Are you in a relationship where your partner has repeatedly said, " Whatever you want, I'm just along for the ride"? Some people are passive aggressive but others really do mean that they just will follow you and tag along while you do the decision making, planning, and see whatever it is you want to see. I know a lack of mind reading capabilities is a big complaint in relationships...many wish that they didn't have to communicate their needs but have their needs met by some form of ESP. We accept when it doesn't happen but what if it isn't happening because the man/woman is really just in it so you can give them something to do, some form of existence, some way of having a life without taking charge and responsibility of where it's going? The question, "What is a take charge person" came up in previous comments. I used to think that most people are take charge people. The workplace is a perfect atmosphere to find out that isn't so. In personal relationships there are those who want someone who is just along for the ride because they want their life to be the one that doesn't change and is and will remain in the forefront. However, these people may appear to be passive and accommodating by saying, "Whatever you want, I'll do" and possibly mean it. Or, they might be passive aggressive and upset that you know them so well, but didn't choose something that represents their internal wishes. This person might even go so far as to make it a miserable moment to punish you for not quite getting it. So what is it then about a "Take Charge" person that women were looking for, did these women want to be along for the ride or did they want a man who helped make decisions and share the load? While I can't answer for those who want a take charge guy without explanation, I will say that I think sharing the load in decision making, vacation planning, entertainment activities, and everyday life events and problems is important. I was asked to evaluate why I thought a woman didn't want a man who was so accommodating that it drove her crazy. I know you're thinking this has nice guy syndrome written all over it, and maybe it is a fraction of that problem; although from my vantage point what I saw was someone who never shared control of the reigns so the relationship was beginning to feel like a chore for one. A woman asked me, "Can you make someone be a take charge person?" I don't have all of the answers and I know this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that by communicating your needs and wants you give a person the chance to change or improve. There's also a part of me that as much as I know that's a start, there's women who need the take charge personality to be a part of who the man is because having to communicate all of this still ultimately keeps the woman in charge and initiator of discussions and more.
What are your thoughts?
©2009 Savannah Jones
September 19, 2009
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26 comments:
I lost a woman to a take charge guy. It mattered more to her than values and morals. In retrospect I understand now. The moral problem only happened a very few times compared to 365 days of taking charge of the things that mattered to her.
Power is seductive and a take charge guy who makes your wishes come true is intoxicating. This kind of man doesn't ask permission to help, he takes charge, does his research and presents the case. I love take charge men and am easily seduced by them.
Savannah,
I have no respect for a man who doesn't take charge and is along for the ride. He's the man who asks you what's up for the weekend and follows along. You are the one in charge and it's tiring.
You can't make a man a take charge man but you can make a woman a take charge woman she'll resent you but you can try.
I agree with the second person who wrote in. Power is a choice on likes and dislikes on Match.com. I think a powerful man is the most sexy aspect of a man.
Following a man or a woman is passive behavior. There's women and men who are in charge all day long and want to come home to someone else who takes charge but those types of people need to relinquish control if it happens and withhold any comments if it's not the way they'd take charge.
HELP!!
I ave been dating my boyfriend now for 6 months, we love each other dearly and have spoke about our future together and even getting married. Problem is he has a 9 month old daughter who he adores and wants to spend lots of time with but his ex has said she doesn't want me anywhere near her and that if he wants to spend anytime with his daughter or have her overnight then it has to be on her say so and she always has to be there even if it means him staying over and spending 24/7 in his ex's company to see his daughter! Its starting to cause major arguements between us and I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel. Anyone any suggestions on how to deal with this matter accordingly?
GG
The woman I'd like a relationship with is still involved with her ex boyfriend. Not sexually involved but involved. He takes over her financial affairs and career decisions. She lets him do it so I don't understand where it is going to stop with him. If this is the type of guy she wants I can be that guy but not if he's around. Any suggestions?
