Lets Talk Over Latte

A bear with the right words...my favorite bear :)

2009-11-04T19:18:00.006-06:00

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." By Winnie The Pooh

Many come to this site looking for hope, answers and to not feel alone. Often we turn to our friends to tell us what we really already know but need validation. Sometimes we need to talk things through or vent just to see clearly. When it comes to relationships; there are so many who aren't sure where they stand with the one they love. There are many who are breaking up, getting divorced, needing to decide if staying or leaving is the answer. Others are looking for reassurance that the one chosen person is really the one that should be chosen. Do you doubt yourself or are you afraid that others look at your choices and doubt your ability to choose? The stress at work had been mounting and we have been bonding together to remind a newlywed to get home to her husband, the new mom to get home to her baby, and the single mom to move onto her kids and life that she's rebuilding as soon as work time is over. Sometimes these are the ones that tell me that going home can be worse than being at work or no need to rush home - there's no one worth seeing at home. This isn't to say that no one is home; just in their own mind no one worthy of seeing. Sometimes we forget how strong we are and most know when the smarts have kicked in but often feel others haven't quite gotten the message. As far as bravery goes...let's just say there are many who are brave in the face of adversity and I've seen even the weakest come through strong and full of courage. For some people getting up in the morning to face the day is a sign of bravery. Relationships are a daily job and a job that not everyone is up to. I was asked the following: What happens when you don't want to go it alone by way of giving up the past to be with someone who doesn't fit the same bill of the one prior? How to deal with the possibility of choosing kindness and security over love and connection but not letting on that it's why you chose the person? What is someone supposed to do when life has thrown him experiences not shared by many but are life changing experiences - where will connection fit in?

The last couple of posts created more questions/emails than answers and all I could think of is the great words of Winnie The Pooh. It also came to mind that many are not alone in their feelings and thoughts and for some that knowledge seems to comfort. When times are tough...remember the sweet bear reminding you that you can get through it and sometimes even wiser.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Connecting...

2009-11-01T23:25:00.003-06:00

How do you connect with the one you love...do you connect with the one you love? Do you put yourself out there but get left hanging wondering what is it going to take? Since Lets Talk Over Latte got started, I've had many ask me why I think they can't connect to someone and keep it that way, why they feel connected but it doesn't last, and how to break through a past that's still connected while wanting a future with someone else? So, this one is for you to answer...lend your insight.

Let's Talk Over Latte...Literally

2009-10-27T14:48:00.009-05:00

Like many others - I stop at the Starbucks close to my work and make my way in drive thru. The voice comes through the box asking me how my morning is going and when I ask in return, the voice in the box remembers my usual drink and doesn't try to tempt me with anything extra. Our daily five minute relationship started about two years ago when I received my first big gift card. I have seen some employees come and go but many are steadfast and true. This one gentleman in particular, who is a barista, greets me with a smile and this year has added a tag check to the transaction. You see, for those of you who don't know me, I have this terrible habit of having my clothing tag stick out of my shirt by my neck. I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. Each morning if it should be there, this sweet barista reminds me to tuck it in. However, last week there was a delay in processing my order which led to "connecting time". Yes, we did the tag check and then the questions flowed: Do I have kids, do I like my car, where do I work, do I like my job, who is the second drink order for, and what happened to the original tag check guy because last year my tag didn't stick up so much? I was stunned because it was true...the tag guy was no longer around to check my tag and I hadn't even thought about how this Starbucks guy picked up the job since then. The next day I had to go in because the line was too long; my drinks were started right as I was spotted and finished exactly when I reached the cashier. I was asked if I wanted to live on the wild side and try the new Via coffee but my favorite barista negatively shook his head, smiled and said, she likes to have the coffee made just the way she likes it and it would be too much to do with Via...right? This was getting a little creepy to me when he started to rattle off that I like electronics but not the feminine accessories that go with it. I like hot pink but only on certain items, he also noticed that I wear a lot of black and don't like to talk on the cell phone when in the car, used to have a boyfriend who was attentive to my tags, and color my hair about every four weeks. WOW! I've always been surprised by the details people will share with complete strangers and lack the openness in a real ongoing relationship but this was all done by observation. I was asked for confirmation and approvingly gave it. I added that I know he's kind, observant, likes to get to know others, and knows better than to hit on a woman more than 15 years older than him which actually makes him sweet. There are couples who've dated for years who still don't pick up on each other’s nuances and idiosyncrasies. Entering work just a few minutes behind my normal schedule; I was greeted at my door with a concerned co-worker. He was worried something happened since I’m like clockwork and was a little late. I shared this experience with my co-worker who informed me that in the first week of meeting him I knew more about him than his ex wife ever cared to learn in all of the years they'd been married. We all hope to find someone who just gets us and I'm not looking to the much younger barista for this but it was a good reminder that going it alone isn't always the best idea...some days you need a tag checker and someone who just gets you.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Does it make a difference?

