Lets Talk Over Latte

Are You A Tag Team?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:26:00 +0000

Tag Team...What a great term to use to describe a couple. Tag Team is often used as a metaphor to describe being as one. Some use it to mean as a couple - the two are a powerful productive pair acting as one. Well, this term was used in a comment on the previous post and a lot of questions in addition about the tag team gone astray were included. It reminded me of that same page then not in the same book feeling that I wrote about. I thought about what the tag team man said and didn't so much wonder what happened, but rather what happens when two can't be a tag team? Did the two see it all along and not care while dating or did one see it and the other focused on something else being workable? Was it all about love and not workability? Does one member of the pair feel something is missing? Problem solving reveals levels of patience, stamina, fairness, and a thought process. It can end with a greater respect or become breaking news telling you to run for the hills. Being able to work together to solve real life issues such as job dissatisfaction, insurance problems, medical concerns, kid issues and more, is very important. Trust me, you've heard it when giving advice or having a discussion with someone and with their response you're blocked, you hit a wall, or you just plain see that you and this person aren't going to resolve issues in the same manner. Maybe you didn’t hear it at all because it wasn’t said. You know it's missing - It's that part that holds the human factor. For example, it’s okay to admit you didn’t think of something. A person can’t possibly know everything so throwing it out all on your own that you’re human is so appealing. Some of the brightest men I know warm my heart when I throw something out there and you hear…”You know I never thought of it that way and I think you’re onto something.” This shows your partner values you, your thoughts and in some cases your expertise. When you don’t hear anything or you’re given a closed negative response…tag teaming is most definitely not happening. Being able to handle the process of politely bouncing ideas off one another is a great thing but being able to recognize each other strengths and show respect for it is heaven to many. I was asked how I could be on the same page in a relationship and then not. Easy…we made a great tag team but sometimes life throws a person for a loop and you find the dividing line. Sometimes the best tag team is project, goal, and put out fires oriented but if emotions get involved such as the jealousy as the person who made the comment on the previous post said; relationships may struggle. It’s hard to tag team with a person who is turning against you and the relationship for possible irrational or fear based reasons. Tag teaming is a great way to parent, handle situations that arise as a couple, travel, be productive, etc. But, just like all things…it’s not the only component to a relationship. However, it is an outstanding element for a couple to possess and experience.

©2009 Savannah Jones

The True Love Issue...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:06:00 +0000

True love...you've got to be kidding me that this is the question bringing about debate? So someone from the past still has your heart does it mean it was true love? Love is many things even a splendid thing as the lyric goes but, do we really know what makes one love more true than another? Would this be considered comparing or stating the facts? Many years ago I knew a couple who dated for ten years. The couple really did seem like marriage was around the corner and it was...just not with each other. When the news of their break up spread, the man was already off on a vacation to get away from it all. On his way he met someone in the airport and three months later - married. One month before his wedding; his old girlfriend married a man she knew all along. Just like Brenda and Eddie from Billy Joel's song, no one thought this break up could happen so imagine the shock that not only did life go on but maybe you can move on even after true love. Maybe just maybe, you can find true love again? I'm just throwing that one example out there but I'm sure there's more. I agree that different stages of our lives brings about needs that differ from the stage before - so are we supposed to trash our partners every decade or so to fit each stage? True love to some is exactly that - someone who fits in at those times to meet those requirements. For me...I'd like to think that one person could make it through all of it with me and that to me speaks more about a love that's true. Obviously there would be other factors that keep us glued but I'm considering those are a given. Yes, it is true that I don't answer a lot about true love because to some there is one person that will be the one that got away equally considered the one true love and who am I to say that's not right for them? That's nice...however, not my belief. I refuse to believe that at my age I need to consider it a lost cause because somewhere in my past I either was or had a one true love and that's it. There are so many chapters left unwritten with blank pages waiting to be filled. And, I know this much...Whether at some point along this journey I was on the same page through every turn with someone or not...my book is yet to be finished.

©2009 Savannah Jones

What about the other woman?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:01:00 +0000

The talk amongst those inquiring minds- Tiger Woods and the possibility of an affair or two. There's so much curiosity about the alleged other women and of course Tiger's silence in the beginning only led to more speculation and time for the press to go on their search for more ladies in waiting. Sure, I stayed tuned in waiting to hear some reply, explanation, apology, just to ironically keep my faith in the human way. What I find interesting about affairs of married men and especially those of fame status is the public response and critique of the other women. Who are they? What do they do? Where did they meet? How long were they involved? This seems to be the information the public wants. My observation is that there rarely is a comment about the choices of the women to get involved with a married man. And don't forget the ratting out of the men for their own fifteen minutes of fame and fortune. Don't get me wrong, I do think it's wrong for someone to elicit an affair if it's not within the boundaries the committed couple have agreed to and I don't particularly blame the other party since he/she didn't take the vows with the spouse but what about sending the man home to his wife and having some moral code? While we all seem very interested in the sordid details, I don't believe any one of us can say what is right for the Woods family and everyone has their own idea of what they can handle. It isn't up to us to pass judgement yet we do project our own opinions. There are many women whose names have become part of household conversation due to their liaisons with famous men. There are many names added to plain folks lives as well by the same means who also can join the ranks of kiss and tell. Guess what? The act of revealing texts, emails, voicemails isn't only a game the rich and famous play; ordinary people seem to do this too. I do wonder what these men think when the women have betrayed the privacy and trust of the situation by selling their stories. This certainly could not have been about love and respect if you're spilling all of the intimate details. I can't imagine any man feels the affair was worth it when he realizes the collateral damage it has caused. Maybe you've witnessed this first hand in your own life when you've unmasked the great pretender and uncovered the lies and affair. Suddenly those sensational feelings of a new affair don't seem so exhilarating and the man begins to look too pale and weak to even look capable of having the energy to maintain an affair. Talking with my own kids, I did say that I don't understand why a public figure believes these indiscretions will go unnoticed; afterall these men are under the eye of the camera at all times. The intentions of the women when getting involved probably don't center around bringing down the public figure but what did the men think when this started? Did they really believe nothing in their life would change and these women having affairs with married men have moral compasses pointing in the right direction so mums the word?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Are you buying into it...(New Moon Spoiler Alert)