Savannah,
There's a man that wrote in about having the ability to take charge but blames the ex boyfriend for why he hasn't. How do you feel about that? I'm a caring and take charge ex boyfriend who made mistakes in a relationship but it didn't change how much I love the woman and want her to be taken care of when needed. If she mentions she's wanting something I still make sure it can happen with my help. I wouldn't be allowed to do this if ANY man was in her life taking charge when she expresses her wishes and desires. I know she's experiencing job dissatisfaction. If she's expressed this to me, she's expressed this to others. Who is helping her get her ducks in a row for a new job? Me!...Why? Because, no one else in her life is stepping up to help her but if I wanted to dig deeper, I'd assume that these men her life, have no idea who she is and what areas of life she struggles and why she does. We picked each other up in the areas we weren't strong. We spoke the same language. The man who wrote in should consider that it's not the ex boyfriends fault, it's something lacking within.
To GG,
Please elaborate because I have a visitation rights order and my baby is young - 10 months. I wouldn't be happy if my ex brought a woman around my baby in these early years. I think around three years of age is okay to spend numerous hours with a child but it's really weird and a little strange that the woman would want the guy to stay at her house if it's really over. Are you sure the man isn't just saying this is the way it is to spend more time as a family even though it's over? If he isn't happy about the situation then he should get a visitation order. In some states it's called a parenting plan.
The man above GG,
I am in 100% agreement with you! I know only one or two "take charge" kind of men. I know that if I just mention something as a thought, there's an immediate helpful response. More than the typical- here if you need help let me know, or good luck with that approach but a real answer and plan. Comments are followed up with questions and a true caring nature. Also like you were saying there's a language or way of truly communicating that comes through. I've often wondered why it is that only happens with certain people but it is what draws people together. I also agree with you that if the boyfriend was able to fulfill this part in the woman's life, she wouldn't be allowing another man to help. It's a true fact of life that sometimes a person has to do what a person has to do to get things done. Man above, you didn't mention if the woman you help also returns the favor when and if you need? I am assuming there's an understanding that even though you both aren't together, you will be there to help if needed. Most loving relationships end with that much in tact at least.
Savannah Jones
GG,
I've answered your question in the right post that you posted your comment. I did ask some people their thoughts and it seemed to be mostly the same response... A parenting plan would be a good idea and if it can't be agreed upon then a court appointed person can get involved and help mediate this. I would say that everyone I asked agreed that if they were in these shoes, it would be uncomfortable having an ex spend the night to see the kids even if the kids were babies.
Savannah Jones
GG,
It's a nice gesture to want to be a part of this baby since you love the father and it's nice that the father wants to be with the baby all of the time, but what wicked idea to spend the night at the ex's in order to see the baby. I'm a mom and I got divorced when I was pregnant. A mom needs to not feel threatened by another woman being with her baby. It's too stressful and the baby will feel it too. Momma bears are protective and women in general smell when someone new is around. If a visitation plan was in place it would give you time alone with your boyfriend and him time alone with his baby. if you live together or are engaged that's an appropriate time to be around the baby as a family off three not four (ex) I don't care for my ex so I wouldn't want him around me when he's with my kids. Maybe there's an alterier motive involved llike maybe she wants him back or just away from you. Do you have kids?
Take charge guys are far and few between but when you find one it's the most wonderful thing that could happen to you as long as take charge isn't a control issue. When I compared my take charge ex boyfriend with a friends ex boyfriend who took charge, my ex was more controlling and less caring about others. There's a selfish approach to her issue and a kinder one with me. Take charge is good but the necessary componant is communication working back and forth in an easily understood way where both go about life the same way with the same intensity or understanding. I believe that opposites might attract but shouldn't marry. Like hearted and minded people are better suitors.
I agree with the number three comment. Have we dated the same guy who doesn't take charge. I feel like I'm his mother. By the way Savannah, your site was plugged on Sirius Radio on a talk show. This take charge column was a topic of discussion.
How can morals and values not weigh out over taking charge? The first person who wrote in is crazy to say he understands this. I don't understand this. If I was with someone who morally didn't do something right, then how does that weigh in as less than taking charge?
I am not sure what some of you are contemplating when you think of what types of behaviors are attributed to the "take-charge" guy. (Give us an example of the ultimate take-charge guy, would it be someone like Donald Trump?) I know that as a guy, I certainly wouldn't want to date a take-charge woman!
