Don't you wish you really knew...

Don't you wish you could really know the real reason the man or woman you're with became the way he/she is when in a relationship? Someone once told me that the only woman her ex ever cheated on was her. She later found out it happened before her and after her and in some way there was a turning point that created this behavior. Can a man be rejected over and over for who he really is and never trust any loving relationship and in so doing, recreates his spiraling negative situation time and time again? I've also heard that once you've been cheated on you will assume each partner is cheating...I don't believe that to be true 100%. However, what if you are the one doing the cheating? Do you assume everyone is lying to you or cheating on you? Are you creating your own problem with distrust? There are people who swear they'll never marry again...don't you wonder what could have been so devastating for life? Believe me, I'm not naive to such matters, just try mentioning family courts to me, my stomach turns and I can feel my nerves stand on edge. In my case, I'm not having anymore children in this lifetime so I don't have to worry about that part again. A postal worker was telling me he couldn't even remember where he resides sometimes because after sending his alimony checks to the two ex wives, he forgets which house is really considered his...This hasn't stopped him from dating but possibly from marrying. Is there a time in your life that you can look back to that will explain a pivotal moment in your life that changed how your relationships are played out? Have you ever asked your date what they were like before their marriage, separation, compared to now? The answers can be very eye opening. You may find the story isn't a pretty happy one, but it may explain so much as you proceed forward or even may change your mind to think you should start backing out. Try this one...ask yourself if there's something that changed who you are in relationships? One day you might have to answer and just like an interview, a positive spin probably would be helpful.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Outsiders and their opinions...

Do you ever blame your actions in your own relationships on outsiders and their opinions? Do you date someone who does? In my own life I was asked straight up by a close friend not to answer as me but to answer as Savannah would. Did he suddenly like Savannah better I wondered? Then, it came to me...he thinks as Savannah it would be an objective opinion but as me it would be biased me giving advice based on who I know him to be. Inwardly I looked and thought would the advice be the same? He felt it would be the same however delivered differently. The advice would be in a generic form as in ... people should or one could consider and he could then feel removed emotionally from the problem to make a decision and in some way feel that he entered a common ground with others who will do the same in the situation. He reiterated the importance of looking at the problem objectively and unemotionally. I explained the importance of understanding that each situation and relationship has it's own little nuances and ebb and flow, that most definitely has to be considered. We talked in length about advice that had been given to each of us in our past and other's who used the excuse of my friends said I shouldn't worry about x,y,z and go ahead and do a,b,c. The problem with that is...if you've dated someone for a long long time; you've probably heard stories about these friends and start to wonder why your partner is not only seeking their advice but quoting it as gospel. One of my favorites (eye roll please) is when you're partner says he/she never talks or confides in his/her friends about personal relationship issues but, due to their friends' advice, you just got dumped, stood up, left during a stressful time, cheated on, disrespected in other words in some form. While typing this out, I am reminded of a time where I thought - what an unusual set of circumstances in a relationship but then watched someone turn to others who never lived any of it for advice on how to handle it instead of turning to their partner. The outcome wasn't very pretty and when the friend excuse was given in the relationship, it got even uglier. You've heard it...the plea of, "I didn't know what to do and my friends' said to do (fill in here) and I thought okay." This friend excuse runs the spectrum. It could be as simple as skipping a partner's obligatory party to go to the baseball game instead...box seats and all. Or, it could be worse...you're needed at the hospital to hold your partner's hand and your friends tell you that you'd be in the way and he/she will be knocked out anyway. It's better you're there when he/she comes home and needs help - go play golf, tennis, fish...he/she will be there when you're done. Well, there's your out. I always thought in dire situations most people will just know what to do or how to talk about what to do and time has taught me the opposite. Sometimes communication gets in the way and more needs to be said for someone to know your expectations and sometimes the communication is just fine but the want to be somewhere else or to do something else is better left blamed on the friends...

Share your thoughts and stories...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Too much, too fast, too many...possibly?

