So the question of marriage came up...no not a proposal but just the question of marriage. Actually, it was a whole lot of questions about the institution, do I believe I'll marry again, the age gap, what I'd be willing to settle for, how to talk things out in a heated moment of stress, and what are my expectations? I looked at the seeker of truth and replied, "Have you ever felt that one day it's just going to happen when you least expect it and somehow the timing will be right and it will work because we'll make it work?" The inquisitive person looked stunned and asked me if I really believe this and well...there are those times when I just do. The more I read the comments on my site; especially the ones about understanding each other, respecting each other and being there for one another regardless of differences, I have hope. But really I also have this sense that the time will come and when it's right it will be right. I've looked for love online, through fix ups, and an occasional run in that turned into more than a date. I have been in love, lost at love, and had to let love go at what has so far been the hardest time in my life. If there's two things I've learned; there's more to this than making yourself available and more to it than love. But, it's that love that makes you want to work at it. The age gap - which we've covered on here before was asked a bit differently...It was more about having a lifetime of things in common with someone older but knowing that statistically you possibly will have only 20 good years at the most together and be alone again. Twenty to me is a long time...hell, I'd be happy for ten real good years if it's going to be the love of a lifetime. The wisdom hunter had another question for me regarding stress and what's the best time to talk with me about relationship issues? The curious one found that rollerblading made it easy to talk out the issues. I find that a nice brisk walk is always good for relieving the stress and talking about the issues at hand even if it's freezing cold, the conversation can warm things up a bit. Looking back at the conversation, I always smile because it was refreshing to talk with someone who could be so openly honest about their worries for the future, thoughts about life, thoughts on who they are, cared to hear the real thoughts I have, and could talk without walls. All in good time I thought :)
What are your thoughts?
©2009 Savannah Jones
September 2, 2009
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31 comments:
What are my thoughts? Girls have a sense of something greater out there compared to me. I feel you have to work at it all and you have to never give up and not give it a rest. All of these men and women who are finding out who they are drive me crazy. It also is why I'm single never married. I don't relate to this. I don't have kids so it's me and me.
This comes at the right time in the string of articles. Marriage is something you probably want but also believe that if you go about your life and get it the way you want it, the rest will come too. I think that about myself. Savannah, I do feel that one day it will happen. The more I tried to make it happen the more I was exhausted. I concentrate on me and my kids these days and if I find someone then it will be right I just know it will. I also want to thank you for writing this and being honest with strangers because feeling this feeling isn't an understood feeling by most people.
Savannah,
Nice writing about how you looked for love and had to give love up once you found it. Please tell me how you stay positive. I hope it's not a religious thing because I'm not religious but how do you do it? I'm a mess sometimes when I'm alone and realize I might always be alone. My kids are in college and soon to graduate high school. I'm going to be alone but I won't settle for anyone who comes along. Sometimes I think I should but then I think that's still like being alone. I hope you'll share your secret and thank you for sharing this.
What's it like to let love go during a rough patch? I am switching jobs and moving up in the field but I have a lot of work and more responsibilities. I have to say goodbye to the man I am with because he doesn't understand and I don't have that kind of time that he wants.
I never thought about doing some activitiy to talk things out. It's a nice idea and probably makes it better when you're thinking on your feet.
So, Savannah dear,
Do you think you'll ever remarry or are you someone who once is enough?
You'd marry someone older? How much older? I am dating a man 16 years older than I am. I am more in love with him everyday and want to get married. I didn't think I'd want that. I think he's afraid that he'll be too old for me in years to follow. You never said what you'd be willing to settle for. Why settle?
At first I wanted to say how dumb that you had to learn that love isn't enough but then I rememberd that I married in my twenties for love and married my best friend who I am now divorced from and can't stand because love wasn't enough to keep him on the straight path and love wasn't enough to keep me there to put up with him. I suppose it's what you mean. I have dated so many people for years and I gave up looking. I read this and think that if I don't look I might have a better chance but what to do in the meantime? I will be bored if I'm not looking for someone. I don't like to be alone.