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:00:00 +0000

My daughter and I heard on the radio a review of "New Moon" by a DJ who is the mother of a teenage daughter. Not having seen the movie yet and haven't gotten into the book series either, I asked my daughter if this critique was accurate. My teenage girl explained that I don't understand, Bella has to put herself in danger in order to see Edward. I told my daughter that's not healthy and asked why she was explaining it like it would be the right thing to do? I got the old..."Mom, it's a book series and you're not understanding." Correction - I explained to my daughter I completely get it because it's all about being rescued and feeling loved by feeling protected but it's not the best way to be and feel loved. Without giving much away...the DJ mentioned that she had a fear of the message this was sending to young women about desperateness and what type of theatrics does a woman need to create to get a man to come back and be with her. Well, I saw the movie and besides validating my own personal belief that I'm hard as nails when it comes to sappy scripted words; I have to say the women were eating up the love lines. I did like the movie and could see where the DJ had her concerns. Having quite a role in shaping young teens like I do; I too have a concern that our young teens are craving this kind of drama in their own lives and hope it's taken with a grain of salt because it's just a book/movie. There was a moment in the movie when Bella's Dad tells her that she might need to learn to like a love that's good for her and I thought about all of the women who struggle with this and all of the "nice guy" men who too struggle in this area. So, all of the talk and mushy dialogue didn't have me wishing for those words to be said to me; knowing the feeling of wanting and longing for someone who is perfect for you in every way but one...all too familiar to me. The words couldn't break me because to me these are words used too often for me. However, the final scene managed to make me sit up, take notice, gasp for breath with all of the other women who did, and download the next book when I got home. You see, all of those romantic longing moments and nights that Bella spent crying all led to a proposal. It seems Edward doesn't want to live without Bella but the only way he wants her is if it's forever. Wow! got my attention and no surprise to me that it did. I thought - Now we're talking some real action with conviction and commitment behind it. Isn't that the story everyone is wanting anyway? I could go on about this movie, the different themes it represents and the impact on some that may send a message that the bar is raised by what we see in the movies.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Coachable, Trainable, Teachable?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:05:00 +0000

Relaying a story about a man to a man a comment was made that at least the man in the story was teachable. When the story was first repeated to me; I thought, "Wow, this is going to be interesting. The man is in his late forties and needs to be told how to treat a woman and needs coaching." When the woman tried this story out on one more woman who was younger she brought up the idea that the good news in this is the man is trainable. A woman more experienced in the matter due to age was eavesdropping. She brought up the fact that you can't teach an old dog new tricks and in ten years the young girl will have a better understanding of what trainable means. The thought that crossed my mind was the only one that's going to get trained will be the young woman. The story is simple...a couple working out how to be there for one another during stressful times regarding responsibilities and getting routine items accomplished turns into an argument about love and understanding. Go figure - the argument between a man and a woman got ugly about love and commitment when someone in the relationship isn't falling into place. So the story goes...the woman explains the reasons why she was counting on her partner and couldn't he see what is important to her and how he could have helped. The next week everything she needed was completed without prodding. She was so impressed she bragged to all that he learned how to please. I started to question if we were talking about a pet or a man. I also wondered will this be something he'll continue to do or was it a one time moment when all was fresh in his head and he wanted some resolve to the hard feelings. In the weeks that followed, another conversation came up about how educators can get exhausted training and teaching children how to behave, respond, and even defer an argument. To me the difference when comparing a child to an adult in this situation is the genuineness. We teach children because they don't know better and we hope that over time it becomes part of who they are and realize the rewards to the point where it becomes a genuine gesture. With adults; will there be resentment that a man isn't appreciated for who he is unless he takes on and becomes a believer in the training? Is it something that can be carried out over the life of the relationship or is it something that within months you'll be reviewing again and discussing and maybe that's okay too? But in some cases; the review and discussions are cyclical with no permanent resolution. As some couples are on the fence about separating, many lay out a turnaround timeline and even more keep that timeline to themselves. A wise man once asked me why I thought women ignore their own personal disappointment and show up in a relationship with a chisel and hammer in hand? I said that's like asking a man why he continues to date a woman that can't meet his expectations but still figures that the woman will become a psychic and anticipate his every mood and need. I thought about a couple of relationships where the women ended up trained and worked around the man. Were they happy...the relationships ended and the angry tone came out when reliving the memories of adjusting their life and personality to please the men. The debate for the day became the discussion about should you or should you not get in a relationship with someone who you think needs training and coaching? Is it better to go it alone until the right one comes around or spend endless months and possibly years trying to make a cat a dog? You know the saying... if you want a cat get a cat and if you want a dog get a dog but don't expect a cat to be a dog and vice versa.

