The difference in question is in the following:
Conversation A - between a friend possibly wanting to be more and a woman -
Woman - My car needs a new fan belt and its' costly.
Man - Where are you taking your car and do you need a ride?
Woman - I'm in the waiting room waiting for the work to be finished.
Man - where did you take it?
Woman - The dealer.
(Discussion moves on to other topics)
Woman goes to check out and the bill has already been paid. Later that day the man calls back and inquires the following:
Man - How's the car?
Woman - I was just going to call you because someone paid my bill. Was it you?
Man - Yes.
Woman - You didn't have to do that.
Man - I know I didn't, I wanted to but if I had asked you if you needed help you would have said no. I just wanted to do it and was happy to be able to help out.
Woman- Thank you so much
Conversation B - between a friend possibly wanting to be more and a woman
Woman - My car needs a new fan belt and its' costly.
Man - Where are you taking your car and do you need a ride?
Woman - I'm in the waiting room for the work to be finished.
Man - Where did you take it?
Woman - The dealer.
Woman goes to check out and pays the bill. Later that day the man calls back and inquires the following:
Man - How's the car?
Woman - Car is great but wallet much thinner
Man - I wish you would have told me because I could have helped out.
Woman - That's okay I got it.
(Discussion moves on to other topics)
This post comes about because an observer of life noticed that just as two women behave differently, so do two men but one will not get the girl. It's possible that neither will get the girl but one will stand out as a stand up man who really does what he wants. Everyone helps out in their own way but if someone really wanted to do something for someone - they do it the best they could. Sometimes after a person learns that someone else came through or went above the norm you usually hear something like - I would have helped out if you had asked me. I would love to do something like that for you. (or some version of this deflection) A couple of elderly men listening in on the conversation said there definitely is a difference between the approaches of letting someone know you are there for them. As one of the elderly men said, "If it's a woman talking about her day then she's probably mentioned numerous things she needs help with or wants. If you listen you'll know how to help." A friend once told me that he helps out because anything that can take a burden off or ease up some money for fun things is one of the ways he shows he cares. The example given by him is if he can free up someone's time and stress while also giving them spare money to buy something they enjoy then he's shown his care and love for this person even if he isn't in their immediate life or plans.
© 2011 Savannah Jones
Savannah,
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those men who helps out by actually helping. I don't ask, wait to be asked, or strike deals. I help in ways that will give people more time in their day and give them less stress. I have paid for an old girlfriend's tires because I knew she was at the tire store at the time when I drove by. I wasn't wanting anything more than to know in some way I helped her out. There's a financial strain in her life but she also still likes fine things. Who am I to make it harder on her by ignoring that she might be able to have a great pair of shoes while I take care of the ordinary. Her financial strain is due to others and not her fault and big expenses can put her out but a $30.00 pair of shoes isn't going to make or break it. I have dated women who say the same thing in the post. I've had women who see that I need someone to take care of me or my dog (have no kids) and do take care of me by making some appointments for me and picking up the dog for me. I have others who ask how they could help and my response is don't worry about it. I think these types of people know that's what will be said and it's about them. They asked, they came through. When I take care of something for someone it is about them.
Just saying this is how I feel
Conversation A is the exception and Conversation B more common. If you found a man or woman who does conversation A then marry that person today.
ReplyDeleteThere's a woman I know who listens when I talk. If I mention some difficulty in scheduling tasks with my kids she'll be there to solve. She doesn't ask but she'll say how she's going to help. She'll just tell me she's doing it and for some that might seem pushy but to me it's the most endearing trait that shows she really means it. She also employs my youngest son. She calls and asks me to bring him over because she needs help but really it's helping me and making him feel special. His mother doesn't do much with him and she's the soft touch that is missing. We don't date but I'd like to because I know I can count on her to take over if I needed. A woman who would like to date me always asks why I didn't let her know I needed help even though I presented my dilemma from time to time. She also makes statements saying if only she knew or shows jealousy by trying to keep up with the other woman who helps but she doesn't keep up in reality she uses words but never backs it. This would be a case where I will end up dating neither on like the discussion says but I'd like to date the first situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm the nice guy that never gets the girl in the end but after reading this I'm conversation b and that's probably why. I'm nice but I don't push myself on or into a woman's life. I see in this rhetoric that I don't go about it right and should interject my kindness without prompting and take my cue by listening.
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteGreat conversation choices. Has this happened to you and do you think it gets in the way of choosing a man and committing? If I had two men in this way I would think it would get in the way of choosing.
There are a lot of people who offer but not a lot of people who really do it and not a lot of people who figure out on their own how to go about it and just do it. I married a conversation a type of man because he took care of me like a husband would and I broke up with a conversation b type of man to do it. I broke up with him because why would I want to be with someone who considers himself giving but not really give what I need over a man who asked for nothing but took care of me and the things I needed paid for?
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteI have triplets heading in three different directions. The man that used to date me is finding ways to financially allow me to be me. The man that I want to date and I thought wanted to date me listens to me and my wants and needs but just listens. A few days ago he offered to give me his old computer when what I really wanted was an iPad2. My ex boyfriend sent an Apple gift card to my house for half of the amount. I know he can afford the whole thing but I think it is his way of saying I won't treat you since I don't date you anymore but I'm still here to help. Pay attention men because this is what separates men from boys.