Savannah,
You say you appreciate the no walls conversation. I appreciate the same. I try to open doors with an old boyfriend and we never closed the door completely. He can't talk without walls and then you can't get in and know him. He says I can't talk without walls but he doesn't answer any questions.
God makes sure to help you out when you aren't looking he gives you things and will hand you the right person at the right time. I don't believe each person is meant for us to marry. Different people hold different reasons for being in our life. Some aren't meant to stay in it. I like that you feel it might happen. I don't think you mention the word feel in many of your srticles. I'm a regular to your site. I'm not the friend or someone you know but I do come here to read and get my mind opend. You usually say you think or believe but feel hasn't shown up much in your writing. I'm not presuming you are an unfeeling person because to do this you have a lot of feelings and empathy but I noticed it.
Do you think there's some grand plan and all of our looking is a waste of time? I feel that way sometimes and think that no matter what I do I won't have a say when it will happen. Guys hold the key to asking for marriage and that makes me crazy because I find every man that wants to be with me but won't marry me. My friends find the same. We know all the non-commital guys out there. Do you look back at the loves you let go and think you should be with them? I do this and I don't sleep over it.
Third person:
I'm not a "religious person" but I do have a philosophy of life and I do believe there's being in touch with whatever it is that's part of the universe connecting all of the dots if you keep your eyes open to receiving the message. In other plain words...there's a reason for everything if you want to find it. Anyone can look at tragedy as tragic and only see it that way. Have you ever been around a hospital, funeral, disaster area? People come together and people care for random people and their best usually comes out during bad times. It isn't all doom and gloom. I'm not saying you shouldn't acknowledge tragedy by all means you need to grieve but it is helpful when the process is over to look at what doors opened up after the fact. As far as being positive that someone will be in my life again. I feel that life is a series of stepping stones and well, one could say I've climbed a whole bunch of stepping stones and I'm working on things right now that doesn't have to do with a romantic relationship. It's where I'm needed and where I belong right now and when the time is right, I will recognize what might be in front of me at that time. I do believe there's a plan but I also believe you have to be able to see it and get yourself there.
Savannah Jones
Fourth Person:
Rough patches are a test in relationships. If this is someone you want to marry one day, you need to work on things together and find compromises that might work. Right now it seems to be your time where someone needs to understand your situation and maybe has to bend and be patient and that will free up some stress to allow you to be there later. Letting love go isn't easy but like I said above, it sometimes opens your eyes to things you wouldn't have seen otherwise. I think back to a time where I wanted to be married not too long after I was divorced and had we gone ahead with it, I think we'd have been just fine but I also think that if time is an indicator - one of us was growing and continuing to want more from life and the other was wanting life just like it was. I like my life and there's been so many changes in it and looking back it would have been survival of the fittest and it seems I came out of that still standing. Albeit alone but still standing. I think that says a lot about a relationship. Letting go of anything is hard but sometimes it's just for the best.
Savannah Jones
Remarry question:
Yes, I hope to be married again. Once wasn't enough because it didn't work out.
Savannah
Marrying someone older/settling...
I don't know how much older but I would have a hard time dating someone 20 years older and fifteen would really be pushing it because I'm more energetic and like to get out and be active...my dog alone might give an older man a scare. I like to be with my kids so I also would want someone who would like to have the kids around. As far as would I settle...interesting idea. My needs change and I have many interests. I've found I may find some of it in different people but it would need to be the right mix. We all don't get everything we want now do we?
Savannah
This has been a real honest approach to answering questions and you have it right that a lot of people don't get down to being real. Lots of people say someone has walls when it's projecting their own walls onto someone else. I've tried to have these conversations with people but they have a persona they want other people to see. They play the guy who can't get the girl and act in a way that makes you feel sorry for him and also makes you hope you're the one, but doesn't reveal much. Another guy wants to be the my dog guy. The dog is the only one that loves him and if only he could find a girl who loves him like his dog. I can't get a straight answer from any guy when I ask these questions.
I try to make up for all of the mistakes I made in my marriage. I also try and find someone who appreciates me more than my ex husband. Problem- I keep trying to one up him and each time I meet someone he has something more than the previous guy so I don't have very meaningful relationships. When I've tried to have marriage talks with any of the guys, it goes south. I don't add up and I need to be more like I said I'd be, but guys change that in a woman. We want to give the guy what he says he wants but when we do it, we aren't the woman they are attracted to anymore.
