Dealing with the ex's new life and partners...

You have an issue with your ex regarding the kids and how to schedule day care, after school care, rules, privileges, boundaries, respect and more. You hang up the phone and share your frustrations about your ex with your partner. He/she has great ideas or just listens and will let you vent. How much involvement does your partner have in the real daily life issues with your kids and your ex? How much do you think they should have? Knowing that your ex might hang up the phone and talk behind your back to a person who has stepped into the role you no longer share directly with your ex might change how you deal with your ex. Maybe you take on more than you should in order to curb bad mouthing situations. You might try and place your ex in a position to push his/her buttons so the new partner can see your ex at their worst. You also might decide to do what's best for your children overall as usual, but is involving the new partner also a good idea? The easy answer - whatever the two families decide is best is what's best. I believe that part to be true but I also see a different side. Have you ever wondered who is spending time with your kids when you aren't there? You wonder about your kids friends and who they have as teachers. You want to make sure that everyone who has some length of time with your kids is a good influence so why not get to know the other half? Some figure that this person won't have a say in your kids upbringing but do you really know how your ex has reached their decisions? Maybe the decisions are made with the influence of this other person. How does your ex spend time with the kids when their partner is present? Is time really being spent blending? Is the relationship your ex is having a positive example of two people in love as well as a positive example of conflict resolution between two people. Relationships are hard enough to build sometimes and then you have to factor in the extras and how their families run and then somehow blend it all or figure out where you'll fit in. My experiences in this area have been positive ones when I was the person the ex was partnering with but there's no doubt you have to walk a fine line between the kids, the ex, and your partner since outsiders see things differently; not necessarily fairly but differently. I've seen exes who take on more of the time with the children in order to allow their ex to explore the new beginnings of a relationship. Once the relationship is established, I've seen those same people go back to the normal way of life in order to show the new partner what life is really like with the kids. Where they used to take on extra weekends and days, they pull back and say your responsibility is what it is and you will do it with new partner or not. What if the new partner has kids that are grown or never had kids? This partner might be finished being a part of the outside kid activities or not used to fitting it into their weekend schedule and wants that single life time sans kids. How do you handle this? I've been lucky, I haven't had too much trouble with this. I've dated men with kids and men without. I didn't expect the men to show up to my kids activities. One did and one didn't. It didn't matter but I noticed that efforts were made with my kids by both in different ways. Showing respect to the new guy/gal is great but keep in mind this person is a part of your kids life if he/she is around even if it's only for your ex the person is still around your kids and it should probably be a factor that isn't overlooked or underestimated.

How do you handle this delicate situation? Are you happy with the results of your efforts or is there a lack of effort on purpose?

©2009 Savannah Jones