementos from her past relationships. Her fiance didn't find any of this amusing and felt it was a reflection of her feelings for these men. When it came time to clean house at the his place...it was like a shrine to one woman in particular. My friend pointed out how innocently housing a few men's items is a lot better than protecting the memories of one woman. Trying not to make this some kind of red flag; I had a tough time disagreeing. I explained that this is going to happen for many reasons which might include laziness, or lack of closure. What do you think? Is a shrine to one person worse than a drawer full of mementos from a few? How would you handle this situation?

© 2011 Savannah Jones

Your turn...

2011-03-12T22:18:00.000-06:00

Think about those who surround you and those who don't necessarily surround you but step in right when you need it. Somehow those stepping in seem to know just what to do and how to take charge no matter what's going on in their life or how busy their family schedule may be. So, what happens when those that do, start asking about those who don't? I was asked this question while perfecting my juggling act known as life. The person asking the question is a person who does but was inquiring about others in my life and checking to see if these people are perceptive to my needs, understand what is really helpful to me, and do. The questions became more involved with much to think about; including if I was dating any of these personality types would I marry one of them? It's interesting when you think about it because I'm around so many different personalities in a day, yet the personality that drives me the most is one that was apparent in two of my relationships, but definitely the opposite of the one I married. Think about those that surround you and you tell me what it all means to you...

Great Question from a newly divorced woman ...

2011-02-27T21:09:00.003-06:00

Should I assume that the restaurant chosen for a first date is an indication of what it would be like to date this man? This question goes right along with the list of first date questions - Are these the clothes he/she really wears by choice? Do you think he really has manners because he didn't open the door for me? I wonder why he or she was so vague about the last relationship, is it a bad sign? Why do you REALLY think the he/she is divorced? He/She hasn't really traveled and blames the ex do you think that's the way it really was? Obviously, I don't have these answers and didn't when my friend was bothered by the dining choice for the night. Really, I think it was the idea that in her mind this eating establishment has set the tone for other date choices should it be followed by consecutive dates. She wanted to know how to handle bringing up that she enjoys fine dining at least twice a month and likes to wear jeans the rest of the time. She didn't want to appear snobby but was under the impression that the gentleman preferred the same based on previous conversations but that wasn't the dining atmosphere chosen. She also felt that this might be a sign of low investment in the date but he did offer wine she added. So men, this ones for you...what do you think about the first date dining choices, conversation, attire, and level of depth in relationship discussions on a first date. Keep this in mind when answering - these dates didn't happen blindly without prior communication in some length.

© 2011 Savannah Jones

So....

2011-02-06T00:47:00.003-06:00

There's this comment on my previous post and as much as it's a comment about someone else and their friend's life, it's so true of others. I was watching some show or movie and there was this moment when the actor professes that you can't help who you fall in love with; love chooses you. Well, this is a spin off from Kent Nerburn's words but I'll go with it here. We do fall in love with people for many reasons and not all of them are the reasons to spend a lifetime married to someone. There are plenty of people who connect with someone they shouldn't and are disconnected from someone who loves them fully as in the case of "Trying to be a good friend's" comment. The whole time I was reading this I could completely understand why one might question if the fall out between an old relationship needs to stay that way when on the outside it appeared the man was good for her friend and she even suggests her friend turn the other cheek. Sometimes the distance creates the boundaries needed in order to get along. However, I'm sure it's a lonely and frustrating feeling for the friend to talk with a man she has feelings for and come up feeling empty after the discussion especially when the man she was dating was better at helping her while she shared or made it easier to have better communication between the two. But, I question why a friend would view this other past relationship as one of the available options for this woman? This woman is single which leads to options not considered here such as a whole new arena of men that aren't currently part of her life. It's great if someone can help out and relieve stress by taking charge as mentioned. The person doesn't ask you to let him know if you need his help or when you're ready to take him up on his offer of assistance - he just puts the plan in action and does it. It's actually more stressful to know you need help that's being offered and know in your heart you don't feel comfortable taking a person up on it. When another person just does it, it really does remove the stress because it removes feeling like a charity case. However, the good friend also mentioned a third man which brings a different set of cards to the table; it sounded like he's somewhere in between the old boyfriend and the one that's taking a passive approach as listener when what she really wants is talker, questioner, doer. There's another question that goes through my mind and it's what is a good friend? When my friends smell trouble, they try and tell me to get out while I can with my heart still in one piece. My friends also watch and listen to my enthusiasm or lack thereof when I talk about someone who might be interested and along with it they ask a ton of questions about character. While I feel for the woman wanting some good parts of a bad relationship, I also feel for the friend who needs to show her friend that there are options out there other than settling for having to spend a life turning the other cheek.

© 2011 Savannah Jones

The Bachelor...

2011-01-18T22:00:00.005-06:00

New Year's resolution - to make it a point to watch mindless TV and step into pop culture. To go along with this is the extension to be able to communicate with other people who love mindless TV. Who knew it would be so filled with interesting relationship plots, followed by me talking to the television exclaiming are you serious? The show I'm talking about is The Bachelor. However, in the midst of laughing, shaking my head, offering advice to the TV, and using this as a teachable moment to my own kids, I learned something. Apparently, this is a return for the main man. He didn't seem to put himself out there the first time and had trouble connecting. His therapist shows up on the show to offer him advice but to point out that he needs to create moments and if he can bring out the connecting moments in a woman where deep discussions can happen with ease and see the real person inside the woman; he'll make those connections. Those words really made me think about the difference between men who think they are good at connecting and those who really connect and know how to get to the core of a woman to make her want to share more than just her day- to - day life. While I can't imagine being the center of the show or one of the many women trying to date this man, I have a respect for the honest real women who are just being themselves. Picture trying to feel like you have a deep connection with a man who will give you his heart one night but also might share it with someone else the next night because it's all part of The Bachelor process. It is obvious that many of these women want the chase to end early and one woman be chosen the winner. In the middle of my disapproving head shaking I was wondering what would happen if one of the women didn't really like the guy after getting to know him or the chemistry wasn't strong? Would the woman ask to go home or like the competition and play along? Last night my question was answered. A woman left because she didn't think it was right to take a rose away from another woman who really might have and want a chance with this man. Of course, this is when he said she was being most real and if she'd show this side more often, things might be different. So, does a woman always need to be vulnerable and weepy for a man to feel he's broken through? If so, what does he do to keep it going in that direction?

You tell me...

© 2011 Savannah Jones

An eraser...

2011-01-13T18:30:00.012-06:00

Take a moment and think...What parts of your life do you wish you could erase? There I was preparing for a meeting and needing a clean board to work with. All week my board was covered with agendas, schedules, and data that had been outlined in red, purple, and blue. One of my dear coworkers arrived early and we talked about paying the price for trying to shake things up by using deep colors. Well, the metaphors started rolling - If I had just kept to the standard and used a black marker against the white board; clean up would have been simple. By adding a little personality and flare the clean up became murky just like life. My colleague began discussing her marriage and how easy it was when everything was black and white and now that there's a more interesting life it has actually become difficult to keep it going - she's exhausted. I used the magic cleaner (window cleaner) and voila! The marker disappeared. I looked at my disillusioned coworker and said, " Just spray, wipe and problem solved." I used my glamour hand and pointed to the clean slate as if I was Picasso and could create a whole new picture. A high school helper stopped in and had to add her two cents worth. She seemed disappointed that I was able to start over - She said, "Now I have no idea where you were and what you were working on that led you to here." There was a dead silence followed by my sweet peer's laughter. I turned back to the board and began creating in silence but all the while thinking, I liked my clean slate and that's that. Actually, I am a big believer that we are the sum of our experiences since they shape us by giving us strength, courage, hope, and even reality checks. However, every now and then a little window cleaner to erase the mess and see through to the sunshine isn't a bad idea.

The battle cry of the broken hearted...

2010-12-26T21:19:00.002-06:00

For two weekends in a row I decided to indulge in some social time with coworkers and this does include the holiday party. Out of the bunch I'm one of three single women and I'm the youngest of the three but not by many years. I look up to these women because they've raised their children completely solo and have survived many of life's challenges. One woman is a breast cancer survivor and the other has survived and persevered when life was hitting her hard. Surely you can picture this set up...enjoying some food, drinks, good company and great music when the next song began with, "First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side." You know this tune "I Will Survive" and you've probably witnessed exactly what I did. The men and women began to get up and dance while singing their hearts out like they were on a mission to exorcise the haunting rejection of a bad relationship out of their minds and hearts. The rest of the group is all happily married and the three of us women were just laughing while watching the best of the best sing their hearts out. Next up on the DJ's list - "I'm Doin' Fine Now" and my boss had me up and dancing with the group. I guess by the reaction it was taking at least two songs for the exorsism to take hold. My mind began to wander while strutting my stuff - Who are these people singing about? How long ago was their heart so badly broken and why is it still living inside them? Do they feel they've gotten even since they've married? Why isn't the woman who survived breast cancer up and shouting it through the roof that's she's fine? I've been single longer than any of them and I don't have this need to exclaim that I'm doing fine now without anyone and/or that I will survive and why is this? When the DJ did take a break I inquired about the enthusiastic singing; the stories of regret, rejection and renewed hope in the one they married began to fly. Of course I was asked why I don't sing those songs with passion as they did even though I gladly sang along. Really, it boiled down to knowing I really was fine, there was closure in my past relationships and I didn't feel the need to convince anyone especially myself that I was copacetic with it all. The two other women gave that amen I hear you sister look when I spoke. DJ back at it again played the one song that does make me dance with passion and with no hidden reason but yet in this situation quite apropos for the others - "Mercy" by Duffy. This post hopefully won't squash your need to join in the battle cry and I'm happy to lend myself to the cause by holding the beer or wine bottle/microphone for you to get your groove on. But keep in mind that in some way this simple action can validate where one is in life and where one once was. So turn on the music, exorcise those demons in a healthy way and take your pulse. It might be your own self help program to recovery.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

When a stranger becomes a guest in your relationship...

2010-11-29T00:01:00.000-06:00

A strange series of confession type conversations led to this post-
I found myself in an impromptu group happy hour. Often asked but don't usually attend; I like to keep my personal life...well...personal. However, I had a great week and didn't want to go home so it sounded like a plan I could handle. There I was having a great time and wondering why I don't do this more often when the reminder hit. It started with a glare from a man across the room whom I didn't recognize. No worries, he knew the woman next to me from a one night stand around 20 years earlier. While I was taken back that this woman was like this at all in her life, she was mortified that she had run into him. Now I know she could have acted like this was a man she once knew and had no reason to feel she needed to confide in me with the juicy details that I have to say kept my attention. She answered my questions before I could even ask them because she immediately told me it was like he knew something about her marriage that no other person had the right to know and it was because she invited him in to do so 20 years ago. She looked at me for some steamy story that I had hidden from my past but I had nothing. She asked me if I knew what this felt like and all I could say was I only know what it's like to look at the guests and know each had a moment in my relationships that shouldn't have been allowed. There wasn't a free pass without repercussions ever handed out. I didn't engage in affairs but yes, I had been cheated on. The man finally approached her and she asked him to leave. Next up, another person eavesdropping had the story written all over his face. His body language changed when he found out who the dismissed man was and what role he played in this woman's life. It was easy to see he too had a story to tell about a stranger becoming a guest in his life. It was before he was married and became the catalyst to his engagement that led to marriage. He's not really upset anymore since it was years ago and led him to realize how much he cared about his wife but at the time that one time guest had a power that no one else possessed. He too asked if I had ever known something so confusing because as mad as you are that it happened, even if you work it out, this person owns a piece of the relationship. Everyday I keep in mind that everyone has a story and some will tell you, some wear it on their sleeve, and some keep it a secret but it's made them the person they are today. On this particular evening I learned how a stranger becomes (out of weakness) a transient guest who serves a purpose at the time, but becomes unwelcomed company later. Each person involved whether they RSVP'd or not, shares a part of that story that meets at the corners and somehow no matter how much you try and bury it, it sometimes finds a way to surface.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Baggage...

2010-10-19T23:23:00.001-05:00

When a friend wants to fix you up and begins to explain why the prospect is available, the word "baggage" might come to mind. It could be emotional baggage, ex spouse baggage, kid baggage, job/financial baggage and anything the mind wants to tag the baggage. In other words, how big is this luggage and is it too big for one person to carry? What I've learned is one persons idea of a weekender bag is another persons cosmetic bag. I've also seen how one person doesn't even blink at the amount of baggage someone has while another person runs before unpacking those bags begins. What got me thinking about all of this is the show "Baggage". What a great concept; the one I saw had a man asking questions of three women. These women had before them three suitcases of varying sizes - one small, medium, and large. Each woman was asked to reveal her small suitcase and then the man had to eliminate a woman based on what he thought he couldn't handle. One of the small suitcases mentioned -wearing a night guard to bed while another woman revealed the man she's with must become a vegan. One medium suitcase disclosed that the woman stole $10,000.00 from her ex boyfriend. While watching I was surprised by what was chosen to put in the suitcases. The whole time I was looking at this attractive well dressed poised gentleman ask questions and eliminate the women while I was wondering what would be in his suitcases. I felt a man like this had an exterior of confidence but it was like he was trying too hard. After the women were narrowed down to one the man decided if he could handle her baggage. If so, the woman was given three possible choices of what is in the man's suitcase and only one is really true. In this case, the man lives out of his van and truly enjoys this lifestyle. The woman chosen was classy, smart, and knew herself really well. I can't believe this wasn't a deal breaker. She explained to this man that the van doesn't have the comforts she is looking for and she already has. He told her he can hang out at her place. She made a face but then agreed to go on the date. If this was happening off television and playing out in a real life situation I don't think it would have ended in a date. What do you think? When finding matches online should the profiles reveal what type of baggage comes with this person? What type of baggage is too much for you to deal with?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Out of the mouths of babes...

2010-10-05T00:01:00.001-05:00

Wow! What a day teaching children how to identify conflict in a story, discuss power struggles and how they come about without being shocked by what was shared. You see, the kids started blurting out how dad likes to make mom cry and how mom spends money when she's mad at dad. Also declared was how dad's girlfriend makes sure she's just the "girlfriend" (picture a child making the air quotes while saying this) so she doesn't have to take on any "mommy" duties. (again, picture the same air quotes) I told the students we couldn't go on until the grown up stuff was set aside. Naturally, the girls began to share their own stories of control; controlling boys in relationships and making sure they don't talk with other girls. The boys talked about trying to control who their girlfriend hangs out with and also keeping her away from her own friends. At the end of the discussion a student raised his hand and said, "So really this power struggle stuff has been going on for decades and we still don't have it right". We had further discussion and explanation that I won't bore you with here. However, it reminded me of the comments on the previous post. When I think about my own sometimes unwavering schedule I began to remember that the men who've tried to date me somehow fit me in instead of me fitting them into the schedule. These men also had more custody of their kids than their exes. They knew I had a window of time and moved their workout routine or left work a little earlier to make dinner plans work with me when they didn't have their kids and honestly sometimes even when they did. I know, I know, I'm lucky but isn't that taking the lead and saying I'll make it work? When I was reading the comments posted, I felt there was an underlying control and power struggle issue going on in many of the comments. I also felt there was a lack of understanding that even though both parties may want to be together someone has to bend and in some cases only one can and in others both can, you just have to figure out which one you are. When my students shared their stories without prompting, I thought of children I know and what might possibly come out of the mouths of babes and sometimes parents need to think how they'd feel if this adult reality was shared by a child in a public forum. I guess that's what was going through my head; what would the kids in the previous situation have to say about the adults in it? Would the child be happy that mom wanted special time but didn't want to admit it because it wouldn't be what dad wanted to hear? Would the little girl repeat how cool her mom's boyfriend is because he went out of his way to make her feel like a princess instead of going to practice? I know there have been times when getting together and trying to make family time or even adult time happen is next to impossible due to sport schedules but in my past I found men who shared the same thoughts on both. I'm sure it strengthened the relationship and created tighter bonds. Have you learned anything about your own actions from your kids, do your kids play each parent off of one another or tell each a different story knowing it's what you wanted to hear? Just some food for thought...

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Priorities and relationships

2010-09-20T17:51:00.007-05:00

It's one thing when you're married and you set priorities with your spouse about the kids such as family, school, and extra curricular activities. However, what happens when you're not married but dating someone with kids and you aren't in sync about priorities? I wasn't thinking this was anything to write about until three times within one day this subject came up regarding how to handle disagreeing with the priorities of the person you're dating or considering dating. In two out of the three couples the men wanted their kids to be present for a soccer practice instead of spending last minute scheduled quality time with the other parent. The other couple had a different situation, the woman was upset that her boyfriend didn't understand that her child needed to be at soccer practice and he called the coach to say they were going to miss practice to have a family dinner and movie night. The woman had agreed to this in the end but was upset that he didn't understand the importance for her 8 year old daughter to be at the practice. In all cases I found the anger in the women to be about the men not considering the feelings and efforts of the ex wives to take some time to bond. In each case the children involved are 8 and older and have been a part of team sports for years and these exes don't interrupt this process often. These two facts make a difference to me because by then the kids get the idea of team commitment and this "insensitive/manipulative move" isn't happening weekly. As an educator I've had the experience of watching how these choices play out. I also hear how the kids feel about each parent regarding their influence and choices in this matter. It is interesting when the young boys and girls repeat one or both parents view and take it on as their own. Is it really how you'd want your kids to view the other parent? What is it saying about you and your own priorities? What this all came down to in the past couple of days for those involved is how is this guy going to treat the one he loves if there's a game or team practice and the loved one wants family time? The man who canceled the practice is upset because he wonders what kind of person he is considering marrying. He feels that the woman's priorities aren't in the right place and this worries him. He felt the following was the message he wanted to send - Put family before sports and that sports are important but never more important than time with family even if it didn't quite fit the schedule. He also noted there are 12 games, 8 practices and 1 team bonding night so what's wrong with putting family first a couple of times during the season? I would also be concerned if I were to be involved with someone who was showing that a commitment to sports especially practice time, was more important than family time and wasn't supportive of the ex. How would that play out as a blended family and all of the obligatory events? Would we not be a blended family on that day if the event landed on a "practice/game day"? Please do not take this to the extreme...this is about balance. Certainly I don't think you should sign up to be part of team and then not show up for practice and be unreliable about games. But occasionally when a parent is feeling the need to take some quality time with their kids, I do believe that time should take precedence to show that the parent is believing this child is important. By the way, I also applaud the parent who takes the time to realize when their child is in need of special attention and wants to send the message the child matters most.

Projecting an image and taking advice from...

2010-09-15T14:14:00.005-05:00

When the phone rings late at night at my house my heart skips a beat and I'm fearful to answer the phone. Calls in the wee hours can't be good news. On the other end of this particular wee hour phone call was a crying friend asking me why at her age (27) her family is still working against her? Family at the beginning of the call meant her siblings but by the end of the call it encompassed her parents, friends, Facebook page, ex boyfriend, and only somewhat the siblings. Once again, she went on a first date that appears to be the only date that's going to happen with this man. She's upset that it probably won't result in follow ups and follow throughs...so add this name to the list of first impressions only. I'm almost two decades older than this woman but I think she has so much to offer but then again I am two decades older so I have a different perspective than a man in his late twenties/early thirties. She gave me the run down of the date and I didn't catch where the siblings came into play but that might have just been the segway into the rest of the date. The ex boyfriend probably didn't help the situation, he wasn't the most mature man and the relationship was a long one but ended at the right time. Mistake made on the date...saying she and the ex boyfriend had plans to marry. Of course the guy knows this was probably where it was headed but I'm sure the disappointment and body language that accompanied the comment revealed more and was inconsistent with her moving on actions. How do I know? That's how she responds when anyone asks her. Next was how her parents reacted to the break up and how involved they got in the relationship. She didn't see why that might put off a man but a couple of older women had told her once before that a man doesn't want to think the parents will be the ones making their decisions as a couple for them or pushing her to marry. I told her to focus on what she wants but also think about what a man at this point in life is looking for. My guess and it really is just a guess, is that he's looking for a responsible mature woman who can handle herself in a professional situation, family situation, and have a handle on her personal life. The Facebook issue at first was a mystery to me because I haven't "friended" her on Facebook. As it turns out she shared with me what is written on her wall and her status updates. Keep in mind status updates at my age consists of small indulgences, medical updates, and becoming part of special cause groups. If I was a young professional man, I wouldn't want talk about "meeting the girls for drinks and possibilities", pictures that back up the proof of craziness, and status updates on the level of alcohol consumed to be what my future spouse is sharing on a public forum. In the middle of this talk, with her actually agreeing she might need to grow up some, she mentions Brittany Spears. She was flipping pages of a magazine and it said something like Brittany knew she'd have to mature if she was going to keep the man in her life who is somewhat older. The call ended happily with Brittany Spears being the new guiding force. I'm pretty sure when this woman was younger Brittany was the reason her clothes became so revealing and now she's the reason this woman will change her image on Facebook, discussion topics on dates, and maturely handle her past relationship in stride and chalk it up to foolish immaturity and a growing experience. She felt renewed faith that the next prospect will follow up and follow through and I...well I felt the next day will hold the prospect of nap time. Okay, I know I'm out of this stage of the game age wise and most visiting here are, but what advice would you give her and how did you learn it?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

First thought, second thought, after thought

2010-09-07T21:27:00.005-05:00

So it came down to this conversation...
After a lengthy discussion about how long is too long to stay with someone and not get married; the talk turned to who comes first? Should it be about who is first or should it be about balance? Is the message being sent the one you're really wanting to get across? Anyone who has kids knows that it's a a so called balancing act whether married or single but where does a new, current, ongoing, relationship fit in? A question was posed at the lunch table today...should a woman be considered as important as the kids of a man with whom she's been in a relationship? She feels she shares her kids with him and includes him in all activities even though when he has his kids it's about his kids. Not only does he plan activities without her included, he also doesn't make it a point to call her until all activities are over and even then she's not sure the phone will ring. Her old boyfriend emailed her as she was sitting by the phone wondering if she'd get a call after the kids soccer game or not. Of course, timing is playing a part in all of this and her mind began to wander. Relationships take adjusting to make it all work but I don't think it's easy if one or both are so rigid that their life isn't going to change just because they met someone. I felt for this woman because it's clear her needs aren't being met and she's feeling second to the kids and not part of the family. I've always wondered why men and women go around talking about how they want to find that one special person to share their life with and then make that person feel like an afterthought. I'm not saying it's easy to make it all work but there certainly is a difference between the person who makes you feel special all of the time and the one who intermittently fits you in.