Everything and anything is possible...so I'm told, but that's usually said to give me the feeling that I can achieve whatever I aim for and all my wishes will come true so I should shoot for the moon. And as the saying goes, if I land on a star then I have reached really high and it's great just the way it is. I have a book mark that has the quote on it for inspirational moments. However does this apply to your love life? With all of the choices out there; actually virtually out there...do we feel we might be missing out even if the person we're with is a good match for us and landing on that star isn't good enough because the moon just might be attainable? I guess I better define "good match". It's all good, not perfect obviously, but all good and you're both happy and things just work, you're in love and able to work on the big stuff, and you can fill in the blank for the rest. When I was newly single and dating away to meet people and figure out what was best for me, I noticed that even I could get overbooked, preoccupied with the other choices, and having my hopes on returning home to an email from profile #5678 while on a date with profile #1234. Maybe I thought the second guy had more qualities on paper that would work out better for me but as we all know, it can all be deceiving and as some are learning some of these people may not actually exist. We still need our resources though so maybe you've signed up for a couple of online services and possibly put down payment equal to a couple car payments to a dating service promising 15 dates, all in the hopes of finding the "perfect" one. I've been there on the date where you can tell a commitment is going to be hard to reach because you're being compared to something not yet given the chance to deliver or it was getting there but not as fast as your relationship and there's this fork in the road needing to be decided upon. In the name of finding a love and companion for life is it possible that there are too many services allowing for us to feel we haven't come close to really seeing it all to make a decision? Why need to see it all anyway if the person you're with is good enough for you and you wouldn't look to upgrade or trade in if the virtual options weren't appearing to be attainable? Is this a gender thing where there are more men thinking they might be missing out compared to a woman? When I was on overload, I almost cracked. I couldn't remember what I wore and with whom and who had what going on in their family and life. It was too much and not me, but when I thought I found someone worth taking the time to explore a relationship with, I could tell this person had a fork in the road decision to make. Should that be the case but you are the chosen one, the discussion turns to removing oneself from all of the dating sites, services, and email contacts in order to be committed to working on being a partnership. Now, think how easy it is to have all of this available again at just a click during a disagreement, low moment, insecure time. In just a flash you can reopen your profile, account, send an email that seems innocent but caring in nature. Um, sure, we won't know if it happened or not but does anyone see how defeating this behavior is if what they want is a real relationship leading to more? It isn't always a matter of getting caught, in some cases it's a matter of self defeating behavior that keeps yourself from living the life you want with the person that wasn't just good enough but possibly quite right for you.

Share your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

How to explain...

Taking a break from playing Wii's Mario Party with my kids, we had to check in on the Michael Jackson story. For better or worse, my kids understand what's going on with the investigation and the issues at hand. What happened in between shows, that's another story. There was breaking news of another congressman who had an affair and a follow up to the last politician whose affair became public. Next in the line up, a commercial for Ashley Madison dating service came on and my daughter asked, " What does it mean when it says - when divorce is not an option." My son inferred that it meant trying to find the right one so you don't end up divorced. Ashley Madison is for people who are married, looking to stay married, but need a little something more. Another commercial came to mind that has since been removed. It was a commercial making it appear that if you aren't a married couple, your children will have tremendous issues and that it's unacceptable. I know in my hometown it was discussed on a radio show and the host said his company will not play it since so many families are on their way to school listening to the radio and feeling great about who they are and what they've accomplished. To hear this might have quite an effect on a child's self esteem more than the fact that their parents are divorced. Well...I get that and completely agreed this commercial was doing more harm than good if you consider that one of every two marriages ends in divorce. But what message is this Ashley Madison commercial sending when most of us are trying to raise our kids to not cheat or look elsewhere when dating and most of all we are expecting adults to refrain from adultery? We have others asking politicians to step down or be impeached when it comes to light that an affair has happened? I don't want to get into some political debate, just simply wondering what is being promoted, what behaviors are we starting to accept more and more as "normal". Curious what you might think...do you think this commercial puts a temptation in place that didn't and wouldn't exist otherwise? A review talked about the routine and monotonous daily grind that so many feel when the honeymoon wears off and the kids are young. It acknowledges that most want to stay married but for some there's a spark that's missing and this is one avenue that helps fulfill that desire. If this is an outlet that has been agreed upon between a couple so be it but should this be a commercial that teenagers on their way to college and getting involved in relationships should be viewing? What would you tell your kids if this aired while all was watching?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do we look for love in the wrong places....?

