What makes someone an expert in relationships? Is it someone who dates often, someone who interviews many people, or is it someone who just happens to have a way of making people laugh and listen? I watched Steve Harvey on Anderson Cooper's daytime show and enjoyed every minute of him the next day on another talk show. While he's really right on with much of what he said, I worried about something he called a "secret". I also am concerned about the message women might have taken away from it. The secret Steve Harvey is referring to is that men are willing to change for the right woman. My stomach sunk when the camera panned to the audience and the look on the women changed from smiles to concern. It brought to mind the repeated scene that would go down when an ex boyfriend who wouldn't change, commit, or marry. Then he committed and/or got married to another woman other than the one crying to me. The names of the crying friend might have changed but the same question was always asked..."Why her, what does she have that I don't?" The first time I was asked this and probably many times after, I would answer with the same reply, "There's nothing different, he just didn't know what he had. Don't worry it's not you." I'm not sure why I said this but with time came wisdom and my answers to the distraught lost friend grew into a reflective answer. "Timing". Maybe this became my answer because I've watched people evolve because they wanted too, not because of someone else. Sure, there might be a special person who becomes the catalyst for change, I'll give Mr. Harvey that, but I really believe that the person wanted that change as well even before meeting this special game changer. Does a woman hear this on Anderson Cooper or from reading the book and think to herself, "If I just keep working at this, he'll want to change for me?" I'm not saying a man won't but I was just thinking about all of the conversations I've heard and thought about the changes the men made and I feel the changes happened out of awareness, maturity, and a self motivated want to change.
Savannah Jones,
ReplyDeleteI like what you write and I share your opinion but there is a little truth to this on both sides. You are probably saying that in your writing. There's truth that this is going to make woman try endlessly. There's truth that men and women too will change if each wants to change. Steve Harvey is just making women think she's going to be the one to make the man want the change. I change myself over and over to fit a man's needs. I love the man I'm with and he loves someone he can't have. I do everything I can to be like her and he gets mad at me and tells me to be myself. It's a cycle and I haven't decided when it will end. - probably when the woman decides she can't find someone like him and wants to come back. That's when I think I should leave.
Saw his act and book on tv like you did. The men on the panel weren't saying what his study said. I don't know what that says about it. It's just one book out of many that women will read about how to test waters in relationships.
ReplyDeleteSav,
ReplyDeleteAre you someone who would stay until the end of time hoping a man will find you to be the woman he should change for? If you say yes, I'll drop. No way do you write like this and practice sticking around for change. Do you think people change?
Above,
ReplyDeleteI think people evolve over time. Some get tired of the results from their choices and find a way to learn and change. With that personal life change, can come a connection with others who share the same views, beliefs, manners, values and morals. There might be a woman who is the before and one who is the after. Sometimes the woman can be the same and may have been the catalyst for change but in the end I believe the man was looking for this change.
Savannah Jones
I saw my uncle change when he was with a woman. I don't think he changed because of her. He changed because she was someone who would stay home and make staying home worth it. Once he met her he stopped going out so much and being drunk. His life got better. He's better and changed but not because she was the one worth changing for but just because it happened.
ReplyDeleteYou change when you want and you don't when you don't want. You change because you want it not because someone wants you to change.
ReplyDeleteNo there's no one I would change for. I would change for myself and my kids. I'd stop my running around when my kids need me. I'd stop being a workaholic when my kids need me but I'm still me and when the kids don't need me I'm back to being me. My routine changes but my personality doesn't.
ReplyDelete