2009-10-22T12:53:00.006-05:00

So you're out of high school and thinking it won't matter what circle you were in because it's all an open world now; you can mix with whomever you like and "those people" will mix with you. The dating world is out there for you to choose beyond your standard circles and no matter which side of the track you grew up on; you've created your own world and one in which you hope to find someone that meshes with it. In education the teachers are told to develop common knowledge and background between the students prior to teaching the actual lesson. I've found that the real lesson is often in the process of developing a common thread between these students and their experiences. All go to the same school, but come from different sides of the track sort of speak. Like these kids; many adults speak of cultural differences, socio - economic differences, value differences and spiritual differences when talking about disconnects in their life as well as in their dating experiences. There's a want and a will to bridge these gaps but some find it difficult to do so. Others often spend many years in love with someone; all for it to come down to differences that can't be bridged due to upbringing, value systems, and a gap in philosophy in general. At this point communication might be quite difficult since there isn't this common ground of understanding. Where do you go with this? While watching Tuesdays With Morrie with a group of young teens; Morrie's aphorism of "love always wins" comes up in the movie and these teens laughed. I stopped the movie and said," what, no believers...why?" The differences that exist began flowing from their mouths as the pure reason why love doesn't always win. One teen told of a story of how a person can be so in love with someone for whom they are and what they stand for but not who they are while with them. So what do you do when you're from one side of the track and the person who makes your heart beat a little faster is from the other but as adults you're both on the same track? Does it matter, make a difference, or does it just all work out?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The Referral Date

2009-10-19T23:24:00.002-05:00

You've either been fixed up on a blind date, met by a service of some kind, or you really thought in some way going on a date with a co-worker or friend was a good idea for your future. Any which way you slice it- not connecting. There's something missing from this date; maybe a spark or two, a disconnect on interests, one of you is right/left wing or no wing but the wrong wing, and you want to leave but should you? Do you find yourself texting under the table or excusing yourself to go to the restroom to send an SOS that your friend needs to save you from this date and call soon? I know I've left a date or two quite early in the evening and should have probably left a couple more of them than I did. However, while being wined and dined does it dawn on you that while this date isn't a match made in heaven for you; your date would really be a match for your single friend? Do you offer it up or go along with the date? Letting someone down is hard to do but what if you could lessen the blow by letting the person know you think he/she has some great qualities inside but your friend might be better suited for him/her? That my friend; is the referral date. A date you go on but then refer a friend. I don't know if there's a refer a friend bonus program or a trial period where you try out the basic model and if you like it you can upgrade to the friend, but why miss out on an opportunity if you aren't attached or motivated to be? Out at a gathering of friends; someone brought along a few newbies to the group. It turned out the women were all single and looking. Where the looking took place seemed to be the most important factor since the pickings were slim to none at least when looking for a real future and not one that lasts less than 24hours. I began searching the Rolodex in my head of possible people that would be a match for these women when one of the girls said she didn't want anyone I had a relationship with. I assured her that I was thinking of the men that I met but weren't for me but somehow we stayed in touch. How great it would be to make two people happy by introducing them? One woman's reaction was less than enthused and another was open. By now we all know not everyone is going to hit it off or even have lasting common ground so if you can in good faith refer a friend for all of the right reasons wouldn't that be better than knowing it but leaving it a secret? I know it sounds like someone is passing around the Thanksgiving turkey and the good pieces seem to be gone by the time it gets to you. So, what if the plate could cross the table instead of going round and round; your chances of finding the right one just opened up sooner than waiting for the plate to come to you...right?

What’s your view of referral dates if in the position to recommend?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay people get it out in the open...

2009-10-14T19:17:00.003-05:00

So there you are typing away on your laptop trying to find the words to say you're not happy but is it you or is it the other person? You type and type and think about your life...is this a priority right now to deal with or is there something greater in your life that makes this issue less of an issue to you? Maybe you're typing away trying to find the right words to say I miss you and I want you back. How many times do you repeat yourself and realize this is getting boring and not expressing what you are trying to really convey? You read it again and ask yourself if you'd take you back if you received this. What about that time you wanted to email all of your good and bad thoughts but when you reread what you typed and thought of the audience you saw that it was a moot point, so you saved it in draft for another day only to hit delete? Let's not talk about the accidental send button problem...that's been universal and not essential to the meaning of this.

We all do it; sit down to type out what we want to say and then hopefully save it first and come back to it at a calmer time. What if that time isn't coming anytime soon what should you do? I've always suggested sending a memo like email saying that you have something you want to talk about and you will within a certain (give the amount) of days. Silence is golden to those who haven't figured out how to use their words and to those who have heard it all already but not always golden to the person who doesn't know why he/she hasn't heard from you. However, we still type away, delete, cut, copy and paste to make it all sound right. I teach that if you give someone a pen and a thesaurus you've given them a mighty weapon when used together. Of course the kids I teach this to believe me when I start talking with the "big" words and they have no idea what I said but know it was important and then take notice. So what's the big deal; why so hard to just put it out there and say what you're thinking? I have such a respect for a person who let's you know what he/she is thinking and doesn't bottle it up. It says I care about you and want to share this with you even if it isn't the most perfect presentation. I also admire those who know that you need to really know and understand who is speaking to really know what is being said. Interpretation can be a key component in acceptance or detachment.

I haven't sent off any emails of great importance lately and don't plan to but I observe so many twist meanings of other peoples words in order to validate a feeling about a person or a hunch. It's hard to convey the right feelings in emails and letters sometimes but so easy for some to hide behind.

Feel free to share your doosies...

©2009 Savannah Jones

What to do about the past...

2009-10-09T13:26:00.012-05:00

You know the kind - many have them or are them...the old boyfriends and girlfriends that find their way onto our current love's Facebook account, is stalking your love by way of Twitter, communicating through every portal available with the one you currently love and sometimes preoccupying their minds and possibly pulling at old heart strings - What are you going to do? Do you really need to do anything at all? Remember, your partner has allowed such voyeurism and has participated in it; so is there a problem or is this just life? The magazine articles tell us beware of the ex that doesn't seem like an ex but is communicating and touching base in person every now and then a relationship crime? How would you feel if you were in love with someone who could cut it off with someone and not look back?