Share your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

A bear with the right words...my favorite bear :)

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:18:00 +0000

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." By Winnie The Pooh

Many come to this site looking for hope, answers and to not feel alone. Often we turn to our friends to tell us what we really already know but need validation. Sometimes we need to talk things through or vent just to see clearly. When it comes to relationships; there are so many who aren't sure where they stand with the one they love. There are many who are breaking up, getting divorced, needing to decide if staying or leaving is the answer. Others are looking for reassurance that the one chosen person is really the one that should be chosen. Do you doubt yourself or are you afraid that others look at your choices and doubt your ability to choose? The stress at work had been mounting and we have been bonding together to remind a newlywed to get home to her husband, the new mom to get home to her baby, and the single mom to move onto her kids and life that she's rebuilding as soon as work time is over. Sometimes these are the ones that tell me that going home can be worse than being at work or no need to rush home - there's no one worth seeing at home. This isn't to say that no one is home; just in their own mind no one worthy of seeing. Sometimes we forget how strong we are and most know when the smarts have kicked in but often feel others haven't quite gotten the message. As far as bravery goes...let's just say there are many who are brave in the face of adversity and I've seen even the weakest come through strong and full of courage. For some people getting up in the morning to face the day is a sign of bravery. Relationships are a daily job and a job that not everyone is up to. I was asked the following: What happens when you don't want to go it alone by way of giving up the past to be with someone who doesn't fit the same bill of the one prior? How to deal with the possibility of choosing kindness and security over love and connection but not letting on that it's why you chose the person? What is someone supposed to do when life has thrown him experiences not shared by many but are life changing experiences - where will connection fit in?

The last couple of posts created more questions/emails than answers and all I could think of is the great words of Winnie The Pooh. It also came to mind that many are not alone in their feelings and thoughts and for some that knowledge seems to comfort. When times are tough...remember the sweet bear reminding you that you can get through it and sometimes even wiser.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Connecting...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 05:25:00 +0000

How do you connect with the one you love...do you connect with the one you love? Do you put yourself out there but get left hanging wondering what is it going to take? Since Lets Talk Over Latte got started, I've had many ask me why I think they can't connect to someone and keep it that way, why they feel connected but it doesn't last, and how to break through a past that's still connected while wanting a future with someone else? So, this one is for you to answer...lend your insight.

Let's Talk Over Latte...Literally

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:48:00 +0000

Like many others - I stop at the Starbucks close to my work and make my way in drive thru. The voice comes through the box asking me how my morning is going and when I ask in return, the voice in the box remembers my usual drink and doesn't try to tempt me with anything extra. Our daily five minute relationship started about two years ago when I received my first big gift card. I have seen some employees come and go but many are steadfast and true. This one gentleman in particular, who is a barista, greets me with a smile and this year has added a tag check to the transaction. You see, for those of you who don't know me, I have this terrible habit of having my clothing tag stick out of my shirt by my neck. I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. Each morning if it should be there, this sweet barista reminds me to tuck it in. However, last week there was a delay in processing my order which led to "connecting time". Yes, we did the tag check and then the questions flowed: Do I have kids, do I like my car, where do I work, do I like my job, who is the second drink order for, and what happened to the original tag check guy because last year my tag didn't stick up so much? I was stunned because it was true...the tag guy was no longer around to check my tag and I hadn't even thought about how this Starbucks guy picked up the job since then. The next day I had to go in because the line was too long; my drinks were started right as I was spotted and finished exactly when I reached the cashier. I was asked if I wanted to live on the wild side and try the new Via coffee but my favorite barista negatively shook his head, smiled and said, she likes to have the coffee made just the way she likes it and it would be too much to do with Via...right? This was getting a little creepy to me when he started to rattle off that I like electronics but not the feminine accessories that go with it. I like hot pink but only on certain items, he also noticed that I wear a lot of black and don't like to talk on the cell phone when in the car, used to have a boyfriend who was attentive to my tags, and color my hair about every four weeks. WOW! I've always been surprised by the details people will share with complete strangers and lack the openness in a real ongoing relationship but this was all done by observation. I was asked for confirmation and approvingly gave it. I added that I know he's kind, observant, likes to get to know others, and knows better than to hit on a woman more than 15 years older than him which actually makes him sweet. There are couples who've dated for years who still don't pick up on each other’s nuances and idiosyncrasies. Entering work just a few minutes behind my normal schedule; I was greeted at my door with a concerned co-worker. He was worried something happened since I’m like clockwork and was a little late. I shared this experience with my co-worker who informed me that in the first week of meeting him I knew more about him than his ex wife ever cared to learn in all of the years they'd been married. We all hope to find someone who just gets us and I'm not looking to the much younger barista for this but it was a good reminder that going it alone isn't always the best idea...some days you need a tag checker and someone who just gets you.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Does it make a difference?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:53:00 +0000

So you're out of high school and thinking it won't matter what circle you were in because it's all an open world now; you can mix with whomever you like and "those people" will mix with you. The dating world is out there for you to choose beyond your standard circles and no matter which side of the track you grew up on; you've created your own world and one in which you hope to find someone that meshes with it. In education the teachers are told to develop common knowledge and background between the students prior to teaching the actual lesson. I've found that the real lesson is often in the process of developing a common thread between these students and their experiences. All go to the same school, but come from different sides of the track sort of speak. Like these kids; many adults speak of cultural differences, socio - economic differences, value differences and spiritual differences when talking about disconnects in their life as well as in their dating experiences. There's a want and a will to bridge these gaps but some find it difficult to do so. Others often spend many years in love with someone; all for it to come down to differences that can't be bridged due to upbringing, value systems, and a gap in philosophy in general. At this point communication might be quite difficult since there isn't this common ground of understanding. Where do you go with this? While watching Tuesdays With Morrie with a group of young teens; Morrie's aphorism of "love always wins" comes up in the movie and these teens laughed. I stopped the movie and said," what, no believers...why?" The differences that exist began flowing from their mouths as the pure reason why love doesn't always win. One teen told of a story of how a person can be so in love with someone for whom they are and what they stand for but not who they are while with them. So what do you do when you're from one side of the track and the person who makes your heart beat a little faster is from the other but as adults you're both on the same track? Does it matter, make a difference, or does it just all work out?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The Referral Date