Share your frustrations...your solutions

© 2010 Savannah Jones

What kind of person does it take?

2010-08-27T23:04:00.005-05:00

Like others, most of my day consists of dealing with different personalities and trying to appease the masses and those in charge. Sometimes I'm put in charge of others and that's really when I need to be my best. So, what do I do when I'm stuck? I go to those who know how to help me, talk to me, walk me through a process, problem solve with me, and bring out my best. If that doesn't happen, I feel disconnected, empty, like I was allowed to vent but left hanging. Talking with a great friend of mine about careers she mentioned how envious she would be of anyone who had a motivating boss, a person with whom there's a mutual respect, and someone who takes the time to notice. We laughed when she then added, she'd like a man like this in her life. When looking for a person to have a relationship with do you think about finding someone who brings out your best and do you recognize it when it's happening? Does this person support and believe in you to help you achieve the most out of life? Would this person believe in you enough to invest in you - and I don't mean invest in a monetary way but more like time, elbow grease, calling in favors, etc?

What are you looking for, what kind of person brings out your best?

Negotiating Infidelity?

2010-08-11T20:39:00.005-05:00

Turned on The Joy Behar Show to hear if I stay tuned I could learn how to negotiate infidelity and how it might save my marriage. To be clear, I'm not married and wouldn't want to be part of anyone's marriage by being the other woman. I did stay tuned and this was followed up a few days later on HLN with the woman who came up with this idea through being a mistress and asking men why they cheat. She wrote a book which includes the information she gathered from this experience. Basically, this idea is to discuss infidelity being a part of the marriage and in some way this is supposed to keep the man happy. I admit I haven't read the book to know what other ideas and suggestions are mentioned but throughout the interview that aired on HLN's News and Views, the guests were appalled that this was being suggested as a way to make a marriage stronger and better. The guests except for the author felt that this was demeaning to a wife and cause more trouble in a marriage. My biggest issue with this were the people that called in admitting to negotiating infidelities and saying their wives were fine with it. The wives weren't on the calls to back up that thought but it really is hard to imagine it being okay and enhancing a relationship. There are many drawbacks to affairs such as unplanned pregnancy, women falling in love and wanting more and not resting until that comes to fruition, STD's, and more. I do know men who committed adultery and sex wasn't the reason they went trolling. However, on the HLN show, lack of satisfying sex was the main reason given for the straying of men. The callers didn't feel that was so as much as men aren't monogamous creatures. I do know men who've talked about amazing intimate relationships and marriages that were solid but that most times it was some frustration within themselves that caused the weakness in keeping a vow. The daily grind was mentioned as well which made me, a single parent, laugh that the daily grind would factor in. Actually, as understanding as I may seem, I too have a stressful life and that stress doesn't go away when I'm in a relationship. Sometimes the relationship adds to the stress due to a lack of time, but I wouldn't be swayed to hurt the person I was in a relationship with for some flighty fling that takes the edge off. One of the men that called into the show was asked if he's agreed to his wife negotiating infidelity and it was a clear no. Is it okay to negotiate this for yourself but not allow your partner the same leverage?

Curious, what are your thoughts and experiences...

© 2010 Savannah Jones

When did you know?

2010-07-20T13:12:00.006-05:00

If you're divorced or contemplating what you where thinking when you said yes; this question isn't the easiest to answer. How are you supposed to appear to have the answers when your own marriage is over? Like everything else, sometimes the people who are better equipped to give advice are those who experienced turmoil in the area in question. So, you're child wants to know when did you know your ex was the one? I used this question as a teaching moment and talked about the more important part of this which is when I knew it wouldn't work. I'm going to leave out the details here but when you're young and fresh out on your own, most don't have a clue what life has out there to throw at you. We dream of kids and in our dreams our kids are healthy and easy to care for and life isn't changing. Our jobs are easy in our dreams and can meet our financial needs, and in our dreams it's as if we live in a bubble without any distractions, disappointments, challenges, and more. So, that's where I began to answer the question - I talked about character traits and how that's emphasized in life now but not always back in the day. It's not easy to get to see someone under pressure and challenged and to hope you do one day wouldn't be a kind thought. I've heard people tell me they got lucky that the man that asked them to marry them turned out great. Words like growing ambition, growing maturity, learning to value the same things, were also mentioned. And if divorced, I've heard the struggles of staying together to make it work. When thinking about the question and my answer I made sure to use that time to get across the importance of choosing someone you love but to love them for the right reasons and good character traits, values, morals do help foster that growing love. I know there's more but as our kids age, these questions do arise especially if they see differences but even more if they see similarities and you aren't together anymore. Maybe you haven't been asked this yet by your kids but that doesn't mean guidance isn't needed in this area. Not only have my kids asked this question but I have grown adults asking me for advice on what to say when in this position with their own children and having trouble picking out positive traits.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

There's No Guarantee...Rebounding

2010-07-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

If you have teenagers, experience with this age group, and/or keep in touch with teen relatives through some form of social media then you know you're not alone. Maybe you've seen the Facebook Status Update declaring the relationship is over and the person is not only single but also available and ready to date. However the day before, the couple marked their happy days by creating a photo album where each one was tagged. Now, I know adults don't post these minute by minute updates like teens...well at least not as much but it's to show that no matter what age you are, relationships can be difficult to maneuver. Does it make sense that one moves on so quickly and does it make sense that others would jump at the chance to be the first person to go out with this newly single person? Does it add up that only a few weeks later the chosen companion is wondering if he/she is the rebound? It hurts sometimes to think you were just some passing phase and your now ex moved onto someone else like you didn't even leave a lasting imprint. Some like to think they gave the relationship a real effort and lived through it until its' very death. Therefore, there aren't any residual feelings or words left unsaid in their mind so why not move on immediately? Anyone who has been the rebound will have a lot of answers for that. Rebound relationships is still a hot search topic and still there aren't any new revelations regarding it. The searches are still running the gambit of "Do people marry their rebound? Do people rebound right back to the one they left? What if I'm the rebound? How do I know if I'm the rebound?" My personal favorite - "I'm the rebound guy." I like this one the most because the person knows exactly what he is in his relationship, knows how he got there, was a willing participant and now wants some validation that it will all work out and where does it go from here? I'm not saying it won't work out and many rebound relationships do and end in marriage. Some work out the left over feelings while in the rebound and start to notice what is in front of them as more. However, there are some who purposely pick the wrong the person to spend this rebounding time with because they can't handle the full blown relationship emotions. By choosing someone that isn't right but fun to hang out with; there's a built in safety net but with an expiration date. Being the rebound isn't fun and it isn't glamorous especially at parties. Think about it everyone knows the relationship just ended and your date needed to fill a plus one. For that reason alone, I choose to not bring a guest if there isn't a plus one already in my life - too many questions and labels. I would however bring a male friend if he can dance well. I guess this is a difficult place to be in and am often asked what to do about it and if I think there's hope the person who left will come back. Life doesn't come in a nice neat little package with no worries but it sure would be nice if it did. Someone once told me he never felt more alive and in touch with his own heart wrenching emotions as the time he was the rebound. So, maybe use it as a learning experience and if you are worried about your ex loving the rebound and marrying too, start exploring why you care about this so much if really in the end you know this person isn't for you.

Share your words of wisdom...there are many out there looking for some on this topic.

©2010 Savannah Jones

How to show someone you care...

2010-06-26T00:34:00.001-05:00

We're not mind readers and some do ask but others don't feel comfortable telling and then there's the plain old it's over your head so now what? I received an email from a man who is in a relationship with a woman going through a testing period (I like to call it that) similar to one I went through (no need to elaborate). He was sent to this site to ask advice on how to best be there for her. Well, I was flattered but at the same time thinking he's not the only one wondering. Everyone is different in this area so maybe my advice will be generic enough that it might help. When I compare myself to my friends in need, I don't need the rub on the back or constant hug to say it's all going to be okay but keep in mind, many people not only like this but need it. Instead, I need to work on the problem and that will make me feel better. If you've "been there" for someone before than you know that it isn't always the easiest but should be unconditional. Just what does "being there" mean? Generically, it's listening to the person when he/she needs to vent but also knowing or asking if that person wants an opinion/help/or just an ear. Sometimes it may mean rolling up your sleeves and getting really involved in the problem in order to be helpful. On the flip side, I had a friend who walked with me almost everyday and we never talked about what was going on because I just wanted to walk and not think about it all. Frankly, it was all too much for some to understand at times. However, those walks were the greatest and she'd vent, I'd listen, and we'd laugh. My friend would feel guilty complaining about things that seemed small (in her words) in comparison but to me it felt good to be able to listen to her and feel someone still trusts and values my opinion when everything around was crumbling. Include the person in your life it really makes them feel a part of something and less alone. We all have people in our lives that represent different parts of us and are a part of us for different reasons and circumstances. Be open to letting people in who want to help and possibly have good advice even if it's a stranger. "Being there" is trusting the person who needs you no matter how absurd it sounds. This person lives it daily and it probably consumes them so this person needs to be trusted and will be open to listening if that foundation is there. I was in a relationship while being tested and having that person there to make me laugh, take me away from it all, and problem solve was a huge support system for me. I'm sure he had to take a lot of deep breaths along the way especially when it seemed there would be no end to it. We live in an instant response, instant solution world and when we don't get that, we have to readjust and find patience with the ones we love; refrain from showing our own frustrations that our loved ones are suffering. I've put the words "being there" in quotes because most importantly show up. Show up and let the person know you not only are there when he/she calls you but even if he/she doesn't. Don't just take the time but make the time. Like most people my time isn't very flexible and open, but I will invite the person to come to my house instead of them being alone. I've been taken up on it more than I ever thought I would but when someone needs a friend, it seems they'll meet you half way if necessary especially if they understand your limitations as well. Usually, my way of saying I'm here if you need is a phone call, a card, and just stepping in and doing something even if not asked or told to. On the other hand for me an email seems too easy and insincere so is a text but if that's how the person communicates it just might be what he/she needs. Trying different ways to "be there" until you find the one that fits the two of you is worth it even if your role is the friend that takes walks and vents about your own problems at work, with kids, with ex spouses and the cashier that treated you meanly yesterday.

If you have other suggestions please add them to the comments. There are a lot of people who'd like to get advice in this area. This wasn't the first email of it's kind but it specifically mentioned the same challenges I had gone through so it touched me to want to put it out there...

©2010 Savannah Jones

Say yes, say no, be ambivalent...

2010-06-15T15:58:00.006-05:00

Let's Talk
It always seems so simple... You ask a relationship question to the one you're with and you think to yourself what could be so difficult that coming up with an answer is so burdensome? I remember a long time ago being told that I'd have only one chance to say yes to a possible future marriage proposal and that was told to me just three weeks into the relationship. Sounds simple enough: You're with someone you love and with whom you discussed marriage, the question will be popped, and you say yes. Ask that same question after only a few weeks and not so simple. Then there's the just say no...It happens if you're in a long term relationship that the " Where is this going" discussion will pop up. Why not just be honest and say what's on your mind? If you really love this person but you aren't going to get married again or marry him/her why not just say so? If the person asks do you think one day we'll get married? It certainly seems easier to say yes rather than ruin the evening and your immediate future by saying no but is it really easier? If so, for whom? Now let's talk about being ambivalent...Neither yes or no - just enjoyment, vagueness, stringing along, open ended answers, nothing definite, flying by the seat of your pants, and let's not forget "Can't we just have fun, why all the questions?" So I was asked, who is hiding more - the person who says yes when he/she should really be saying no or the person who says no out of being afraid and should be saying yes and go for it? And, next up what if the ambivalent person doesn't care that he/she is wasting your time because of the good time he/she is having and has no problem stringing you along until the person knows you are going to put the fun on hold for some real concrete answers? Another question I was asked - Is it okay to date someone and not get too serious because you like the company but don't want the entanglement at the moment? I'm a believer in being open about your situation and where you are in your thoughts even if those thoughts are undecided and/or in limbo not ready to make a choice. Sometimes, well actually all times, we have no control over how the other person will react to what we have to say but keeping the other person in the dark isn't playing fair and borders on the selfish side of things don't you think?

Share your stories of yes, no, maybe and how it effected you and those you were with...maybe your insight will shed light on those struggling.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Let's Talk

2010-05-26T22:09:00.005-05:00

Let's be real today and ask yourself would you like your past boyfriend/girlfriend to talk with your new one and give advice? Strange request I'm sure but running into an old friend brought up this subject. You see I didn't really date the man I ran into for very long but we became friends instead and have a mutual admiration for one another. We introduced each other to the group of friends we were with which was met with a lot of knowing responses ...Comments such as, "Oh, this is that guy and oh, this is that woman" were said which made us both wonder what we said about each other. Of course being single the question of dating arose and I found out that his engagement had been broken off about a year ago. With a sigh he told me he wished his ex wife could have explained his needs to his ex fiance because maybe that would have made life easier. What a thought...could my ex boyfriends give advice to one another or a new man in my life and would it really be necessary? What advice would need to be given and does that mean there's a problem in the relationship that wouldn't exist with the others? And so the quest for explanation began. My friend, I'll call Bob, explained that his ex wife understood his need to be understood and listened to. She just knew how to do this. I remember a different story when I met him but okay, I let him go with it. He also described a need to be productive and feel like when he's down, stuck or lost, his fiance could have made this a better situation and not just a feel sorry for him time. His ex wife apparently knew how to do this - Again, I remember this differently when he described his marriage years ago to me. The final one was about sex and how his ex and him had the best compatibility in this area and his ex fiance had a thing or two to learn about momentum in relationships and keeping things going. She traveled often and wouldn't call. When home, her kids got in the way but this is all just his point of view. When I knew this man, he was all about his kids and he traveled but he did call each night and we had only been on two dates at that point. I let him talk and voice his side of the story and of course there wasn't anyone there to refute it. But when challenged with what I remember him telling me about his last marriage, he said being single again was too new to him when we met and he didn't have an appreciation for the good things they shared. When asked which man I'd have give advice to any man I might date it wasn't hard to come up with a name but that doesn't mean the relationship was one I'd repeat. All those around listening and engaging in the conversation had at least one name they could think of to give their current partner advice including ex spouses. Interesting that we may not be able to make things work out with someone but feel they might be the one who knew us best. So "Bob" added that you could know someone so well and like all of the things you know about them but it doesn't mean you know how to meet those needs or come through for them. Then again doesn't this come down to it's not you it's me babe?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

What is a supportive partner?

2010-05-14T05:24:00.000-05:00

In the past, I've heard divorced men and some women say their ex wasn't supportive. This isn't something that comes out of nowhere but it is a chance to find out what being supportive to that person means. It could even be a great place to start finding out what being a partner to this person might entail. We all know there's two sides to every story but somewhere in the recounting you should be able to dig in and ask questions for clarification. Sometimes we take our strengths and offer them up to the new person in our lives when really this is also their high point. Your efforts may fall short because it isn't what the person on the receiving end is looking for. What seem like weaknesses may present themselves as gifts with the right person. There is a flip side to this as well; you may also hear within the stories the shortcomings of the person you were hoping to connect with. These shortcomings may not jive with your needs and possibly hit a nerve regarding your views about values, personalities, and abilities. So many words can be interpreted differently and no one says you can't ask the speaker to be more clear in their meanings. I remember a story about a man saying his ex wasn't supportive of him and instead of the woman shaking her head in agreement like she understood she asked what the ex wasn't being supportive about. He couldn't give one concrete detail. Then she asked if he felt he couldn't do anything right and if so what were those things? That's when it came out that he had been unfaithful, ran the family business into the ground because he was having affairs, but to trust that he wouldn't do that again. This woman realized she knew this story and didn't let on at all, but she knew the story from a different perspective - the ex's friends. It turns out that after awhile, there wasn't much the man had been doing that anyone including his own friends could support. Well, we all have our own ideas of being there for someone and helping out, but what's yours and is it the same as the person you are hoping to walk with down the aisle? What if your strength isn't in the area your partner needs or vice versa - how would you handle that? And, what if you have a sharp edge to you and while it's so helpful to others, it's not for your partner? With regards to being unfaithful, so many people say you can't change, so what about this supportive area of a relationship? Are you what you are and that's that? Will it fail each time and there will be a long line of ex's saying you weren't supportive? Could it be that you are asking too much and the long line of ex's will say they did all they could to support your needs and cheer you on but it was never enough and it was like jumping through hoops?

Let me know your thoughts...

© 2010 Savannah Jones

What does jealousy really say about us and the people we love?

2010-05-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

There's all kinds of jealousy - People can be jealous of friends, admirers of partners, jobs, co-workers, exes, and so much more. But, what does it all really mean? Does it mean you care about your spouse if you're jealous or you trust your spouse if you aren't? All week the subject of jealousy kept rearing its ugly head in different areas of my life. I was being approached for answers to marriage questions, work situations, friends and their money, and even jealousy over children. The week before I had briefly overheard a newscast where a study was highlighted about jealousy. In a short blurb I heard something about men get jealous over sex and women over love. When I brought that up the next day, people agreed. Obviously, not being a man I can't answer for them but I hear that would be true for the most part but what is this really saying? While I was wrapped up in hearing my friends and co-workers concerns about jealousy I hadn't really thought about what it all means, it's impact on us and what it's saying about us until now. I've never really been the jealous sort, if a relationship didn't work out I didn't get jealous about the next woman. Usually, if it didn't work I'd consider myself lucky and wonder when the other woman would experience what I did. I was approached about a situation where the boyfriend wasn't getting jealous and never did when his girlfriend would flirt or be flirted with. He never worried if she went out with the girls or cared if she danced with anyone else. This actually bothered the woman leading her to think he doesn't care. What came to my mind first was - how nice he trusts her and knows she can be counted on. Next up, co-workers jealous that a couple of people get recognized all of the time and can't the boss understand that he's been fooled? Well, first I wouldn't underestimate the boss and second my advice would be why not worry about yourself and do your best to be recognized? I don't think it was what they wanted to hear. The child one was particularly interesting to me. A woman with non-issue type kids is jealous of a woman with a special needs child. The woman having less kid stress is actually jealous because she says not as many people worry about her, listen to her, or accept that she has to be there for her kids like they do the ones who have special needs children. Having children needing an excessive amount of time due to special needs, I was surprised. I don't feel sorry for myself but it would be nice to go one whole week without the needs having to be attended to and nothing going wrong because of the one week hiatus. On the other hand, having these challenges has made us a stronger family and I've become even more knowledgeable in a field I was already in so I pass it on. Another woman spoke up and said she was jealous of the 30 year old who didn't have kids and was free to do whatever she wanted on her own time and the 30 year old was jealous because she can't have kids and is having trouble adopting. It was starting to sound like people always wanting what they don't have but looking further what is this really saying? When our partners get jealous do we like it or can it go too far? When a co-worker is jealous of someone being recognized often, why? We put a lot into having kids or the decision not to but is it what we really want? I have some thoughts of my own but please share yours...

© 2010 Savannah Jones

2010-05-04T21:41:00.002-05:00

So imagine opening an email from a man in the past. Okay that really isn't a shocker but when the email's content goes into specifics about how your life is an easy mark for becoming someone's mistress without knowing or having someone cheat on you, one might wonder is this some joke, some confession, or an honest attempt at making amends by admitting weakness. The email outlined why my life makes me a prime target for those looking to have an affair or a magnet for men who can't commit to one woman. My life really isn't all that different in terms of routine, kids, responsibility, but my life varies from some by occupation limitations and availability due to being a single parent mom. For the same reasons I could unknowingly end up being a mistress, I could also be cheated on but not as easily as being the reluctant mistress. You see my job seems to be the real issue since I am limited in my ability to use a landline phone, a cell phone, I can't leave unless there is a scheduling issue (which is rare) I can't leave for lunch and my lunch is only 20 minutes long. An insecure man would probably just love the routine and security in knowing this is where I am at least 8 hours of the day. However, what might make an insecure man become a trusting man, is also what makes me appealing to a cheater. I won't be able to go looking for him and I don't have a lot of time to talk and ask questions over the phone. Email and texting for some is easy but we are monitored and using my cell is hard to do if I'm doing my job properly. I've never been anyone's mistress but I do see why a man looking for an easy target might see my life as a perfect situation. I'm busy with my kids four out of five weeknights. I have one of those evenings where I'm available for dinner. How nice if you have a family and are a married man. I can't ask for much time because I don't have the time to offer. I'm with my children 24/7 and don't split visitation with anyone therefore, my holidays are with my kids and my free time to a minimum. Again, not leaving time for me to beg a man to be with me instead of somewhere else like another family. Well, this does explain how a person who understands himself and sees the real truth that when frustrated will cheat and seek out someone who won't make it a hassle might choose a person with limited availability. However, I don't see this to be the rule in life. I'd hope that most men looking for this type of relationship will find a woman looking for this same type of situation. And by the way, I'm not that woman...

Life review - are you an easy target? Do you look for an easy means to fulfill your dark side?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

The question that I can't give a straight up answer to....