Weigh in on the subject and share your views...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Love the package not fond of the inside...food/men

2009-10-06T21:28:00.007-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it...I like a nice, simple, clean look. It says fresh and appeals to my need for simplicity. I also don't like a lot of unnecessary add ons or long waiting periods. Certainly, I like a bargain but don't wish to jeopardize quality for it. I'm talking about what I learned about dating while taste testing cookies. Ready to bake chocolate chip cookies are a staple in my home just as equal to bread, milk and eggs. My recent visit to the grocery store was to be short and swift until I stopped to pick up the cookies. I came across Pillsbury's Simply cookie. The package was the most appealing one I've seen in a long time. Clean, simple, and fresh looking. I read that it was supposedly more healthy than the regular cookie which I realize is an oxymoron as if a cookie can be healthy. Couldn't wait to open it and try it out however, it isn't part of my diet so I left it up to the taste expert- my daughter. Some people like a more sweet cookie but we aren't that family. I was so excited about this package that I didn't even notice that I paid more for it in comparison to the others. It had to be good...right? It was in a great enticing wrapper. I did try a little morsel and agreed it was too sweet for my taste and that's when I started thinking about dating. Too sweet...a problem huh? Is this how it goes- you like the whole look, you open it up and it's sweet but that's it. It offers nothing else? There's no intense flavor or variety? I can't taste any spice or kick to it just plain old sweet. I passed by the cookies before going to bed and thought it just had to have some kind of edge to it but I tried the crunchier part and still too sweet for my taste. On the way to work the next day, I began laughing at the metaphor and relationship aspect of "nice guys". I know there's not a nice guy out there whose going to think this is funny but to me, I found it enlightening that even when it comes to the packaging of a cookie, I can be drawn in but if it's very sweet...in some ways I can be turned off. Can someone be like a cookie and be too sweet that you have to pass on it? I'm sure I've had my bad boy days and it's probably the reason I like simple, clean and fresh looking not only in cookie packaging but pertaining to men. Before you go ripping this up and getting upset if you're a nice guy...ask yourself this: Can a woman be too sweet that she's a turn off; her kindness can become a problem or overbearing to you and in some cases you have to pass just because there isn't any spice or variety?

I'm just thinking...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Open...

2009-09-30T13:09:00.003-05:00

Your forum to ask and be answered by me and other readers. So many of you have questions that don't necessarily fit the topic at hand. Your comment/question gets posted on whichever page the search sent you. Sometimes you're wanting varied opinions but many who visit regularly only keep up with the most current post. Knock yourself out and ask away...It's open for a few days.

*This site is also available with RSS feed.

Savannah Jones

I will follow you...

2009-09-19T22:57:00.006-05:00

Are you in a relationship where your partner has repeatedly said, " Whatever you want, I'm just along for the ride"? Some people are passive aggressive but others really do mean that they just will follow you and tag along while you do the decision making, planning, and see whatever it is you want to see. I know a lack of mind reading capabilities is a big complaint in relationships...many wish that they didn't have to communicate their needs but have their needs met by some form of ESP. We accept when it doesn't happen but what if it isn't happening because the man/woman is really just in it so you can give them something to do, some form of existence, some way of having a life without taking charge and responsibility of where it's going? The question, "What is a take charge person" came up in previous comments. I used to think that most people are take charge people. The workplace is a perfect atmosphere to find out that isn't so. In personal relationships there are those who want someone who is just along for the ride because they want their life to be the one that doesn't change and is and will remain in the forefront. However, these people may appear to be passive and accommodating by saying, "Whatever you want, I'll do" and possibly mean it. Or, they might be passive aggressive and upset that you know them so well, but didn't choose something that represents their internal wishes. This person might even go so far as to make it a miserable moment to punish you for not quite getting it. So what is it then about a "Take Charge" person that women were looking for, did these women want to be along for the ride or did they want a man who helped make decisions and share the load? While I can't answer for those who want a take charge guy without explanation, I will say that I think sharing the load in decision making, vacation planning, entertainment activities, and everyday life events and problems is important. I was asked to evaluate why I thought a woman didn't want a man who was so accommodating that it drove her crazy. I know you're thinking this has nice guy syndrome written all over it, and maybe it is a fraction of that problem; although from my vantage point what I saw was someone who never shared control of the reigns so the relationship was beginning to feel like a chore for one. A woman asked me, "Can you make someone be a take charge person?" I don't have all of the answers and I know this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that by communicating your needs and wants you give a person the chance to change or improve. There's also a part of me that as much as I know that's a start, there's women who need the take charge personality to be a part of who the man is because having to communicate all of this still ultimately keeps the woman in charge and initiator of discussions and more.

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the devil you know really better than the devil you don't know?

2009-09-16T18:21:00.008-05:00

Does there even need to be a "devil" in this equation at all? Lunching with friends, we were given a test of sorts. We were told to look at some pictures of our friend with two different men and our objective was to decide from these pictures the one that would love her the most. Both men had offered her a marriage proposal and she couldn't decide. It sounded like a deal was being made but she cared for both men and didn't know what to do. She also knew that once she made a decision, one of the men could no longer be in her life. I did what I do best...I made a list. Obviously there were the pros and cons but also what would be the best fit for her. Judging from the pictures and the list of compatibility, we made a decision. From the beginning of this process which I had realized I needed to take more seriously, I had tried to look into the eyes of the man that was in the discard column. I couldn't get a great view of him because his eyes were focused on some woman off to the side. It bothered me that he was with my friend but the eyes were somewhere else. I kept in mind that this literally is just a snapshot in time and not the rest of her life. I wasn't thrilled with the options presented and excitedly asked if there were any other pictures of any men asking her to marry in that big purse of hers. You could tell it seemed like a preposterous idea that one would be given two choices and think outside of the box for other options or suitors. My point was why did it have to be either one of these men just because they were asking? If she was madly in love or felt there was a true long future with either, we wouldn't be choosing this, we'd be congratulating her and only knowing of one of the men. Finally, in some quiet moment that idea was brought up and discussed. She didn't marry either man and life went on. The question of what else is out there kept coming up and seemed to be the catalyst for this picture matching game. I felt like it was the Richard Simmons "Deal A Meal" program where we ran out of cards and therefore were done choosing for the day. Many times I'm asked if I look at my life now and see why some people who were in my life would not have been a good idea for the future...certainly I do. Even though others will remind me that there are those in my life still available, I often remind them that I might not have met the love of my life yet and the best is yet to come - why does it have to be that people fish in the so called "devils" they know pond and what makes them better than the "devils" they don't know? (just playing devils advocate)

Debate away...

