Letting you roam today...

You decide where this goes today:

Some thoughts along the way... The phrase "I need to let you know I'm unhappy." Have you heard it, said it, what happened next...

Do I dare bring up who have you wanted to ultimatum and why?

What bugs you the most about your relationship?

If you had it to do all over again what point in time would you go back to in order to start and why?

Why did you allow yourself to have or be the rebound? Did you think it would last into a marriage proposal?

Feel free to roam and come up with something other than the above and share...

Do nice guys finish last? (comments still going strong)

The comments are still going from this last year...What do you think?
Do nice guys finish last or do they win it all?

All through high school and after, I had a lot of great friends that happened to be guys. In high school some of the games the girls would play weren't my style and the boys were just easy to hang out with- the drama element wasn't there. I had a couple of really nice great guy friends but I wouldn't date them. My best friend happened to be a guy. He always told me that no one wants a nice guy. He might have been right back then but not necessarily for life. Many women in the past couple of weeks have told me how they believe what is told to them by men. Their first instinct is to trust and then go from there. They've been hurt and just want a nice guy. I named some nice guys that one woman dated and she said they were boring; unlike the guy who kept her on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm known for being gullible when people tell me stories because I don't listen with a distrusting ear. You'd think with the characters that have been in my life I would question everything but I don't unless you're one who challenged my trust. Sometimes I think I should do it backward but I have a tendency to want the best to be. Last night my friend took out a list of questions I'd given him during a bad break up and he threw them out to me. I was asked if I noticed the people (men) who surround me or check in with me in times of need, sadness, trouble, and the good times too. I was asked if their feelings and intentions have ever waivered depending on the day, situation, their own stress or magnitude of trouble. I was asked if they've been consistent in their feelings for me and concern for me and my kids and put my needs at the top of the list. Hmmmm what was all of this leading to? After all these are my questions for others. I knew this person was trying to get me to pay attention to that which I already knew deep down. Then I was asked if I offered all of those same qualities to others who really weren't consistent in their return. The person asking me this answered that for me and said, "yes, you have and have remained true, consistent and someone that a person can count on. You give your best under any circumstance." Yippee! I passed one test. I know we didn't have a crystal ball in front of us at the time but by asking these questions, (which I had asked myself at various times in the past) I was being guided into talking about the qualities I am looking for in a person. Not what they did for a living, how old their kids are, or even what their interests and hobbies were. I was just supposed to deal with innate inner qualities. Then, I was supposed to add some of the icing like a sense of humor, drive, ambition, stability and security, a want to explore travel, learn new things, etc. From there I was asked, what would I give up to have a nice guy finish first? (I got to add some icing even if it had to be reduced fat icing) My answer...I'd have given up nothing that probably really mattered in the end. Fairytale like I know, but with all of the posts and comments written on here I think some of the nice guys out there need a little spotlight shown on them.

©2009 Savannah Jones

I know the pot is going to get stirred by men today more than the woman and I'm prepared because I already have some of the flipside covered so have fun with this. I know I did and I'm ready to respond.

The meantime and rebounding

This meantime has stirred up some people wanting to know how the meantime relationship isn't rebounding and how is it really different? One person maybe more wrote in that they understood this meantime and having sex in the meantime isn't rebounding and others didn't quite get that.

In the meantime you might enter into a semi - relationship but have made it clear that you are in the meantime and don't know what you want or don't want to deal with what you want yet so this is where you are. Someone enters into this no matter how lightly they tread, he/she becomes part of this meantime. This is not a rebound or make you the rebound if you accepted. Rebounding is having a relationship with a person after you ended a different relationship while still missing,wanting, and loving that other person who is gone but are replacing it with this new relationship when not quite over the other. You're in it completely and actually saying you want to be. You are in fact together and there's no maybe about it. I guess I can go into semantics and I'm big on word choice so... having sex with someone new shortly after a break up that you're not over and moving that into a somewhat dating situation - consider it a rebound in most cases unless it was discussed as mentioned in the beginning. In other words, people who are really in the meantime and want to be usually announce it and it goes something like this, " I'm trying to just be, I'm trying to get things done and figure out what I want. I don't mind being with you and want to be but this is where I am now in the meantime. " People on the rebound don't say, "Hey, I'm rebounding and hope the other guy/girl realizes he/she can't live without me." Or, "Hey, I'm rebounding and you are the in between person while I wait for the right person for me to come around." In fact, most people don't announce at all that he/she is rebounding. Some don't even know when it's happening. However, if you ask for information about past relationships and you are finding out a relationship just ended and he/she's just getting out in the dating world, that's a pretty good indication you might be the rebound depending on how you fair in the checklist of current necessities. Otherwise, you might be the friend with benefits. If you think you're the rebound...my guess is you probably are. I don't know that for sure but gut instincts are usually good. I have no idea of the statistics of rebound relationships working out... I haven't looked into that part very much.

