Why can't we be friends...?

"Friends...right? We can still talk and see each other, can't we?" Words uttered by one as a relationship has come to the end. Or, you hear, “Stay away! Don't call, don't email, and don’t ask to see me." The question of what to do with all of the feelings of a life and years gone by enters the mind as one says goodbye. Relationships take time to grow, to become trusting, and to form an unbreakable bond. If you've been in a lengthy relationship you know how you build a routine of calls, activities, days/nights together, hobbies, projects and basically a routine new life as a couple. So, what to do if one of you decides to bail out, falls out of love, can't hack it, finds someone else? You're ebb and flow of life becomes out of sync but in some cases the balance as you remember it, might automatically return with the disappearance of the relationship. Either way you're left to start a new life alone. This can be a difficult time because everything you did, you did with your best friend, confidant, and life is better when shared by two. What do you do now? Like a divorce, you might have to spend time undoing connections such as financial matters, splitting up items, etc. Once that's out of the way, one or both of you will want to know how to proceed from there. Do you desire to be friends, how friendly do you want it, or should you cut your losses and go cold turkey? My thoughts on friends after break ups are more along the lines of - there were great things between the two that kept it going. These traits and chemistry will always be present when renewing a friendship while the negative memories and frustrations that caused the break up are removed. Therefore, if you continue to see each other, you could be on this merry - go -round of hope for years. Some relationships run their course with both parties amicably ending it. Those people may realize there's nothing left and move on. Others love and care for each other dearly and keep a foot in the door for the just in case I made a mistake moment, the I can't find what I'm really looking for moment, or silly me, everyone has shortcomings but I like yours better moment. Some really do want to stay friends and can pull it off without any harm to a future apart. I'd still create some distance for awhile before attempting this. It will allow for you to begin creating a new routine, find new interests, and catch up on all that fell by the wayside during your relationship. I think people really believe good-bye has to be forever. In some cases it's imperative. However, technology today allows us to reach out and touch someone with barriers. I can send well wishes or chat without that attraction/feelings factor. Even a phone call can set someone back in time (good/bad) and impinge on our self created boundaries. Controllable distance is all about willpower. I think we know what's best for us during these times and try to provide what we need. Sometimes we choose to not rid ourselves of familiar surroundings, it isn't the right time. Maybe you aren't steady on your emotional feet yet and ready to let go. Eventually, one hopes that the steadiness will find its way to your well being and letting go will become second nature to you. As you let go, emotional stability becomes a part of who you are. You may feel like you're falling since there's no one by your side to pick you up, but really you might have just earned your wings and begun to fly.

We deliberate greatly over how to say it's not working out. We try to get the perfect ending knowing that there's a greater chance that the ending may dictate the viability of a future friendship and/or relationship. One thing I have noticed- Time and distance create change if you want it to. It's a chance to fly solo and find out who you are and what you like when you're alone. That reflective step back might really be two steps forward towards moving on.

Share...

©2009 Savannah Jones

Betrayal

What does betrayal mean to you...

Is it a breech of trust, a broken promise, an affair, a lapse in loyalty? Can you overcome betrayal and remain in a relationship with the person involved? I've had many talks with friends about incidents of betrayal of cheating partners, partners who were somewhere other than where they said, partners who promised something and back peddled, and you can fill in the rest with your own story I'm sure My favorite is a story about a woman who found out her significant other was seen at a jewelry store with a woman when he said he was working late. It didn't matter to her that he lied about where he was and who he was with as long as she was the recipient of what was purchased at the jewelry store. Sometimes betrayals can hurt us to our very core and others are a jolt to our perceptions. It seemed this woman's perception was clear about who he was and what he did outside of the relationship. In her mind, this was no longer about the betrayal of loyalty, promises, or even an affair. The only misconception and hiding of the truth was the woman hiding from her friends that she was aware of this and accepted it within the framework of her relationship. It's possible she looked at this man and decided this was part of who he was and compared to all of the rest...her needs were met and she didn't care. I don't advocate affairs in relationships by any means. I'm just pointing out that we all have a different view of betrayal. So I was asked - If a man is really a good person but gets caught lying about a woman; what do we see? Do we see a good person with a weak demeanor in this area or do we see a cad with little redeeming qualities? Is a relationship deemed irreconcilable or is it the perception of the person that makes it irreparable? Someone once said all he could see was his partner in the arms of the other man and couldn't get passed it to make things work. He was then asked if this person he loved was a good person, a loving person, a truly remorseful woman and could he work with that?

What do you think about betrayal? How do you handle it? How do you deal with allowing this person to be in your life? Any thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

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What are your thoughts on the big flirt?

“Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?" - Helen Rowland

Playing hard to get...some do it better than others and some really are hard to get. Attaining the unattainable is a competitive man's game. Is it a game they hope to win and keep the prize or is it all about the catch and release? When a woman flirts...do men misunderstand or do they completely understand and feel admired? Do we flirt for different reasons.? When you flirt, what are you hoping to gain from it? Is it in your dress, your walk, your look? Walking into the eye doctors office replacing my contacts with glasses, I was the recipient of double takes and smiles. I thought I had doubled my IQ but really I just gave way to that whole librarian dream. Now add a patch and well...the looks changed, the sympathy nod given and the treating me like a helpless woman settled in. In one day I went from librarian dream to a man's nightmare with just a slight change. Tomorrow morning the patch will be gone but the glasses remain for a week. Even the eye doctor joked that even though I have big brown expressive eyes, this is my week to land the big one. Of course, I won't know because currently I can only see out of one eye. We've all read the snippits that tell us the signs of non-verbal flirting when on a date but what about the day to day flirting that goes on. Is it flirting when someone is playing shy? What about the purse holder at a club who you end up talking to and is happy that someone is paying attention to her...is that flirting? What do you think...are the following quotes true?

"When a flirt fishes for a man, she fishes merely for the sport." - Unknown

Women flirt to keep their stock high, men to get somewhere. ~Mignon McLaughlin


©2009 Savannah Jones

Okay...you asked and I promised I'd write...

Emotional Unavailability/Abandonment Recovery
"Duh...he/she was married, living with someone, in a relationship, etc.
Did you really think he/she was going to give it all to only you?" The answer, "Sure, he/she said I was made for him...hand made! He didn't want to get involved but couldn't resist. He was too into me to not go through with it. I don't know what happened and he/she won't talk about it. He/she explodes when I ask. " Don't you just love the 20/20 idea and the outsiders who've never walked in your shoes and who pretend they never made this mistake? I think of commercials when I think of outsiders in this. I think of the propaganda used to target our weak spots. We all have them even if different and eventually the bait is taken to some degree. We want to be trusting souls. First of all, forgive yourself for being human and falling for an emotionally unavailable person. Second, forgive the outsiders who can't understand. But, maybe keep a distance for a little - no one needs a support system that supports by knocking you - your efforts down or is asking you to feel for them being your friend. (some emotionally unavailable people have this trait) Third, start examining why you fell. If you need help to do this - get it. When people talk about this subject in this forum, it's the obvious set-ups. The married person, the long distance relationship, any 'holic' type person and so on. We are all going to win out in it...right? However, there really are true emotional and mental behaviors that factor into and underlie these issues that have much to do with the surface circumstance. I'm not a licensed counselor so I'm not going to get into what I know about this issue. There are great simple books out there to help as well as professionals trained in this and cognitive therapy. (I'll update book list on the side soon). There are also books on abandonment recovery. This loss can be yours or your partners from childhood, adolescence, and/or adulthood. Studies have shown that children on up who grew up with fear or shame of a parent, spouse and such who had an addiction, committed suicide, some form of abuse; have a higher rate of fear of abandonment issues. This can play out in a cycle of connecting/withdrawing and certainly in other ways. A simple get over it and you don't have to be that way attitude is no match for the chemical responses and inner workings of the complex brain and their defense/reactive mechanisms. Are you fated to be this way and only date those like this? No! Examining the why, how, when, who...all a start to a new beginning. It just takes time and everyone wants some simple neat answer and cure. I don't tackle this much on this site because it goes much deeper than the surface of he/she was married, still in love with the ex and so on. It involves the psyche of both individuals. Ironically, I was once told that for a time I was shut off. I only included those directly effected by my circumstance. Ironic because I had to wonder why it wasn't prefaced with - understandably so.... It was at that moment that I knew the importance of seeking out those who understood and were supportive. The stories they tell amaze me but comfort me. I don't believe you should fault those who don't understand, for they aren't aware of it. I don't want these issues to be dwelled on in this site as I can only take them so far. To my children, I explain that many don't understand the inner workings at play, some don't want to for fear of becoming vulnerable, and others grew up at a time where showing emotion was a sign of weakness. I know this isn't the fluff piece of emotional unavailability you were looking for but really I can't even go back to that moment of fluff now that the awareness of how deep it goes and it's effects on others exists. I know you want a simple answer like the man you're in love with is just having a hard time committing and maybe that's so, but life is hard enough and it isn't your job to turn everyone else around. You can support those you love but don't have to be in a full blown unhealthy relationship to show you care.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Men...explain please

Okay men here's your turn to explain or better yet, just enlighten us women on what your species is thinking. A woman gets picked up for a date and is clearly given the once over by a guy that she's dated for awhile even a year or more. Arriving together and getting out of the car...two more obvious looks of being checked out. Nothing said, just double checked more than admired. There's a few women I know who think this is ... weird. That's the word used to describe the behavior. I asked a couple of questions about this.
1. Did the man tell you that you looked great?
2. Maybe he liked how you dressed?
3. Was there a stain on your clothes?
4. Do you really care?
Just like a woman...Once brought to attention, I started to pay attention to this. For one man, I'd have to have changed my look and reveal some skin to get a deeper look but he was never obvious about it, always happy, never rude and obvious, completely complimentary. Another man, obvious and causing a little uncomfortableness, not comfortable showing skin with the way he would look. Covering men at the work place where I dress up respectfully...never really checked out in an obvious manner, haven't felt uncomfortable ever, eye to eye conversation not eye to chest or eye roving whole body. That didn't change with regards to after work activities with co-workers.
So men...what's up with it all? Why be so obvious? Apparently, not all women want to be scanned like a CT Scan. Some women prefer a covert style with a nice comment expressed. If tables were turned how much would you want to be oggled? Would you want a woman to look you up, down and over again but say nothing? (I know the answer to that one) Do you think that we are turned on to see you look at us so blatantly? All women are not created equal, so I'm sure some find this quite a turn on when so obvious, but men what's behind how you go about looking?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Is it who or is it when?