Deals/Ultimatums

2009-09-09T16:57:00.008-05:00

Do you want to make a deal? Not every ultimatum in relationships has to do with marriage proposals and often some don't even have to do with the relationship at all. It's often a control issue and sometimes a self fulfilling prophecy or just a need for movement. By the time someone gets so emotional or fed up that they no longer feel in control the ultimatum becomes part of the process. I often wonder if the saying," be careful what you wish for" ever enters the mind during this time or is it all about getting what you think you really want? In a work environment that's difficult and people are no longer thriving at their job, I've watched ultimatum's come into play. I've listened to people not only willing to jeopardize their jobs but often consider making deals with people who are in positions to offer a hand but not necessarily the kind of hand you'd want to hold onto. In stressful times, one might even walk away from the very hand that feeds them while requesting very little and sell their soul to someone whose a wolf in sheep's clothing. So why when the path becomes unclear, uncertain and the future is cloudy, do we make deals and accept the ultimatum with those who we know in better days, we would have walked away from long ago? To some it's a sense of survival and a feeling that by actively choosing this, they have some control over it's outcome or will in time but in the current situation have none. In a marriage type ultimatum or business/relationship ultimatum the person dangling the line might be doing so just to see if the bait will be taken and then walk away anyway. It's not always to prove a point but often it's to validate what might have already been known and understood. When there's movement, options open and possibilities emerge. In some way this ultimatum and it's answer is a gift. Maybe you've heard the story before...someone wants something so bad but was told not now and then continues to push...when he/she finally gets their way, it becomes clear that this wasn't how it was supposed to go and possibly isn't right in the first place. You may look back and wonder if you should've, could've, would've...but you didn't, won't, and can't now. I have often thought about those that lost but truly won and those that thought they won in the ultimatum but truly lost.
This is for those struggling to make choices, thinking the grass would be greener, and wanting to stop working for the devil only to possibly trade him in for a different kind of evil. Ultimatums aren't usually my way of doing things but I understand why many use them. Sometimes I just express the options in a discussion and let the other person know that I'm thinking things over and assessing the situation. Discussions usually open up from there whether it be in business or in relationships.

Share your stories and ask away...

©2009 Savannah Jones

A couple of email questions and I'll let others try their hand...

2009-09-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

Question One:
When do I tell my boyfriend it's me or the ex girlfriend? No one has ever won at this with him except the ex girlfriend when she told him to stay away from some woman. Any woman who has told him to stop being friends with her has lost him.

Question Two:
I lose respect for my boyfriend when he doesn't take charge of situations. He doesn't take charge of problems or concerns with his ex. He doesn't take charge of our relationship. He also doesn't take charge with much. What can I do about this? I'm used to men taking charge and I like it.

Question Three:
I ultimatum my boyfriend and lost but won. He decided he'd marry me but wasn't happy about it. I am hoping you'll post this and some guy can tell me why he didn't break up with me all along if he knew I wanted to marry him but he didn't want to marry me?

Question Four:
My boyfriend and I broke up some time ago and I haven't found anyone that I love or even really could like like I did him. He's been dating and wanting to marry but he hasn't found anyone he said. Is it weird that I want to get back with him but I never slept with any of my dates since him and I'm sure he probably slept with a couple of the women he dated. I think women don't break that up easily and then I'll deal with the hidden "friends" that used to be dates. He won't have anyone to worry about because there wasn't anyone that got that close. Has anyone done this and what do you do to get through it and why do these other women stick around anyway? A man's point of view of this situation would be helpful.

2009-09-02T17:37:00.000-05:00

So the question of marriage came up...no not a proposal but just the question of marriage. Actually, it was a whole lot of questions about the institution, do I believe I'll marry again, the age gap, what I'd be willing to settle for, how to talk things out in a heated moment of stress, and what are my expectations? I looked at the seeker of truth and replied, "Have you ever felt that one day it's just going to happen when you least expect it and somehow the timing will be right and it will work because we'll make it work?" The inquisitive person looked stunned and asked me if I really believe this and well...there are those times when I just do. The more I read the comments on my site; especially the ones about understanding each other, respecting each other and being there for one another regardless of differences, I have hope. But really I also have this sense that the time will come and when it's right it will be right. I've looked for love online, through fix ups, and an occasional run in that turned into more than a date. I have been in love, lost at love, and had to let love go at what has so far been the hardest time in my life. If there's two things I've learned; there's more to this than making yourself available and more to it than love. But, it's that love that makes you want to work at it. The age gap - which we've covered on here before was asked a bit differently...It was more about having a lifetime of things in common with someone older but knowing that statistically you possibly will have only 20 good years at the most together and be alone again. Twenty to me is a long time...hell, I'd be happy for ten real good years if it's going to be the love of a lifetime. The wisdom hunter had another question for me regarding stress and what's the best time to talk with me about relationship issues? The curious one found that rollerblading made it easy to talk out the issues. I find that a nice brisk walk is always good for relieving the stress and talking about the issues at hand even if it's freezing cold, the conversation can warm things up a bit. Looking back at the conversation, I always smile because it was refreshing to talk with someone who could be so openly honest about their worries for the future, thoughts about life, thoughts on who they are, cared to hear the real thoughts I have, and could talk without walls. All in good time I thought :)

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do you want to be the one still standing?