©2009 Savannah Jones

I hope this has been helpful and feel free to add to this or your own experiences.

What are your meantimes like?

Revisiting the relationship meantime:
Many years ago I read the book, "In The Meantime". I was in the middle of something and didn't know what I wanted to do about it. The book spoke to me but my own values got in the way of committing to some of it's examples. Cheating isn't my style and reaching out and getting emotionally connected with someone while in a relationship, is also not my style. This book talks about that but also talks about allowing yourself the freedom to be open to the meantime moment and not always feel that you have to make a definite decision and quite possibly you'll find, the answers will come in time. So, recently I was asked, what if you are the one needing the time and the person you're spending time with wants more and won't wait? Along those lines I was asked how much should you share about what you're doing with your romantic life in the meantime with another person of interest? My favorite question asked - what do I think about women having cold calculated sex in the meantime and doing the love them leave them approach? This talk got interesting. I asked for a definition of cold and calculated...it seems to this person it means that she would know that the person she was with liked her but to her it really is just sex in the meantime. People have written in about rebound relationships and how to be the one instead. Maybe some of these relationships are just in the meantime. It could be possible that it isn't something that just happened but was actually a party for two, only planned by one.

So what if you're in the meantime and your with someone that you know isn't really for you? Do you tell him/her? Do you have a responsibility to do so? What if you've told the person but the man/woman is a hopeless romantic, believes in the "one day" idea and ignores your words? Have you ever been part of someone's meantime? Please share your story.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Hard Conversations To Have

I'm not a fan of certain phrases such as: I'm just along for the ride, I'm working on it, We're making progress, and It's a win-win. Don’t get me wrong, I do have to use these sometimes especially when it’s necessary to be vague or abstain from actually answering. But what about those ‘hard conversations’ that we have to have; the ones where we announce the obvious before having the discussions? I guess that’s my equivalent to a man hearing, “We need to talk.” My eyes always roll when that sentence prefaces the next part of a meeting, a conversation, etc. However in relationships there are conversations that can be difficult, but essential and possibly a prerequisite to “moving forward” in a relationship that leads to marriage. Sorry to burst your bubble and tell you it doesn't all take care of itself and love will see you through only so far. Maybe when you were in your twenties and getting married for the first time, you and your partner were working your way up and going in the same direction. Life’s discussions were easy if they even happened at all. Now, older and wiser and looking at life in a more insightful manner, we’re aware of our needs. We are cognizant of what personalities work with us and traits that blend well with our own nature. We’re reticent to give up a life we dreamed of and also reluctant to be without the one we love. Maybe you won’t have to but how will you know? The first time you married it seemed you we’re heading down the same pathway. Possibly now you're looking at a different phase of life that leads to other dreams and possibilities. Talking things through is important and being able to communicate is key but can you talk about certain subjects and agree? Here's some important topics to discuss along the way that I know personally have helped enlighten others in relationships and brought about a stronger bond or an awareness that it might need to end if not tweaked- If you are wanting a baby and your partner doesn't, isn't that something you'd want to know before you married? Spending money - What an interesting topic, years ago I created a budget with help from a great friend of mine who told me I should give up my coffee habit. I told him to give up his satellite. Somehow he understood it wouldn't be easy, so I gave up the newspaper as a start. What about envisioning a life goal together or dream; can you reach a compromise and be happy with it? `How you spend your days and evenings as a married couple might be different than how you do this while dating. Have you talked about that? One topic I hadn't thought much about until lately is, how will this person take care of me when I'm sick or a family crisis hits and how will this person want to be taken care of in return? I know you might be thinking, sure we can say whatever someone wants to hear but then keep in mind you're stuck with them and there is a discrepancy in what you want or how to go about life which could make things chaotic. There's many more topics of importance to deal with and I just ruined all of the glitz and glamour of relationships depending on what excites you, but this is worth noting and maybe these talks can bring you both closer to an understanding.

