Like many others - I stop at the Starbucks close to my work and make my way in drive thru. The voice comes through the box asking me how my morning is going and when I ask in return, the voice in the box remembers my usual drink and doesn't try to tempt me with anything extra. Our daily five minute relationship started about two years ago when I received my first big gift card. I have seen some employees come and go but many are steadfast and true. This one gentleman in particular, who is a barista, greets me with a smile and this year has added a tag check to the transaction. You see, for those of you who don't know me, I have this terrible habit of having my clothing tag stick out of my shirt by my neck. I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. Each morning if it should be there, this sweet barista reminds me to tuck it in. However, last week there was a delay in processing my order which led to "connecting time". Yes, we did the tag check and then the questions flowed: Do I have kids, do I like my car, where do I work, do I like my job, who is the second drink order for, and what happened to the original tag check guy because last year my tag didn't stick up so much? I was stunned because it was true...the tag guy was no longer around to check my tag and I hadn't even thought about how this Starbucks guy picked up the job since then. The next day I had to go in because the line was too long; my drinks were started right as I was spotted and finished exactly when I reached the cashier. I was asked if I wanted to live on the wild side and try the new Via coffee but my favorite barista negatively shook his head, smiled and said, she likes to have the coffee made just the way she likes it and it would be too much to do with Via...right? This was getting a little creepy to me when he started to rattle off that I like electronics but not the feminine accessories that go with it. I like hot pink but only on certain items, he also noticed that I wear a lot of black and don't like to talk on the cell phone when in the car, used to have a boyfriend who was attentive to my tags, and color my hair about every four weeks. WOW! I've always been surprised by the details people will share with complete strangers and lack the openness in a real ongoing relationship but this was all done by observation. I was asked for confirmation and approvingly gave it. I added that I know he's kind, observant, likes to get to know others, and knows better than to hit on a woman more than 15 years older than him which actually makes him sweet. There are couples who've dated for years who still don't pick up on each other’s nuances and idiosyncrasies. Entering work just a few minutes behind my normal schedule; I was greeted at my door with a concerned co-worker. He was worried something happened since I’m like clockwork and was a little late. I shared this experience with my co-worker who informed me that in the first week of meeting him I knew more about him than his ex wife ever cared to learn in all of the years they'd been married. We all hope to find someone who just gets us and I'm not looking to the much younger barista for this but it was a good reminder that going it alone isn't always the best idea...some days you need a tag checker and someone who just gets you.
©2009 Savannah Jones
October 27, 2009
Let's Talk Over Latte...Literally
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25 comments:
Savannah,
What's sad is the Barista guy is the tag checker who does get you. I'm sure like me, you've met a lot of men who you don't connect with and who wouldn't notice the tag unless it was to point out a flaw to make you uncomfortable. So many men I know make a living paying attention to detail but miss it when it comes to women.
Savannah,
You are a person who brings sunshine when you walk in a room or even talk to the voice in a box. You said, You asked the man how he was doing. That's rare in customers in drive thru. I work in an industry where no one cares about how we are doing and place the order.
Did your tag checker "get you" because you say someday you need both you use the word and. I can't find a man who gets me and a man who is faithful. It doesn't happen for me. How about you?
Savannah,
a routine person is a great person to date and marry. You know what you're getting and what to expect. I don't need a tag checker since I wear button down shirts with the tag sown in what I do need is a woman who gets me. I don't have an iPhone or a navigation system. I have an XM radio and switched to sprint for the droid phones. I have an iPod and drive a mid class vehicle even though I can afford more. I have a mid class house even though I can afford more. My kids are in Ivy League schools and one is in a Junior college. This says a variety of traits about me but women miss it all of the time. Do you believe that a stranger has no vested interest and sees more and a date is thinking of only him or her self?
Now when I pull up to Starbucks I'll be thinking if the cashier is observing and making assumptions about me.
I stop at Starbucks every Saturday and Sunday. I have a laptop and bring my work to have a muffin and coffee. I don't sway from the order. Once I was offered to try a sample and turned it down. A woman made conversation with me over this and I went out with her for a few months. Not a lot in common but an attraction that lasted until it didn't last.
Can a person change? I have a boyfriend that I met this year. I found out that he cheated on his wife and his girlfriends that followed. I've been told he's older now and that's not something he's looking for. Is it something people really look for or does it happen? What do you think about this I know this isn't the topic but need help.
I had a man who got me more than any other man I was with. He cheated on me but I never outted him. He lied to me and got caught over and over. How is this so? How can a man get me more than any other man but lie to me? I have never before been cheated on or lied to about other women and encounters. When someone gets you it's hard to put a price on what matters more- him understanding me or him not lying to me.