2010-04-26T16:27:00.006-05:00

In talking with a dear friend about relationships this question was posed - "Would I take a man back after so many years of being apart due to his age and the idea that as a man grows older he has more of an appreciation for what he has? This implies that he won't cheat anymore, won't create problems where problems didn't exist, he won't devote time and energy in the wrong direction in the relationship and all other problems and concerns would disappear as he aged. " I really had a tough time giving a straight clear cut answer due to all of the what ifs? It is hypothetical but how would you know this has all truly changed and is appreciation enough to stop the problems from creeping up again? This question was of interest to me because I've often been asked what my take is on returning to a relationship but then again, I'm older which means so are the prospects. In this case the question was being asked by a 25 year old. Twenty years ago I was told by a 48 year old woman that women need to turn their heads until their husbands turn 45 and that's when they grow up and stop acting like a child who deserves it all. Okay, well I'm now that age, dated men that age and wish I would've asked for clarification. For example, what behavior would I be turning my head away from? Obviously, that makes a difference in the relationship. Looking at this young woman I could see that she was caught between lowering her own self esteem by taking him back and standing up for herself but being without him. She wanted to know what my age and years out there were telling me. Unfortunately, I'd have to live a little longer before I could give her an answer. She found it funny and I found myself feeling apprehensive with pictures in my mind of men I've dated coming back to say they were too old to make the mistakes their younger selves made and that's when my answer came to me. I was feeling apprehensive because as I told her, I respect myself very much now and learned that sometimes in the past I didn't. I put up with stuff I shouldn't have for what seemed like the greater good at the time and in the end sacrificed my self respect. No good ever came from this and is this what I'd want my own children doing? I try to teach my children that respecting yourself and acting in accordance with it is important. When I started to move in a positive direction, I noticed my daughter following suit. So, I told this sweet twenty something that she got a peek into a part of this man that some don't see until it's too late. Some find out on their wedding day and others find out later. Then I asked her, "If knowing what you know would be enough to tell your own daughter to stay away then go with that for yourself?

What advice do you have for this woman?

Surprise...you chose to be the rebound.

2010-04-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

Harsh as this may seem...If it stinks to be the rebound, why did you choose it? What promise was held out there that made you think this is the role you want to fill? I find my site has been searched for rebound information more than any other topic these days. One search in particular got my attention - "It sucks being the rebound guy". I'm sure it does...I'm also sure it "sucks" to be the rebound girl but did you know this was where you stood in line when you began the rebound relationship? If you did, were you thinking that you'll be the one that's there and it will turn into love when he/she is ready? I've been asked if I think people can marry their rebound and really I don't have these answers. I know of people who married on what looked like to outsiders as the rebound. I also know that a couple of these people were dating for a few years before marrying. Does this mean they were still rebounding, or maybe it all got worked out while dating? I've never asked because I feel it may demean the relationship in its' meaning.

So, instead of writing my version of the rebound, why not use this time to share what the problem is for you and anything else you have to add on the subject.

iPad, iPod, Kindle,etc. and You

2010-04-13T16:46:00.010-05:00

If I was ever having trouble defining, expressing, or categorizing myself, well...the past few weeks in the tech world pretty much summed it up for me. With the release of the iPad at least the question of whether I'd run out to get it was resolved. No, I enjoyed a beautiful day outside instead and was happy I didn't spend it loading up the iPad to make it a computer like the one I already own. I just couldn't see where it would function in my life where I didn't already have something that would. Besides, I had a visual conceptual issue because to me it looked like my old iTouch on steroids. By the way, that iTouch was sold on Craigslist because it went unused. Any app I'd use is accessible through my Android phone at all times. I don't have to wait for a hotspot. There's no music on my phone as it would be counterproductive since I use the rhythmic sounds to soothe away stress and escape; that's what my classic iPod wrapped in a Starry Night skin is for. The skin is for individuality but also to enhance the mood while relaxing. While I don't make it a habit to accessorize myself with belts, jewelry, and add ons; my electronics are taken care of with carefully chosen covers, screens and pouches. A friend of mine purchased the iPad and it's colors are amazing but I couldn't see reading a book on it since I like the classic look and feel of a book. For that reason alone, I didn't think I'd like an E Reader. I like the feel of holding a book and getting lost in it. I create documents on my Netbook for ease but also use my desktop to take care of important business such as using Turbo Tax and storing my iTunes because I do believe in a good solid system that stays in place. Come to think of it, a man like that would be great too. Last week while playing on the iPad I filled my desire and just like eating dessert, I had my fill and was done. Within the same week I received the Amazon Kindle as a gift. Loved the simple packaging and workability factor right out of the box- no guessing games here. Again, note to self, a man like that would be nice too. I turned the Kindle on and wondered why it wasn't so bright. It felt like something annoying was missing; something I was used to but could tell I'd probably like to live without. Go figure...what I didn't like on the iPad became something I was adjusting to on the Kindle and then it hit me. I'm so used to reading my news online that I was missing the bright background light that sometimes causes me agitation. Yes, I can be sensitive to light and extra high sensory stimulation. However, after settling in with my E Ink Kindle I got it. I like simple, classic, being drawn in, zero distractions, a feeling of one -on- one, an actual keyboard, and the ability to step outside if necessary (web is available) but to go right back in a flash. After getting comfy in my desk chair and reading an article from Slate; I realized I want and like to hold books. Thus, reinforcing my need to play with new toys but have a feeling of familiarity. Onward I went using my desktop to hunt for a cover and gave up my traditional preference for black leather and opted for hot pink-Woo hoo it was like living on the edge for me. Next, I picked out a skin, not so much to make the Kindle stand out but really it enhanced the keyboard for my eyes that lack depth perception. In other words, I'm aging but to go along with my fondness of scenes that depict serenity, I picked a picture of a beautiful solitary tree in the midnight sky. What seems to be a trivial interest and in some ways a diversion to me, shed light on who I am for others that surround me. This light was so bright apparently that I was asked if I date "power users" like me (term had to be explained to me), men who like nature, men who lean towards introversion with extroverted social skills, Buddhists or people who are into balance and stability, men who like real productivity technical gadgets opposed to gimmicky/sexy/trendy phones and such (iPhone was used as an example), eclectic music lovers with an appreciation for more than just the song who just happens to also enjoy art, readers, and people interested in human behavior who also like to get down and dance. Wow! All of this revealed through my gadgets. Sounds dirty I know, but then the thought of meeting that type of man kind of made me drift off to fantasy land picturing us sitting on the beach, each with our Netbooks, Kindles, Android phones on vibrate, iPods playing our favorite playlist, with our Bose speakers set up in the hotel room to enhance the sound of a great musical or audiobook. Okay, I'm completely going overboard and some of it would be overkill but you get the idea. Do you find yourself judging others by their choice in electronics if money isn't a factor or even if it is? Do you pay attention to these details that seem small really but seem to reveal a lot about a person if this is an area of interest? What do your gadgets say about you or the people you date?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Time for a change...

2010-04-12T21:58:00.003-05:00

When you want to read the comments or to make a comment, click the comments link. If you want to add a comment please scroll to the bottom and you will find the comment box to add your words. At the bottom where you need to pick a profile feel free to click the arrow and choose anonymous or whatever choice fits your need.

This isn't a big change just a layout preference...Enjoy!

The Middle of The Night...

2010-04-01T23:04:00.006-05:00

When I walked into work today I asked the first single woman I saw, if when she can't sleep and while awake after one too many drinks, does she want to call the guy she's no longer with or just misses him and doesn't call? This was actually a shocker question coming from me at 7am or anytime in general and the question was met with quite the honest answer followed by the question - What in the world brought this up? I know she was hoping to hear some story about how I had a lot to drink and started missing some boyfriend from my past and began to rethink my decisions. Well, not a chance...no drinking or rethinking. It's just that on my way to work I heard three songs in a row; the first one was "Need You Now" followed by "Lips of an Angel" and then one other that I don't know the title too but it's current. All three songs when combined had the longing issue, the calling aspect, and one had the alcohol induced reminiscing. My mind began to drift thinking back to past relationships and wondered why I just fall asleep even after a glass of wine or two I don't go there in fact, as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm out. When I hear a song that takes me back I listen to the song (sometimes) and I guess I'm at a place where it isn't a focus of mine and I'm happy for the time or frankly, just have moved on and the feeling is removed. However, this must be a common practice for those broken hearted who feel lost and alone and I'm not sure it's a good routine to get into. A random night or two is probably a therapeutic thing as long as you don't call, but anything more probably isn't so great. The woman followed me telling me that she used to do this when she was younger but after having kids, her focus changed and no man was worth losing sleep over. As I was gathering my things for an important meeting; I tried to find that focused career minded person within and realized it was hard to take me seriously since it was casual day (hair in ponytail and all). and noticed I was more open and lighthearted than usual about personal subjects. But serious I became after being asked if I longed for anyone and the only thing I could ever remember longing for was peace within all areas of my life. I realized I didn't long for any relationship and came to the conclusion that's because if you're longing for it then I am assuming it wasn't right in the first place. You usually long for what you wanted it to be and not what it was. While heading to this meeting I thought this longing discussion was a one on one with a friend but it turns out there was an eavesdropping single man in the hall and his reaction was priceless. "There is no peace in life, if a woman is in it and even if she isn't." As we entered our meeting smiling and relaxed it made people wonder. A lovely lady sarcastically made it clear that if we didn't tell her what we were talking about she was going to lose sleep which would cause her to do a life review and then probably make some bad choice. I'm sure there's a story there but we didn't have time to follow through.

So, what do you think...do you long for what you didn't have or what you did? Should you work on relaxation techniques to not "go there" when the night is long or the alcohol too much? What's your story?

© 2010 Savannah Jones

Before/After

2010-03-23T02:50:00.000-05:00

In anyone's history there are times when clarification about time is needed and usually the words before and after are used. Such as, Before I had kids, After the baby was born, Before we moved, etc. Events seem to need that preface to put them in the correct place and time but also to let the listener know at what stage of life you were in order to make sense of the story or feelings attached. Sometimes it's a reminder to the one sharing the story where in time this all fit in. If you've been divorced or were in a long term relationship that ended you might find that you are beginning the story with before or after because it's how you compartmentalize what you've done and lived. What I noticed is that when a significant event takes place even if we don't define ourselves by it; others might when engaged in a conversation. Our sentences begin with before or after and it seems somewhere in between isn't an event at all. While discussing vacation spots with a friend; I was asked if I had visited this relaxing spa before or after a particular life changing event. It didn't really matter to me so I wondered why it seemed important to her. She really didn't know but commented that in some way knowing assisted her in picturing me there. Space is what I thought of...Am I living in a black hole and all of the things I'm doing and being involved in are just happening in a blank space of time if I don't mark it by before or after? Well, it really isn't how I see things but definitely how others do. While I type this there are many anecdotal comments that come to mind. So, have at it and enjoy, share your before and after stories and let it all out about how you feel that to some you only had a worthwhile time if it can be defined by before or after.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

It's complicated when...

2010-03-02T21:59:00.003-06:00

Relationships can get tangled and into murky waters when the two involved aren't really communicating their feelings and expectations. There are so many books and websites offering advice about how to navigate this -some mention playing it cool and not talking about feelings and expectations. But, what happens if you think you're in a good place and find out that your new interest also thinks you're in a good place but isn't as committed to this as you? I'm not saying he/she is out looking for additions to his/her dating pool just that he/she isn't moving as quickly as you. Do you become disillusioned or do you take it in stride and adjust accordingly? How about talking it out? I asked a friend why she thought a man wasn't ready for more of a deeper relationship and she simply didn't know because she didn't ask. It turns out that the man has his hands full right now. His ex wife just accepted a job a couple of hours away from home so he has full custody until weekends. By the time the weekend rolls around he's too tired to go anywhere and is busy cleaning up the house from the weeks mess. All understandable and also understandable that others find a way to make it work out regardless of the problems. However, something else might be falling by the wayside when making the relationship a top priority. So what do you do if you are asked out on a date by someone else who isn't taking your relationship so seriously? My friend was asked out and didn't want to go but didn't know why she wouldn't considering it seems she's not a priority and the guy told her it's complicated and doesn't know when it won't be. Presented with this at one time, I remember a man asking me what was so great about what I had that I couldn't go on a date with him? Considering I was newly dating someone and he'd been dating around up to that point, the curious man actually found a technique that makes a person think. Of course the impulsive reaction is to accept the offer of the date. However, I didn't...I informed the man I newly dated that if it wasn't the same on his end then I need to let him know I'm going to date. It changed the man's idea of how this was going to go and made me realize I might have just jumped forward a month or two into a more serious form of dating and higher expectations. It was all good and life has a way of making it all work out or at least making us think it is all working out due to some master plan. The next time you're thinking this is all so complicated and you aren't sure you're up for the challenge; think it over and consider just being honest and throwing it out there. Either way you'll have an answer and maybe it doesn't have to be so complicated.

© 2010 Savannah Jones

If we are so predictible...

2010-02-22T00:01:00.000-06:00

According to Physicist Albert-László Barabási, we are quite predictable; we are so predictable that he could tell us where we'll be with about 93% accuracy. 50,000 anonymous cell phone users were studied for research in the area of human mobility. In the physicists own words,
"The surprise was that we couldn't find unpredictable people," Barabási says. "We are all boring." While reading the article I wasn't so surprised to find out that my whereabouts are for the most part and for lack of a better word - routine. Apparently even the outgoing and the people perceived to be spontaneous aren't all that impulsive or unpredictable either. So now I want to meet Albert and ask him a few questions. For starters, have you ever tracked someone who is on the verge of having an affair? Is the behavior really predictable and if so, could this physicist send us an email before we say yes to a marriage proposal? I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't believe this study that was done over an extended period of time didn't have at least 10% of the subjects at one point or another stray from their normal routine and maybe they did but didn't go into detail about it. However, I'd like to know if it happened and to what degree. I'm sure we have enough information telling us that at some point or another we have a certain percentage of people shaking things up in their relationships and not exactly following their day to day routine. Well, I looked back through the article and the cell phone carrier is a European carrier...maybe we need to try this in America and compare the data. I know one or two people who have been found to be somewhere other than where they had mentioned or what would fall in line with their day to day world and words...Would this fall under routine for those people or unpredictable behavior? If we are so easy to peg; why are we so surprised by the actions of some of our loved ones and even those we don't know?

Knowing your place...

2010-02-15T00:02:00.000-06:00

Knowing your place...what does this phrase mean to you?

Just asking and then I'll go from there so please share your ideas :)

© 2010 Savannah Jones

What happens when you ask for advice...

2010-02-12T14:55:00.007-06:00

Who knew there could be so many different ways to say the same thing? Well...I'm sure I did but when a long time ago I asked for some advice on how to go about something important to me; I learned where that whole OMG exclamation originated from. There are so many ways to look at something whether it be a problem, a photo, a piece of art, a favorite wine and in all we accept that our friends see things differently than we do. However, when asking about a life changing issue with life changing consequences...the responses weren't really different in their meaning but the delivery was so varied that it revealed even more about each person than really what I should do. I got so interested in what the different people were saying and what it revealed about themselves and thoughts about me that I no longer really cared to make a decision. Yes, I know that not making a decision really is making one too but my friends and I had more to talk about when talking about the different points of view presented and the people presenting them than the problem at hand. For example, in all cases by people I view as positive natured and diplomatic, I was described as well liked, earned my way to what I was asking for, diplomatic, and more positive thoughts along that line. Although one person saw it differently just as I see that person differently...my likeness, my earning my way, my diplomacy was seen as something to contend with. In other words, if you do your job well and you are a woman who gets things done, you might be somewhat a force of nature to deal with and therefore will probably get your way. Only one person out of all of these people had an opinion that mattered to me and that was the person I was going to have to deal with to make some changes. So, I decided to test the waters...I chose to take the advice of a dear friend who told me I just have a charming way to say what I need to say without offense and I need to use that talent to feel out the situation, see what side I'm on and so I did. I started off with a joke and we laughed and then talked about some of the strange last minute changes and all. The conversation went well and the next thing I knew this man was confiding in me and spilling it all; more than I wanted to know. I had no time to ask for anything. When he finished I ended up getting his own unsolicited opinion of me and was told not to worry... he said he knew the time would come for us to talk and if what I want can happen it will and with good reason and if it doesn't it's because someone is a force of nature to deal with and then added not the good force of nature. Wow! the only negative said about me was also why someone else might get what I want and the person in charge saw me as the opposite. So what does this say about the one, the one and only person who expressed this? That was the thought running through my head and as I cheerfully turned to walk away I was interrupted with, "Don't ever change, you have a way about you that puts people at ease.Thanks for listening." I went back and emailed my friend to say thanks for the encouragement and finding the right words to make me feel comfortable enough to pull it off. I find it ironic that some people find forces of nature something to contend with and not have the heart to deal with it and others view forces of nature like a force of sunshine pushing through the clouds. Why is that? Is it their own projection or is it the perception given? Is there a difference in how the two handle things and therefore viewed negatively by each? I leave the interpretation up to all of you...Share your thoughts.

©2010 Savannah Jones

Saying just some simple words

2010-02-06T00:42:00.006-06:00

Some people just want to know their feelings mattered...We all know the magic powers of the words "I'm sorry." It's amazing how long one can hold a grudge or hold out love because the person causing hurt didn't apologize. It's also amazing to me how uncomfortable those words are to some and the lengths some will go to make sure the tables get turned so they no longer are the ones feeling the need to make amends. Kind actions sometimes fill the gap where an apology was expected - that one always makes me laugh because those words seem to be so hard compared to the time taken in action to fill the space where the words belong. We teach children to end disagreements with a simple I'm sorry and then often this is met with disbelief if the infraction happens often. We somehow hear it so much from others that it seems disingenuous and we tend to disregard it. But, can a delayed apology turn back time and make something that hurt so much seem so insignificant or petty or did time reduce the memory of the induced pain? Many times I find people have searched my site for advice on how to get back with an ex and I wonder if any of these men and women tried to share their remorse or do they think they can just knock on a door and say take me back? When is an apology worth listening to and when is it worth allowing it to change the status quo? Certainly, I have my own thoughts but wanted you to share yours...

©2010 Savannah Jones

Who is to blame?

2010-01-31T17:51:00.000-06:00

Recently some research findings were released regarding the divorce rate and Social Network Sites. In the research one law firm was able to find that one in five marriages that ended cited a Social Network Site as a reason. There were more examples and more situations where other sites were mentioned but Facebook seemed to be the one site I recognized. Thinking back to my own marriage and the years that followed...I was the technical one and my ex never owned a computer and barely knew how to operate his cell phone's web application. Not an old fashioned man just a man intimidated by technology and the unknown. So ironically I should have considered myself divorce proof? Definitely I agree that the social networks are reconnecting people and allowing impulsive responses and thoughts to be public. But, how does this differ from an unexpected face to face encounter, a get together lunch, finding a running group and connecting? I know that many feel more daring and extroverted when hiding behind a firewall and monitor. Flirting becomes a breeze and taking that one minute to type a short thinking of you message may be what's keeping someone on the other end hanging on, signing in, and waiting for updates. I'm sure I might be considered a Facebook loser with my whole 11 friends and now being set to private in searches but I've never really cared about being different. You know that saying, " Curiosity killed the cat" is true if the research is really representing the facts. In the article that I read; a woman found out her marriage was over when her husband posted a Relationship Status change. Imagine finding out that your 10-20 year marriage has ended by a Facebook Status Alert. You're finding out just as the 453 other people on your spouses list are responding to whatever device has been set to alert. I can see why someone would feel that blaming a Social Networking Site is where the finger pointing should start but I know plenty of people who weed out those that have other intentions or are a distraction and deny the "Friend Request". I can totally see how there is some truth to this but I tend to believe there were problems in the first place with the relationship or with the person who is open to the relationship being tested. I also believe if someone is looking to create trouble in a marriage he/she will find it. Someone will be available to make it happen even if it is a stranger - have you ever been to a nightclub an hour before closing time?
What have your Online Social Network experiences been like? What if you're in a relationship - will you want to monitor the incoming and outgoing posts? Would you want control over who can be a "friend" and who can't?

©2010 Savannah Jones

Do our relationships match our emails?

2010-01-23T18:43:00.012-06:00

Are we our emails? Asked to write about emails really got me thinking about my friends, colleagues, bosses, connections to old romances, the ex boyfriends in my life and back and forth communication with all involved. So are we our emails and will it make or break the future of a relationship between friends wanting to be more or our current relationships? The question eluded to one man being boring in emails and one not while inferring that each represented the email personality and is it wrong in a sense to go with this to choose who should go forth as a partner? Oh how I poured over old emails...okay, old boyfriends don't worry you won't be held to any promises made in the past or have your words read back to you. But, there was definitely an equal balance of personalities that matched the emails and only a few had discrepancies between the two. My research is obviously limited in this area and hardly scientific but I'll go with it. I'm not a big texter or emailer. I prefer to not use this as my major form of communication so keeping this in mind...I noticed my female friends that I talk with more regularly send emails with invitations, some perk up your day inspirations, and notice of charity events. My never romantically linked male friends...well, now that's a different story. My male best friend sends me an email from time to time that might be from Jib Jab or Playboys finest. My most recent was about the big breasted secretary who couldn't type but was hired that day. I laugh and enjoy the playfulness or sickness depending on how you look at it but never offended; it's just how we are in emails and sometimes in person. My work emails are monitored therefore emails are inhibited and restrained and that pretty much speaks for itself. The connections to past relationships that wander into my email box every now and then...I respond vaguely to any personal life questions usually in a delayed manner and sometimes not at all - just how I am in person upon seeing them. Emails can be very powerful and often a tool to express yourself in a manner in which you wouldn't in person. There are insights into a person that get shared because the anonymity of it all can make one more comfortable and a starting point to conversations when together. There's also the emails that are a run down of a persons day, weekend, kids activities and inquire what your day or weekend is like. I don't respond to those too often either and wonder if that's all there is to this person or is this all we have to share? In digging through my electronic postal world; there was a glimpse into the past online dating emails where some of the men were more charismatic in the profile than in real life. But the part in question is do these emails represent the time spent with those same people and in most cases - yes. The conversations while spending time together do tend to mimic those in the emails. Not always a bad thing; one of the best emails and most unforgettable said it all in the subject header and was equivalent to saying goodbye to a great date and your hand being pulled so you turn around and find yourself in a passionate embrace kissing. The subject header alone renewed, reinvigorated, and resulted in a vacation within the next week with a person who also knew how to pull your hand just right to make you turn around. There are emails from a male friend where we share some of the same problematic issues. We check in and keep up with each other. Those emails are as kind as the person who sends them but careful and somewhat guarded. There's excitement that shines through in each word and that's how this person really is. Personally, I don't feel I do a great job of expressing myself through email. I don't like to leave something important up to individual interpretation...humor doesn't always make its way through and sometimes feelings are even harder to appropriately get across. However, what I will say this little exercise has done for me is open my eyes to the types of relationships in my life. Even though I believe in moving relationships forward in person I guess I'm not completely old fashioned. For those wishing to change their relationships...maybe email is the way to go about it. One caveat - Don't be that person who decides to step out of the box and suddenly surprise by pouring your heart out or vice versa. Remember, even though you have a veil of anonymity you are still making an impression.