©2009 Savannah Jones

What hard conversations have you had or want to have? Please share...

Timing - Is Yours Always Off?

I get asked this a lot from other women..."Why wouldn't the guy marry me, but as soon as he met someone else, he marries her?" The answer seems so simple when you hear it from a man - Timing. Men, how many women have you met that might have been right for you but not at that time? I can't believe my luck sometimes when I look back on my life and I do mean luck. In some ways I met men that I could see myself married to and wanted to marry but something happened and it didn't work out. In some cases it was just bad timing; life got in the way of having a life. If that happens with the one you're with, and it got in the way of life instead of dealing with it as part of life together, maybe it wasn't bad luck or bad timing. Maybe it was what was right. In many books written along the lines of how to get a guy to marry, there seems to be a theme about finding a man after he's been divorced 'awhile', after he's 'long' out of a long term relationship, after he finds a job he's secure with for awhile, etc. In other words when there's a stable time in his life and he's on the way up or feeling really steady and secure but not needy. The needy part seemed to be if he was feeling he needed a wife but not necessarily wanting a wife. Many of the men in these books agreed that moving in slowed the process down in their want to marry the person they married or even left. There was a need to marry the one they weren't living with- wanting what it seemed they couldn't have. Timing was the theme that just not being ready at the time is real and women usually take it as the guy just isn't ready for them so they leave. Later they find their toss aside is getting married to someone and there's no explanation as to why that woman over them. Ask those men and I'll bet their answer reflects the it was the right time idea. What usually isn't said is - this was the only woman for me. There's a part in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" about how a man can't perpetually have long term relationships because no girl will think he'll marry her therefore he eventually won't be able to get a date. I know a couple of men who say they had to let the best one go because she couldn't wait for him to be ready. The woman left believing that if she was the best thing he'd marry her soon and then somehow after dating for years or even living together it's over because there's nothing backing it up. Off he goes into another relationship and within a year is married. Okay, women I'm not trying to say to stay with someone who waffles on the marriage idea. I'm just presenting what I found in many books and articles on why men marry "that girl" instead.

©2009 Savannah Jones

So regular men of America and then some, is this true? Lend some insight...

What to do, what to say, what to think...

There's so many things to take in on a first, second, third date...and don't write into me about third dates and the mystery of that night. I don't buy into it. I really want to know the person that won my attention before the whole sleep with him idea and most the men I know want that too...right guys? So we're all grown up now and the jealousy factor of the past shouldn't exist but it does and clouds what really could be learned. I wasn't expecting the topic to turn on the previous post. I responded to "Worried" and explained I have only been single a total of a year out of twenty. That means most of my life experiences have been with others. (See response on previous comments) I like to hear about others lives and how their time was/is spent. I especially like when I hear what worked for them in the form of sharing their stories. It's great info for me to process because if it isn't a match for me, I can get out before I'm in. Some share memories of others because their lives were so intertwined; it's possible the past is very much a part of their present, and some break- ups are messier than some divorces. There’ll be some who can't hold a candle to a forgiving person's memory of a loved one. Don't try to - instead create new memories. Don't judge that the person wants to only remember the good, the bad, or both. I'd be more concerned if the person pretended or really didn't have any feelings about their past and the people in it. I'm not suggesting that you deal with something just because. I suggest listening, learning, jumping in when you hear something that rings a bell in your life and share. I once mentioned an opera I saw and the next thing I knew the guy was talking away about his old girlfriend, how he learned to love the opera, and of their dinners beforehand. I heard how moved she was and how that helped him appreciate opera. I was all wrapped up in that story. He showed me he could still think nice things about his past love, enjoyed the same wine I do (can afford it visited the vineyard too, travel), has season tickets but doesn't like being tied down to specific days so he swaps (committed but needs flexibility), showed openness in wanting to do something he didn't like to accommodate his girlfriend (compromises), and best of all he likes opera. See all that one can learn? Don't just listen to the words, interpret the meaning. Maybe he did miss her and regretted that he'd like to reconcile and can't but the two weren't together for some reason. And well...I have great memories of relationships, but truly if it's over there must be a reason. Is it the reason that matters and keeps the two apart or is it the memory that holds more power to reunite? We're all a sum of our experiences and by now we've shared so many of those experiences with others. These are opportunities so, listen, learn and share.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Your turn to share…