Savannah,
Yes, this woman would make herself available for me and my children if either of us should need her help. In her own way she still helps. We keep in touch and if I tell her about something, she has a way of finding loop holes, observing the not so obvious in the words, and deciphering kid speak. Her way is tactful but to the point and on the mark. I don't know if there's a way to put it into words, but communicating and understanding on the same page is the most important aphrodesiac I can think of. Sharing experiences and a flow in the talk is integral to bonding. This woman and I were able to do this and I know the other men in her life are not succeeding in this. She asks questions of my children to get to know them, really know them. I told my kids she really cares about them and wants to know as much about their world as she could. I explained it was a great trait to care that much. My kids couldn't wait for her questions and saw it as a sign of love. She thanked me recently for presenting her love to my kids and for my kids by explaining this in this way instead of pointing out that she does ask these questions. Kids pick up on what their parents want them to but may answer falsly because it's what the parent wants to hear. I can tell she starting to miss me because I'm starting to take charge and others in her life don't know how.
Is take charge equal to caring for someone?
Do you have to pay the courts for a parenting plan to be placed? When my boyfriends ex first found out about us she wished us all the luck in the world and I did meet the young child involved she even stayed over at mine as my boyfriend has practically moved in with me then all of a sudden she changed and started making things very difficult for us and she even gave my boyfriend an ultimatum of the child or me then she changed her mind and said she just doesn't want me anywhere near the child and if he wants to see his daughter then it would be with her and when she is around. I do have a daughter also who is now 3 and she totally adores my boyfriends daughter too. The situation is causing so many arguements and I think she is doing all of this as she doesn't want my boyfriend to move on with his life.
GG
No taking charge isn't equal to caring for someone. I don't believe you have to care for a person to take charge of stuff. My team leader takes charge of everything so we don't look bad in the eyes of the boss. She cares about us but we are a team if one of us falls short we all fall short and that means she does too. She explained this to us at the beginning and assured us we won't look bad but we have to meet deadlines and stop complaining about it, accept it, and move on. I've never seen a person do this or say this with such finesse before her. I think that's a take charge person who cares but maybe cares about the whole group not deeply caring. She's a caring person in the personal sense and we love her for that but in the work world she's take charge in a kind but firm way. That's why she's the leader. In my simple words Stuff happens and gets completed with her taking charge. She also is there for anyone as a friend but will listen and guide not take over and doesn't get upset if you don't follow her advice. As a leader we know to follow because she knows what she's doing.
Take charge guy makes the plans, makes sure it happens and you don't have to worry if your honeymoon is happening or double check it because that's a take charge guy. He does what he should do and doesn't leave it up to the woman to take care of him.
GG,
I know that a parenting plan can be filed with the courts and I'm assuming there's a filing fee. I don't know what state you live in but where I live, there's a children and family agency that is state run and offers such services at $25.00/hour. I don't know what type of quality or with what speed things are taken care of but it is a place to start if money is an issue. Keep in mind that both parties need to agree to the parenting plan in order for it to be filed. In some cases I know a judge got involved to make sure this plan was in the best interest of the child.
I can't speculate as to why your boyfriend's ex is acting the way she is as I don't know her side of the story but divorce, separation with children involved can be a difficult and evolving situation. Do some searching online regarding the laws in your state. I found that www.findlaw.com is often accurate regarding family law and citing case law.
Savannah Jones
Once a woman called me a take charge kind of guy. I was holding the plane tickets, her license, her luggage, and planned the trip with her by my side. She was having a tough time accepting me holding her belongings because she was used to taking care of everything. In my own opinion, I think take charge means acting like an adult and in some cases the parent. Women are tired of being with men who act like kids and just use words. Words that sound like he wants to take charge but wanting to and doing so are two different aspects of taking care of someone. When this woman called and was upset about her job, I didn't ask her what she needed, I told her we'll meet and work it out. I told her where/when and a plan was put in place to help her figure it all out. I listened but I put it all together with her involved. I didn't control the situation to my favor as some are believing a take charge person does. I helped her take control and showed her the way. That's taking charge.
In my reality, a take charge guy in my life enables me to do my best. I don't have to make sure he's taking care of the responsibilities, he does and I take care of my side. He takes charge by making sure if there's a problem in my life or our life, he takes care of it and helps me.
Sometimes taking charge is empowering others and doing so by teaching them the way.
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