I'm not sure you wrote this for responses but I do think you wrote it to point out the value of connecting and someone getting you which I get. I think you wrote this for another reason -- to remind others the importance of being connected to someone who is a tag checker or a spinach in teeth person or shoelace untied, zipper down person. Someone who points out those moments and fixes the problem while setting your mind at ease instead of belittleing. I like the article
I have these same experiences when I meet people. My opinion is I have the personality that attracts others to me. Happy people are attracted to happy people. I am a motivator and a leader. It draws people in. In return you have experiences that other people will never have and it's a gift.
Have you ever watched commercials with couples in the clip? I watch these wishing even a man like the Starbucks man would care that much about me. I watched a commercial and it made me call my old boyfriend. It was a Sandals commercial and I asked him to go travel with me. He agreed to it. He is the one who gets me and we travel alike. We didn't renew a relationship but enjoyed passion and travel and went back to our regular life when we returned. It's possible to do and to keep someone in your life.
Person number 4,
I do think having a vested interest makes a difference but not less of one as far as knowing about someone. When you are in a service industry, people personality is a plus and so is being observant about your customer. I do think if you come across someone daily as I do, you start to care about the person or become curious. There's a familiar feeling even though in a sense you are really strangers. In dealing with what you have commented on regarding yourself, I'm not a mind reader and don't know you. I would say you're practical and education is important even though one of your kids is taking a path that will eventually lead to a four year college (I'm guessing here) you have imparted the importance of education and seeing a dream or goal through.
Savannah Jones
Person number 7,
I don't have the answer to this one and I'm not sure anyone can offer you a gurantee it won't happen with someone who has cheated in the past. I've often thought the older a man or woman gets, that kind of behavior would fall by the wayside but I can't say that's held true in my own personal experience. The whole thing is exhausting to me. You asked if people look for this opportunity...I have no idea on this either - I know that situations can occur that start out innocently but then change. It doesn't mean someone has to act on it but I know some do and are open to it. Does it mean the person went looking for it? I don't know that it's true 100% of the time. But, we do have the ability to say no just as much as we can say yes.
Savannah Jones
Savannah,
I am in love with my neighbor. We see each other daily at the mail stop and daily in the morning when we both are out for our morning walks but by ourselves. We are friends but keep a line drawn that we don't cross. Our kids are the same age and we have the same custody schedule. He's home alone when I'm home alone and I dream about going over and talking to him about getting together. Does anyone including you - savannah have any advice. He is my neighbor and worried about crossing the line.
This weekend I went to the local Borders to read and have coffee. I talk to the same man every weekend who probably thinks I"m a loser. I feel like a loser when this is my life. Borders on Friday, Starbucks on Saturday and local Zoo on Sunday. It's my routine and I look forward to seeing the people that work in these places. The man at Borders and I connect every Friday but he doesn't ask me out. What's up with this please help. I am attracted to him and don't understand.
Dating my neighbor:
Part One,
I live in a neighborhood filled with married people. I'm single and the woman next to me is single. We have dated, which started as a one night stand. We were at a neighborhood block party when she had a little too much to drink. We'd flirt and she was in a relationship. The relationship had just ended around the time of the party. I'd like to pretend she was into me but it was the alcohol that unleashed this woman onto me. I went ahead with it. What else was I to do? The next day in daylight in the house right next to me stood the woman I had a one night stand with. I didn't get my newspaper and I barely walked my dog. I didn't see her until she blatenly washed her car out in the daylight. I thought what nerve. She was fine with it so I went over to her and we talked. She said I was the best kisser and she wanted to know when she could have more. I wasn't expecting this and told her she could right then if she came inside. We should have talked things over more before we headed down this road. I am not an expressive man and she's great at talking about her feelings when approached but usually needs to be approached. It's too easy to have your friend right next to you and even if you don't want to you still want to. It's comforting but she got back with her old boyfriend and I was hurt. I had to look at that car everyday. I found out later that if I didn't see the car it was still there but in the garage.(even worse) Her relationship ended with the man and we are still friends with an attraction. We act on it occasionally and it's fine for now. I will want more some day with her but I think she will with me too. Kids get in the way of getting together for more intimate times but we find them. Kids go to bed early, excuse to be in one another's home but we do hide it from the kids...Kookoochikoo
Sleepless in Seatle is what this sounds like. I sleep with my neighbor because he's my husband. My husband and I met as neighbors but due to the kids and being rooted in the neighborhood with a stable foundation and not wanting to freak out the children in ages from teens to preteens, we kept separate houses. I am a stay at home mom with teens and my husband supports both houses. We sleep together most nights at my house since I always have my kids. We have dinners together and the kids get along but we do have different lives due to the kids. This was the best idea we could come up with. I lost child support many years prior and stability was the first and foremost issue for my children. There dad forfeited his rights and so here we are. We are lucky to find a man who wanted us to have our own life and provide for us while we share in his. We don't have the normal roles and responsibilities but it's fine. Sometimes I call and role play that I need some help changing a light bulb...euphamism for sex. I say go for it, you have nothing to lose. We get rejected all of the time in life but the one time we hit it, it's worth it.
