When the phone rings late at night at my house my heart skips a beat and I'm fearful to answer the phone. Calls in the wee hours can't be good news. On the other end of this particular wee hour phone call was a crying friend asking me why at her age (27) her family is still working against her? Family at the beginning of the call meant her siblings but by the end of the call it encompassed her parents, friends, Facebook page, ex boyfriend, and only somewhat the siblings. Once again, she went on a first date that appears to be the only date that's going to happen with this man. She's upset that it probably won't result in follow ups and follow throughs...so add this name to the list of first impressions only. I'm almost two decades older than this woman but I think she has so much to offer but then again I am two decades older so I have a different perspective than a man in his late twenties/early thirties. She gave me the run down of the date and I didn't catch where the siblings came into play but that might have just been the segway into the rest of the date. The ex boyfriend probably didn't help the situation, he wasn't the most mature man and the relationship was a long one but ended at the right time. Mistake made on the date...saying she and the ex boyfriend had plans to marry. Of course the guy knows this was probably where it was headed but I'm sure the disappointment and body language that accompanied the comment revealed more and was inconsistent with her moving on actions. How do I know? That's how she responds when anyone asks her. Next was how her parents reacted to the break up and how involved they got in the relationship. She didn't see why that might put off a man but a couple of older women had told her once before that a man doesn't want to think the parents will be the ones making their decisions as a couple for them or pushing her to marry. I told her to focus on what she wants but also think about what a man at this point in life is looking for. My guess and it really is just a guess, is that he's looking for a responsible mature woman who can handle herself in a professional situation, family situation, and have a handle on her personal life. The Facebook issue at first was a mystery to me because I haven't "friended" her on Facebook. As it turns out she shared with me what is written on her wall and her status updates. Keep in mind status updates at my age consists of small indulgences, medical updates, and becoming part of special cause groups. If I was a young professional man, I wouldn't want talk about "meeting the girls for drinks and possibilities", pictures that back up the proof of craziness, and status updates on the level of alcohol consumed to be what my future spouse is sharing on a public forum. In the middle of this talk, with her actually agreeing she might need to grow up some, she mentions Brittany Spears. She was flipping pages of a magazine and it said something like Brittany knew she'd have to mature if she was going to keep the man in her life who is somewhat older. The call ended happily with Brittany Spears being the new guiding force. I'm pretty sure when this woman was younger Brittany was the reason her clothes became so revealing and now she's the reason this woman will change her image on Facebook, discussion topics on dates, and maturely handle her past relationship in stride and chalk it up to foolish immaturity and a growing experience. She felt renewed faith that the next prospect will follow up and follow through and I...well I felt the next day will hold the prospect of nap time. Okay, I know I'm out of this stage of the game age wise and most visiting here are, but what advice would you give her and how did you learn it?
© 2010 Savannah Jones
I like the new colors why the change? I like the other site too.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to this woman would be not to take advice from someone in the limelight. Take advice from someone who has been there and is older and wiser. First, I'd clean up the social network sites and the information posted. Next, I'd get my affairs with my ex boyfriend in order. One thing an older woman can say about this is if you haven't lived together, haven't shared tragedy together, haven't co-mingled life in general, then you don't have a reason to share your past relationship in details with any future husbands. Then lastly, get the family in order. Men know when parents are pushing their kids to marry or break it off with the guy. If there's pressure either way the man isn't going to be interested for long. Savannah is right when she says a man sees this as being married to the parents and the parents making the decisions instead of the couple. Growing up is always a good idea and maybe she needs to do this but do it because you believe you need to not because a superstar is trying it out.
Dated a woman for a month. She went back to the guy before me. I'd want damaging information shared on the first date. If she's doing this it is pushing the envelope but at least there's a heads up going forward.
ReplyDeleteWow! Conversations are different when you're 20 years younger. There's an understanding by the 40's that one or both of you on the date if divorced or widowed for awhile, have met someone where you had a real long relationship. I lived with someone for two years. I'm sure anyone who has dated me since wonders if I'll go back to that man and maybe one day I might but until then the man should go for it. I've been on dates with men who have been engaged since their marriages ended and then that ended too. No worries there but that's part of being this age. I agree I'd change the social aspect of this public image. I don't think any man making his way up the ladder wants a professed alcoholic as a date.
ReplyDeleteLike the colors lady what a great combination. Brittany Spears did get quoted saying something like this but not bad at all for young women to hear. If you want to keep a man act your age and it's okay to go out with friends but don't publicize the details. We are in a society that rewards drunkenness and social behavior that shouldn't be to an excess but is. I'm a woman and wouldn't date a man doing this and I wouldn't want him liking me if I was like this.