This is simple...I think...
Is it who you're with that will decide if you want to marry or is it when? We've talked before about timing and the comments became more about the timing than the person. What if the person never brought up marriage or an ultimatum? You continue to date indefinitely without the pressure for more. Will the when come about and this is the person there so it also becomes about the who? Or, is the who making the when happen sooner than later? Are you someone who will break up with the who at the time the when becomes important and the driving force to find a different who? What do you think...who or when and what would you do if the when became important but the who wasn't? What if the who was so important but the when wasn't quite there yet?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Who really broke up?

Mind boggling at times...break ups can keep one occupied for days, months, years if you can't get unstuck, feel you have no control, or you have to play the last few months over in your head to see where you missed the signs. However, what if you orchestrated the whole ending and no one was the wiser? Watching a movie about relationships and hearing two women talk about how they both broke up with two men but realized they didn't really do the breaking up; the men did all of these things to cause them to WANT to break up. There comes a point in a failing relationship where one or both realize it isn't what he/she wants or it's becoming so frustrating that the only way to get relief is to end it. Although many may feel this way, it might take them months to actually end it. There never is a really good time to tell a person you love that you want out. Holidays seem to come in a steady stream and just when you catch a reprieve, some kind of crisis might happen in one of your lives causing you to change priorities. Many people start grieving for what they lost while still in the relationship. Sometimes a limited perspective is developed and all that can be seen isn't really the reality and the limited perspective is promoting the want to leave. What if you don't want to be the one to say goodbye? There are various reasons for wanting out but not wanting to be the one to end it. I know for me, I'd rather the other person break up with me but it doesn't always work out that way. I want the other person to tell me why it's not working for him and why it needs to be over. That way, I have that to refer to when the curtain call comes knocking. I think in some cases both parties are wanting out around the same time and maybe stop working at the relationship. Other priorities enter and one or both let the relationship slide. We learn the patterns of people and know what makes them tick and what sets off buttons. We also learn that some patterns can be broken and when they are...the partner isn't prepared and is thrown off of his/her game. You know when someone is picking a fight most of the time...when falsely accused, or demeaned by another, you can tell when it might be happening on purpose to push your buttons. Some rebels will actually stay and not take the bait in order to get the other person to break up first. Think about it, have you ever done this? It's usually at that moment that you really get an eye opening moment about the other person who is trying to rattle you. Somehow the picture becomes clear and you both want out. The vantage points of break ups bring about many different angles of what might have been but it definitely brings about the if only's. Some people stay in relationships holding out some mysterious hope because truly they believe destiny brought them together and there has to be some silver lining to all of this. Others leave believing in not wasting time with something that doesn't make them feel good, where their needs aren't being met and so on. But how many have been forced into a corner and in some reverse psychology way were made to be the one who broke up? Check out the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" that movie scene is in there.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Agree to disagree v. Talk it out

Can you rise above and agree to disagree or do you talk it out with your partner until one of you wins, concedes, or actually both agree? Communication is supposed to be the catalyst in promoting a healthy relationship. However, I was reading some study and found that the ability to agree to disagree was an indicator for a marriage that stays together. It is the ability to love your partner as is. You accept that you won't always agree but have a mutual respect for their opinion. Stonewalling is not agreeing to disagree in silence so that doesn't count. At what point do you stop and realize that you are not going to agree on a certain topic so it's best to table it for another time, or not at all if it's not something important or needs to be acted on? Talking things out is a great concept and usually both involved learn a lot from each other and about each other but what if there's a fundamental difference...should you break up, leave right then, bully one to lean your way, ultimatum or just agree to disagree? Some people are looking for that perfect match, the one who thinks just like they do, holds the same philosophy on life, and who respects them, etc. If that was so simple to find, we wouldn't have all of these dating sites. My kids are twins and I see how much they are together, rely on each other, but there are some interesting personality differences between the two. When I listen to them talk; sometimes they sound like an old married couple. They are tolerating each other for the moment and the next each others best friend. Twins tend to not have the same personal space issues as others but I look at my kids and think if I had someone that was that connected to me, same grade, same friends, same house, and more...I'd need a hiding place for awhile. One of the kids will rat out the other but not vice versa. However, there's an understanding that it's for the greater good. There's some teasing for a day and it's over. The teasing is actually light hearted and loving in a way, basically saying I agree to disagree with how you went about this. Why do some couples have a hard time with accepting the choices their partner makes? What happens when the problem needing to be solved involves life long decisions - will you agree to disagree and how does that pertain to relationships, prenups, weddings, spending money, tackling family problems, and so on?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Feel free to share your experiences, comments, questions...