2009-08-27T21:02:00.008-05:00

Should you be proud you can outlast the rest? People in relationships often have to learn the boat will rock and knowing how to weather the storms is a survival skill. But what does this really mean? So you have the ability to stick it out with a man or woman who says that being exclusive right now isn't on the menu and even though you would like a monogamous relationship; the one you love would like to explore options. Therefore, you sit by and hope that by showing your strength and belief in the relationship - you'll come out the winner. He'll choose you and life will be grand...right? When I hear a woman shouting from the roof top that the guy she's been wanting a commitment from finally commits after saying he needed space and used it to date others, I think to myself, " Woo hoo, you won the guy who couldn't commit, didn't think you were worth the time, and after no one was left standing you looked the best. Hope that works out for you." I'm not saying it's all supposed to go so smoothly and seamlessly but there's ups and downs and then there's being taken for granted for a long long time. I've watched some people feel guilty when the relationship ends. They feel guilty that the communication wasn't clear even though it really was, there's guilt for not having the energy to wait out the problems, and guilt for leaving and putting their own needs first, then feel even worse that they chose to leave someone they really deeply love to do this. But who is the winner here? Is it the person who stays or the person who goes? Are you a better person for sticking this out or a better person for knowing when to leave? Sometimes people get so focused on the goal that they can't see the problems that lie within. Some spend so much time with the wrong person hoping to win but win what? Does it really mean more when you've whined, complained, nagged and eventually ultimatum to get what you want? If you have to do all of that is this really the person you want? The fixation on the wrong person impedes the effort of ever finding the right person. In fact, when having tunnel vision, one often can't see when the right person walks by.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is the answer all wrapped up in the check?

2009-08-21T18:07:00.006-05:00

The meet and greet...so you're on your first date or your first meeting and it's taking place over a meal out or drinks. The bill comes and for some the answer to their future with this person all comes down to the check. A long time ago who pays was discussed but the replies became about taking advantage of someone with money and being treated to a night out rather than really stating how some people have a way of using this moment as a defining one with regards to future dates. Are men looking for some sign that they have some room to ask a woman out again or not? Are women careful to offer or not offer to pay to make sure the man catches on quickly to the message? Dating isn't new to me but this concept has baffled me that there's this much of a guessing game all at the end of the meeting regardless of what led up to it and all of the nuances during it. I know I'm going to get a lot of grief for making this statement but in my early dating years it was proper for the man to take out the woman and if a woman asked to split or take care of it, it was an insult to the man's ego and ability to provide. Recently I was asked to decide if the offer from a woman on a first date to split the check should be taken as a sign of rejection. I said no I would think for a first meeting she was being thoughtful and if she's the one who initiated the date maybe she's feeling somewhat responsible for it. Well...the what rock have you been hiding under look was shot at me by more than one younger person. I was bombarded with statements such as: " She didn't like him so she offered and that should tell him not to ask her out again." "She doesn't think he can afford her so she's dropping hints now." " She probably wanted to go home and not feel bad that he paid for her meal but she's going to reject him anyway." Oh my, I thought, what happened to just being nice and offering. I threw out this thought - What if you accept her money, what does that mean? Apparently it can mean anything ranging from, "I'm so glad that I didn't get taken for the whole horrible time." " I thought it was going well, guess I was wrong." and "I'm glad we feel the same and I won't have to let her down easy." Finally, someone my age showed up and said, he'd turn down the offer either way and pay because that's what a man should do. Dating has changed as far as finding dates online but has it all really changed? Are we sending signals through our wallets? What if a woman doesn't want to see the man again but let's him pick up the check, does that have a meaning or signal to it? I've seen more men take pride in being able to treat a woman to a night out than when they take a woman's money but I get the feeling that's just me...

What do you think? Is the answer to how your date is going all wrapped up in who pays in the end?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Question...

2009-08-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

What makes you decide to take a break from dating? There was a time when I promised myself I'd go out at least once with someone I was fixed up with, found online, or was straight out asked directly. I drove myself into a tailspin. I did this so I could get on with my life, get over a relationship, get back into the dating world, and get a man that was right for me in my life. Sounded like a good plan but in reality it didn't fit me. I had to take a break and of course that's when I met someone I wanted to date. Life has that special ironic twist to it and I went with it. However, some really do decide to take a break from dating anyone. Maybe life is stressful, maybe they need to find themselves, it could be that a broken heart needs time to heal, etc.

So what makes you take a break from dating and what do you do with that time?

Dealing with the ex's new life and partners...