Maybe you've heard this before...if you're looking for a long time love relationship, stay away from the newly divorced man or woman. If you're looking for a relationship based on trust, don't date a married man or woman. If you're looking to be married one day...stay away from the man or woman who is going to waste your time. Okay, the first two we can figure out, but what does a man or woman who is going to waste our time look like? Hmmm....I can narrow it down some for you but we've covered a lot of it already. The question of looking for love in the wrong places and why was brought to my attention in a comment. I immediately had a picture in my mind of the young playboy type guy and someone in their forties and fifties. I'm not saying it couldn't work out but usually these people aren't looking for the same things in life. If you're thinking you don't want to be married one day and you're with someone who also doesn't want to be married then you might have found love in the right place, but if you change your mind...how's this going to work if only one changed their mind? What if the person challenges you and says he/she will change your mind about marriage? Does it mean he/she wants marriage or possess the power to make one wish to settle down? I know a couple of women who have fallen for this, thinking the man will want to marry one day so if they change their mind he'll be open to marriage but until then he's open to just dating so he's okay with it until you aren't. Later they find he was only open to dating and meant exactly what he said...he's capable of making you change your mind. Sure we need to listen and really listen without emotions sometimes but we brush off some very big differences between us because maybe it's true that love is blind. I once heard it said that if you can get through making the big choices together and go about it the same then you have it made...Think about your friends for a moment- you share everything with them and can work out almost anything together but do you agree with their morals and values at all times? What if you are betrayed by this friend would you still want them around? So even finding like interests and finding common ground is great but not fool proof. Finding yourself first before you go looking for someone else is a great idea. You will have a better chance of presenting yourself as a whole and knowing where someone will fit in or not. I thought about how men and women have a list of what they want and/or are just open to finding it all. Then, I thought specifically about this and words on a list don't measure intensity, honesty, discipline, frequency and more and maybe that's where the problem comes in. Is it the hammer and chisel idea? Do we knowingly know we've gone fishing in the wrong pond but think we can take this fish and change him/her to like different waters? I try not to get involved in that one...I have children and don't need to raise and adult one. So to answer the question of do we look for love in the wrong places? Many times we do but not because we wanted to but because we couldn't read all of the signs and once you can...your blinders start kicking in. When asked why do people come here when they know they are in bad relationships wanting something they aren't going to get, I can only answer by saying there's comfort in knowing you're not alone, others make mistakes, and sometimes seeing many other points of view helps one gather strength, knowledge and the confidence to know they'll be okay no matter what.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Keeping this simple...

So here's an easy one... for most, but then I find myself sometimes on the listening end of someone saying things like...Hey, if he can go and have lunch with his "assistant" then I can go and have lunch with my handsome "co-worker" right?

Situation/Question:
You are dating someone and under the impression that you have a commitment to each other. You find out indirectly that an indiscretion took place. It's proof positive that it happened as far as the actual date, meeting, impromptu chance, you name it. This isn't rumor, it just wasn't disclosed to you first hand. It may have been a one time situation, a friend that is forbidden/not agreed upon, or possibly sending out feelers. Either way, it happened, you know and no one has said it's over. Does this mean all bets are off and you can do whatever you want while staying in your relationship but keeping it on the down low too? Does this mean you can start hanging out with that friend from the opposite sex or meet members of the opposite sex in the same way as was done to you?

Write in your stories and thoughts on this...

©2009 Savannah Jones