Explore a relationship...

2010-01-16T15:10:00.007-06:00

"I continue to make sure I'm there when it all gets better because I want to know if exploring a relationship with you is a path I want to take." This sentence took me by surprise since it was being said directly to the back of my head by a man standing behind me in the coffee line. Not knowing anyone at this time who would be standing behind me uttering these words; I turned around and well...he was using his Bluetooth. Such relief came over me upon seeing the glowing blue light beaming from an ear. Bored as I was in the long line I was wishing I could hear her response. My own thoughts were thinking aren't they already exploring a relationship if he's making sure he's there? My thoughts were interrupted with the gentleman defending himself and then validating the woman by saying he's sorry he isn't as involved as he should be with what's going on and sorry he is so absorbed with his kids that he hasn't realized he needs to call each day randomly in the day. I so wanted to know what "randomly" meant - bedtime, on the way to work, lunchtime, on the way home from work, who knows? Got my coffee and took a seat with my electronics and the papers I needed to look over. If you've ever felt something for a friend then you must have looked at the pros and cons and mentally created a board which you would add check marks to on either side while spending time with this person. As a friend the cons may not be all intrusive and bothersome but as a partner...your expectations and needs may not be met. The if thoughts went through my mind as Mr. Bluetooth took a seat across from me and continued his call. Why doesn't he think he is in a relationship and acting as such? If he is wanting a relationship with this woman in his ear why isn't he acting like the partner he thinks he would be and maybe is? If he is, then he must be treading water with this woman judging from the responses. I have male friends and one of my best friend's is a man and as friends you forgive a whole lot but as partners it might be different. But, if you were wanting to date your friend would you go about it differently? Would you consider this portion of your friendship the exploration process TO a relationship or OF a relationship? The conversation had ended and he looked dumbfounded. The reason this interested me so much is because many want to show a potential partner their best but if the best is already showing signs of problems...what are they really hoping the outcome to be?

©2010 Savannah Jones

For Love or Money...

2010-01-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

Job stress at it's peak and a young in love pregnant mother ponders...the next time. Next time she exclaims, "I'll marry for money and love him for it." No, no, no was the resounding response from the women twice her age in the workplace. However, the women only about 5 years older were all in agreement. What did the older women know that the younger women hadn't learned yet? We all know many different people with a variety of situations in their life and some we see as mundane, a few are the ideal, others makes us wonder and more. I know this woman truly loves her husband and this was more of a comment about her current frustration with her job rather than her current husband. Nevertheless, I was leaving the building and saying to myself, "You can have just as many or more problems with a husband with money; money just won't be one of them." I happen to know men who feel being a provider is what makes them who they are and their responsibility but really enjoy it. I also know men who like a woman who has a career. Do men marry for money, love, companionship, status, etc? When life throws you a curve ball...does it change the type of person you want by your side? If the answer is yes, how many different people in a lifetime do you think you'll need?

So share a little...did you marry for love or money? Will you do it differently the next time? Does a little job stress make you wish you could go back in time and undo your choices (job choice not included)?

©2010 Savannah Jones

Are you willing to share - where you go?

2010-01-05T22:51:00.007-06:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "It's not the length in life, but depth of life." This is the quote that came to mind when thinking about the amount of miles on my car and there are a lot of miles in a short time. I told myself - "It's not the miles but where I went with those miles and what I did once I got there that matters." Life in a car in other words. The last car I traded in had 141,000 miles on it. It still looked pretty good on the outside but those miles had taken its' toll on the transmission. If only that car could talk about where it had been and of the conversations that took place in it. You wouldn't think to normally ask someone about their auto's mileage but years ago I had to get creative to get a guy to open up on a date. This man had his own plane and a beautiful high end luxury vehicle and had no children. He traveled and visited many exotic places but to get him to talk about everyday life to understand what his routine was and what he did in his down time was like pulling teeth. He asked me what kind of car I drove and the light bulb went on...At that time my car maybe had 40,000 miles on it and was only a couple of years old but it spoke volumes about my life and how it's lived. One might say it even could let you in on a person's philosophy about living life to it's fullest. Practical was the response to the make and model of my car along with an approving nod. So...I inquired about his car's mileage and asked how were the miles accumulated? After a couple of throat clearings, squirming, and then a blushing smile he began to fill me in on his daily routine and the little secret getaways he drives to in order to just enjoy the beauty and outdoors. He shared stories about unwinding on long quiet roads after one particular break up and how he took to that road two to three times a week until one day he didn't need to do it anymore. The list of detailing the miles went on and on and our lunch could have turned into dinner when prior to this question, I thought we might not have anything else to say by the time the meal arrived. This unveiling of himself allowed me to enter his world and show me sides of this man I might not have seen in years. We also talked about people who have accumulated many frequent flyer miles while building companies from the ground up and the stories of family vacations and such. Ahh, but life in a car...what would yours say? How much would it reveal about you? People have boasted about their low miles and I see it so differently. While many of my miles are accumulated by driving to children's doctor's appointments and necessary evils, I wouldn't boast about not venturing out of my surroundings and experiencing life in other parts of the city or more. Sure miles adding up quickly on a car means maintenance which equals money but I'm sure I've saved myself in one way or another by getting out and exploring trails, caverns, zoos, different environments, the traditional sledding down a local favorite hill, and feeding my brain with art and history, etc. I really hated giving up my last car - it was my first sedan after driving two vans. And when I went to pick up my new car, my old car was already being picked apart for the parts to be sold. I thought about all of the bikes we fit in the car, the rollerblading gear, the soccer equipment and bags, the luggage for trips and the many airport pickups of family and friends. There were the blankets we took on picnics waiting for me to clean out of the trunk; a first aid kit that was almost empty from all of the scrapes we'd get at the playground or park. A work badge from my return to my career was in the gear box along with my favorite book on CD and the road maps that I could never read to the places we visited. I was surprised the trunk lid was sold after all of the scratches from sitting on it eating ice cream while watching the stars. That car certainly could describe my life just as the new car has a whole new story to tell featuring my life as it is today. But I thought the car porter said it best when he met me..."Oh M'am, this is your car? Well, you're just like it. Pretty on the outside and loving life until you just can't love it anymore." I did think for a second...how many miles will it take before that happens?

Think it over - Would your car's mileage do a better job revealing who you are on a date then you would be willing to divulge on your own? Do you tell your potential partners how you really live and by what philosophy?

©2010 Savannah Jones

Send One Your Love...

2009-12-28T21:34:00.005-06:00

Gentle Relationship Reminders... I decided to clean out a few things; my New Year's rendition of in the drawers with the new and out with the trash for the old. If you're anything like me you have nightstand drawers with random pictures, books, magazines, and the all important pair of reading glasses which you will need when you come across old cards and letters that were tossed into the drawer for safekeeping. Trying to keep to my promise of staying focused and sticking to my time table for the weekend; the trash bag quickly filled up without me stopping to reminisce. But, the fifth drawer revealed the show stopper...a photo album and random pictures of days and years passed. My daughter was in disbelief and denial when I proved to her she really is my child by comparing photos of me at her age. However, amongst the clutter was an email or two printed out from the past that at some point held special meaning that had since waned. Sometimes when people take a trip down memory lane it evokes old feelings but really for the most part it just brings a smile. So, should you take the time to reach out and let someone know that today you thought about him/her? There are times and yes, it's usually the holidays that bring it on, but I will get an email or two from someone in my past just wishing me happy holidays and to say I was being thought about. I've never assumed that these people were trying to reconnect for a relationship review as some people do. Why not? I guess I understand taking that one moment to remember, smile, and take stock but leave it at that. I also understand wanting to bring a smile to someone by saying, "Hey, wanted to let you know I thought of you today and it brought a smile to my face.” I'm not Little Mary Sunshine but I do believe in sharing those thoughts that are positive and what harm is there in spreading a little good? Apparently, there can be a downside to this...You see, your email could be completely misconstrued and the receiver is under the impression that this reach out and touch someone means more than just the friendly gesture of saying hey. Have you ever had that friend who is full of hope because all of a sudden there's an email from a love gone by saying he/she ran across something that reminded him/her of your friend? It's like the email has legs and just keeps going when all it was meant to be was a nice small way of saying exactly and only what it said; for the short time someone stopped and thought of you kindly. Maybe it's because I believe in Karma or due to my holiday overload of Stevie Wonder's song Send One Your Love that I don't see a problem with this but sometimes it needs to be prefaced with a reminder that it's not meant to intrude or start anything. What I do see as a potential issue is the person who does send this under the guise of being nice, random, and thoughtful but really is hoping for this email to be the stepping stone to something more and hopes you'll take the bait. It's like sending out feelers or a pulse patrol and going from there. I feel like some people overuse this as a fishing expedition to see if you'll take the bait. Maybe loneliness, desperateness, rebounding emotions have set in and validation is required by the opposite sex to move on. This might very well be a time to honestly let someone know you want to try again and that's okay too. Whatever the case may be go ahead and send your well wishes but either way - make your intentions clear.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Are You A Tag Team?

2009-12-18T14:26:00.008-06:00

Tag Team...What a great term to use to describe a couple. Tag Team is often used as a metaphor to describe being as one. Some use it to mean as a couple - the two are a powerful productive pair acting as one. Well, this term was used in a comment on the previous post and a lot of questions in addition about the tag team gone astray were included. It reminded me of that same page then not in the same book feeling that I wrote about. I thought about what the tag team man said and didn't so much wonder what happened, but rather what happens when two can't be a tag team? Did the two see it all along and not care while dating or did one see it and the other focused on something else being workable? Was it all about love and not workability? Does one member of the pair feel something is missing? Problem solving reveals levels of patience, stamina, fairness, and a thought process. It can end with a greater respect or become breaking news telling you to run for the hills. Being able to work together to solve real life issues such as job dissatisfaction, insurance problems, medical concerns, kid issues and more, is very important. Trust me, you've heard it when giving advice or having a discussion with someone and with their response you're blocked, you hit a wall, or you just plain see that you and this person aren't going to resolve issues in the same manner. Maybe you didn’t hear it at all because it wasn’t said. You know it's missing - It's that part that holds the human factor. For example, it’s okay to admit you didn’t think of something. A person can’t possibly know everything so throwing it out all on your own that you’re human is so appealing. Some of the brightest men I know warm my heart when I throw something out there and you hear…”You know I never thought of it that way and I think you’re onto something.” This shows your partner values you, your thoughts and in some cases your expertise. When you don’t hear anything or you’re given a closed negative response…tag teaming is most definitely not happening. Being able to handle the process of politely bouncing ideas off one another is a great thing but being able to recognize each other strengths and show respect for it is heaven to many. I was asked how I could be on the same page in a relationship and then not. Easy…we made a great tag team but sometimes life throws a person for a loop and you find the dividing line. Sometimes the best tag team is project, goal, and put out fires oriented but if emotions get involved such as the jealousy as the person who made the comment on the previous post said; relationships may struggle. It’s hard to tag team with a person who is turning against you and the relationship for possible irrational or fear based reasons. Tag teaming is a great way to parent, handle situations that arise as a couple, travel, be productive, etc. But, just like all things…it’s not the only component to a relationship. However, it is an outstanding element for a couple to possess and experience.

©2009 Savannah Jones

The True Love Issue...

2009-12-10T18:06:00.012-06:00

True love...you've got to be kidding me that this is the question bringing about debate? So someone from the past still has your heart does it mean it was true love? Love is many things even a splendid thing as the lyric goes but, do we really know what makes one love more true than another? Would this be considered comparing or stating the facts? Many years ago I knew a couple who dated for ten years. The couple really did seem like marriage was around the corner and it was...just not with each other. When the news of their break up spread, the man was already off on a vacation to get away from it all. On his way he met someone in the airport and three months later - married. One month before his wedding; his old girlfriend married a man she knew all along. Just like Brenda and Eddie from Billy Joel's song, no one thought this break up could happen so imagine the shock that not only did life go on but maybe you can move on even after true love. Maybe just maybe, you can find true love again? I'm just throwing that one example out there but I'm sure there's more. I agree that different stages of our lives brings about needs that differ from the stage before - so are we supposed to trash our partners every decade or so to fit each stage? True love to some is exactly that - someone who fits in at those times to meet those requirements. For me...I'd like to think that one person could make it through all of it with me and that to me speaks more about a love that's true. Obviously there would be other factors that keep us glued but I'm considering those are a given. Yes, it is true that I don't answer a lot about true love because to some there is one person that will be the one that got away equally considered the one true love and who am I to say that's not right for them? That's nice...however, not my belief. I refuse to believe that at my age I need to consider it a lost cause because somewhere in my past I either was or had a one true love and that's it. There are so many chapters left unwritten with blank pages waiting to be filled. And, I know this much...Whether at some point along this journey I was on the same page through every turn with someone or not...my book is yet to be finished.

©2009 Savannah Jones

What about the other woman?

2009-12-02T21:01:00.015-06:00

The talk amongst those inquiring minds- Tiger Woods and the possibility of an affair or two. There's so much curiosity about the alleged other women and of course Tiger's silence in the beginning only led to more speculation and time for the press to go on their search for more ladies in waiting. Sure, I stayed tuned in waiting to hear some reply, explanation, apology, just to ironically keep my faith in the human way. What I find interesting about affairs of married men and especially those of fame status is the public response and critique of the other women. Who are they? What do they do? Where did they meet? How long were they involved? This seems to be the information the public wants. My observation is that there rarely is a comment about the choices of the women to get involved with a married man. And don't forget the ratting out of the men for their own fifteen minutes of fame and fortune. Don't get me wrong, I do think it's wrong for someone to elicit an affair if it's not within the boundaries the committed couple have agreed to and I don't particularly blame the other party since he/she didn't take the vows with the spouse but what about sending the man home to his wife and having some moral code? While we all seem very interested in the sordid details, I don't believe any one of us can say what is right for the Woods family and everyone has their own idea of what they can handle. It isn't up to us to pass judgement yet we do project our own opinions. There are many women whose names have become part of household conversation due to their liaisons with famous men. There are many names added to plain folks lives as well by the same means who also can join the ranks of kiss and tell. Guess what? The act of revealing texts, emails, voicemails isn't only a game the rich and famous play; ordinary people seem to do this too. I do wonder what these men think when the women have betrayed the privacy and trust of the situation by selling their stories. This certainly could not have been about love and respect if you're spilling all of the intimate details. I can't imagine any man feels the affair was worth it when he realizes the collateral damage it has caused. Maybe you've witnessed this first hand in your own life when you've unmasked the great pretender and uncovered the lies and affair. Suddenly those sensational feelings of a new affair don't seem so exhilarating and the man begins to look too pale and weak to even look capable of having the energy to maintain an affair. Talking with my own kids, I did say that I don't understand why a public figure believes these indiscretions will go unnoticed; afterall these men are under the eye of the camera at all times. The intentions of the women when getting involved probably don't center around bringing down the public figure but what did the men think when this started? Did they really believe nothing in their life would change and these women having affairs with married men have moral compasses pointing in the right direction so mums the word?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Are you buying into it...(New Moon Spoiler Alert)

2009-11-23T22:00:00.000-06:00

My daughter and I heard on the radio a review of "New Moon" by a DJ who is the mother of a teenage daughter. Not having seen the movie yet and haven't gotten into the book series either, I asked my daughter if this critique was accurate. My teenage girl explained that I don't understand, Bella has to put herself in danger in order to see Edward. I told my daughter that's not healthy and asked why she was explaining it like it would be the right thing to do? I got the old..."Mom, it's a book series and you're not understanding." Correction - I explained to my daughter I completely get it because it's all about being rescued and feeling loved by feeling protected but it's not the best way to be and feel loved. Without giving much away...the DJ mentioned that she had a fear of the message this was sending to young women about desperateness and what type of theatrics does a woman need to create to get a man to come back and be with her. Well, I saw the movie and besides validating my own personal belief that I'm hard as nails when it comes to sappy scripted words; I have to say the women were eating up the love lines. I did like the movie and could see where the DJ had her concerns. Having quite a role in shaping young teens like I do; I too have a concern that our young teens are craving this kind of drama in their own lives and hope it's taken with a grain of salt because it's just a book/movie. There was a moment in the movie when Bella's Dad tells her that she might need to learn to like a love that's good for her and I thought about all of the women who struggle with this and all of the "nice guy" men who too struggle in this area. So, all of the talk and mushy dialogue didn't have me wishing for those words to be said to me; knowing the feeling of wanting and longing for someone who is perfect for you in every way but one...all too familiar to me. The words couldn't break me because to me these are words used too often for me. However, the final scene managed to make me sit up, take notice, gasp for breath with all of the other women who did, and download the next book when I got home. You see, all of those romantic longing moments and nights that Bella spent crying all led to a proposal. It seems Edward doesn't want to live without Bella but the only way he wants her is if it's forever. Wow! got my attention and no surprise to me that it did. I thought - Now we're talking some real action with conviction and commitment behind it. Isn't that the story everyone is wanting anyway? I could go on about this movie, the different themes it represents and the impact on some that may send a message that the bar is raised by what we see in the movies.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Coachable, Trainable, Teachable?

2009-11-17T22:05:00.007-06:00

Relaying a story about a man to a man a comment was made that at least the man in the story was teachable. When the story was first repeated to me; I thought, "Wow, this is going to be interesting. The man is in his late forties and needs to be told how to treat a woman and needs coaching." When the woman tried this story out on one more woman who was younger she brought up the idea that the good news in this is the man is trainable. A woman more experienced in the matter due to age was eavesdropping. She brought up the fact that you can't teach an old dog new tricks and in ten years the young girl will have a better understanding of what trainable means. The thought that crossed my mind was the only one that's going to get trained will be the young woman. The story is simple...a couple working out how to be there for one another during stressful times regarding responsibilities and getting routine items accomplished turns into an argument about love and understanding. Go figure - the argument between a man and a woman got ugly about love and commitment when someone in the relationship isn't falling into place. So the story goes...the woman explains the reasons why she was counting on her partner and couldn't he see what is important to her and how he could have helped. The next week everything she needed was completed without prodding. She was so impressed she bragged to all that he learned how to please. I started to question if we were talking about a pet or a man. I also wondered will this be something he'll continue to do or was it a one time moment when all was fresh in his head and he wanted some resolve to the hard feelings. In the weeks that followed, another conversation came up about how educators can get exhausted training and teaching children how to behave, respond, and even defer an argument. To me the difference when comparing a child to an adult in this situation is the genuineness. We teach children because they don't know better and we hope that over time it becomes part of who they are and realize the rewards to the point where it becomes a genuine gesture. With adults; will there be resentment that a man isn't appreciated for who he is unless he takes on and becomes a believer in the training? Is it something that can be carried out over the life of the relationship or is it something that within months you'll be reviewing again and discussing and maybe that's okay too? But in some cases; the review and discussions are cyclical with no permanent resolution. As some couples are on the fence about separating, many lay out a turnaround timeline and even more keep that timeline to themselves. A wise man once asked me why I thought women ignore their own personal disappointment and show up in a relationship with a chisel and hammer in hand? I said that's like asking a man why he continues to date a woman that can't meet his expectations but still figures that the woman will become a psychic and anticipate his every mood and need. I thought about a couple of relationships where the women ended up trained and worked around the man. Were they happy...the relationships ended and the angry tone came out when reliving the memories of adjusting their life and personality to please the men. The debate for the day became the discussion about should you or should you not get in a relationship with someone who you think needs training and coaching? Is it better to go it alone until the right one comes around or spend endless months and possibly years trying to make a cat a dog? You know the saying... if you want a cat get a cat and if you want a dog get a dog but don't expect a cat to be a dog and vice versa.

Share your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

A bear with the right words...my favorite bear :)

2009-11-04T19:18:00.007-06:00

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." By Winnie The Pooh

Many come to this site looking for hope, answers and to not feel alone. Often we turn to our friends to tell us what we really already know but need validation. Sometimes we need to talk things through or vent just to see clearly. When it comes to relationships; there are so many who aren't sure where they stand with the one they love. There are many who are breaking up, getting divorced, needing to decide if staying or leaving is the answer. Others are looking for reassurance that the one chosen person is really the one that should be chosen. Do you doubt yourself or are you afraid that others look at your choices and doubt your ability to choose? The stress at work had been mounting and we have been bonding together to remind a newlywed to get home to her husband, the new mom to get home to her baby, and the single mom to move onto her kids and life that she's rebuilding as soon as work time is over. Sometimes these are the ones that tell me that going home can be worse than being at work or no need to rush home - there's no one worth seeing at home. This isn't to say that no one is home; just in their own mind no one worthy of seeing. Sometimes we forget how strong we are and most know when the smarts have kicked in but often feel others haven't quite gotten the message. As far as bravery goes...let's just say there are many who are brave in the face of adversity and I've seen even the weakest come through strong and full of courage. For some people getting up in the morning to face the day is a sign of bravery. Relationships are a daily job and a job that not everyone is up to. I was asked the following: What happens when you don't want to go it alone by way of giving up the past to be with someone who doesn't fit the same bill of the one prior? How to deal with the possibility of choosing kindness and security over love and connection but not letting on that it's why you chose the person? What is someone supposed to do when life has thrown him experiences not shared by many but are life changing experiences - where will connection fit in?

