You know the kind - many have them or are them...the old boyfriends and girlfriends that find their way onto our current love's Facebook account, is stalking your love by way of Twitter, communicating through every portal available with the one you currently love and sometimes preoccupying their minds and possibly pulling at old heart strings - What are you going to do? Do you really need to do anything at all? Remember, your partner has allowed such voyeurism and has participated in it; so is there a problem or is this just life? The magazine articles tell us beware of the ex that doesn't seem like an ex but is communicating and touching base in person every now and then a relationship crime? How would you feel if you were in love with someone who could cut it off with someone and not look back?
Weigh in on the subject and share your views...
©2009 Savannah Jones
October 9, 2009
What to do about the past...
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27 comments:
My girlfriend's ex boyfriend stays a part of our lives. I've learned to live with it. Can't beat em' join em'. I ask about him, I get involved in the complicated conversations. There was a connection between the two but not enough or I wouldn't be with her now. I don't like it but she's with me. I wish I could give her what it is he does that keeps her connected but I give her something else he couldn't so she says. I don't have anyone from my past that's still in my life. I like that but respect her decsion.
I am someone's ex that will protect my ex for as long as I can. I will step in when asked and I will stand on the side when asked. How it effects her dating life is in question because she's owned up to needing what I offer in my personality and philosophy and owned up to saying it's missing in who she's with now.
For what it's worth - I stay in her life because I don't want to be without her.
The reality is exes exist and only sometimes are these said exes a problem. My boyfriend sees his ex girlfriend weekly. I don't like it but I let him go because I can't give him this time the way she does. The two work on charity together. He works with a different one with me. Sometimes I get concerened that I'm being compared but I make sure to keep it light.
All right it's on - I don't like the whole Twitter and Facebook stalking. I looked up my ex boyfriend's friend. I didn't ask to be a friend but you can still see the friends. On the one hand I was mad that he didn't ask me to be a friend. On the other hand he has over 200 friends. I found myself looking at each woman's photo and profile wondering who was the new girl. If you click on the friends picture you start to see who they know and it becomes too much. The twitter idea is crazy. Do these people realize the exes are looking? I think they make up half of the stuff they say they do.
You ask if we should do anything at all about the ex that's still in and I believe you should. I feel like the past should be the past. I've never been married but I'm 44 and I am tired of dealing with ex girlfriends. I understand the ex wife if you have kids but the old girlfriends that still hang around don't make sense. What do these gals want? I don't have men hanging around. I won't date anyone that still talks to the old girlfriend.
Yes the Twitter issue my avenue to tell my ex boyfriend where I am and what I'm doing so if he wants to find me he can. If I'm on a date, I don't publicize it.
Our own teenagers have to tell everyone what they do every minute and somewhere adults thought they needed to do the same. It is what keeps an ex in line with our lives.
I called my ex last night and shouldn't have... I had too much to drink but the call was necessary one not a drunk call. When I hung up I remembered all of the good between us the way we talked to one another and handled problems and no sarcasm or hurtful words. The women I've dated lately cut down their exes and this woman could have but didn't, these other women are sarcastic and I find that ugly in a woman and this woman isn't. Conversations are real and I miss it. I called her today while she was at work which isn't a good time to call so I knew I could leave a message. She answered which I didn't expect and was happy to hear from me. We talked again about a pressing matter but then I told her I missed her and I didn't hear anything in return. There was some nastiness that came next. I was told by her that I should have thought that day would come because I had plenty of dress rehearsals. OUCH that one hurt. I want an opinion on what that would mean for the next move for me.
Love the first sentence in this paragraph about having someone like this or being someone like this. I'm someone like this. I won't go away from my ex boyfriend's life. If he wanted me to he'd cut me right out of it but doesn't. I'm on his facebook page along with his other girlfriends from the past but I'm the one he talks with. He calls, we have lunch, we take strolls through the park. I have a boyfriend and I know this annoys him very much but my ex and I couldn't make our relationship cross into marriage but we have a bond that won't be broken.
This probably should go on the nice guy column but I'm with a nice man who doesn't make me feel comfortable. He's so nice he won't express his feelings. We don't share the same grounding in beliefs about life and kids. I love this man for his niceness but my ex boyfriend and I shared more life in common. We handled our problems in the same way, we shared the same spiritual beliefs and we raised our children with the same beliefs and way of parenting. Heck that's hard to do even with the biological parent but we did this together for a few years. I miss my ex boyfriend and it's why I need him. He balances out my current relationship but the deeper my current relationship goes the more I miss my ex. The connection is there in talks, and ways of going about life. But I treasure this nice man because he's nice.