To in love with my neighbor,
I'm not sure I can offer advice, but I can offer a perspective. I live in a fairly large neighborhood, and by different paths, have dated or become close to, at different times of course, a couple of the neighbors. Two of them lived on different blocks, so it was easier not to think about them dating other after we stop dating (although I've stayed friends with both and see them on occasion).
Another did live closer to me, and I do pass their house regularly. That can certainly be more challenging emotionally. Close proximity means you see them, whether you want to or not. If they have someone over (or you do), everyone is going to know. There can be a real issue with losing your "privacy zone".
On the other hand, being close means it can be easier to find little snatches of time to get to know each other. It might be that the two of you would be a great fit, and could give things a real run together. If you never try, you'll never know. On the other hand, if things don't work out...maybe you'll be able to stay friends, but maybe one of you will find it difficult to remain so close. That's the fear.
If you do decide to date, and that's really up to the two of you, I'd recommend you have a candid conversation, maybe talk about some "ground rules", and see if that might work for you. You also need to have a good idea of whether you can live with it if it doesn't work out. It's kinda like one of the old rules for investing in stocks...if you can't sleep at night becuase you might lose too much money tomorrow, then maybe you shouldn't be investing your money there.
Nosey neighbor
Okay Miss I go to Borders, Starbucks, and the Zoo (by the way I love the zoo) Make yourself available. Find out what's up in this guy's life. Some people are emotionally unavailable, others are waiting for a sign and surely there are some who just aren't interested. Your job is to find out which one he is. If he's open then ask him to meet somewhere different and see. When I was in college and after I hung out with a group of friends and we had our places that we'd go. If a guy liked me; he always knew where I would be. It was a way to connect to me without investing anything therefore not losing anything. I decided to change my course for a couple of weeks...and a guy I was interested in asked me out. He hadn't "run" into me and wanted some time to himself to get to know me. He asked my friends for my number. In your case that won't be so easy because he'd have to know how to reach you but it's possible to him this is his way of knowing where you will be so he shows up. Try it out, ask him what's up and see where it goes.
Good Luck!
Neighbor Person,
That's a tough line to decide to cross...it depends what your heart is made of. Besides the fact that death and taxes are inevitable, so is heartache and so is love at some point or another. I work with a woman who moved in with her neighbor and it didn't work out. They still live in the same apartment complex but different sides of the place. I also work with another woman who married her neighbor so it's a toss up to me. Privacy is an issue especially should you choose to not be exclusive for awhile but I've been single for a long enough time to know that stuff happens and as hard as it is; you have to know that at least an effort was made. I guess one way of thinking of this is if you don't make the attempt will you kick yourself later?
Savannah,
You once asked me what would I do if I wasn't afraid of failing? Money was more of what held me back from doing what I wanted more than any other fear. Love was and is something I throw myself into heart and all. That's my advice to the woman with the Borders issue and the woman with the neighbor issue - do it even though you are afraid of failing. You only have one shot at times and this might be it. What are you afraid of?
Right now I'm watching my old girlfriend hammer out a project alone in a coffee shop. I am outside enjoying the fresh air alone. I look at her and want to kiss her and hold her. I also wonder what she's doing alone in this coffee shop at such an hour of night. There's a man who I saw try and make small talk with her and she did her usual kind smile but kind brush off goes with it. Connecting over coffee is easy for some but for us we connected over music, interests, hobbies and a love for philosophy and understanding of the spiritual world. There will always be a connection because we both know how to make each other feel it even if not present. Talking over latte can happen at anytime, watching from this distance is a moment.
I could never ever ever date my single neighbor. I don't look the same without make up and I've seen him in swim trunks. Nicest man, small male private part. He's never seen me without the make up and I don't think he'd like me.
What in the world is a block party?
You go girl ( Savannah ) You told someone we have the ability to say no as much as yes to cheating. I don't know why a man I used to date was a weak individual and couldn't tell women no or not now. It effects the relationship the guy is currently in and makes it end anyway and for what so that relationship could end to?
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