I get this post I really do. I was having lunch with a friend who wanted to buy a new tablet. She really can't afford it but she's selling her netbook, her old cell phone, using gift cards and some extra job money. This device will be used all of the time so it makes sense to me. It also made sense that she sold items that it would replace. I offered her my reward coupon and a gift card that I might use but who knows and I'd rather see her get what she wants because I can afford to get it without selling anything. Our other friend at lunch said her brother has a reward coupon also that he can do without because he too can afford the extra. I get this because we asked her if a friend she spends a lot of time with is dumping in on the purchase and she said no. She said he told her he had a gift card too but he was going to use it or he could sell it to her. She then told us he told her that if she asked him he would have bought it. I looked at the other friend at the table and we shook our heads and told her to run from this man for what is also said in this post. This is about her having to lower herself to ask to make him feel needed instead of just doing it. I assume this man can afford to get it if he made this statement to her which lets me know he could give up the gift card if he wanted to. My friend agreed with us about this and said it made her old boyfriend look like a prince. He would never make her ask for anything. I asked if this guy ever cheated on anyone and she told us he lied about a date with someone once. I know my friend is interested in this guy and we think he's interested in her but I'd say run for the hills if he couldn't have just handed over the gift card and/or had to be asked. I'm very upset for my friend about this because that conversation revealed so much to her and it wasn't something she liked because she would have given him the gift card and probably couldn't have afforded to do so.
ReplyDeleteI would date the first guy
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend is just like the conversation a guy. The problem with him is he will still do the same thing for his ex wife and his other two ex girlfriends. I get jealous but my friends think it says good things about him. If I'm ever an ex, I'll benefit I guess from this. I wouldn't date the second man because it doesn't sound thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteThis is damsel in distress sounding. A prince always helps out damsels in distress. I watched fairytales growing up too and I'm a guy who learned early be a prince and don't appear to be a pauper. The pauper always loses to the prince.
ReplyDeleteI can't afford big auto repair bills of my own therefore I won't be picking up anyone elses. I would pay a portion of the bill and have done that as a surprise to an opposite sex friend. I'm not intersted in her but I love her friendship and this payment toward the bill made a difference to her more than I needed it. I'm just that kinda guy.
ReplyDeleteIf you had asked me a few years ago why do women still talk to men who hurt them and still accept gifts from them I wouldn't have an answer but I do now. I'm an ex boyfriend and I still help out financially my ex girlfriend. I do it because she was a big part of my life for many years. There's an equalness to the hurt and offers in my own opinion. I don't feel guilty about my actions but I do feel bad I hurt my ex's feelings and mislead her. I don't purchase things for her to make myself feel better but because I know she wants the stuff and sometimes just needs a lift.
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteMy ex girlfriend is handed a lot of things in life because she's cute and stacked. Somehow I still stood out from the rest. I read this article and think about her. Her boyfriend before me paid for her new tires because he saw her car at the shop. She wasn't there. She told me it happened and I thought why didn't I think of that? I knew she was getting her car worked on but didn't even know what shop. This happened the second date we were on and she told me about it. I listened to every word from then on and stepped in whenever I could. He didn't ask for anything in return and didn't leave his name. She said another woman in the store described the man that came in and paid for the tires. I don't date her anymore but I will still practice such kindness with her and anyone in my future.
I agree with the person who asked the questions. I think it would get in the way of thinking of others in a good way. If I knew this was my competition I might throw in the towel or on the other hand step up to the challenge of being a better person. I hate getting gifts that I won't use when I really need the money. I also hate getting gifts that I won't use that cost a lot of money that I never mentioned needing. If a man paid for my big items I'd marry him.
ReplyDeleteNo one is going to pick guy b when a exists in this situation. If guy a didn't exist a woman would be happy to have b. Women this isn't what you would say but as a man I'd be happy with b if a didn't show up.
ReplyDeletethe key to happiness is what the guy said in some comment in the thread. He said he learned to listen to every word. If you listen you will instinctively know how to help.
ReplyDeleteIs the guy in the first comment available?
ReplyDeletemost women do not experience anyhone picking up a tab for anything other than a date. If you are a woman lucky enough to have some dude pay for your sh-t then let him
ReplyDeleteThe disertation sounds like my story two months ago. I wanted a new laptop from Best Buy. I sold my old one but still needed more. I told my friends because I was excited about it and seeking information about the device. I didn't talk about it so someone would pick up the cost. One person felt I talked about it to him so he would pay for it but that's' not true it was my excitement. My family gave me their rewards and cards and my neighbor pitched in a little with his reward. These are people who would use the rewards and cards but gave them up because they could afford the extra. The man who didn't help me I don't hold it against him because it's just who he is and showing that maybe he didn't even think he could help. I think it's about that idea of not thinking to help. I don't want to be with a man where I have to do the thinking and asking. I am writing this because maybe the guy didn't help because he didn't think to or thought it was begging or something.
ReplyDeleteThis is the difference from being young and accepting anything and being thankful for it and being older and wanting different things and needing things you don't really want but really need. We want the people around us to give us what we need and want and not some random gift that we didn't ask for.
ReplyDeleteThe person who wrote about the friend and the tablet hit a spot with me. I have wanted items and have friends who offered their cards and rewards. I also know that others would say they had the cards and would sell the card to me for the face value of the card. I don't expect anyone to pick up my expenses and I don'texpect anyone to hand over their cards and I don't expect to be handed things. People that I surround myself with treat me like I treat them. I have a lot of friends who use others cards. I buy Visa cards for this reason. The person can get whatever from wereever.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't about the long comments this is about is there a difference in a person who does and a person who wants to be asked to do. I want a person who does.
ReplyDeleteMy old girlfriend helped me out in every way I couldn't help myself. I think if we can offer someone that gift we should willing do it. If finances run short and our doesn't then offer. If time is what we lack than offer time if we have it to give.
ReplyDelete