You hit the hammer on the nail - our partners allow the connections. Our partners don't block their exes from seeing their Facebook, no, instead the ex is invited on. I don't want to see my ex's life or their friends life. I don't want my kids to see what my friend's write on my wall but an ex somehow is allowed all of this attention and information. I don't like it and I don't get it.
I called my ex girlfriend this morning to talk about who she's dating and the effect it has on her. I want back in and mainly because he's not for her. He doesn't bond with her like I did and she runs to me for advice and help and not him. If there's a question about kids or finances she turns to me. She told me I'm the only one that understands her. I feel that means something and deserves a chance to work it out.
Do you really know anyone who breaks it off and never looks back with some connection these days? I don't! With all of the social networks available, I find my old girlfriends getting in touch with me every time I login.
Savannah,
Why do you think it's a two way street without one of the parties saying no to a connection after a relationship ends? If one person reaches out I see another one reaching back. I am thinking I'm an oddball. I don't have anyone from my past in my life that I dated except my ex husband and that's because we have kids.
My children call my old girlfriend when they have a question or want some help. She is the buffer sometimes between my ex wife and I for them. My past girlfriend is the kind of women that lets you know what she's feeling and isn't afraid to admit the truth even if it's not a popular comment. She used to say you know you think it and I'm saying it. We raised our families together and still feel a connection but we are protective of each other's feelings. I don't allow her in my Facebook and vice versa. I think it could create a bad vibe between us. We still talk about the spiritual things and metaphysical life that we shared when together and miss all of it. We know we can't return to what we had but our kids still turn to us for advice guidance. I see this as positive and a positive trait among both of us that we built something so strong and handled it as mature adults when it ended. I would look for that in a woman again and I think she'd look for it in a man again.
Being a baby and a sore loser is my ex husband and that's what his new girlfriend calls him. He was a control freak in our marriage and drained the love right out of it. He thought he had all of the answers and would take it personally if someone gave him some advice instead of taking it like he couldn't know everything and no one expected him to. He's the one who sent me to this site in the past and I found it comforting but ironic that he'll seek advice from someone he doesn't know but not someone familiar with him. A woman at my children's new middle school knows the woman he's keeping company with and told me everything I found in my marriage that drove me away is what keeps this woman from committing. It was comforting to know that. I am in a relationship with a great man and I feel validated in it and when he guides me to be a better mom, I don't take it personally like I did with my ex. He's changed me the most and I didn't think I could be changed. We are both on Facebook and on our kids profiles too. My ex doesn't cause me too many problems and we work together as a team but you can always tell when he's disappointed in something when it didn't go like planned and now I hear that's how it is with the other woman. I'm sharing this not looking for an explanation but for others who thought the problem was with themself and find it's with the ex spouse. It takes time but the validation will come.
I work in a profession where it's hard to figure how some have more money than others. There's a woman I work with who is an upscale kind of lady. I am an upscale kind of gentleman but fear she won't want to go out with me because of my profession even though it's the same as hers. I have a second income from a certified profession outside of this field. We talk and joke in the mornings and sometimes I visit her when I have the time and she's on break. Today I found out why the ex isn't a part of her life and it means she's 24/7 mom. I can't imagine the stress and worry if you had this and had some issues with the kids on top of this. I am so impressed by this. She's not an easy person because of what she's experienced. There's a lack of compassion at times and a reality that's so refreshing because it's the truth and she's not afraid to speak it. I read the other man's comment and this woman is like that. She lives what she expects of others and I get to see all of this from a distance. Today, I asked her if she has any special person who she counts on contacting her to put a smile on her face. She told me two people do and one is an ex boyfriend and one doesn't contact her when he's sulking and trying to make a point. She added that the only point being made is he might be too emotionally sensitive instead of real for her. I didn't understand because she didn't call him a boyfriend. My group says she's a private individual about her private life.
Q's:
Should I ask her out and if she says yes, not worry about who else is in her life?
Should I ask and then decide?
Should I take advantage of the one guy sulking or whatever it is?
She's not the easiest but it's so real you have to love it. I think she'd be real with me if I ask.
And, I can completely handle her family and kids. I have none on my own. My friends read your site and told me to ask since this was on exes and that's how the whole ball got rollin'.
Savannah and Readers,
I haven't heard of this many people staying in touch with an ex until I turned in my 40's. I'm years from that day and understand but also would understand if someone explained the length of these ex relationships. I can't see myself worrying about staying in touch with someone or relying on this person when I only dated him for six months maybe even nine months or less.