2009-08-15T14:06:00.004-05:00

You have an issue with your ex regarding the kids and how to schedule day care, after school care, rules, privileges, boundaries, respect and more. You hang up the phone and share your frustrations about your ex with your partner. He/she has great ideas or just listens and will let you vent. How much involvement does your partner have in the real daily life issues with your kids and your ex? How much do you think they should have? Knowing that your ex might hang up the phone and talk behind your back to a person who has stepped into the role you no longer share directly with your ex might change how you deal with your ex. Maybe you take on more than you should in order to curb bad mouthing situations. You might try and place your ex in a position to push his/her buttons so the new partner can see your ex at their worst. You also might decide to do what's best for your children overall as usual, but is involving the new partner also a good idea? The easy answer - whatever the two families decide is best is what's best. I believe that part to be true but I also see a different side. Have you ever wondered who is spending time with your kids when you aren't there? You wonder about your kids friends and who they have as teachers. You want to make sure that everyone who has some length of time with your kids is a good influence so why not get to know the other half? Some figure that this person won't have a say in your kids upbringing but do you really know how your ex has reached their decisions? Maybe the decisions are made with the influence of this other person. How does your ex spend time with the kids when their partner is present? Is time really being spent blending? Is the relationship your ex is having a positive example of two people in love as well as a positive example of conflict resolution between two people. Relationships are hard enough to build sometimes and then you have to factor in the extras and how their families run and then somehow blend it all or figure out where you'll fit in. My experiences in this area have been positive ones when I was the person the ex was partnering with but there's no doubt you have to walk a fine line between the kids, the ex, and your partner since outsiders see things differently; not necessarily fairly but differently. I've seen exes who take on more of the time with the children in order to allow their ex to explore the new beginnings of a relationship. Once the relationship is established, I've seen those same people go back to the normal way of life in order to show the new partner what life is really like with the kids. Where they used to take on extra weekends and days, they pull back and say your responsibility is what it is and you will do it with new partner or not. What if the new partner has kids that are grown or never had kids? This partner might be finished being a part of the outside kid activities or not used to fitting it into their weekend schedule and wants that single life time sans kids. How do you handle this? I've been lucky, I haven't had too much trouble with this. I've dated men with kids and men without. I didn't expect the men to show up to my kids activities. One did and one didn't. It didn't matter but I noticed that efforts were made with my kids by both in different ways. Showing respect to the new guy/gal is great but keep in mind this person is a part of your kids life if he/she is around even if it's only for your ex the person is still around your kids and it should probably be a factor that isn't overlooked or underestimated.

How do you handle this delicate situation? Are you happy with the results of your efforts or is there a lack of effort on purpose?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay...could you do it...

2009-08-13T19:46:00.004-05:00

Topic of discussion... The question from the post before...Could you have a "fling" with a younger man and I'm talking 15 to 20 years younger? Men, I know it's more in style for you to do this but I have some questions about it. The first thing a few of us older women talked about was how aware of our bodies we'd become. How we'd have to be in great shape to even consider this. I mentioned that I wouldn't feel right because in some sense I could be a younger man's mom and that just became a disgusting thought in my head. But then our attention turned to the young men who said that they find us attractive and don't see our bodies the way we do. Thank god but really I don't buy it...the guy would need blinders or has really poor vision. Or quiet possibly doesn't know I'm being held together by plastic surgery and shapewear. I know I look somewhat younger than my age when I cover the gray and see my Botox buddy so I have been looked at before and asked out by younger men. When I tell them my age there's this look like they just came out of a horror movie so I have a hard time seeing that these men really do want these older women. I don't have a pot full of gold so there's no rainbow to anything waiting for them. Ahh but men, let's see...how come these older men don't worry what their bodies look like to these young women? Sometimes the more gray hair the more attracted these women become. I have never had the experience of being one of these much younger women so I don't know the little intricacies of dating an older man. If he's successful, I can understand the power turn on. If he's got time to spare, I can understand having someone who is available to be with you and travel. If he's got money, I can see some women finding that a plus and a turn on as well. Is it enough to get you beyond the aging process? Can someone love you so much that you can look past the decline in the body as it ages and see it all as a process but not a barricade to love? Can you really stay interested and involved in one another when the age difference is so great and we want different things at different ages? I work with a handsome young man who misjudged my age. I noticed that he was talking to me about many things I'm interested in. His age isn't a hindrance to what he knows and explores in his free time. He said he has never connected to someone his own age. Once he learned of my chronological age, he took a step back and I said, " So you do have a stopping point?" We laughed and he said the step back was out of surprise not disgust...he has to say this, he works with me.

What's your viewpoint on this? Have you ever considered this type of relationship or are currently in one? Please share what you think...

" You never know when someone is falling in love with your smile" Quote

2009-08-11T22:03:00.007-05:00

A Charming personality can make a lot of superficial connections. Are you a person who just connects easily? Maybe you are one of those people who makes instant friends and maybe you are just a personable person? Is it possible that you learned to overcome shyness by stepping out of your comfort zone and learned to be outgoing and outward with others because it was economically a wise decision? Do you know when someone is falling in love with your smile and you don't want them to but you are just connecting and are satisfied with that outcome? Oh what to do when you find out you are talking with someone and you are a smiley kind of person and the person across from you is falling in love or reading that smile as a love connection. A couple of people have told me that it seems that those in their presence are getting the wrong vibes and it seems to stem from their smiley personality. Do we live in a world where the norm is to not be friendly that when someone takes a little time out or shows an interest in one's life, it's flirting and showing an interest? So I was asked what should a woman do when a guy asks her out based on this friendly meeting that was really just two people having lunch together? I asked a man that I spend a lot of time with and smile all of the time to because he is so helpful to me at all times. He was shaking his head not enjoying the pressure of having to find an answer...he told me that if I wasn't twenty years older, he'd question my smiley interactions with him and he knows I'm not the cougar type but he said that he had the advantage of watching me around others and saw I was the same with everyone regardless of gender. However, he did say that when asking a woman if you can call her is accepted with a smile it makes a man think she's into him. He does look for the smiles and the eyes lighting up. Can we be fooled by charming personalities? Are those the bad guys that nice guys are losing out to? Can a woman be a seducer of sorts with her smile but really is a tease and you're left wondering what went wrong? I'm asking these questions because of course I look for smiling people, I like charming personalities, but I also know women who have had to let down some very nice men who aren't aware that in some cases a smile is just a smile.
What do you all think about this? Do you fall for it...have you read it all wrong and what did you do after that awkward awakening?

Themes in life...