ReplyDeletePlay along with me folks,
ReplyDeleteDon't you check these social sites BEFORE going on the date? I mean who meets someone and doesn't already know what's up? Maybe these guys think she's easy and if they don't get it on the first night they feel rejected. It's possible.
Even if it's the third date keep the party animal stuff on the QT. I wouldn't say too much about the boyfriend but I would get upset if in return I wasn't told about some woman who had equal meaning. I guess it's okay to share that info about the ex.
ReplyDeleteWho doesn't have an ex somewhere and who doesn't have a family that gets in the way? Great point about a man feeling parents are pushing for marriage or parents are too involved in the relationship. Men sense it and get the hell out.
ReplyDeleteI went on a date with a teacher and anyone who gets to enjoy this experience is lucky. The love for kids and the daily adventures are more exciting than my job choice and I make the big bucks. The woman had so much going for her until I looked at her Facebook page. Pictures of the old boyfriend were included in the albums - advice - remove them. Pictures of this woman drinking with friends - advice - remove them. Status updates about partying - advice - remove them. Comments to the status updates - again, advice - remove them. This is who we are in our digital real time world but is this who we want to show others we want to have a future with? I think not. I'm 31 years old and I left college in college and I'm doing well during a downturn economy. I haven't been married but I am looking for the right person to be my partner on this journey. I am attracted to women who feel passionate about their lives but think about it before you post it and accept it on a public social forum.
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteWhat's your opinion of people in their 40's and up posting status updates about high tech purchases, high status car purchases, sport references like a crying sore loser, and the errands their running updated? I know I've seen more but you're saying people your age aren't putting this on their Facebook pages and I disagree. I found a couple of men who do this and it makes them appear immature and also made me tell a friend not to date one of the guys I saw on her Facebook based on his page posts.
It's been my experience that a persons internet social profile tends to reflect the users personality, or perhaps the personality they aspire to. Even when I was younger, my profile would have been more conservative and private then the person here. Now, in my 40's, I use Facebook to keep up with far flung family and friends...nothing more
ReplyDeleteSavannah Jones,
ReplyDeleteI'm a 30 year old professional male. Sounds like the beginning of a dating profile without the picture. I don't have any siblings to compare my female dates other than comparing them to one another. The women more family oriented over the others who are less involved in family are different and attractive. BUT, only to a point. If family starts to become the reason we are having problems, I break up. My own advice for what it's worth is to understand where a guy is coming from. If you start quoting your parents and their answers instead of your own thoughts and opinions, you need to remember your filter on dates.
Can't get any clearer for this woman to not talk about her ex boyfriend and marriage with him especially at this age. You haven't been married yet and a man and woman wants to think their romantic interest has only thought of marrying him or her and never anyone else. I hate thinking of my guy dating another woman who kissed him or slept with him. I like thinking his world didn't get rocked until I came along.
ReplyDeleteLike OMG Wake up call for this woman. If you don't want to be seen this way don't put it out there. Did she really need Brittany Spears to set her straight? Did she change her profile. I am 28 and married with two kids. I grew up past the drinking and sleeping around days. My facebook page is all about kids and my husband. My friend makes me visit this site weekly and when it's about the young ones like me I don't fit in. My parents were divorced and I thought I wouldn't want to marry but then I met my man and didn't want to just date him. We weren't partiers when we married and we aren't now. This woman might want to date people who have profiles and families like hers. It would probably work out for her if she finds someone like her.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is bashing this woman like she's some stupid girl because of her profile but the call was about her family and the ex boyfriend the facebook page was secondary to this. I go out with friends and alcohol is a part of it and maybe she should curtail her news on the site but have you ever looked at some pages? I'm out of a job right now and one man I'm "Facebook friends" with was deciding between an iPad or netbook. It's hurtful to me that this is his dilemma in life and insensitive to others. Who the F... cares really but if this is your problem of the day then you don't have one or you should keep it to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIs this different than a second life dating situation and kids being in the way of the relationship? I see kids being like an ex boyfriend or overbearing extended family. I'm in this phase of life and I date a man that I can't date. His kids take up all of his time and I'm only dating him every other weekend when my kids want to be with me. If I told him I didn't have my kids it wouldn't change anything. He doesn't get a sitter or ask if I want to go somewhere for an hour or two.
ReplyDeleteSavannah,
ReplyDeleteI loved my past girlfriend and let her go or she let me go. It doesn't matter because we aren't together. We still are tied together by matters we took into hand while together. My life is part of hers and she's a part of me. There is a way to convince someone that we aren't a threat to our future loves and spouses. I discuss her with others as I would a co worker and friend. We email at least weekly and more if one or the other needs to take care of something important. It would be remiss to leave this out and downright rude to know the secret of it would hurt more than telling the truth. Both parties need to remember there was life and some of it carries over with the love in check.