The last couple of posts created more questions/emails than answers and all I could think of is the great words of Winnie The Pooh. It also came to mind that many are not alone in their feelings and thoughts and for some that knowledge seems to comfort. When times are tough...remember the sweet bear reminding you that you can get through it and sometimes even wiser.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Connecting...

2009-11-01T23:25:00.003-06:00

How do you connect with the one you love...do you connect with the one you love? Do you put yourself out there but get left hanging wondering what is it going to take? Since Lets Talk Over Latte got started, I've had many ask me why I think they can't connect to someone and keep it that way, why they feel connected but it doesn't last, and how to break through a past that's still connected while wanting a future with someone else? So, this one is for you to answer...lend your insight.

Let's Talk Over Latte...Literally

2009-10-27T14:48:00.009-05:00

Like many others - I stop at the Starbucks close to my work and make my way in drive thru. The voice comes through the box asking me how my morning is going and when I ask in return, the voice in the box remembers my usual drink and doesn't try to tempt me with anything extra. Our daily five minute relationship started about two years ago when I received my first big gift card. I have seen some employees come and go but many are steadfast and true. This one gentleman in particular, who is a barista, greets me with a smile and this year has added a tag check to the transaction. You see, for those of you who don't know me, I have this terrible habit of having my clothing tag stick out of my shirt by my neck. I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. Each morning if it should be there, this sweet barista reminds me to tuck it in. However, last week there was a delay in processing my order which led to "connecting time". Yes, we did the tag check and then the questions flowed: Do I have kids, do I like my car, where do I work, do I like my job, who is the second drink order for, and what happened to the original tag check guy because last year my tag didn't stick up so much? I was stunned because it was true...the tag guy was no longer around to check my tag and I hadn't even thought about how this Starbucks guy picked up the job since then. The next day I had to go in because the line was too long; my drinks were started right as I was spotted and finished exactly when I reached the cashier. I was asked if I wanted to live on the wild side and try the new Via coffee but my favorite barista negatively shook his head, smiled and said, she likes to have the coffee made just the way she likes it and it would be too much to do with Via...right? This was getting a little creepy to me when he started to rattle off that I like electronics but not the feminine accessories that go with it. I like hot pink but only on certain items, he also noticed that I wear a lot of black and don't like to talk on the cell phone when in the car, used to have a boyfriend who was attentive to my tags, and color my hair about every four weeks. WOW! I've always been surprised by the details people will share with complete strangers and lack the openness in a real ongoing relationship but this was all done by observation. I was asked for confirmation and approvingly gave it. I added that I know he's kind, observant, likes to get to know others, and knows better than to hit on a woman more than 15 years older than him which actually makes him sweet. There are couples who've dated for years who still don't pick up on each other’s nuances and idiosyncrasies. Entering work just a few minutes behind my normal schedule; I was greeted at my door with a concerned co-worker. He was worried something happened since I’m like clockwork and was a little late. I shared this experience with my co-worker who informed me that in the first week of meeting him I knew more about him than his ex wife ever cared to learn in all of the years they'd been married. We all hope to find someone who just gets us and I'm not looking to the much younger barista for this but it was a good reminder that going it alone isn't always the best idea...some days you need a tag checker and someone who just gets you.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Does it make a difference?

2009-10-22T12:53:00.006-05:00

So you're out of high school and thinking it won't matter what circle you were in because it's all an open world now; you can mix with whomever you like and "those people" will mix with you. The dating world is out there for you to choose beyond your standard circles and no matter which side of the track you grew up on; you've created your own world and one in which you hope to find someone that meshes with it. In education the teachers are told to develop common knowledge and background between the students prior to teaching the actual lesson. I've found that the real lesson is often in the process of developing a common thread between these students and their experiences. All go to the same school, but come from different sides of the track sort of speak. Like these kids; many adults speak of cultural differences, socio - economic differences, value differences and spiritual differences when talking about disconnects in their life as well as in their dating experiences. There's a want and a will to bridge these gaps but some find it difficult to do so. Others often spend many years in love with someone; all for it to come down to differences that can't be bridged due to upbringing, value systems, and a gap in philosophy in general. At this point communication might be quite difficult since there isn't this common ground of understanding. Where do you go with this? While watching Tuesdays With Morrie with a group of young teens; Morrie's aphorism of "love always wins" comes up in the movie and these teens laughed. I stopped the movie and said," what, no believers...why?" The differences that exist began flowing from their mouths as the pure reason why love doesn't always win. One teen told of a story of how a person can be so in love with someone for whom they are and what they stand for but not who they are while with them. So what do you do when you're from one side of the track and the person who makes your heart beat a little faster is from the other but as adults you're both on the same track? Does it matter, make a difference, or does it just all work out?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The Referral Date

2009-10-19T23:24:00.002-05:00

You've either been fixed up on a blind date, met by a service of some kind, or you really thought in some way going on a date with a co-worker or friend was a good idea for your future. Any which way you slice it- not connecting. There's something missing from this date; maybe a spark or two, a disconnect on interests, one of you is right/left wing or no wing but the wrong wing, and you want to leave but should you? Do you find yourself texting under the table or excusing yourself to go to the restroom to send an SOS that your friend needs to save you from this date and call soon? I know I've left a date or two quite early in the evening and should have probably left a couple more of them than I did. However, while being wined and dined does it dawn on you that while this date isn't a match made in heaven for you; your date would really be a match for your single friend? Do you offer it up or go along with the date? Letting someone down is hard to do but what if you could lessen the blow by letting the person know you think he/she has some great qualities inside but your friend might be better suited for him/her? That my friend; is the referral date. A date you go on but then refer a friend. I don't know if there's a refer a friend bonus program or a trial period where you try out the basic model and if you like it you can upgrade to the friend, but why miss out on an opportunity if you aren't attached or motivated to be? Out at a gathering of friends; someone brought along a few newbies to the group. It turned out the women were all single and looking. Where the looking took place seemed to be the most important factor since the pickings were slim to none at least when looking for a real future and not one that lasts less than 24hours. I began searching the Rolodex in my head of possible people that would be a match for these women when one of the girls said she didn't want anyone I had a relationship with. I assured her that I was thinking of the men that I met but weren't for me but somehow we stayed in touch. How great it would be to make two people happy by introducing them? One woman's reaction was less than enthused and another was open. By now we all know not everyone is going to hit it off or even have lasting common ground so if you can in good faith refer a friend for all of the right reasons wouldn't that be better than knowing it but leaving it a secret? I know it sounds like someone is passing around the Thanksgiving turkey and the good pieces seem to be gone by the time it gets to you. So, what if the plate could cross the table instead of going round and round; your chances of finding the right one just opened up sooner than waiting for the plate to come to you...right?

What’s your view of referral dates if in the position to recommend?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay people get it out in the open...

2009-10-14T19:17:00.003-05:00

So there you are typing away on your laptop trying to find the words to say you're not happy but is it you or is it the other person? You type and type and think about your life...is this a priority right now to deal with or is there something greater in your life that makes this issue less of an issue to you? Maybe you're typing away trying to find the right words to say I miss you and I want you back. How many times do you repeat yourself and realize this is getting boring and not expressing what you are trying to really convey? You read it again and ask yourself if you'd take you back if you received this. What about that time you wanted to email all of your good and bad thoughts but when you reread what you typed and thought of the audience you saw that it was a moot point, so you saved it in draft for another day only to hit delete? Let's not talk about the accidental send button problem...that's been universal and not essential to the meaning of this.

We all do it; sit down to type out what we want to say and then hopefully save it first and come back to it at a calmer time. What if that time isn't coming anytime soon what should you do? I've always suggested sending a memo like email saying that you have something you want to talk about and you will within a certain (give the amount) of days. Silence is golden to those who haven't figured out how to use their words and to those who have heard it all already but not always golden to the person who doesn't know why he/she hasn't heard from you. However, we still type away, delete, cut, copy and paste to make it all sound right. I teach that if you give someone a pen and a thesaurus you've given them a mighty weapon when used together. Of course the kids I teach this to believe me when I start talking with the "big" words and they have no idea what I said but know it was important and then take notice. So what's the big deal; why so hard to just put it out there and say what you're thinking? I have such a respect for a person who let's you know what he/she is thinking and doesn't bottle it up. It says I care about you and want to share this with you even if it isn't the most perfect presentation. I also admire those who know that you need to really know and understand who is speaking to really know what is being said. Interpretation can be a key component in acceptance or detachment.

I haven't sent off any emails of great importance lately and don't plan to but I observe so many twist meanings of other peoples words in order to validate a feeling about a person or a hunch. It's hard to convey the right feelings in emails and letters sometimes but so easy for some to hide behind.

Feel free to share your doosies...

©2009 Savannah Jones

What to do about the past...

2009-10-09T13:26:00.012-05:00

You know the kind - many have them or are them...the old boyfriends and girlfriends that find their way onto our current love's Facebook account, is stalking your love by way of Twitter, communicating through every portal available with the one you currently love and sometimes preoccupying their minds and possibly pulling at old heart strings - What are you going to do? Do you really need to do anything at all? Remember, your partner has allowed such voyeurism and has participated in it; so is there a problem or is this just life? The magazine articles tell us beware of the ex that doesn't seem like an ex but is communicating and touching base in person every now and then a relationship crime? How would you feel if you were in love with someone who could cut it off with someone and not look back?

Weigh in on the subject and share your views...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Love the package not fond of the inside...food/men

2009-10-06T21:28:00.007-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it...I like a nice, simple, clean look. It says fresh and appeals to my need for simplicity. I also don't like a lot of unnecessary add ons or long waiting periods. Certainly, I like a bargain but don't wish to jeopardize quality for it. I'm talking about what I learned about dating while taste testing cookies. Ready to bake chocolate chip cookies are a staple in my home just as equal to bread, milk and eggs. My recent visit to the grocery store was to be short and swift until I stopped to pick up the cookies. I came across Pillsbury's Simply cookie. The package was the most appealing one I've seen in a long time. Clean, simple, and fresh looking. I read that it was supposedly more healthy than the regular cookie which I realize is an oxymoron as if a cookie can be healthy. Couldn't wait to open it and try it out however, it isn't part of my diet so I left it up to the taste expert- my daughter. Some people like a more sweet cookie but we aren't that family. I was so excited about this package that I didn't even notice that I paid more for it in comparison to the others. It had to be good...right? It was in a great enticing wrapper. I did try a little morsel and agreed it was too sweet for my taste and that's when I started thinking about dating. Too sweet...a problem huh? Is this how it goes- you like the whole look, you open it up and it's sweet but that's it. It offers nothing else? There's no intense flavor or variety? I can't taste any spice or kick to it just plain old sweet. I passed by the cookies before going to bed and thought it just had to have some kind of edge to it but I tried the crunchier part and still too sweet for my taste. On the way to work the next day, I began laughing at the metaphor and relationship aspect of "nice guys". I know there's not a nice guy out there whose going to think this is funny but to me, I found it enlightening that even when it comes to the packaging of a cookie, I can be drawn in but if it's very sweet...in some ways I can be turned off. Can someone be like a cookie and be too sweet that you have to pass on it? I'm sure I've had my bad boy days and it's probably the reason I like simple, clean and fresh looking not only in cookie packaging but pertaining to men. Before you go ripping this up and getting upset if you're a nice guy...ask yourself this: Can a woman be too sweet that she's a turn off; her kindness can become a problem or overbearing to you and in some cases you have to pass just because there isn't any spice or variety?

I'm just thinking...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Open...

2009-09-30T13:09:00.003-05:00

Your forum to ask and be answered by me and other readers. So many of you have questions that don't necessarily fit the topic at hand. Your comment/question gets posted on whichever page the search sent you. Sometimes you're wanting varied opinions but many who visit regularly only keep up with the most current post. Knock yourself out and ask away...It's open for a few days.

*This site is also available with RSS feed.

Savannah Jones

I will follow you...

2009-09-19T22:57:00.006-05:00

Are you in a relationship where your partner has repeatedly said, " Whatever you want, I'm just along for the ride"? Some people are passive aggressive but others really do mean that they just will follow you and tag along while you do the decision making, planning, and see whatever it is you want to see. I know a lack of mind reading capabilities is a big complaint in relationships...many wish that they didn't have to communicate their needs but have their needs met by some form of ESP. We accept when it doesn't happen but what if it isn't happening because the man/woman is really just in it so you can give them something to do, some form of existence, some way of having a life without taking charge and responsibility of where it's going? The question, "What is a take charge person" came up in previous comments. I used to think that most people are take charge people. The workplace is a perfect atmosphere to find out that isn't so. In personal relationships there are those who want someone who is just along for the ride because they want their life to be the one that doesn't change and is and will remain in the forefront. However, these people may appear to be passive and accommodating by saying, "Whatever you want, I'll do" and possibly mean it. Or, they might be passive aggressive and upset that you know them so well, but didn't choose something that represents their internal wishes. This person might even go so far as to make it a miserable moment to punish you for not quite getting it. So what is it then about a "Take Charge" person that women were looking for, did these women want to be along for the ride or did they want a man who helped make decisions and share the load? While I can't answer for those who want a take charge guy without explanation, I will say that I think sharing the load in decision making, vacation planning, entertainment activities, and everyday life events and problems is important. I was asked to evaluate why I thought a woman didn't want a man who was so accommodating that it drove her crazy. I know you're thinking this has nice guy syndrome written all over it, and maybe it is a fraction of that problem; although from my vantage point what I saw was someone who never shared control of the reigns so the relationship was beginning to feel like a chore for one. A woman asked me, "Can you make someone be a take charge person?" I don't have all of the answers and I know this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that by communicating your needs and wants you give a person the chance to change or improve. There's also a part of me that as much as I know that's a start, there's women who need the take charge personality to be a part of who the man is because having to communicate all of this still ultimately keeps the woman in charge and initiator of discussions and more.

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the devil you know really better than the devil you don't know?

2009-09-16T18:21:00.008-05:00

Does there even need to be a "devil" in this equation at all? Lunching with friends, we were given a test of sorts. We were told to look at some pictures of our friend with two different men and our objective was to decide from these pictures the one that would love her the most. Both men had offered her a marriage proposal and she couldn't decide. It sounded like a deal was being made but she cared for both men and didn't know what to do. She also knew that once she made a decision, one of the men could no longer be in her life. I did what I do best...I made a list. Obviously there were the pros and cons but also what would be the best fit for her. Judging from the pictures and the list of compatibility, we made a decision. From the beginning of this process which I had realized I needed to take more seriously, I had tried to look into the eyes of the man that was in the discard column. I couldn't get a great view of him because his eyes were focused on some woman off to the side. It bothered me that he was with my friend but the eyes were somewhere else. I kept in mind that this literally is just a snapshot in time and not the rest of her life. I wasn't thrilled with the options presented and excitedly asked if there were any other pictures of any men asking her to marry in that big purse of hers. You could tell it seemed like a preposterous idea that one would be given two choices and think outside of the box for other options or suitors. My point was why did it have to be either one of these men just because they were asking? If she was madly in love or felt there was a true long future with either, we wouldn't be choosing this, we'd be congratulating her and only knowing of one of the men. Finally, in some quiet moment that idea was brought up and discussed. She didn't marry either man and life went on. The question of what else is out there kept coming up and seemed to be the catalyst for this picture matching game. I felt like it was the Richard Simmons "Deal A Meal" program where we ran out of cards and therefore were done choosing for the day. Many times I'm asked if I look at my life now and see why some people who were in my life would not have been a good idea for the future...certainly I do. Even though others will remind me that there are those in my life still available, I often remind them that I might not have met the love of my life yet and the best is yet to come - why does it have to be that people fish in the so called "devils" they know pond and what makes them better than the "devils" they don't know? (just playing devils advocate)

Debate away...

Deals/Ultimatums

2009-09-09T16:57:00.008-05:00

Do you want to make a deal? Not every ultimatum in relationships has to do with marriage proposals and often some don't even have to do with the relationship at all. It's often a control issue and sometimes a self fulfilling prophecy or just a need for movement. By the time someone gets so emotional or fed up that they no longer feel in control the ultimatum becomes part of the process. I often wonder if the saying," be careful what you wish for" ever enters the mind during this time or is it all about getting what you think you really want? In a work environment that's difficult and people are no longer thriving at their job, I've watched ultimatum's come into play. I've listened to people not only willing to jeopardize their jobs but often consider making deals with people who are in positions to offer a hand but not necessarily the kind of hand you'd want to hold onto. In stressful times, one might even walk away from the very hand that feeds them while requesting very little and sell their soul to someone whose a wolf in sheep's clothing. So why when the path becomes unclear, uncertain and the future is cloudy, do we make deals and accept the ultimatum with those who we know in better days, we would have walked away from long ago? To some it's a sense of survival and a feeling that by actively choosing this, they have some control over it's outcome or will in time but in the current situation have none. In a marriage type ultimatum or business/relationship ultimatum the person dangling the line might be doing so just to see if the bait will be taken and then walk away anyway. It's not always to prove a point but often it's to validate what might have already been known and understood. When there's movement, options open and possibilities emerge. In some way this ultimatum and it's answer is a gift. Maybe you've heard the story before...someone wants something so bad but was told not now and then continues to push...when he/she finally gets their way, it becomes clear that this wasn't how it was supposed to go and possibly isn't right in the first place. You may look back and wonder if you should've, could've, would've...but you didn't, won't, and can't now. I have often thought about those that lost but truly won and those that thought they won in the ultimatum but truly lost.
This is for those struggling to make choices, thinking the grass would be greener, and wanting to stop working for the devil only to possibly trade him in for a different kind of evil. Ultimatums aren't usually my way of doing things but I understand why many use them. Sometimes I just express the options in a discussion and let the other person know that I'm thinking things over and assessing the situation. Discussions usually open up from there whether it be in business or in relationships.

Share your stories and ask away...

©2009 Savannah Jones

A couple of email questions and I'll let others try their hand...

2009-09-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

Question One:
When do I tell my boyfriend it's me or the ex girlfriend? No one has ever won at this with him except the ex girlfriend when she told him to stay away from some woman. Any woman who has told him to stop being friends with her has lost him.

Question Two:
I lose respect for my boyfriend when he doesn't take charge of situations. He doesn't take charge of problems or concerns with his ex. He doesn't take charge of our relationship. He also doesn't take charge with much. What can I do about this? I'm used to men taking charge and I like it.

Question Three:
I ultimatum my boyfriend and lost but won. He decided he'd marry me but wasn't happy about it. I am hoping you'll post this and some guy can tell me why he didn't break up with me all along if he knew I wanted to marry him but he didn't want to marry me?

Question Four:
My boyfriend and I broke up some time ago and I haven't found anyone that I love or even really could like like I did him. He's been dating and wanting to marry but he hasn't found anyone he said. Is it weird that I want to get back with him but I never slept with any of my dates since him and I'm sure he probably slept with a couple of the women he dated. I think women don't break that up easily and then I'll deal with the hidden "friends" that used to be dates. He won't have anyone to worry about because there wasn't anyone that got that close. Has anyone done this and what do you do to get through it and why do these other women stick around anyway? A man's point of view of this situation would be helpful.

2009-09-02T17:37:00.000-05:00

So the question of marriage came up...no not a proposal but just the question of marriage. Actually, it was a whole lot of questions about the institution, do I believe I'll marry again, the age gap, what I'd be willing to settle for, how to talk things out in a heated moment of stress, and what are my expectations? I looked at the seeker of truth and replied, "Have you ever felt that one day it's just going to happen when you least expect it and somehow the timing will be right and it will work because we'll make it work?" The inquisitive person looked stunned and asked me if I really believe this and well...there are those times when I just do. The more I read the comments on my site; especially the ones about understanding each other, respecting each other and being there for one another regardless of differences, I have hope. But really I also have this sense that the time will come and when it's right it will be right. I've looked for love online, through fix ups, and an occasional run in that turned into more than a date. I have been in love, lost at love, and had to let love go at what has so far been the hardest time in my life. If there's two things I've learned; there's more to this than making yourself available and more to it than love. But, it's that love that makes you want to work at it. The age gap - which we've covered on here before was asked a bit differently...It was more about having a lifetime of things in common with someone older but knowing that statistically you possibly will have only 20 good years at the most together and be alone again. Twenty to me is a long time...hell, I'd be happy for ten real good years if it's going to be the love of a lifetime. The wisdom hunter had another question for me regarding stress and what's the best time to talk with me about relationship issues? The curious one found that rollerblading made it easy to talk out the issues. I find that a nice brisk walk is always good for relieving the stress and talking about the issues at hand even if it's freezing cold, the conversation can warm things up a bit. Looking back at the conversation, I always smile because it was refreshing to talk with someone who could be so openly honest about their worries for the future, thoughts about life, thoughts on who they are, cared to hear the real thoughts I have, and could talk without walls. All in good time I thought :)

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do you want to be the one still standing?