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:24:00 +0000

You've either been fixed up on a blind date, met by a service of some kind, or you really thought in some way going on a date with a co-worker or friend was a good idea for your future. Any which way you slice it- not connecting. There's something missing from this date; maybe a spark or two, a disconnect on interests, one of you is right/left wing or no wing but the wrong wing, and you want to leave but should you? Do you find yourself texting under the table or excusing yourself to go to the restroom to send an SOS that your friend needs to save you from this date and call soon? I know I've left a date or two quite early in the evening and should have probably left a couple more of them than I did. However, while being wined and dined does it dawn on you that while this date isn't a match made in heaven for you; your date would really be a match for your single friend? Do you offer it up or go along with the date? Letting someone down is hard to do but what if you could lessen the blow by letting the person know you think he/she has some great qualities inside but your friend might be better suited for him/her? That my friend; is the referral date. A date you go on but then refer a friend. I don't know if there's a refer a friend bonus program or a trial period where you try out the basic model and if you like it you can upgrade to the friend, but why miss out on an opportunity if you aren't attached or motivated to be? Out at a gathering of friends; someone brought along a few newbies to the group. It turned out the women were all single and looking. Where the looking took place seemed to be the most important factor since the pickings were slim to none at least when looking for a real future and not one that lasts less than 24hours. I began searching the Rolodex in my head of possible people that would be a match for these women when one of the girls said she didn't want anyone I had a relationship with. I assured her that I was thinking of the men that I met but weren't for me but somehow we stayed in touch. How great it would be to make two people happy by introducing them? One woman's reaction was less than enthused and another was open. By now we all know not everyone is going to hit it off or even have lasting common ground so if you can in good faith refer a friend for all of the right reasons wouldn't that be better than knowing it but leaving it a secret? I know it sounds like someone is passing around the Thanksgiving turkey and the good pieces seem to be gone by the time it gets to you. So, what if the plate could cross the table instead of going round and round; your chances of finding the right one just opened up sooner than waiting for the plate to come to you...right?

What’s your view of referral dates if in the position to recommend?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay people get it out in the open...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:17:00 +0000

So there you are typing away on your laptop trying to find the words to say you're not happy but is it you or is it the other person? You type and type and think about your life...is this a priority right now to deal with or is there something greater in your life that makes this issue less of an issue to you? Maybe you're typing away trying to find the right words to say I miss you and I want you back. How many times do you repeat yourself and realize this is getting boring and not expressing what you are trying to really convey? You read it again and ask yourself if you'd take you back if you received this. What about that time you wanted to email all of your good and bad thoughts but when you reread what you typed and thought of the audience you saw that it was a moot point, so you saved it in draft for another day only to hit delete? Let's not talk about the accidental send button problem...that's been universal and not essential to the meaning of this.

We all do it; sit down to type out what we want to say and then hopefully save it first and come back to it at a calmer time. What if that time isn't coming anytime soon what should you do? I've always suggested sending a memo like email saying that you have something you want to talk about and you will within a certain (give the amount) of days. Silence is golden to those who haven't figured out how to use their words and to those who have heard it all already but not always golden to the person who doesn't know why he/she hasn't heard from you. However, we still type away, delete, cut, copy and paste to make it all sound right. I teach that if you give someone a pen and a thesaurus you've given them a mighty weapon when used together. Of course the kids I teach this to believe me when I start talking with the "big" words and they have no idea what I said but know it was important and then take notice. So what's the big deal; why so hard to just put it out there and say what you're thinking? I have such a respect for a person who let's you know what he/she is thinking and doesn't bottle it up. It says I care about you and want to share this with you even if it isn't the most perfect presentation. I also admire those who know that you need to really know and understand who is speaking to really know what is being said. Interpretation can be a key component in acceptance or detachment.

I haven't sent off any emails of great importance lately and don't plan to but I observe so many twist meanings of other peoples words in order to validate a feeling about a person or a hunch. It's hard to convey the right feelings in emails and letters sometimes but so easy for some to hide behind.

Feel free to share your doosies...

©2009 Savannah Jones

What to do about the past...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:26:00 +0000

You know the kind - many have them or are them...the old boyfriends and girlfriends that find their way onto our current love's Facebook account, is stalking your love by way of Twitter, communicating through every portal available with the one you currently love and sometimes preoccupying their minds and possibly pulling at old heart strings - What are you going to do? Do you really need to do anything at all? Remember, your partner has allowed such voyeurism and has participated in it; so is there a problem or is this just life? The magazine articles tell us beware of the ex that doesn't seem like an ex but is communicating and touching base in person every now and then a relationship crime? How would you feel if you were in love with someone who could cut it off with someone and not look back?