I'm a believer Savannah, I don't tell guys this because the guys will think I'm waiting for a sign from above instead of from the guy but I am really a believer in waiting it out and letting life bring it to me. I think we have to step aside even though I'm not religious I think it will happen too.
Real thoughts is what I'm looking for. You find this a problem and so do I. I'm tired of people telling me what I want to hear, dating me for years, and then tell me something else. Why not be truthful in the first place?
Have you ever had a conversation where divorce came up and how did you or would you handle that? My co workers who are divorced were going on and on about having the space to do what they wanted. Then they talked about their nice king size beds they have to themselves and how nice it is to not be criticized by a man and how nice it is to not be told that they didn't measure up. My marriage is having some stress on it and divorce was sounding really good after listening to the ladies. I said that out loud and one told me to stay married because my husband is having a rough time but through it all she pointed out all of the good and it outweighed the problems in the long run. I guess that's what I'm supposed to focus on. One co worker's ex was an alcoholic and the other one was in a lot of trouble and a holic of some kind I think. It makes sense why they left their ex husbands but does it always have to make sense?
Savannah,
Where does that kind of thinking lead a man who wants to reunite with his past girlfriend? One woman thinks you should step aside and then the person will show up. You sound like you wouldn't want anyone from your past but believe someone new will show and that will be the one. If I'm from the past and a woman subscribes to the thinking you have and others on here, then how can I prove I am the one and I came back for her because that's the way it is supposed to be. I want to make it right and I've mellowed enough to know that I want her. I'm angry with her at times and will take it out on her if we talk. When we communicate by email I flirt and let her know I care and want her back. She handles me very carefully in her responses. Never letting me down hard but never letting me come back. She shares more about herself through the emails and I do the same. In some ways I'm learning more about her and how she's changed. She's doing the same with me she said. If I ask her out she'd say no but if I'm really the one, how will it happen if she keeps staying away and will only talk to me on the phone?
A rollerblader like you Savannah but you'd prefer to walk? I moved back to my home in another state to get closer to a woman I loved and still do but I came back to help her through a hard time. I found out she was alone and trying to take care of things and I wanted to be there for her. She's the same woman I moved away from. I had visions of reuniting and becoming a family when I returned. I assumed too much in my own fantasy. When I moved and saw what had gone on in my absence, I knew this wasn't the time for a relationship, it's a time for a friend. We've been friends with benefits but not. She likes me and I love her. If she has a drink or two then I am loaded with kisses that are passionate. If not, I get the cold shoulder. I take the approach that she's got things to do and when she's ready, I'll be here and the time will be right. I see her coming around and flirting with me more without the drinks. She's starting to exercise with me and asking me to hang out with her and her kids. She's trying but I'm letting it happen on it's own. If it doesn't I have a wonderful friend.
I want to walk back into a woman's life and tell her I'm sorry for what I said. I'm not looking to make a relationship out of this but I need to do it. If she's been waiting for this will she start holding a torch for me do you think? I want to say I'm sorry but that's it. I worry that if she's been hoping I will walk in her life, my apology will let her down.
I talked with this woman who has an interesting point of view of relaltionships and is funny and fun to talk with about relationships. I wanted to make her laugh today and smile but one thing I learned about her today is she's very intelligent. I also found out she's looking around at life but isnt' dating. She's got the hots for a man and I think he could return the feeling. I'm puzzled about her being able to hold back her sexual feelings. I'm a man and curious about this. Do all women do this if it's necessary to avoid distraction? She's a sexual woman in her mannerisms. She has a hot body. I don't know how she doesn't want to have sex while she waits to get her life together.
Dude,
did you ask the woman if she has sex? maybe she does and it isn't with you. Not everyone has to have sex even if the person comes off as sexual.