I called my ex tonight and we talked about raising kids who are older than our friends children. My kids are a little older than hers and she was asking about college advice. She had a lot of questions about why we clicked when it came to the kids and when it came to "pure talking and understanding" as she put it. The question you pose is what to do about the past? I am not sure anything needs to be done. The past might be in the present because the present isn't taking care of itself. She opened up about a situation and a reaction that she wasn't ignoring but instead of the reaction being what a man would've thought it was her reaction-She looks at the person and thinks toughen up and don't blame someone for being honest but caring with a significant part of having an understanding of children. I hung up from this woman and thought about our life together. I always think about our life together and when I see a lack of connecting for her, I think I have a chance. I understand the questions posed in the comment of taking advantage of someone letting someone down. I'm for it. I plan on being there for my ex girlfriend after all I am pretty sure that's what this guy did to me.
My ex wife is making my life miserable. I am getting married again real soon and she's getting in the way. If she succeeds she will get rid of my fiance. For a long time we did keep open the social networking sites to view our kids sites but our kids are over 18 now and we don't need to do this monitoring. I blocked my ex wife from seeing my friends because since she could see mind she could see my fiance's and started slamming her friends. I don't have to deal with my ex now that the kids are in college but when the grandkids come -- I don't know how I deal with it. I know my fiance hasn't thought that far ahead but I do. I'm not asking for a response but thank you for a place to vent and hope that someone might feel the same and could help. Or it's a misery loves company.
Just hung up from my friend who made a prediction that a man wouldn't call her today or try and email her because he's just him according to her.(more to it she explained the more) What I want to know and would like help with is I know this man but he doesn't know I know this woman. She knows but he doesn't. He talks about this woman to his friends at work and to some friends in his social circle. He gets advice but says he keeps things personal and private. I turn to this woman when I'm having troubles with my ex and kids. I also turn to her for advice in dating. So many people are writing in on dealing with someone who is real. I'd like to think we all are but then this friend of mine pointed out that this man's voice and inflection doesn't match what he says he's saying. I've caught it too when I've called him on being this way. My problem is I want to tell him I know her and his pussyness with this situation isn't for her and big mistake not speaking up about something bothering him. He makes faces and can't handle any criticism. I don't take myself so seriously and neither does my friend. My favorite line she said was when her life became an open book to the public, "Now everyone knows what I've always known, my life has never been as rosy as everyone thought and I've certainly had my share to deal with and now everyone knows one more thing I know and that's I'm normal, not perfect, just normal." It was the most freeing statement and when I got divorced I remembered it. But this guy is a control person and can't handle anyone saying you don't know the real world but she said what I've wanted to say but now do I tell him I know her and to get real?
You drop the ex if you don't share kids or money.
To the guy wanting to know about asking out a co-worker...
I'm not big on dating where you work but I'm also not big on being alone the rest of my life. So...if it's really something you think is a go and not some infatuation or attraction, I'd ask her out. It sounds like the other man might be more than a friend but she's being honest with you and she'll probably give you an honest answer. I wouldn't look it at as taking advantage of a situation like the other man below is referring to, I think you are inquiring and gathering info. If she says yes to going out then go.
Savannah Jones
Person above my last comment:
I don't know what I'd say to the guy since you've gone on and on pretending you don't know the woman he talks about. I'm not big on sulkers and not big on people who can't say when their bothered. If you're trying to get that across you can do that without revealing who you know. As far as the quote or statement your friend makes...it is a freeing statement. As a teacher we couldn't wait for a student to sneeze without a tissue just to show her she can handle it and she's normal. Other teacher's who had her hoped in some way she'd mess up on directions at least once to see that it happens and it's okay. However, we also knew that in some way some would judge her but mostly others would start embracing her. Her parents hoped for this as well. We all have something and no one is perfect. I connect more with people because of what I've lived...I also am somewhat detached when a person looks at you like they have all of the answers without some preface. Most of my friends who are quite bright always preface their statements and resolutions to their troubles with ... We'll see because who really knows? Or my favorite, Lord only knows how many times I've misjudged this but I'm going to try it with my kid anyway. Those are the types of people I like to be around. They know it isn't perfect, their not perfect and their kid may be the exception but just in case it's the rule their covered.
I would talk to your friend and ask her if she'd like this revealed but if you're trying to help the guy out by keeping it secret that's an easy hypothetical that could be created to get the point across.
Savannah Jones
Where do I fit this in,
Savannah,
I want my old boyfriend back because of the guy I'm with now. What do I do?
Hello from Russia!
Can I quote a post "No teme" in your blog with the link to you?
Above: Sure...please send where I can find it posted please and if it's my own words please give credit where it's due.
Thank you
Savannah Jones
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