2009-08-09T21:26:00.005-05:00

Have you ever been somewhere when it hits you that there's a theme running through your life? A summer of rebuilding, renewing, relaxing, reuniting, rewinding, redoing. My life was in transition, the furniture style I have been leaning toward is transitional, at work we're talking about the transition of out with the old and in with the new. I have been out of a relationship for many many months and thinking that eventually I will transition into the dating scene when the time is right and stable. Working with so many in the behavioral field these days there's been much talk about how many don't take the time to be in the limbo transition phase so a stable foundation can be acquired and tested. It's been said that many times it's just acquired and on people go before the home life and all is stable for a lengthy period of time. Then, they wonder why life is chaotic because they jumped too soon. So what about transitions in relationships? How do we decide when it's time to work toward a change? Change doesn't necessarily need to be a bad thing. Many don't like change but this isn't about sudden change it's that step in between that is the transition. An active choice you make for change and in some cases you mature into this transition. I read an article about how a woman should never move in with her boyfriend until she's engaged with a date set. That's the only thing that should be a transition. If you move in, the article eluded that it's just geography and not a transition in the relationship. What do you all think about that? What about transitions of wondering when you should stay or go. How do you know what to do when you're married and you think you want a divorce? How do you lessen the change? If you're in a relationship that's a struggle, where do you go from there? Do you think if I try and get out, I might be missing out on the best that's yet to come? Or, you feel it's going to be the same old same old so figure out how to leave in the same old way? There's some who transition from one person to the next with a blending period of a week or two. Someone once told me that he was hesitant to date me for two reasons- One, I gave no indication I was interested so how would he transition a friendship into a relationship. Two- because my past indicated future performance (you know that quote) and that I had gotten back with my ex boyfriend more than once so I would probably continue to do this. I wondered, did he realize that I write on this site and there's plenty about relationships that eventually come to an end and stay there? I used my divorce as a past behavior example as well...it was over and done with no returns. This man returned a couple of times to the same person and I thought should I take note of that, is that what he's trying to tell me? Then, I had another man tell me there was a time he was hoping I'd go out with him because my dedication to working it out and persistence in trying to always step it up each time I had returned to that very relationship was impressive and a quality he most admired. It was also mentioned that the steady removal of my kids and myself showed an understanding of a transition phase in relationships. It seems when a couple of men had talked about their marriage/divorce situations with me there seemed to be this lack of wanting to work things out on the part of the women so my returning to try again appeared admirable. I'll leave out what I thought of my own return for now. Times of transition are hard when you have to leave something behind and move onto something better or for that matter even something unknown. I always hear the song "To Sir With Love" and think of transitions of growing up and growing out of relationships. I have a particular person in mind when I hear it. No I didn't have a romance with any teacher of mine back in the day, well...I take that back I did have one with a TA but he was close to my age and not like the song at all but I digress. I look around me with all of the transitions and look forward to the fall and the possibilities of good that lie ahead. However, I'm not really in relationship transition at this time but hope you can share your stories for those that are. I'd be happy to help with my thoughts on it.

It's all there in a song...

2009-08-05T00:01:00.007-05:00

Come Back To Me by David Cook is a great song and by the end of it, you're in it, wanting it to be true, and hope if you need to find yourself - your partner will wait for you. So I was asked what I think of this song. Coincidentally, I was blasting the song in my ears, singing along while working on this site sitting outside in the sun when the comment came through. First, I like that the words acknowledge the need for a person to find oneself if when looking into the mirror they feel lost and disconnected from whom they see looking back at them. No blame is being added to either party in the song - I like that too. Well...it's romantic to think that someone loves you so much to accept that you need to go off and find you on your own and he/she will not only wait for you theoretically, but also will leave your things right were you left them. I'm assuming your picture will stay right where it was and the man/woman isn't wanting anyone but you so, no need to be in a hurry in general. I love the lines, " I can't get close if you're not there. I can't get inside if there's no soul to bare." When David Cook is singing you are probably thinking...he gets it. Someone needs to work on some things and find who they are but instead of being bitter and sabotaging the effort with emotional blackmail, a supportive approach is taken and if this is really love, no one else will do. How romantic and loving? Here's what happened the first time I heard it...I thought can this be real? This man is saying he'll wait. He didn't say, no way, I'm not putting my life on hold while you find yours. Nothing was said to the effect of - you go find yourself and I'll find others any way I can. While listening I began to envision her pictures still on the dresser and throughout the house. I even began to wonder what if a guy I hypothetically had once dated kept my pictures out in the open where we left them, never looked for anyone else, worked on himself while I worked on my things, and waited for me. If you've ever had to say to someone that you need to find yourself, then you know it's usually a break up and not an I'll wait approach reception. Does the waiting and stand by you approach mean the love is any more real than a person who says I can't stand by while you go off to find yourself? If you've ever been this person needing the time away, in theory you might be swept up in the song and the understanding that a person sometimes needs to do this. But, you might also smile as I did at the thought that it might be possible to be in a relationship where someone will honestly and loyaly wait and actually be capable of coming through with the promise to be there. The song sweeps us off our feet because we all dream of this at some point when we decide that maybe we need some time. It also helps sell CD's.

What are your thoughts?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The power of goodnight...