2009-08-27T21:02:00.008-05:00

Should you be proud you can outlast the rest? People in relationships often have to learn the boat will rock and knowing how to weather the storms is a survival skill. But what does this really mean? So you have the ability to stick it out with a man or woman who says that being exclusive right now isn't on the menu and even though you would like a monogamous relationship; the one you love would like to explore options. Therefore, you sit by and hope that by showing your strength and belief in the relationship - you'll come out the winner. He'll choose you and life will be grand...right? When I hear a woman shouting from the roof top that the guy she's been wanting a commitment from finally commits after saying he needed space and used it to date others, I think to myself, " Woo hoo, you won the guy who couldn't commit, didn't think you were worth the time, and after no one was left standing you looked the best. Hope that works out for you." I'm not saying it's all supposed to go so smoothly and seamlessly but there's ups and downs and then there's being taken for granted for a long long time. I've watched some people feel guilty when the relationship ends. They feel guilty that the communication wasn't clear even though it really was, there's guilt for not having the energy to wait out the problems, and guilt for leaving and putting their own needs first, then feel even worse that they chose to leave someone they really deeply love to do this. But who is the winner here? Is it the person who stays or the person who goes? Are you a better person for sticking this out or a better person for knowing when to leave? Sometimes people get so focused on the goal that they can't see the problems that lie within. Some spend so much time with the wrong person hoping to win but win what? Does it really mean more when you've whined, complained, nagged and eventually ultimatum to get what you want? If you have to do all of that is this really the person you want? The fixation on the wrong person impedes the effort of ever finding the right person. In fact, when having tunnel vision, one often can't see when the right person walks by.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the answer all wrapped up in the check?

2009-08-21T18:07:00.006-05:00

The meet and greet...so you're on your first date or your first meeting and it's taking place over a meal out or drinks. The bill comes and for some the answer to their future with this person all comes down to the check. A long time ago who pays was discussed but the replies became about taking advantage of someone with money and being treated to a night out rather than really stating how some people have a way of using this moment as a defining one with regards to future dates. Are men looking for some sign that they have some room to ask a woman out again or not? Are women careful to offer or not offer to pay to make sure the man catches on quickly to the message? Dating isn't new to me but this concept has baffled me that there's this much of a guessing game all at the end of the meeting regardless of what led up to it and all of the nuances during it. I know I'm going to get a lot of grief for making this statement but in my early dating years it was proper for the man to take out the woman and if a woman asked to split or take care of it, it was an insult to the man's ego and ability to provide. Recently I was asked to decide if the offer from a woman on a first date to split the check should be taken as a sign of rejection. I said no I would think for a first meeting she was being thoughtful and if she's the one who initiated the date maybe she's feeling somewhat responsible for it. Well...the what rock have you been hiding under look was shot at me by more than one younger person. I was bombarded with statements such as: " She didn't like him so she offered and that should tell him not to ask her out again." "She doesn't think he can afford her so she's dropping hints now." " She probably wanted to go home and not feel bad that he paid for her meal but she's going to reject him anyway." Oh my, I thought, what happened to just being nice and offering. I threw out this thought - What if you accept her money, what does that mean? Apparently it can mean anything ranging from, "I'm so glad that I didn't get taken for the whole horrible time." " I thought it was going well, guess I was wrong." and "I'm glad we feel the same and I won't have to let her down easy." Finally, someone my age showed up and said, he'd turn down the offer either way and pay because that's what a man should do. Dating has changed as far as finding dates online but has it all really changed? Are we sending signals through our wallets? What if a woman doesn't want to see the man again but let's him pick up the check, does that have a meaning or signal to it? I've seen more men take pride in being able to treat a woman to a night out than when they take a woman's money but I get the feeling that's just me...

What do you think? Is the answer to how your date is going all wrapped up in who pays in the end?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Question...

2009-08-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

What makes you decide to take a break from dating? There was a time when I promised myself I'd go out at least once with someone I was fixed up with, found online, or was straight out asked directly. I drove myself into a tailspin. I did this so I could get on with my life, get over a relationship, get back into the dating world, and get a man that was right for me in my life. Sounded like a good plan but in reality it didn't fit me. I had to take a break and of course that's when I met someone I wanted to date. Life has that special ironic twist to it and I went with it. However, some really do decide to take a break from dating anyone. Maybe life is stressful, maybe they need to find themselves, it could be that a broken heart needs time to heal, etc.

So what makes you take a break from dating and what do you do with that time?

Dealing with the ex's new life and partners...

2009-08-15T14:06:00.004-05:00

You have an issue with your ex regarding the kids and how to schedule day care, after school care, rules, privileges, boundaries, respect and more. You hang up the phone and share your frustrations about your ex with your partner. He/she has great ideas or just listens and will let you vent. How much involvement does your partner have in the real daily life issues with your kids and your ex? How much do you think they should have? Knowing that your ex might hang up the phone and talk behind your back to a person who has stepped into the role you no longer share directly with your ex might change how you deal with your ex. Maybe you take on more than you should in order to curb bad mouthing situations. You might try and place your ex in a position to push his/her buttons so the new partner can see your ex at their worst. You also might decide to do what's best for your children overall as usual, but is involving the new partner also a good idea? The easy answer - whatever the two families decide is best is what's best. I believe that part to be true but I also see a different side. Have you ever wondered who is spending time with your kids when you aren't there? You wonder about your kids friends and who they have as teachers. You want to make sure that everyone who has some length of time with your kids is a good influence so why not get to know the other half? Some figure that this person won't have a say in your kids upbringing but do you really know how your ex has reached their decisions? Maybe the decisions are made with the influence of this other person. How does your ex spend time with the kids when their partner is present? Is time really being spent blending? Is the relationship your ex is having a positive example of two people in love as well as a positive example of conflict resolution between two people. Relationships are hard enough to build sometimes and then you have to factor in the extras and how their families run and then somehow blend it all or figure out where you'll fit in. My experiences in this area have been positive ones when I was the person the ex was partnering with but there's no doubt you have to walk a fine line between the kids, the ex, and your partner since outsiders see things differently; not necessarily fairly but differently. I've seen exes who take on more of the time with the children in order to allow their ex to explore the new beginnings of a relationship. Once the relationship is established, I've seen those same people go back to the normal way of life in order to show the new partner what life is really like with the kids. Where they used to take on extra weekends and days, they pull back and say your responsibility is what it is and you will do it with new partner or not. What if the new partner has kids that are grown or never had kids? This partner might be finished being a part of the outside kid activities or not used to fitting it into their weekend schedule and wants that single life time sans kids. How do you handle this? I've been lucky, I haven't had too much trouble with this. I've dated men with kids and men without. I didn't expect the men to show up to my kids activities. One did and one didn't. It didn't matter but I noticed that efforts were made with my kids by both in different ways. Showing respect to the new guy/gal is great but keep in mind this person is a part of your kids life if he/she is around even if it's only for your ex the person is still around your kids and it should probably be a factor that isn't overlooked or underestimated.

How do you handle this delicate situation? Are you happy with the results of your efforts or is there a lack of effort on purpose?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay...could you do it...

2009-08-13T19:46:00.004-05:00

Topic of discussion... The question from the post before...Could you have a "fling" with a younger man and I'm talking 15 to 20 years younger? Men, I know it's more in style for you to do this but I have some questions about it. The first thing a few of us older women talked about was how aware of our bodies we'd become. How we'd have to be in great shape to even consider this. I mentioned that I wouldn't feel right because in some sense I could be a younger man's mom and that just became a disgusting thought in my head. But then our attention turned to the young men who said that they find us attractive and don't see our bodies the way we do. Thank god but really I don't buy it...the guy would need blinders or has really poor vision. Or quiet possibly doesn't know I'm being held together by plastic surgery and shapewear. I know I look somewhat younger than my age when I cover the gray and see my Botox buddy so I have been looked at before and asked out by younger men. When I tell them my age there's this look like they just came out of a horror movie so I have a hard time seeing that these men really do want these older women. I don't have a pot full of gold so there's no rainbow to anything waiting for them. Ahh but men, let's see...how come these older men don't worry what their bodies look like to these young women? Sometimes the more gray hair the more attracted these women become. I have never had the experience of being one of these much younger women so I don't know the little intricacies of dating an older man. If he's successful, I can understand the power turn on. If he's got time to spare, I can understand having someone who is available to be with you and travel. If he's got money, I can see some women finding that a plus and a turn on as well. Is it enough to get you beyond the aging process? Can someone love you so much that you can look past the decline in the body as it ages and see it all as a process but not a barricade to love? Can you really stay interested and involved in one another when the age difference is so great and we want different things at different ages? I work with a handsome young man who misjudged my age. I noticed that he was talking to me about many things I'm interested in. His age isn't a hindrance to what he knows and explores in his free time. He said he has never connected to someone his own age. Once he learned of my chronological age, he took a step back and I said, " So you do have a stopping point?" We laughed and he said the step back was out of surprise not disgust...he has to say this, he works with me.

What's your viewpoint on this? Have you ever considered this type of relationship or are currently in one? Please share what you think...

" You never know when someone is falling in love with your smile" Quote

2009-08-11T22:03:00.007-05:00

A Charming personality can make a lot of superficial connections. Are you a person who just connects easily? Maybe you are one of those people who makes instant friends and maybe you are just a personable person? Is it possible that you learned to overcome shyness by stepping out of your comfort zone and learned to be outgoing and outward with others because it was economically a wise decision? Do you know when someone is falling in love with your smile and you don't want them to but you are just connecting and are satisfied with that outcome? Oh what to do when you find out you are talking with someone and you are a smiley kind of person and the person across from you is falling in love or reading that smile as a love connection. A couple of people have told me that it seems that those in their presence are getting the wrong vibes and it seems to stem from their smiley personality. Do we live in a world where the norm is to not be friendly that when someone takes a little time out or shows an interest in one's life, it's flirting and showing an interest? So I was asked what should a woman do when a guy asks her out based on this friendly meeting that was really just two people having lunch together? I asked a man that I spend a lot of time with and smile all of the time to because he is so helpful to me at all times. He was shaking his head not enjoying the pressure of having to find an answer...he told me that if I wasn't twenty years older, he'd question my smiley interactions with him and he knows I'm not the cougar type but he said that he had the advantage of watching me around others and saw I was the same with everyone regardless of gender. However, he did say that when asking a woman if you can call her is accepted with a smile it makes a man think she's into him. He does look for the smiles and the eyes lighting up. Can we be fooled by charming personalities? Are those the bad guys that nice guys are losing out to? Can a woman be a seducer of sorts with her smile but really is a tease and you're left wondering what went wrong? I'm asking these questions because of course I look for smiling people, I like charming personalities, but I also know women who have had to let down some very nice men who aren't aware that in some cases a smile is just a smile.
What do you all think about this? Do you fall for it...have you read it all wrong and what did you do after that awkward awakening?

Themes in life...

2009-08-09T21:26:00.005-05:00

Have you ever been somewhere when it hits you that there's a theme running through your life? A summer of rebuilding, renewing, relaxing, reuniting, rewinding, redoing. My life was in transition, the furniture style I have been leaning toward is transitional, at work we're talking about the transition of out with the old and in with the new. I have been out of a relationship for many many months and thinking that eventually I will transition into the dating scene when the time is right and stable. Working with so many in the behavioral field these days there's been much talk about how many don't take the time to be in the limbo transition phase so a stable foundation can be acquired and tested. It's been said that many times it's just acquired and on people go before the home life and all is stable for a lengthy period of time. Then, they wonder why life is chaotic because they jumped too soon. So what about transitions in relationships? How do we decide when it's time to work toward a change? Change doesn't necessarily need to be a bad thing. Many don't like change but this isn't about sudden change it's that step in between that is the transition. An active choice you make for change and in some cases you mature into this transition. I read an article about how a woman should never move in with her boyfriend until she's engaged with a date set. That's the only thing that should be a transition. If you move in, the article eluded that it's just geography and not a transition in the relationship. What do you all think about that? What about transitions of wondering when you should stay or go. How do you know what to do when you're married and you think you want a divorce? How do you lessen the change? If you're in a relationship that's a struggle, where do you go from there? Do you think if I try and get out, I might be missing out on the best that's yet to come? Or, you feel it's going to be the same old same old so figure out how to leave in the same old way? There's some who transition from one person to the next with a blending period of a week or two. Someone once told me that he was hesitant to date me for two reasons- One, I gave no indication I was interested so how would he transition a friendship into a relationship. Two- because my past indicated future performance (you know that quote) and that I had gotten back with my ex boyfriend more than once so I would probably continue to do this. I wondered, did he realize that I write on this site and there's plenty about relationships that eventually come to an end and stay there? I used my divorce as a past behavior example as well...it was over and done with no returns. This man returned a couple of times to the same person and I thought should I take note of that, is that what he's trying to tell me? Then, I had another man tell me there was a time he was hoping I'd go out with him because my dedication to working it out and persistence in trying to always step it up each time I had returned to that very relationship was impressive and a quality he most admired. It was also mentioned that the steady removal of my kids and myself showed an understanding of a transition phase in relationships. It seems when a couple of men had talked about their marriage/divorce situations with me there seemed to be this lack of wanting to work things out on the part of the women so my returning to try again appeared admirable. I'll leave out what I thought of my own return for now. Times of transition are hard when you have to leave something behind and move onto something better or for that matter even something unknown. I always hear the song "To Sir With Love" and think of transitions of growing up and growing out of relationships. I have a particular person in mind when I hear it. No I didn't have a romance with any teacher of mine back in the day, well...I take that back I did have one with a TA but he was close to my age and not like the song at all but I digress. I look around me with all of the transitions and look forward to the fall and the possibilities of good that lie ahead. However, I'm not really in relationship transition at this time but hope you can share your stories for those that are. I'd be happy to help with my thoughts on it.

It's all there in a song...

2009-08-05T00:01:00.007-05:00

Come Back To Me by David Cook is a great song and by the end of it, you're in it, wanting it to be true, and hope if you need to find yourself - your partner will wait for you. So I was asked what I think of this song. Coincidentally, I was blasting the song in my ears, singing along while working on this site sitting outside in the sun when the comment came through. First, I like that the words acknowledge the need for a person to find oneself if when looking into the mirror they feel lost and disconnected from whom they see looking back at them. No blame is being added to either party in the song - I like that too. Well...it's romantic to think that someone loves you so much to accept that you need to go off and find you on your own and he/she will not only wait for you theoretically, but also will leave your things right were you left them. I'm assuming your picture will stay right where it was and the man/woman isn't wanting anyone but you so, no need to be in a hurry in general. I love the lines, " I can't get close if you're not there. I can't get inside if there's no soul to bare." When David Cook is singing you are probably thinking...he gets it. Someone needs to work on some things and find who they are but instead of being bitter and sabotaging the effort with emotional blackmail, a supportive approach is taken and if this is really love, no one else will do. How romantic and loving? Here's what happened the first time I heard it...I thought can this be real? This man is saying he'll wait. He didn't say, no way, I'm not putting my life on hold while you find yours. Nothing was said to the effect of - you go find yourself and I'll find others any way I can. While listening I began to envision her pictures still on the dresser and throughout the house. I even began to wonder what if a guy I hypothetically had once dated kept my pictures out in the open where we left them, never looked for anyone else, worked on himself while I worked on my things, and waited for me. If you've ever had to say to someone that you need to find yourself, then you know it's usually a break up and not an I'll wait approach reception. Does the waiting and stand by you approach mean the love is any more real than a person who says I can't stand by while you go off to find yourself? If you've ever been this person needing the time away, in theory you might be swept up in the song and the understanding that a person sometimes needs to do this. But, you might also smile as I did at the thought that it might be possible to be in a relationship where someone will honestly and loyaly wait and actually be capable of coming through with the promise to be there. The song sweeps us off our feet because we all dream of this at some point when we decide that maybe we need some time. It also helps sell CD's.

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The power of goodnight...

2009-08-02T00:21:00.004-05:00

When couples break up one routine moment goes away with the relationship...The goodnight. What reminded me of this comforting moment in a relationship has nothing to do with a man. No, I'm not playing for the other team these days, but a woman, an unassuming woman who was probably just doing her job struck a chord when she said goodnight. In a rush to catch the scary movie, The Orphan, my son and I were hurrying out of a department store trying to get to the door before it locked up for the night. Just as we noticed the downfall of rain we'd have to endure before getting to the car; a sweet, caring voice said goodnight. Not come back and see us goodbye or thanks for shopping with us goodnight but a real goodnight with meaning. It was so out of the ordinary that it stopped us and a few of the others behind us. My son turned and looked at me as if to say what was that about? I found myself thinking out loud and said, now that's a statement on the power of saying goodnight and the goodnight call. Behind me a woman said, "You got that right." Off we went to our movie but I kept in mind that many underestimate taking the time to make that call at the right moment, and others who get tired of the routine call or feel it's an obligation are also missing it when it's gone or missing having someone to call in general. When I was getting divorced many years ago, my close friend was going through the same. She'd call me before going to bed to say goodnight. We had already checked in with one another once or twice in the day but she wanted to know she had someone to say goodnight to even if it was just me. If I knew I wouldn't be able to get the call, I'd call her early, check in and say goodnight which she truly appreciated. It made some rough times seem a little less rough. Early in new relationships we can't wait to get that goodnight call and wonder if our phones will ring, and others know the routine after awhile and can't wait to say/hear goodnight. There are those moments when the goodnight call doesn't come and one begins to use it as a sign that something in the relationship isn't quite like it should be. Getting that call can make a peaceful goodnight and the lack of one can cause tossing and turning. As my son and I were leaving the movie, there were a couple of people standing in the hallway making that goodnight call before going into their show. Others were making a call to say stay up, I want to tell you goodnight when the movie is over. Is it about knowing someone is there for you? What if after months go by the person you broke up with calls out of nowhere to tell you goodnight? What kind of moment would that be for you? Would it wipe away all of the problems that were in the relationship? Would it mean someone is getting that the goodnight wasn't just an obligation but held a real connection? Can it bring two people together? Can it keep two people together? A couple of people once wrote in that they want that call when one is on a business trip or vacation, often it's asked is it too much to expect that? I'm sure that the woman who told us goodnight at the end of our department store visit had no idea of the impact of her compound word that evening. Jokingly, in my head I thought what if she had said goodbye instead. If it had hit a chord, would this post be about how a word can remind us of a cold break up? Hmmm....Goodnight - such a powerful word.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Don't you wish you really knew...

2009-07-29T00:14:00.006-05:00

Don't you wish you could really know the real reason the man or woman you're with became the way he/she is when in a relationship? Someone once told me that the only woman her ex ever cheated on was her. She later found out it happened before her and after her and in some way there was a turning point that created this behavior. Can a man be rejected over and over for who he really is and never trust any loving relationship and in so doing, recreates his spiraling negative situation time and time again? I've also heard that once you've been cheated on you will assume each partner is cheating...I don't believe that to be true 100%. However, what if you are the one doing the cheating? Do you assume everyone is lying to you or cheating on you? Are you creating your own problem with distrust? There are people who swear they'll never marry again...don't you wonder what could have been so devastating for life? Believe me, I'm not naive to such matters, just try mentioning family courts to me, my stomach turns and I can feel my nerves stand on edge. In my case, I'm not having anymore children in this lifetime so I don't have to worry about that part again. A postal worker was telling me he couldn't even remember where he resides sometimes because after sending his alimony checks to the two ex wives, he forgets which house is really considered his...This hasn't stopped him from dating but possibly from marrying. Is there a time in your life that you can look back to that will explain a pivotal moment in your life that changed how your relationships are played out? Have you ever asked your date what they were like before their marriage, separation, compared to now? The answers can be very eye opening. You may find the story isn't a pretty happy one, but it may explain so much as you proceed forward or even may change your mind to think you should start backing out. Try this one...ask yourself if there's something that changed who you are in relationships? One day you might have to answer and just like an interview, a positive spin probably would be helpful.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Outsiders and their opinions...

2009-07-24T00:03:00.007-05:00

Do you ever blame your actions in your own relationships on outsiders and their opinions? Do you date someone who does? In my own life I was asked straight up by a close friend not to answer as me but to answer as Savannah would. Did he suddenly like Savannah better I wondered? Then, it came to me...he thinks as Savannah it would be an objective opinion but as me it would be biased me giving advice based on who I know him to be. Inwardly I looked and thought would the advice be the same? He felt it would be the same however delivered differently. The advice would be in a generic form as in ... people should or one could consider and he could then feel removed emotionally from the problem to make a decision and in some way feel that he entered a common ground with others who will do the same in the situation. He reiterated the importance of looking at the problem objectively and unemotionally. I explained the importance of understanding that each situation and relationship has it's own little nuances and ebb and flow, that most definitely has to be considered. We talked in length about advice that had been given to each of us in our past and other's who used the excuse of my friends said I shouldn't worry about x,y,z and go ahead and do a,b,c. The problem with that is...if you've dated someone for a long long time; you've probably heard stories about these friends and start to wonder why your partner is not only seeking their advice but quoting it as gospel. One of my favorites (eye roll please) is when you're partner says he/she never talks or confides in his/her friends about personal relationship issues but, due to their friends' advice, you just got dumped, stood up, left during a stressful time, cheated on, disrespected in other words in some form. While typing this out, I am reminded of a time where I thought - what an unusual set of circumstances in a relationship but then watched someone turn to others who never lived any of it for advice on how to handle it instead of turning to their partner. The outcome wasn't very pretty and when the friend excuse was given in the relationship, it got even uglier. You've heard it...the plea of, "I didn't know what to do and my friends' said to do (fill in here) and I thought okay." This friend excuse runs the spectrum. It could be as simple as skipping a partner's obligatory party to go to the baseball game instead...box seats and all. Or, it could be worse...you're needed at the hospital to hold your partner's hand and your friends tell you that you'd be in the way and he/she will be knocked out anyway. It's better you're there when he/she comes home and needs help - go play golf, tennis, fish...he/she will be there when you're done. Well, there's your out. I always thought in dire situations most people will just know what to do or how to talk about what to do and time has taught me the opposite. Sometimes communication gets in the way and more needs to be said for someone to know your expectations and sometimes the communication is just fine but the want to be somewhere else or to do something else is better left blamed on the friends...

Share your thoughts and stories...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Too much, too fast, too many...possibly?