Weigh in on the subject and share your views...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Love the package not fond of the inside...food/men

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 02:28:00 +0000

Okay, I'll admit it...I like a nice, simple, clean look. It says fresh and appeals to my need for simplicity. I also don't like a lot of unnecessary add ons or long waiting periods. Certainly, I like a bargain but don't wish to jeopardize quality for it. I'm talking about what I learned about dating while taste testing cookies. Ready to bake chocolate chip cookies are a staple in my home just as equal to bread, milk and eggs. My recent visit to the grocery store was to be short and swift until I stopped to pick up the cookies. I came across Pillsbury's Simply cookie. The package was the most appealing one I've seen in a long time. Clean, simple, and fresh looking. I read that it was supposedly more healthy than the regular cookie which I realize is an oxymoron as if a cookie can be healthy. Couldn't wait to open it and try it out however, it isn't part of my diet so I left it up to the taste expert- my daughter. Some people like a more sweet cookie but we aren't that family. I was so excited about this package that I didn't even notice that I paid more for it in comparison to the others. It had to be good...right? It was in a great enticing wrapper. I did try a little morsel and agreed it was too sweet for my taste and that's when I started thinking about dating. Too sweet...a problem huh? Is this how it goes- you like the whole look, you open it up and it's sweet but that's it. It offers nothing else? There's no intense flavor or variety? I can't taste any spice or kick to it just plain old sweet. I passed by the cookies before going to bed and thought it just had to have some kind of edge to it but I tried the crunchier part and still too sweet for my taste. On the way to work the next day, I began laughing at the metaphor and relationship aspect of "nice guys". I know there's not a nice guy out there whose going to think this is funny but to me, I found it enlightening that even when it comes to the packaging of a cookie, I can be drawn in but if it's very sweet...in some ways I can be turned off. Can someone be like a cookie and be too sweet that you have to pass on it? I'm sure I've had my bad boy days and it's probably the reason I like simple, clean and fresh looking not only in cookie packaging but pertaining to men. Before you go ripping this up and getting upset if you're a nice guy...ask yourself this: Can a woman be too sweet that she's a turn off; her kindness can become a problem or overbearing to you and in some cases you have to pass just because there isn't any spice or variety?

I'm just thinking...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Open...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:09:00 +0000

Your forum to ask and be answered by me and other readers. So many of you have questions that don't necessarily fit the topic at hand. Your comment/question gets posted on whichever page the search sent you. Sometimes you're wanting varied opinions but many who visit regularly only keep up with the most current post. Knock yourself out and ask away...It's open for a few days.

*This site is also available with RSS feed.

Savannah Jones

I will follow you...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 03:57:00 +0000

Are you in a relationship where your partner has repeatedly said, " Whatever you want, I'm just along for the ride"? Some people are passive aggressive but others really do mean that they just will follow you and tag along while you do the decision making, planning, and see whatever it is you want to see. I know a lack of mind reading capabilities is a big complaint in relationships...many wish that they didn't have to communicate their needs but have their needs met by some form of ESP. We accept when it doesn't happen but what if it isn't happening because the man/woman is really just in it so you can give them something to do, some form of existence, some way of having a life without taking charge and responsibility of where it's going? The question, "What is a take charge person" came up in previous comments. I used to think that most people are take charge people. The workplace is a perfect atmosphere to find out that isn't so. In personal relationships there are those who want someone who is just along for the ride because they want their life to be the one that doesn't change and is and will remain in the forefront. However, these people may appear to be passive and accommodating by saying, "Whatever you want, I'll do" and possibly mean it. Or, they might be passive aggressive and upset that you know them so well, but didn't choose something that represents their internal wishes. This person might even go so far as to make it a miserable moment to punish you for not quite getting it. So what is it then about a "Take Charge" person that women were looking for, did these women want to be along for the ride or did they want a man who helped make decisions and share the load? While I can't answer for those who want a take charge guy without explanation, I will say that I think sharing the load in decision making, vacation planning, entertainment activities, and everyday life events and problems is important. I was asked to evaluate why I thought a woman didn't want a man who was so accommodating that it drove her crazy. I know you're thinking this has nice guy syndrome written all over it, and maybe it is a fraction of that problem; although from my vantage point what I saw was someone who never shared control of the reigns so the relationship was beginning to feel like a chore for one. A woman asked me, "Can you make someone be a take charge person?" I don't have all of the answers and I know this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that by communicating your needs and wants you give a person the chance to change or improve. There's also a part of me that as much as I know that's a start, there's women who need the take charge personality to be a part of who the man is because having to communicate all of this still ultimately keeps the woman in charge and initiator of discussions and more.

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the devil you know really better than the devil you don't know?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:21:00 +0000

Does there even need to be a "devil" in this equation at all? Lunching with friends, we were given a test of sorts. We were told to look at some pictures of our friend with two different men and our objective was to decide from these pictures the one that would love her the most. Both men had offered her a marriage proposal and she couldn't decide. It sounded like a deal was being made but she cared for both men and didn't know what to do. She also knew that once she made a decision, one of the men could no longer be in her life. I did what I do best...I made a list. Obviously there were the pros and cons but also what would be the best fit for her. Judging from the pictures and the list of compatibility, we made a decision. From the beginning of this process which I had realized I needed to take more seriously, I had tried to look into the eyes of the man that was in the discard column. I couldn't get a great view of him because his eyes were focused on some woman off to the side. It bothered me that he was with my friend but the eyes were somewhere else. I kept in mind that this literally is just a snapshot in time and not the rest of her life. I wasn't thrilled with the options presented and excitedly asked if there were any other pictures of any men asking her to marry in that big purse of hers. You could tell it seemed like a preposterous idea that one would be given two choices and think outside of the box for other options or suitors. My point was why did it have to be either one of these men just because they were asking? If she was madly in love or felt there was a true long future with either, we wouldn't be choosing this, we'd be congratulating her and only knowing of one of the men. Finally, in some quiet moment that idea was brought up and discussed. She didn't marry either man and life went on. The question of what else is out there kept coming up and seemed to be the catalyst for this picture matching game. I felt like it was the Richard Simmons "Deal A Meal" program where we ran out of cards and therefore were done choosing for the day. Many times I'm asked if I look at my life now and see why some people who were in my life would not have been a good idea for the future...certainly I do. Even though others will remind me that there are those in my life still available, I often remind them that I might not have met the love of my life yet and the best is yet to come - why does it have to be that people fish in the so called "devils" they know pond and what makes them better than the "devils" they don't know? (just playing devils advocate)

Debate away...