2009-08-02T00:21:00.004-05:00

When couples break up one routine moment goes away with the relationship...The goodnight. What reminded me of this comforting moment in a relationship has nothing to do with a man. No, I'm not playing for the other team these days, but a woman, an unassuming woman who was probably just doing her job struck a chord when she said goodnight. In a rush to catch the scary movie, The Orphan, my son and I were hurrying out of a department store trying to get to the door before it locked up for the night. Just as we noticed the downfall of rain we'd have to endure before getting to the car; a sweet, caring voice said goodnight. Not come back and see us goodbye or thanks for shopping with us goodnight but a real goodnight with meaning. It was so out of the ordinary that it stopped us and a few of the others behind us. My son turned and looked at me as if to say what was that about? I found myself thinking out loud and said, now that's a statement on the power of saying goodnight and the goodnight call. Behind me a woman said, "You got that right." Off we went to our movie but I kept in mind that many underestimate taking the time to make that call at the right moment, and others who get tired of the routine call or feel it's an obligation are also missing it when it's gone or missing having someone to call in general. When I was getting divorced many years ago, my close friend was going through the same. She'd call me before going to bed to say goodnight. We had already checked in with one another once or twice in the day but she wanted to know she had someone to say goodnight to even if it was just me. If I knew I wouldn't be able to get the call, I'd call her early, check in and say goodnight which she truly appreciated. It made some rough times seem a little less rough. Early in new relationships we can't wait to get that goodnight call and wonder if our phones will ring, and others know the routine after awhile and can't wait to say/hear goodnight. There are those moments when the goodnight call doesn't come and one begins to use it as a sign that something in the relationship isn't quite like it should be. Getting that call can make a peaceful goodnight and the lack of one can cause tossing and turning. As my son and I were leaving the movie, there were a couple of people standing in the hallway making that goodnight call before going into their show. Others were making a call to say stay up, I want to tell you goodnight when the movie is over. Is it about knowing someone is there for you? What if after months go by the person you broke up with calls out of nowhere to tell you goodnight? What kind of moment would that be for you? Would it wipe away all of the problems that were in the relationship? Would it mean someone is getting that the goodnight wasn't just an obligation but held a real connection? Can it bring two people together? Can it keep two people together? A couple of people once wrote in that they want that call when one is on a business trip or vacation, often it's asked is it too much to expect that? I'm sure that the woman who told us goodnight at the end of our department store visit had no idea of the impact of her compound word that evening. Jokingly, in my head I thought what if she had said goodbye instead. If it had hit a chord, would this post be about how a word can remind us of a cold break up? Hmmm....Goodnight - such a powerful word.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Don't you wish you really knew...

2009-07-29T00:14:00.006-05:00

Don't you wish you could really know the real reason the man or woman you're with became the way he/she is when in a relationship? Someone once told me that the only woman her ex ever cheated on was her. She later found out it happened before her and after her and in some way there was a turning point that created this behavior. Can a man be rejected over and over for who he really is and never trust any loving relationship and in so doing, recreates his spiraling negative situation time and time again? I've also heard that once you've been cheated on you will assume each partner is cheating...I don't believe that to be true 100%. However, what if you are the one doing the cheating? Do you assume everyone is lying to you or cheating on you? Are you creating your own problem with distrust? There are people who swear they'll never marry again...don't you wonder what could have been so devastating for life? Believe me, I'm not naive to such matters, just try mentioning family courts to me, my stomach turns and I can feel my nerves stand on edge. In my case, I'm not having anymore children in this lifetime so I don't have to worry about that part again. A postal worker was telling me he couldn't even remember where he resides sometimes because after sending his alimony checks to the two ex wives, he forgets which house is really considered his...This hasn't stopped him from dating but possibly from marrying. Is there a time in your life that you can look back to that will explain a pivotal moment in your life that changed how your relationships are played out? Have you ever asked your date what they were like before their marriage, separation, compared to now? The answers can be very eye opening. You may find the story isn't a pretty happy one, but it may explain so much as you proceed forward or even may change your mind to think you should start backing out. Try this one...ask yourself if there's something that changed who you are in relationships? One day you might have to answer and just like an interview, a positive spin probably would be helpful.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Outsiders and their opinions...

2009-07-24T00:03:00.007-05:00

Do you ever blame your actions in your own relationships on outsiders and their opinions? Do you date someone who does? In my own life I was asked straight up by a close friend not to answer as me but to answer as Savannah would. Did he suddenly like Savannah better I wondered? Then, it came to me...he thinks as Savannah it would be an objective opinion but as me it would be biased me giving advice based on who I know him to be. Inwardly I looked and thought would the advice be the same? He felt it would be the same however delivered differently. The advice would be in a generic form as in ... people should or one could consider and he could then feel removed emotionally from the problem to make a decision and in some way feel that he entered a common ground with others who will do the same in the situation. He reiterated the importance of looking at the problem objectively and unemotionally. I explained the importance of understanding that each situation and relationship has it's own little nuances and ebb and flow, that most definitely has to be considered. We talked in length about advice that had been given to each of us in our past and other's who used the excuse of my friends said I shouldn't worry about x,y,z and go ahead and do a,b,c. The problem with that is...if you've dated someone for a long long time; you've probably heard stories about these friends and start to wonder why your partner is not only seeking their advice but quoting it as gospel. One of my favorites (eye roll please) is when you're partner says he/she never talks or confides in his/her friends about personal relationship issues but, due to their friends' advice, you just got dumped, stood up, left during a stressful time, cheated on, disrespected in other words in some form. While typing this out, I am reminded of a time where I thought - what an unusual set of circumstances in a relationship but then watched someone turn to others who never lived any of it for advice on how to handle it instead of turning to their partner. The outcome wasn't very pretty and when the friend excuse was given in the relationship, it got even uglier. You've heard it...the plea of, "I didn't know what to do and my friends' said to do (fill in here) and I thought okay." This friend excuse runs the spectrum. It could be as simple as skipping a partner's obligatory party to go to the baseball game instead...box seats and all. Or, it could be worse...you're needed at the hospital to hold your partner's hand and your friends tell you that you'd be in the way and he/she will be knocked out anyway. It's better you're there when he/she comes home and needs help - go play golf, tennis, fish...he/she will be there when you're done. Well, there's your out. I always thought in dire situations most people will just know what to do or how to talk about what to do and time has taught me the opposite. Sometimes communication gets in the way and more needs to be said for someone to know your expectations and sometimes the communication is just fine but the want to be somewhere else or to do something else is better left blamed on the friends...

Share your thoughts and stories...

©2009 Savannah Jones