2009-07-15T00:36:00.002-05:00

Everything and anything is possible...so I'm told, but that's usually said to give me the feeling that I can achieve whatever I aim for and all my wishes will come true so I should shoot for the moon. And as the saying goes, if I land on a star then I have reached really high and it's great just the way it is. I have a book mark that has the quote on it for inspirational moments. However does this apply to your love life? With all of the choices out there; actually virtually out there...do we feel we might be missing out even if the person we're with is a good match for us and landing on that star isn't good enough because the moon just might be attainable? I guess I better define "good match". It's all good, not perfect obviously, but all good and you're both happy and things just work, you're in love and able to work on the big stuff, and you can fill in the blank for the rest. When I was newly single and dating away to meet people and figure out what was best for me, I noticed that even I could get overbooked, preoccupied with the other choices, and having my hopes on returning home to an email from profile #5678 while on a date with profile #1234. Maybe I thought the second guy had more qualities on paper that would work out better for me but as we all know, it can all be deceiving and as some are learning some of these people may not actually exist. We still need our resources though so maybe you've signed up for a couple of online services and possibly put down payment equal to a couple car payments to a dating service promising 15 dates, all in the hopes of finding the "perfect" one. I've been there on the date where you can tell a commitment is going to be hard to reach because you're being compared to something not yet given the chance to deliver or it was getting there but not as fast as your relationship and there's this fork in the road needing to be decided upon. In the name of finding a love and companion for life is it possible that there are too many services allowing for us to feel we haven't come close to really seeing it all to make a decision? Why need to see it all anyway if the person you're with is good enough for you and you wouldn't look to upgrade or trade in if the virtual options weren't appearing to be attainable? Is this a gender thing where there are more men thinking they might be missing out compared to a woman? When I was on overload, I almost cracked. I couldn't remember what I wore and with whom and who had what going on in their family and life. It was too much and not me, but when I thought I found someone worth taking the time to explore a relationship with, I could tell this person had a fork in the road decision to make. Should that be the case but you are the chosen one, the discussion turns to removing oneself from all of the dating sites, services, and email contacts in order to be committed to working on being a partnership. Now, think how easy it is to have all of this available again at just a click during a disagreement, low moment, insecure time. In just a flash you can reopen your profile, account, send an email that seems innocent but caring in nature. Um, sure, we won't know if it happened or not but does anyone see how defeating this behavior is if what they want is a real relationship leading to more? It isn't always a matter of getting caught, in some cases it's a matter of self defeating behavior that keeps yourself from living the life you want with the person that wasn't just good enough but possibly quite right for you.

Share your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

How to explain...

2009-07-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Taking a break from playing Wii's Mario Party with my kids, we had to check in on the Michael Jackson story. For better or worse, my kids understand what's going on with the investigation and the issues at hand. What happened in between shows, that's another story. There was breaking news of another congressman who had an affair and a follow up to the last politician whose affair became public. Next in the line up, a commercial for Ashley Madison dating service came on and my daughter asked, " What does it mean when it says - when divorce is not an option." My son inferred that it meant trying to find the right one so you don't end up divorced. Ashley Madison is for people who are married, looking to stay married, but need a little something more. Another commercial came to mind that has since been removed. It was a commercial making it appear that if you aren't a married couple, your children will have tremendous issues and that it's unacceptable. I know in my hometown it was discussed on a radio show and the host said his company will not play it since so many families are on their way to school listening to the radio and feeling great about who they are and what they've accomplished. To hear this might have quite an effect on a child's self esteem more than the fact that their parents are divorced. Well...I get that and completely agreed this commercial was doing more harm than good if you consider that one of every two marriages ends in divorce. But what message is this Ashley Madison commercial sending when most of us are trying to raise our kids to not cheat or look elsewhere when dating and most of all we are expecting adults to refrain from adultery? We have others asking politicians to step down or be impeached when it comes to light that an affair has happened? I don't want to get into some political debate, just simply wondering what is being promoted, what behaviors are we starting to accept more and more as "normal". Curious what you might think...do you think this commercial puts a temptation in place that didn't and wouldn't exist otherwise? A review talked about the routine and monotonous daily grind that so many feel when the honeymoon wears off and the kids are young. It acknowledges that most want to stay married but for some there's a spark that's missing and this is one avenue that helps fulfill that desire. If this is an outlet that has been agreed upon between a couple so be it but should this be a commercial that teenagers on their way to college and getting involved in relationships should be viewing? What would you tell your kids if this aired while all was watching?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do we look for love in the wrong places....?

2009-07-09T00:54:00.007-05:00

Maybe you've heard this before...if you're looking for a long time love relationship, stay away from the newly divorced man or woman. If you're looking for a relationship based on trust, don't date a married man or woman. If you're looking to be married one day...stay away from the man or woman who is going to waste your time. Okay, the first two we can figure out, but what does a man or woman who is going to waste our time look like? Hmmm....I can narrow it down some for you but we've covered a lot of it already. The question of looking for love in the wrong places and why was brought to my attention in a comment. I immediately had a picture in my mind of the young playboy type guy and someone in their forties and fifties. I'm not saying it couldn't work out but usually these people aren't looking for the same things in life. If you're thinking you don't want to be married one day and you're with someone who also doesn't want to be married then you might have found love in the right place, but if you change your mind...how's this going to work if only one changed their mind? What if the person challenges you and says he/she will change your mind about marriage? Does it mean he/she wants marriage or possess the power to make one wish to settle down? I know a couple of women who have fallen for this, thinking the man will want to marry one day so if they change their mind he'll be open to marriage but until then he's open to just dating so he's okay with it until you aren't. Later they find he was only open to dating and meant exactly what he said...he's capable of making you change your mind. Sure we need to listen and really listen without emotions sometimes but we brush off some very big differences between us because maybe it's true that love is blind. I once heard it said that if you can get through making the big choices together and go about it the same then you have it made...Think about your friends for a moment- you share everything with them and can work out almost anything together but do you agree with their morals and values at all times? What if you are betrayed by this friend would you still want them around? So even finding like interests and finding common ground is great but not fool proof. Finding yourself first before you go looking for someone else is a great idea. You will have a better chance of presenting yourself as a whole and knowing where someone will fit in or not. I thought about how men and women have a list of what they want and/or are just open to finding it all. Then, I thought specifically about this and words on a list don't measure intensity, honesty, discipline, frequency and more and maybe that's where the problem comes in. Is it the hammer and chisel idea? Do we knowingly know we've gone fishing in the wrong pond but think we can take this fish and change him/her to like different waters? I try not to get involved in that one...I have children and don't need to raise and adult one. So to answer the question of do we look for love in the wrong places? Many times we do but not because we wanted to but because we couldn't read all of the signs and once you can...your blinders start kicking in. When asked why do people come here when they know they are in bad relationships wanting something they aren't going to get, I can only answer by saying there's comfort in knowing you're not alone, others make mistakes, and sometimes seeing many other points of view helps one gather strength, knowledge and the confidence to know they'll be okay no matter what.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Keeping this simple...

2009-07-03T23:08:00.007-05:00

So here's an easy one... for most, but then I find myself sometimes on the listening end of someone saying things like...Hey, if he can go and have lunch with his "assistant" then I can go and have lunch with my handsome "co-worker" right?

Situation/Question:
You are dating someone and under the impression that you have a commitment to each other. You find out indirectly that an indiscretion took place. It's proof positive that it happened as far as the actual date, meeting, impromptu chance, you name it. This isn't rumor, it just wasn't disclosed to you first hand. It may have been a one time situation, a friend that is forbidden/not agreed upon, or possibly sending out feelers. Either way, it happened, you know and no one has said it's over. Does this mean all bets are off and you can do whatever you want while staying in your relationship but keeping it on the down low too? Does this mean you can start hanging out with that friend from the opposite sex or meet members of the opposite sex in the same way as was done to you?

Write in your stories and thoughts on this...

©2009 Savannah Jones

High maintenance or a matter of "getting" someone?

2009-06-26T00:58:00.004-05:00

So just how long do people need to be together before they "get" one another? My children were relaying a story from the past to my best friend. The story was about someone in my space, butting in at a time when most would know to stay quiet around me, and not quite being aware of my own idiosyncrasies and reasons behind them. My friend was laughing thinking of this happening around me and my possible reaction if pushed. My kids were laughing wondering how you can know me but not know these things about me. We all know that we all have different pet peeves or our own way of doing things but most of all that feeling of someone just "getting" you is one I know so many look for. Sometimes if you don't have it you feel like you are constantly struggling to explain who you are, what you like, and the things that get on your nerves and this can be extremely frustrating. What I hadn't seen until that moment with my kids, is how much they pick up on this as well. In my own life, I try to make sure that I don't purposely knock a friend off balance so I don't click my pens when I'm around him. Another person in my life is very sensitive to sarcasm; her friends and I are careful because she gets offended by that form of humor. Do we always see what the big deal is with these issues? Probably not, but out of caring, love and respect it's worth it to pay attention. Some have a built in radar that readily understands the why behind it or don't even care why, but just sense the need to seize certain behaviors. Well... my friend threw out this question to my kids: "What kind of person do you think does this?" Simultaneously, my friend and I said, " someone with their own agenda who isn't listening or picking up on cues from the other person." Being in sync on this didn't happen by accident, it happened because our experiences with people and our backgrounds are for the most part the same. The next idea brought up by my kids - why when you tell someone who you are and what bugs you, do they try and tell you that it doesn't bug you, you're not that way, and say things like, "oh come on you know you're not like that?" After all, I teach my kids what I've said before on here...most of the time we tell people who we are. The example they remembered- two different people asking me to see a horror flick knowing that I used to love those movies. One person completely thought this through before asking and prefaced it with one of those...you might not want to go because____but I know you cover your eyes when those parts come on. Another person completely disregarded my explanation and effort to decline the invitation, then proceeded to tell me I'm not like that. My friend and I talked about how inside some people's minds there's a visual scale and that some people put these thoughts, issues, pet peeves, idiosyncrasies on one side or the other. Possibly one side is labeled "Mismatch" and the other "I'll have to make note and continue to learn about this person." In a respectful tone (thus, showing they "get" me with respect) my friend recognized that I see gray sometimes and might have a third label. That label would be..."Check mark it's there and see if it comes up again and then decide. No learning about the person, just double checking if it will go away. "People's needs change and in certain times pet peeves grow, little nuances enter or become stronger, but what do you do when you want to be "gotten" and your date doesn't "get" it or you? Whose needs should be "gotten" and understood? Think this through before answering...not everything is so simple. Just an example - If you're a person who is touchy feely and someone you're around isn't, whose needs should be met? You can't make someone touchy feely but you can keep yourself from acting on the impulse to reach out and touch someone. Don't talk to me about meeting in the middle because that's the obvious but with this bubble idea there really isn't a middle with people who prefer distance. This isn't trying to say that one person is more difficult than the other. I think at this age the time has probably come for all to realize we have our own ways of doing things but at what point do you take a step back and not intrude, inflict and/or project your belief if you're wanting to be with this person? At what point is succeeding in your agenda all about meeting the needs of the other person? Is there ever that point?

You decide...share....

©2009 Savannah Jones

Minimizing, Rationalizing and Justifying...

2009-06-16T00:38:00.008-05:00

Do you minimize the issues, your unfavorable or your partners unfavorable actions in your relationships and rationalize why maybe you are being treated in a less than positive way? Do you make excuses for your loved one to your friends and to each other? Are you a participant in your life and relationships or are you a spectator waiting for the significant other to decide the relationship, your future, your life together and so on? Do you have something you want to say to your loved one but want to say it in the setup that you picked instead of getting the message out any way you can? Do you find a less than pleasant response to your sense of humor? I like this one question the best - Do you think you aren't allowed to make excuses but your partner somehow is allowed to have excuses presented as facts and it is the gospel? Some people try and do a sanity check with their friends when something goes awry and they feel that in some way the reaction is in question instead of the event itself. Over time, the memory fades, the circumstances seem to take on different points of view, and now the minimizing and rationalizing of behavior can begin to set in. Let's take a cheating partner caught in the act for example. Often one finds the reaction to be important instead of the act itself. Are they sorry, remorseful, honest, and more. Hmmm...this person was cheating, breaking vows, promises, boundaries and sometimes it seems the reaction holds more valuable information than the lack of morals and values displayed in the actual act. That's one example but hardly representative of all that would apply. Would you rather be with someone who knows how to say he/she is sorry, or do you want to be with someone who doesn't do things to be sorry about? I know, I know there's a middle ground of at least sorry was said and possibly a lesson learned but let's not hypothetically go there today and leave out the what if...

I was asked to write about friends; the well meaning kind and the not so well meaning kind. However, I wonder why deflect the problems onto the friends and not inward?

©2009 Savannah Jones

So then...what is worth the wait to you?

2009-06-13T01:04:00.011-05:00

Well folks... I waited, read all of the reviews, did my homework, was promised that the glitches would all be worked out, and even put my upgrade on hold to put it towards - the new Palm Pre at Sprint. I watched grown men and women sweat out the unknown...would there be a phone once their name was called? I also watched control freaks who felt that putting their name in the que and leaving was absurd. Those people were in the same spot when I returned an hour after putting my name in. I made friends with a Best Buy cellular salesmen and his fiance. These are good people to know when the phone goes bad. He was very informative about many of the tech things I have an interest in. Another man was asking me what advice I have for giving teenagers a cell phone. I learned it may not really matter who you know due to the fact that Sprint's own employees have to wait to receive their own Pre. My favorite - two women in their 50's in town for a grand baby shower had every Sprint store in the vicinity on Mapquest. When their names were called the sounds of excitement went unmatched. So was it worth the wait? I couldn't tell you...my Pre is broken. Multi-tasking on the Pre while sitting in a waiting room, my phone froze, short circuited, restarted on it's own, and froze again. I have to wait for a new one to come in and there's no date of delivery for this. Surprisingly, I just don't care all that much. It's actually freeing to not have a working phone and I do know like life, it will all work itself out one way or another. A woman who works at the Sprint store appreciatively told me I wasn't too upset compared to the others having issues. A shrug of the shoulders and an inside thought of in the scheme of things, this is nothing. I also have to say that some thoughts of past relationships that tested my patience went through my mind and I wondered is this where I originally learned my lessons in patience? You can imagine what you want, see that it will one day exist, do your homework, even get some reviews from the Beta Testers, be promised that the hangups are gone, pass up possible upgrades, get to know the friends of the new guy, get excited that it's here and workable. Then, it freezes, shorts out, you try and revive it, but there's no life left and you need to return the man back to singlehood. While waiting for the next one to come along, you search, look, compare, take a deep breath, smile that you're free of problems and hope you shop smarter the next time. Or, you pray that the next sample of the same model will just work out better. (Afterall, my short honeymoon phase showed so much promise)

©2009 Savannah Jones

Toxic People

2009-06-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

Know any people who really don't wish you the best but not because they don't love you, of course they do, but because they aren't happy so you being happy is a problem? There are many different types of toxic people and I'm not going to classify all categories. However, since we talked about people who complain about not being happy, there were some who talked to me about the flip side and how to deal with those relationship sabotaging people who don't want you to succeed because in their own life there's a struggle or perhaps, they are afraid of losing a friend. But, can you really tell who is friend, who is foe, and who is just worried about losing you? Think about it - the lines can at times blur; I thought about my own life and relaying stressful times in past relationships to friends. I know with one relationship, I had a friend who was jealous of my happiness and if there had been any teeny weeny moment of distress in my relationship, she was quick to tell me to leave. This came from a person who was in an unhappy marriage. I dealt with her easily...I didn't talk to her about my relationship not even the good parts. I talked about those types when my site first started a couple of years ago. But, there were those rocky relationships that had me wondering why did certain people want to see it work out when it had been over and over due to something not worth bragging about. It wasn't ever over because the relationship was too great to last. Let's face it...were those people really my friends, figuring if I'm happy then why shouldn't they be happy for me? I obviously wasn't happy and if it was over, I was probably hurt, sad, or trying to figure it out. A couple of the times some of those people would make excuses for these others in my life who were hurting me, hoping they were telling me what I wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear was the truth...anyone who is hurting/unfaithful/untrusting to you behind your back...you might want to think twice before you marry. I understand being a friend comes with an overwhelming amount of responsibility for some, but part of being a friend is being honest, straightforward, and there for you in good and bad times. I thought about myself with a certain friend of mine who by all definitions and on many levels is in an unhealthy relationship and I don't mince words with her about it. She once told me her own family members and then some friends waffle on what she should do or say when dealing with her boyfriend. Some try to point out that she needs to leave and offer a checklist on specifically why. Others, do this, but then if they can't get her to see it, they go along with it. For example, some try to talk her out of becoming submissive and subservient but over time just say how nice she is to do this and leave out the part that it's being done for a person who wouldn't give her this type of consideration or even close to it. I guess if you can't beat them join them approach is being used there. I know some have their own kids questioning what's happened to the parent they once knew. I've also noticed that some men are very manipulative in creating a belief that friends are against their girlfriend's happiness by convincing the woman that it's the reason the friends tell her to leave. At this point it may be true for some but if the woman really could have her own mind and hasn't lost it in settling for less than she originally wanted, she might see that her friends may see a shell of who she once was and has given in to less and put up with more than she should. Maybe she really is happy or gave up on a dream and made new ones, but if that's so - why the complaints about the same old same old? It isn't just men who try this - women have their ways too of trying to coax marriage and say that her boyfriend's friends are afraid they won't have their football, golfing, drinking buddy anymore if he gets married; so that's why the friends are on the boyfriend about staying single and so on. These women also talk about jealousy and saboteurs to their boyfriend's hoping to make them see that the guys insecurities are stemming from "those people" and not their own true doubts. Do we all have doubts about who we're marrying or dating and where it will eventually lead? I'm sure many of us have had this and even had panic attacks thinking it over. Should we heed those emotions...maybe. Can friends be toxic to our lives? Sure they can but at some point people can be toxic to themselves by not heeding the advice of those who really do care. How can you tell a wolf in sheep's clothing? Well...let's just hope it's not the girlfriend or boyfriend trying to convince you that your friends are doing a number on you. You might give up the very people who care and then go into hibernation with the cute, convincing, charming wolf who just got what he was hoping for.

I know there are so many who want the fairy tale ending but who dictates what that looks like for you? I know dreams can take on many variations, but compromising your principals shouldn't be the instigating reason for change. It should be a great place to start thinking about why you are changing your ways and settling for less than you used to want. Sometimes outsiders see what we need them to. Be careful as to who really is on your side and with whom you side, as well as tread lightly when making excuses for them or about them.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Quit your bit--in...

2009-05-26T19:04:00.005-05:00

Okay, how many times have you or your friend gone on and on about the things you or they can't stand regarding the current relationship...then, you or they go on and complain about not getting married, not getting engaged, not moving in, not moving along fast enough, not being good enough for you, not acting like you'd like and the person isn't shaping up or catching on fast enough? My first thought is why do you want to be with this person if he/she causes you so much grief? Well, I know we all put up with a lot because there isn't a perfect person out there that is going to possess everything we need or want but what if this person is really causing you emotional strife compared to the plain old complaining? What if you want out but can't help yourself out because you've become dependent on he/she for whatever reason? Some people just like having a person to call their own, some like the drama the relationship brings and enjoy never really having to make a decision about the relationship. There are many reasons why but recently I was asked just what do you tell these people when they complain over and over that their relationship just isn't making the grade? I first try and point out to someone in this predicament that if their not getting what they want, they should start making a pro and con list and decide priorities and traits that matter. Many of us have been through so much that we put up with things we know better than to put up with. Maybe at the time dealing with those things don't seem as pressing as the current crisis in life, but eventually that will change and the crisis will blow over just in time for you to make a decision or one is made for you. I try to point out that when a person knows better and isn't being treated as they'd treat others...it might be time to reassess the situation. Often by this time, a person is so far gone that all they are concerned about is what the other person is doing, thinking, wanting, and dreaming about. Think about it, how many times have you talked with someone who wonders if their ex has a guy/girl spending the night instead of worrying about how they spend their own nights? I've also had men and women get worried about the implications of what the ex is up to because the kids might be effected, but really one ex is having more fun than the other, has figured out how to get on with their life and it's bothersome to the one who's lagging behind. I've had desperate calls from friends while they are driving to spy on a man when they already know what's up. I usually go through a list of questions and without fail hear that the woman just wants to know what he's doing. That's usually said along with the dreams and hopes that were shattered but then the man gave a bit of hope in the last call and the woman just wants to know if he means it. This is followed with me asking why are we so worried about what he's doing instead of how you are spending your evening? My goal is to always get the woman to turn around and go home and realize this was a desperate attempt at finding the obvious. Men have their own ways of turning this kind of thing around. I have found that it usually isn't involving what the ex girlfriend is doing as much as it's about what the ex wife is up to and usually under the guise of it might not be the right thing for the children. There are ex wives who aren't as involved in making it to the kids games or making sure the kids do either. The finger pointing starts but in the end what one does on their weekend is really up to that person and hope that it's in the best interest in the kids. I've seen many dad's use the kids as their sole purpose for not getting a life even though every other weekend is free and then name call the ex for finding a life outside of the kids with balance. Rarely, have I heard a man question what the old girlfriend might be up to but I have heard many men speak with remorse when asked what the old girlfriend might be doing and if she's dating anyone else. I don't find men to go on and complain much about their current relationships. I don't know if it means they dump the person before they find themselves chatting it up in the negative, but I can surmise that sharing the complexities of their relationships isn't on the top of their list when hanging with friends.

What's your take on all of this and how do you handle those who are complaining but unwilling to make a change and/or accept change...?

©2009 Savannah Jones

What if there were no labels?