Off topic but a topic nonetheless,
Pop up caught eye and it said I'm compatable with my ex girlfriend. I sent it to her and she responded that it's too bad I didn't recognize some of those qualitites while together. I'd point out those qualities of favor all the time when we broke up she said. It's true that's when I would miss her the most and remember why I fell in love with her. She's insightful, a mental challenge with emotional intelligence and smarts along with awareness. It's a bombshell combination mixed with inner beauty and happiness. My question- We were a loving couple with great sex. I miss that sex. I miss her and want her back. She sent me to this site awhile back and I check in at various times. Men aren't perfect and we don't know how to show our feelings some times but how do I get her back in my life again?
Carry torch person: I have no idea what correspondance you've had with this woman and I think that makes some difference as to how she'll respond. She could be off and married or dating since you didn't mention any timeframe. If you need to say you're sorry then say it but I'd be careful to not leave out that you are also not wishing to start anything new or pick up where you left off. Let her know you mean both the apology and the lack of willingness to be more. I had someone who literally showed up at my house almost 6 months from the time I stopped seeing him. He wanted to apologize for something and to let me know he didn't want a relationship but just cared to tell me this. I was on the phone with my then boyfriend when there was this knock on my door - it wasn't hard to explain the truth but one would have to admit it seemed strange. For a couple of days I was asked about the past relationship and why I thought this man suddenly felt apologetic? I had to do a lot of reassuring and validating feelings. It would have been much better had he not intruded on my life to say he was sorry. Ironically, he was feeling the karma bite and thought it would be wise to apologize. He could have mailed me a letter to get that off his chest. Keep this in mind, you are assuming this person still wants you and her life may have moved on.
Savannah Jones
Savvy,
How funny is this? I am googling my problem in my relationship that I talked to you about for hours. What comes up? Your site does and it reminds me how many other people are in the same mess. You gave me good advice but I have this question for your readers who I think are like me. Why when we know what we need to to to make things right in our own life and we are hurting so so bad being in a bad relationship that letting it go is so hard? My relationship sucks and I'm miserable and looking for a way out but Savvy told me that since I've been trying to find my way out for six months and haven't done it, plus I've been a "total participant" in this relationship as Savvy says meaning I make sure we see each other and talk and continue to be together but I am really miserable with him. I get depressed and upset and even though I'm told I need to get out and have been given ways to do it. I can't do it. The more miserable I am, the more I try and see him. Savvy says this is co-dependency so I'm asking anyone else out there how do you deal with this codependancy and how do you make it not hurt so bad? Savvy, I know you're right and I had you so worried that you had to be very honest about what this relationship is doing to me and what it's turned me into and that was really appreciated but maybe someone who's been there can tell me how to get out of this?
You need to go to a co dependent support group and start there. I did it and it helped me. I still wouldn't be able to resist the charms but it helped me stop seeing him and it helped me to stop being an active participant. "Savvy" was right about pointing out that when you ask to see him and go out with you you need to take responsibility for being miserable. These kind of relationships don't change and usually are self destructive. Been there done that and you need to Google for a support group near you and then do everything you can to resist his charms. He will be charming the more you pull aaway.
Hey I feel really bad for you because I have been there too. It's really hard when you love someone but they have an unhealthy hold on you. Co dependent is a good word for this and it's not all your fault a lot of men and even women know how to manipulate a person so he or she becomes dependant on them and then need them and can't let go while the other person goes on and lives a life while yours stops. You crave this person like a person craves and addiction. The best place for you is with a psychologist not a counseling group. It's about changing behaviors not just thinking about it. Somehow these people get a hold of us and we can't let go but keep in mind neither can they. That's what drives us and when one of you can break away the other starts hurting like you are their oxygen. It's strange but it's common.
savannah once told me something that has stuck with me for a long long time.
I told her that I couldn't let someone go because it would kill me to never have him again. She said in some ways by not letting him go I wasn't really living. I'm not a recovered co dependent person but everyday I try my best to be better than the day before. What is hard is knowing that I was self reliant before I met this man in my life and somehow someway he made me less of a person over time and I let him but don't even know how it happened. It was slow but it happened and it takes me everyday to fight the fight to call him, to want him, to reach out to him. It's a good idea to call a friend or find a hobby or go to a meeting when you can't stop yourself from going by his house or calling him.
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