Deals/Ultimatums

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:57:00 +0000

Do you want to make a deal? Not every ultimatum in relationships has to do with marriage proposals and often some don't even have to do with the relationship at all. It's often a control issue and sometimes a self fulfilling prophecy or just a need for movement. By the time someone gets so emotional or fed up that they no longer feel in control the ultimatum becomes part of the process. I often wonder if the saying," be careful what you wish for" ever enters the mind during this time or is it all about getting what you think you really want? In a work environment that's difficult and people are no longer thriving at their job, I've watched ultimatum's come into play. I've listened to people not only willing to jeopardize their jobs but often consider making deals with people who are in positions to offer a hand but not necessarily the kind of hand you'd want to hold onto. In stressful times, one might even walk away from the very hand that feeds them while requesting very little and sell their soul to someone whose a wolf in sheep's clothing. So why when the path becomes unclear, uncertain and the future is cloudy, do we make deals and accept the ultimatum with those who we know in better days, we would have walked away from long ago? To some it's a sense of survival and a feeling that by actively choosing this, they have some control over it's outcome or will in time but in the current situation have none. In a marriage type ultimatum or business/relationship ultimatum the person dangling the line might be doing so just to see if the bait will be taken and then walk away anyway. It's not always to prove a point but often it's to validate what might have already been known and understood. When there's movement, options open and possibilities emerge. In some way this ultimatum and it's answer is a gift. Maybe you've heard the story before...someone wants something so bad but was told not now and then continues to push...when he/she finally gets their way, it becomes clear that this wasn't how it was supposed to go and possibly isn't right in the first place. You may look back and wonder if you should've, could've, would've...but you didn't, won't, and can't now. I have often thought about those that lost but truly won and those that thought they won in the ultimatum but truly lost.
This is for those struggling to make choices, thinking the grass would be greener, and wanting to stop working for the devil only to possibly trade him in for a different kind of evil. Ultimatums aren't usually my way of doing things but I understand why many use them. Sometimes I just express the options in a discussion and let the other person know that I'm thinking things over and assessing the situation. Discussions usually open up from there whether it be in business or in relationships.

Share your stories and ask away...

©2009 Savannah Jones

A couple of email questions and I'll let others try their hand...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:33:00 +0000

Question One:
When do I tell my boyfriend it's me or the ex girlfriend? No one has ever won at this with him except the ex girlfriend when she told him to stay away from some woman. Any woman who has told him to stop being friends with her has lost him.

Question Two:
I lose respect for my boyfriend when he doesn't take charge of situations. He doesn't take charge of problems or concerns with his ex. He doesn't take charge of our relationship. He also doesn't take charge with much. What can I do about this? I'm used to men taking charge and I like it.

Question Three:
I ultimatum my boyfriend and lost but won. He decided he'd marry me but wasn't happy about it. I am hoping you'll post this and some guy can tell me why he didn't break up with me all along if he knew I wanted to marry him but he didn't want to marry me?

Question Four:
My boyfriend and I broke up some time ago and I haven't found anyone that I love or even really could like like I did him. He's been dating and wanting to marry but he hasn't found anyone he said. Is it weird that I want to get back with him but I never slept with any of my dates since him and I'm sure he probably slept with a couple of the women he dated. I think women don't break that up easily and then I'll deal with the hidden "friends" that used to be dates. He won't have anyone to worry about because there wasn't anyone that got that close. Has anyone done this and what do you do to get through it and why do these other women stick around anyway? A man's point of view of this situation would be helpful.

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:37:00 +0000

So the question of marriage came up...no not a proposal but just the question of marriage. Actually, it was a whole lot of questions about the institution, do I believe I'll marry again, the age gap, what I'd be willing to settle for, how to talk things out in a heated moment of stress, and what are my expectations? I looked at the seeker of truth and replied, "Have you ever felt that one day it's just going to happen when you least expect it and somehow the timing will be right and it will work because we'll make it work?" The inquisitive person looked stunned and asked me if I really believe this and well...there are those times when I just do. The more I read the comments on my site; especially the ones about understanding each other, respecting each other and being there for one another regardless of differences, I have hope. But really I also have this sense that the time will come and when it's right it will be right. I've looked for love online, through fix ups, and an occasional run in that turned into more than a date. I have been in love, lost at love, and had to let love go at what has so far been the hardest time in my life. If there's two things I've learned; there's more to this than making yourself available and more to it than love. But, it's that love that makes you want to work at it. The age gap - which we've covered on here before was asked a bit differently...It was more about having a lifetime of things in common with someone older but knowing that statistically you possibly will have only 20 good years at the most together and be alone again. Twenty to me is a long time...hell, I'd be happy for ten real good years if it's going to be the love of a lifetime. The wisdom hunter had another question for me regarding stress and what's the best time to talk with me about relationship issues? The curious one found that rollerblading made it easy to talk out the issues. I find that a nice brisk walk is always good for relieving the stress and talking about the issues at hand even if it's freezing cold, the conversation can warm things up a bit. Looking back at the conversation, I always smile because it was refreshing to talk with someone who could be so openly honest about their worries for the future, thoughts about life, thoughts on who they are, cared to hear the real thoughts I have, and could talk without walls. All in good time I thought :)