2009-05-21T17:30:00.003-05:00

What if there wasn't a label attached to your relationship, would it go more smoothly? When there's no label attached to a relationship, is the pressure off or is there more concern and doubt? This labeling idea would even include the "friends with benefits" term. Expectations change as a couple tries to define what it is they have together and when expectations are included they are no longer met as a welcome surprise but a must do or else check off list. If you don't want to be with anyone other than who you're with, do you need to define it, describe it, make it seem more valid by giving it a name or is that something others place on us? I was thinking back to a time when someone once asked me to explain what I was with a man and as soon as the question was asked, the stakes seemed somehow raised. I was enjoying myself without a description, we were enjoying each other's company but now the pressure of what are we "really" sunk in and I no longer was into this. Would the relationship have gained momentum without the pressure or fizzle out like it did once I had to really look at this as a meaningful lifetime walk around and claim one another thing? Thinking back to times that remained as memorable in friends minds, it seemed the first time someone was introduced as more than just their name made a big impression. I remember one man telling me he never felt so loved as when a woman he was dating introduced him as her boyfriend at a party. He felt like he really was a couple with her more at that moment than any other time prior. He said it did change some things like spending the night together at each other's places, considering themselves as one most of the time as a partnership. It upped the ante sort of speak. He said that when she wanted more out of the relationship as live ins and then marriage, he ended the relationship. He didn't want to be anything more with her or anyone else. He went on to add that later the relationship turned into friends with benefits and that was all he was capable of giving to her. I love you's were exchanged during those moments and I wondered did both understand what was meant by those words at the time and were both expressing them for the same reasons. Sometimes people love someone because of a past they shared or moments shared at the time but not as a wife/husband in the future. Labels seem to make others feel more comfortable when dealing with couples. I know people who can handle a mistress as long as that's the label given for the situation in the open and no guessing is required. Do labels dictate the rules or do people have enough values and morals to adhere to what they feel is right within the framework without a discussion?

Do you constantly feel you need to define what you are with someone or can you fly by the seat of your pants? Do you need the reassurance of a label to guide your moral compass and keep the flow going as a guide to when to call it quits? Labels - what's your take on it?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do you bother?

2009-05-19T08:34:00.005-05:00

Went to bed watching Sex and the City and woke up to a radio talk show about break ups...there was a theme. Last night it was accidentally saying I love you and today it was at what point do you owe someone a break up talk? All good questions I thought but is it really a heart wrenching decision to make? On Sex and the City Samantha experimented with the drug ecstasy and said I love you to a man she's been with. She didn't hear anything back and it didn't matter at the time but the next morning...she wanted to erase saying it. When she decided to discuss it, the guy knew it was said "under the influence" (wink, wink) and dropped it. At that point Samantha was hurt that she didn't hear those same words in return. Just goes to show...people are hard to please. This morning, the radio show was asking that if you date a girl for a few dates can you let it fizzle out without the talk and just stop calling? That all sounds fine until you turn it around on a guy and he wonders why you stopped talking to him and says to his friends that he wishes you could have been mature enough to just say you weren't interested. There are as many ways to give a brush off as there are people. As much as the rejections seem the same they all have their little nuances. Some people begin to distance themselves and stop calling as much. Seems pretty simple, that's the time to start the talking. Why distance yourself and not try and work on something? If you're keeping one foot in...you must want it to work out somehow or to not lose it for some reason. I try to keep to the golden rule so if I can tell after a few dates this isn't going to work out...I don't play hide and don't seek, I let the person know this isn't for me. Why keep them guessing? It seemed the responses to the question on the radio show were in favor of some reply and/or explanation as to why one would not want to have another date.

What are your thoughts...What suggestions and experiences do you have with this that might help others...

Hop, Skip, Jump...

2009-05-09T08:29:00.005-05:00

Breaking up, staying friends, letting time fly by...we all do this differently and have different views. One of the things I've been asked about is those who are able to move on and not look back and how do they do it. There are several reasons couples are no longer together so giving one general answer isn't enough. However, I was asked to explain how circumstances that create distance keep it there other than the obvious - which is actual distance. In my own life which can seem like a runaway train, life can happen so quickly and in an instance of a phone call situations change. Those calls don't always need to be negative ones. There could be good news on the other end that brings about a shift as well. If you have broken up with someone and your life starts changing and continues to get further from what it looked like when you were together, it's harder to picture that person in your life standing by your side being there with you in it's current state. If your life takes on a new direction it would look foreign to the mind to have that person in the picture if this wasn't part of the plan or a plan this person would choose to take part in. So then I was asked, what about new relationships and keeping it going if life takes a huge fork in the road...I guess I feel the same about those. If the person doesn't keep up and keeps waiting for someone to say jump on the train, it's harder to see that person in the current reality by your side because they are appearing in the distance dealing with their own way of doing things and or waiting for you to invite them on the train. Usually people dealing with runaway trains don't invite others to hop on...they hope they will but don't ask. Many who know how to stay connected and involved, will jump on, ride alongside, or help navigate. A person one broke up with isn't really in the position to do those positive moves so they become further away from being in the loop and looking back you'll see yourself so far removed from that time. Can they jump on the train at anytime...I guess they could, that depends on how your memory works and what you see when you look back and what you envision for yourself when you look forward.

Please share your view...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Like, Love, In Love...

2009-05-06T01:22:00.000-05:00

" I love you but I'm not in love with you." Have you ever said this, heard this, both? Are we expecting to be 'in love' till death do us part? Why for some isn't love enough and not just their love for someone but also the love they receive in return? I was asked what it means when someone says, I love you but I'm not in love with you. This person was wondering does it mean the man loves her like he loves his sister? Are people really looking for love or is it possible companionship is really the goal? So is it possible someone really "likes" you and doesn't wish anything bad for you, will be there for you, but isn't quite passionately into you? Sure this is possible, one just hopes this isn't the case with the person he/she is so in love with. Some people like the romantic drama of being in love with someone who can't or won't return that love. Many times those people are consumed by hanging on to every last word of hope that sounds like a positive step in their direction. I've been told that this phrase is said by people who are being unfaithful. The in love feeling is coming from the new off limits person and there's a twisting of insight as to a new love being the end all to the feeling of being in love and the stable consistent relationship is viewed as steady but just love. Have you ever been in or left a relationship were you loved the person but couldn't stay in love with him/her. How did you get this across and why did you bother to say it in the first place? Should we be in love with our partner for the rest of our life or consider ourselves lucky to have someone we love, love us in return.

What are your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Why can't we be friends...?

2009-04-29T08:23:00.007-05:00

"Friends...right? We can still talk and see each other, can't we?" Words uttered by one as a relationship has come to the end. Or, you hear, “Stay away! Don't call, don't email, and don’t ask to see me." The question of what to do with all of the feelings of a life and years gone by enters the mind as one says goodbye. Relationships take time to grow, to become trusting, and to form an unbreakable bond. If you've been in a lengthy relationship you know how you build a routine of calls, activities, days/nights together, hobbies, projects and basically a routine new life as a couple. So, what to do if one of you decides to bail out, falls out of love, can't hack it, finds someone else? You're ebb and flow of life becomes out of sync but in some cases the balance as you remember it, might automatically return with the disappearance of the relationship. Either way you're left to start a new life alone. This can be a difficult time because everything you did, you did with your best friend, confidant, and life is better when shared by two. What do you do now? Like a divorce, you might have to spend time undoing connections such as financial matters, splitting up items, etc. Once that's out of the way, one or both of you will want to know how to proceed from there. Do you desire to be friends, how friendly do you want it, or should you cut your losses and go cold turkey? My thoughts on friends after break ups are more along the lines of - there were great things between the two that kept it going. These traits and chemistry will always be present when renewing a friendship while the negative memories and frustrations that caused the break up are removed. Therefore, if you continue to see each other, you could be on this merry - go -round of hope for years. Some relationships run their course with both parties amicably ending it. Those people may realize there's nothing left and move on. Others love and care for each other dearly and keep a foot in the door for the just in case I made a mistake moment, the I can't find what I'm really looking for moment, or silly me, everyone has shortcomings but I like yours better moment. Some really do want to stay friends and can pull it off without any harm to a future apart. I'd still create some distance for awhile before attempting this. It will allow for you to begin creating a new routine, find new interests, and catch up on all that fell by the wayside during your relationship. I think people really believe good-bye has to be forever. In some cases it's imperative. However, technology today allows us to reach out and touch someone with barriers. I can send well wishes or chat without that attraction/feelings factor. Even a phone call can set someone back in time (good/bad) and impinge on our self created boundaries. Controllable distance is all about willpower. I think we know what's best for us during these times and try to provide what we need. Sometimes we choose to not rid ourselves of familiar surroundings, it isn't the right time. Maybe you aren't steady on your emotional feet yet and ready to let go. Eventually, one hopes that the steadiness will find its way to your well being and letting go will become second nature to you. As you let go, emotional stability becomes a part of who you are. You may feel like you're falling since there's no one by your side to pick you up, but really you might have just earned your wings and begun to fly.

We deliberate greatly over how to say it's not working out. We try to get the perfect ending knowing that there's a greater chance that the ending may dictate the viability of a future friendship and/or relationship. One thing I have noticed- Time and distance create change if you want it to. It's a chance to fly solo and find out who you are and what you like when you're alone. That reflective step back might really be two steps forward towards moving on.

Share...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Betrayal

2009-04-24T08:33:00.000-05:00

What does betrayal mean to you...

Is it a breech of trust, a broken promise, an affair, a lapse in loyalty? Can you overcome betrayal and remain in a relationship with the person involved? I've had many talks with friends about incidents of betrayal of cheating partners, partners who were somewhere other than where they said, partners who promised something and back peddled, and you can fill in the rest with your own story I'm sure My favorite is a story about a woman who found out her significant other was seen at a jewelry store with a woman when he said he was working late. It didn't matter to her that he lied about where he was and who he was with as long as she was the recipient of what was purchased at the jewelry store. Sometimes betrayals can hurt us to our very core and others are a jolt to our perceptions. It seemed this woman's perception was clear about who he was and what he did outside of the relationship. In her mind, this was no longer about the betrayal of loyalty, promises, or even an affair. The only misconception and hiding of the truth was the woman hiding from her friends that she was aware of this and accepted it within the framework of her relationship. It's possible she looked at this man and decided this was part of who he was and compared to all of the rest...her needs were met and she didn't care. I don't advocate affairs in relationships by any means. I'm just pointing out that we all have a different view of betrayal. So I was asked - If a man is really a good person but gets caught lying about a woman; what do we see? Do we see a good person with a weak demeanor in this area or do we see a cad with little redeeming qualities? Is a relationship deemed irreconcilable or is it the perception of the person that makes it irreparable? Someone once said all he could see was his partner in the arms of the other man and couldn't get passed it to make things work. He was then asked if this person he loved was a good person, a loving person, a truly remorseful woman and could he work with that?

What do you think about betrayal? How do you handle it? How do you deal with allowing this person to be in your life? Any thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

2009-04-23T09:31:00.001-05:00

Technical issues prevented me from posting new comments. These comments cannot be retrieved at this time. If you want to resend you may do so.

What are your thoughts on the big flirt?

2009-04-21T03:09:00.000-05:00

“Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?" - Helen Rowland

Playing hard to get...some do it better than others and some really are hard to get. Attaining the unattainable is a competitive man's game. Is it a game they hope to win and keep the prize or is it all about the catch and release? When a woman flirts...do men misunderstand or do they completely understand and feel admired? Do we flirt for different reasons.? When you flirt, what are you hoping to gain from it? Is it in your dress, your walk, your look? Walking into the eye doctors office replacing my contacts with glasses, I was the recipient of double takes and smiles. I thought I had doubled my IQ but really I just gave way to that whole librarian dream. Now add a patch and well...the looks changed, the sympathy nod given and the treating me like a helpless woman settled in. In one day I went from librarian dream to a man's nightmare with just a slight change. Tomorrow morning the patch will be gone but the glasses remain for a week. Even the eye doctor joked that even though I have big brown expressive eyes, this is my week to land the big one. Of course, I won't know because currently I can only see out of one eye. We've all read the snippits that tell us the signs of non-verbal flirting when on a date but what about the day to day flirting that goes on. Is it flirting when someone is playing shy? What about the purse holder at a club who you end up talking to and is happy that someone is paying attention to her...is that flirting? What do you think...are the following quotes true?

"When a flirt fishes for a man, she fishes merely for the sport." - Unknown

Women flirt to keep their stock high, men to get somewhere. ~Mignon McLaughlin

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay...you asked and I promised I'd write...

2009-04-17T12:50:00.004-05:00

Emotional Unavailability/Abandonment Recovery
"Duh...he/she was married, living with someone, in a relationship, etc.
Did you really think he/she was going to give it all to only you?" The answer, "Sure, he/she said I was made for him...hand made! He didn't want to get involved but couldn't resist. He was too into me to not go through with it. I don't know what happened and he/she won't talk about it. He/she explodes when I ask. " Don't you just love the 20/20 idea and the outsiders who've never walked in your shoes and who pretend they never made this mistake? I think of commercials when I think of outsiders in this. I think of the propaganda used to target our weak spots. We all have them even if different and eventually the bait is taken to some degree. We want to be trusting souls. First of all, forgive yourself for being human and falling for an emotionally unavailable person. Second, forgive the outsiders who can't understand. But, maybe keep a distance for a little - no one needs a support system that supports by knocking you - your efforts down or is asking you to feel for them being your friend. (some emotionally unavailable people have this trait) Third, start examining why you fell. If you need help to do this - get it. When people talk about this subject in this forum, it's the obvious set-ups. The married person, the long distance relationship, any 'holic' type person and so on. We are all going to win out in it...right? However, there really are true emotional and mental behaviors that factor into and underlie these issues that have much to do with the surface circumstance. I'm not a licensed counselor so I'm not going to get into what I know about this issue. There are great simple books out there to help as well as professionals trained in this and cognitive therapy. (I'll update book list on the side soon). There are also books on abandonment recovery. This loss can be yours or your partners from childhood, adolescence, and/or adulthood. Studies have shown that children on up who grew up with fear or shame of a parent, spouse and such who had an addiction, committed suicide, some form of abuse; have a higher rate of fear of abandonment issues. This can play out in a cycle of connecting/withdrawing and certainly in other ways. A simple get over it and you don't have to be that way attitude is no match for the chemical responses and inner workings of the complex brain and their defense/reactive mechanisms. Are you fated to be this way and only date those like this? No! Examining the why, how, when, who...all a start to a new beginning. It just takes time and everyone wants some simple neat answer and cure. I don't tackle this much on this site because it goes much deeper than the surface of he/she was married, still in love with the ex and so on. It involves the psyche of both individuals. Ironically, I was once told that for a time I was shut off. I only included those directly effected by my circumstance. Ironic because I had to wonder why it wasn't prefaced with - understandably so.... It was at that moment that I knew the importance of seeking out those who understood and were supportive. The stories they tell amaze me but comfort me. I don't believe you should fault those who don't understand, for they aren't aware of it. I don't want these issues to be dwelled on in this site as I can only take them so far. To my children, I explain that many don't understand the inner workings at play, some don't want to for fear of becoming vulnerable, and others grew up at a time where showing emotion was a sign of weakness. I know this isn't the fluff piece of emotional unavailability you were looking for but really I can't even go back to that moment of fluff now that the awareness of how deep it goes and it's effects on others exists. I know you want a simple answer like the man you're in love with is just having a hard time committing and maybe that's so, but life is hard enough and it isn't your job to turn everyone else around. You can support those you love but don't have to be in a full blown unhealthy relationship to show you care.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Men...explain please

2009-04-15T09:54:00.008-05:00

Okay men here's your turn to explain or better yet, just enlighten us women on what your species is thinking. A woman gets picked up for a date and is clearly given the once over by a guy that she's dated for awhile even a year or more. Arriving together and getting out of the car...two more obvious looks of being checked out. Nothing said, just double checked more than admired. There's a few women I know who think this is ... weird. That's the word used to describe the behavior. I asked a couple of questions about this.
1. Did the man tell you that you looked great?
2. Maybe he liked how you dressed?
3. Was there a stain on your clothes?
4. Do you really care?
Just like a woman...Once brought to attention, I started to pay attention to this. For one man, I'd have to have changed my look and reveal some skin to get a deeper look but he was never obvious about it, always happy, never rude and obvious, completely complimentary. Another man, obvious and causing a little uncomfortableness, not comfortable showing skin with the way he would look. Covering men at the work place where I dress up respectfully...never really checked out in an obvious manner, haven't felt uncomfortable ever, eye to eye conversation not eye to chest or eye roving whole body. That didn't change with regards to after work activities with co-workers.
So men...what's up with it all? Why be so obvious? Apparently, not all women want to be scanned like a CT Scan. Some women prefer a covert style with a nice comment expressed. If tables were turned how much would you want to be oggled? Would you want a woman to look you up, down and over again but say nothing? (I know the answer to that one) Do you think that we are turned on to see you look at us so blatantly? All women are not created equal, so I'm sure some find this quite a turn on when so obvious, but men what's behind how you go about looking?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is it who or is it when?

2009-04-13T00:20:00.001-05:00

This is simple...I think...
Is it who you're with that will decide if you want to marry or is it when? We've talked before about timing and the comments became more about the timing than the person. What if the person never brought up marriage or an ultimatum? You continue to date indefinitely without the pressure for more. Will the when come about and this is the person there so it also becomes about the who? Or, is the who making the when happen sooner than later? Are you someone who will break up with the who at the time the when becomes important and the driving force to find a different who? What do you think...who or when and what would you do if the when became important but the who wasn't? What if the who was so important but the when wasn't quite there yet?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Who really broke up?

2009-04-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

Mind boggling at times...break ups can keep one occupied for days, months, years if you can't get unstuck, feel you have no control, or you have to play the last few months over in your head to see where you missed the signs. However, what if you orchestrated the whole ending and no one was the wiser? Watching a movie about relationships and hearing two women talk about how they both broke up with two men but realized they didn't really do the breaking up; the men did all of these things to cause them to WANT to break up. There comes a point in a failing relationship where one or both realize it isn't what he/she wants or it's becoming so frustrating that the only way to get relief is to end it. Although many may feel this way, it might take them months to actually end it. There never is a really good time to tell a person you love that you want out. Holidays seem to come in a steady stream and just when you catch a reprieve, some kind of crisis might happen in one of your lives causing you to change priorities. Many people start grieving for what they lost while still in the relationship. Sometimes a limited perspective is developed and all that can be seen isn't really the reality and the limited perspective is promoting the want to leave. What if you don't want to be the one to say goodbye? There are various reasons for wanting out but not wanting to be the one to end it. I know for me, I'd rather the other person break up with me but it doesn't always work out that way. I want the other person to tell me why it's not working for him and why it needs to be over. That way, I have that to refer to when the curtain call comes knocking. I think in some cases both parties are wanting out around the same time and maybe stop working at the relationship. Other priorities enter and one or both let the relationship slide. We learn the patterns of people and know what makes them tick and what sets off buttons. We also learn that some patterns can be broken and when they are...the partner isn't prepared and is thrown off of his/her game. You know when someone is picking a fight most of the time...when falsely accused, or demeaned by another, you can tell when it might be happening on purpose to push your buttons. Some rebels will actually stay and not take the bait in order to get the other person to break up first. Think about it, have you ever done this? It's usually at that moment that you really get an eye opening moment about the other person who is trying to rattle you. Somehow the picture becomes clear and you both want out. The vantage points of break ups bring about many different angles of what might have been but it definitely brings about the if only's. Some people stay in relationships holding out some mysterious hope because truly they believe destiny brought them together and there has to be some silver lining to all of this. Others leave believing in not wasting time with something that doesn't make them feel good, where their needs aren't being met and so on. But how many have been forced into a corner and in some reverse psychology way were made to be the one who broke up? Check out the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" that movie scene is in there.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Agree to disagree v. Talk it out

2009-04-05T22:11:00.002-05:00

Can you rise above and agree to disagree or do you talk it out with your partner until one of you wins, concedes, or actually both agree? Communication is supposed to be the catalyst in promoting a healthy relationship. However, I was reading some study and found that the ability to agree to disagree was an indicator for a marriage that stays together. It is the ability to love your partner as is. You accept that you won't always agree but have a mutual respect for their opinion. Stonewalling is not agreeing to disagree in silence so that doesn't count. At what point do you stop and realize that you are not going to agree on a certain topic so it's best to table it for another time, or not at all if it's not something important or needs to be acted on? Talking things out is a great concept and usually both involved learn a lot from each other and about each other but what if there's a fundamental difference...should you break up, leave right then, bully one to lean your way, ultimatum or just agree to disagree? Some people are looking for that perfect match, the one who thinks just like they do, holds the same philosophy on life, and who respects them, etc. If that was so simple to find, we wouldn't have all of these dating sites. My kids are twins and I see how much they are together, rely on each other, but there are some interesting personality differences between the two. When I listen to them talk; sometimes they sound like an old married couple. They are tolerating each other for the moment and the next each others best friend. Twins tend to not have the same personal space issues as others but I look at my kids and think if I had someone that was that connected to me, same grade, same friends, same house, and more...I'd need a hiding place for awhile. One of the kids will rat out the other but not vice versa. However, there's an understanding that it's for the greater good. There's some teasing for a day and it's over. The teasing is actually light hearted and loving in a way, basically saying I agree to disagree with how you went about this. Why do some couples have a hard time with accepting the choices their partner makes? What happens when the problem needing to be solved involves life long decisions - will you agree to disagree and how does that pertain to relationships, prenups, weddings, spending money, tackling family problems, and so on?

Letting you roam today...

2009-03-31T04:51:00.000-05:00

You decide where this goes today:

Some thoughts along the way... The phrase "I need to let you know I'm unhappy." Have you heard it, said it, what happened next...

Do I dare bring up who have you wanted to ultimatum and why?

What bugs you the most about your relationship?

If you had it to do all over again what point in time would you go back to in order to start and why?

Why did you allow yourself to have or be the rebound? Did you think it would last into a marriage proposal?

Feel free to roam and come up with something other than the above and share...