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do you want to be the one still standing?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 02:02:00 +0000

Should you be proud you can outlast the rest? People in relationships often have to learn the boat will rock and knowing how to weather the storms is a survival skill. But what does this really mean? So you have the ability to stick it out with a man or woman who says that being exclusive right now isn't on the menu and even though you would like a monogamous relationship; the one you love would like to explore options. Therefore, you sit by and hope that by showing your strength and belief in the relationship - you'll come out the winner. He'll choose you and life will be grand...right? When I hear a woman shouting from the roof top that the guy she's been wanting a commitment from finally commits after saying he needed space and used it to date others, I think to myself, " Woo hoo, you won the guy who couldn't commit, didn't think you were worth the time, and after no one was left standing you looked the best. Hope that works out for you." I'm not saying it's all supposed to go so smoothly and seamlessly but there's ups and downs and then there's being taken for granted for a long long time. I've watched some people feel guilty when the relationship ends. They feel guilty that the communication wasn't clear even though it really was, there's guilt for not having the energy to wait out the problems, and guilt for leaving and putting their own needs first, then feel even worse that they chose to leave someone they really deeply love to do this. But who is the winner here? Is it the person who stays or the person who goes? Are you a better person for sticking this out or a better person for knowing when to leave? Sometimes people get so focused on the goal that they can't see the problems that lie within. Some spend so much time with the wrong person hoping to win but win what? Does it really mean more when you've whined, complained, nagged and eventually ultimatum to get what you want? If you have to do all of that is this really the person you want? The fixation on the wrong person impedes the effort of ever finding the right person. In fact, when having tunnel vision, one often can't see when the right person walks by.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the answer all wrapped up in the check?

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 23:07:00 +0000

The meet and greet...so you're on your first date or your first meeting and it's taking place over a meal out or drinks. The bill comes and for some the answer to their future with this person all comes down to the check. A long time ago who pays was discussed but the replies became about taking advantage of someone with money and being treated to a night out rather than really stating how some people have a way of using this moment as a defining one with regards to future dates. Are men looking for some sign that they have some room to ask a woman out again or not? Are women careful to offer or not offer to pay to make sure the man catches on quickly to the message? Dating isn't new to me but this concept has baffled me that there's this much of a guessing game all at the end of the meeting regardless of what led up to it and all of the nuances during it. I know I'm going to get a lot of grief for making this statement but in my early dating years it was proper for the man to take out the woman and if a woman asked to split or take care of it, it was an insult to the man's ego and ability to provide. Recently I was asked to decide if the offer from a woman on a first date to split the check should be taken as a sign of rejection. I said no I would think for a first meeting she was being thoughtful and if she's the one who initiated the date maybe she's feeling somewhat responsible for it. Well...the what rock have you been hiding under look was shot at me by more than one younger person. I was bombarded with statements such as: " She didn't like him so she offered and that should tell him not to ask her out again." "She doesn't think he can afford her so she's dropping hints now." " She probably wanted to go home and not feel bad that he paid for her meal but she's going to reject him anyway." Oh my, I thought, what happened to just being nice and offering. I threw out this thought - What if you accept her money, what does that mean? Apparently it can mean anything ranging from, "I'm so glad that I didn't get taken for the whole horrible time." " I thought it was going well, guess I was wrong." and "I'm glad we feel the same and I won't have to let her down easy." Finally, someone my age showed up and said, he'd turn down the offer either way and pay because that's what a man should do. Dating has changed as far as finding dates online but has it all really changed? Are we sending signals through our wallets? What if a woman doesn't want to see the man again but let's him pick up the check, does that have a meaning or signal to it? I've seen more men take pride in being able to treat a woman to a night out than when they take a woman's money but I get the feeling that's just me...

What do you think? Is the answer to how your date is going all wrapped up in who pays in the end?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Question...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:05:00 +0000

What makes you decide to take a break from dating? There was a time when I promised myself I'd go out at least once with someone I was fixed up with, found online, or was straight out asked directly. I drove myself into a tailspin. I did this so I could get on with my life, get over a relationship, get back into the dating world, and get a man that was right for me in my life. Sounded like a good plan but in reality it didn't fit me. I had to take a break and of course that's when I met someone I wanted to date. Life has that special ironic twist to it and I went with it. However, some really do decide to take a break from dating anyone. Maybe life is stressful, maybe they need to find themselves, it could be that a broken heart needs time to heal, etc.

So what makes you take a break from dating and what do you do with that time?

Dealing with the ex's new life and partners...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 19:06:00 +0000

You have an issue with your ex regarding the kids and how to schedule day care, after school care, rules, privileges, boundaries, respect and more. You hang up the phone and share your frustrations about your ex with your partner. He/she has great ideas or just listens and will let you vent. How much involvement does your partner have in the real daily life issues with your kids and your ex? How much do you think they should have? Knowing that your ex might hang up the phone and talk behind your back to a person who has stepped into the role you no longer share directly with your ex might change how you deal with your ex. Maybe you take on more than you should in order to curb bad mouthing situations. You might try and place your ex in a position to push his/her buttons so the new partner can see your ex at their worst. You also might decide to do what's best for your children overall as usual, but is involving the new partner also a good idea? The easy answer - whatever the two families decide is best is what's best. I believe that part to be true but I also see a different side. Have you ever wondered who is spending time with your kids when you aren't there? You wonder about your kids friends and who they have as teachers. You want to make sure that everyone who has some length of time with your kids is a good influence so why not get to know the other half? Some figure that this person won't have a say in your kids upbringing but do you really know how your ex has reached their decisions? Maybe the decisions are made with the influence of this other person. How does your ex spend time with the kids when their partner is present? Is time really being spent blending? Is the relationship your ex is having a positive example of two people in love as well as a positive example of conflict resolution between two people. Relationships are hard enough to build sometimes and then you have to factor in the extras and how their families run and then somehow blend it all or figure out where you'll fit in. My experiences in this area have been positive ones when I was the person the ex was partnering with but there's no doubt you have to walk a fine line between the kids, the ex, and your partner since outsiders see things differently; not necessarily fairly but differently. I've seen exes who take on more of the time with the children in order to allow their ex to explore the new beginnings of a relationship. Once the relationship is established, I've seen those same people go back to the normal way of life in order to show the new partner what life is really like with the kids. Where they used to take on extra weekends and days, they pull back and say your responsibility is what it is and you will do it with new partner or not. What if the new partner has kids that are grown or never had kids? This partner might be finished being a part of the outside kid activities or not used to fitting it into their weekend schedule and wants that single life time sans kids. How do you handle this? I've been lucky, I haven't had too much trouble with this. I've dated men with kids and men without. I didn't expect the men to show up to my kids activities. One did and one didn't. It didn't matter but I noticed that efforts were made with my kids by both in different ways. Showing respect to the new guy/gal is great but keep in mind this person is a part of your kids life if he/she is around even if it's only for your ex the person is still around your kids and it should probably be a factor that isn't overlooked or underestimated.

How do you handle this delicate situation? Are you happy with the results of your efforts or is there a lack of effort on purpose?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay...could you do it...

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:46:00 +0000

Topic of discussion... The question from the post before...Could you have a "fling" with a younger man and I'm talking 15 to 20 years younger? Men, I know it's more in style for you to do this but I have some questions about it. The first thing a few of us older women talked about was how aware of our bodies we'd become. How we'd have to be in great shape to even consider this. I mentioned that I wouldn't feel right because in some sense I could be a younger man's mom and that just became a disgusting thought in my head. But then our attention turned to the young men who said that they find us attractive and don't see our bodies the way we do. Thank god but really I don't buy it...the guy would need blinders or has really poor vision. Or quiet possibly doesn't know I'm being held together by plastic surgery and shapewear. I know I look somewhat younger than my age when I cover the gray and see my Botox buddy so I have been looked at before and asked out by younger men. When I tell them my age there's this look like they just came out of a horror movie so I have a hard time seeing that these men really do want these older women. I don't have a pot full of gold so there's no rainbow to anything waiting for them. Ahh but men, let's see...how come these older men don't worry what their bodies look like to these young women? Sometimes the more gray hair the more attracted these women become. I have never had the experience of being one of these much younger women so I don't know the little intricacies of dating an older man. If he's successful, I can understand the power turn on. If he's got time to spare, I can understand having someone who is available to be with you and travel. If he's got money, I can see some women finding that a plus and a turn on as well. Is it enough to get you beyond the aging process? Can someone love you so much that you can look past the decline in the body as it ages and see it all as a process but not a barricade to love? Can you really stay interested and involved in one another when the age difference is so great and we want different things at different ages? I work with a handsome young man who misjudged my age. I noticed that he was talking to me about many things I'm interested in. His age isn't a hindrance to what he knows and explores in his free time. He said he has never connected to someone his own age. Once he learned of my chronological age, he took a step back and I said, " So you do have a stopping point?" We laughed and he said the step back was out of surprise not disgust...he has to say this, he works with me.

What's your viewpoint on this? Have you ever considered this type of relationship or are currently in one? Please share what you think...

" You never know when someone is falling in love with your smile" Quote

noreply@blogger.com (Savannah Jones) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:03:00 +0000

A Charming personality can make a lot of superficial connections. Are you a person who just connects easily? Maybe you are one of those people who makes instant friends and maybe you are just a personable person? Is it possible that you learned to overcome shyness by stepping out of your comfort zone and learned to be outgoing and outward with others because it was economically a wise decision? Do you know when someone is falling in love with your smile and you don't want them to but you are just connecting and are satisfied with that outcome? Oh what to do when you find out you are talking with someone and you are a smiley kind of person and the person across from you is falling in love or reading that smile as a love connection. A couple of people have told me that it seems that those in their presence are getting the wrong vibes and it seems to stem from their smiley personality. Do we live in a world where the norm is to not be friendly that when someone takes a little time out or shows an interest in one's life, it's flirting and showing an interest? So I was asked what should a woman do when a guy asks her out based on this friendly meeting that was really just two people having lunch together? I asked a man that I spend a lot of time with and smile all of the time to because he is so helpful to me at all times. He was shaking his head not enjoying the pressure of having to find an answer...he told me that if I wasn't twenty years older, he'd question my smiley interactions with him and he knows I'm not the cougar type but he said that he had the advantage of watching me around others and saw I was the same with everyone regardless of gender. However, he did say that when asking a woman if you can call her is accepted with a smile it makes a man think she's into him. He does look for the smiles and the eyes lighting up. Can we be fooled by charming personalities? Are those the bad guys that nice guys are losing out to? Can a woman be a seducer of sorts with her smile but really is a tease and you're left wondering what went wrong? I'm asking these questions because of course I look for smiling people, I like charming personalities, but I also know women who have had to let down some very nice men who aren't aware that in some cases a smile is just a smile.
What do you all think about this? Do you fall for it...have you read it all wrong and what did you do after that awkward awakening?