" I love you but I'm not in love with you." Have you ever said this, heard this, both? Are we expecting to be 'in love' till death do us part? Why for some isn't love enough and not just their love for someone but also the love they receive in return? I was asked what it means when someone says, I love you but I'm not in love with you. This person was wondering does it mean the man loves her like he loves his sister? Are people really looking for love or is it possible companionship is really the goal? So is it possible someone really "likes" you and doesn't wish anything bad for you, will be there for you, but isn't quite passionately into you? Sure this is possible, one just hopes this isn't the case with the person he/she is so in love with. Some people like the romantic drama of being in love with someone who can't or won't return that love. Many times those people are consumed by hanging on to every last word of hope that sounds like a positive step in their direction. I've been told that this phrase is said by people who are being unfaithful. The in love feeling is coming from the new off limits person and there's a twisting of insight as to a new love being the end all to the feeling of being in love and the stable consistent relationship is viewed as steady but just love. Have you ever been in or left a relationship were you loved the person but couldn't stay in love with him/her. How did you get this across and why did you bother to say it in the first place? Should we be in love with our partner for the rest of our life or consider ourselves lucky to have someone we love, love us in return.
What are your thoughts...
©2009 Savannah Jones
May 6, 2009
Like, Love, In Love...
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10 comments:
I have to admit I've never uttered that phrase, but I have been on the receiving end, so I thought I'd add my perspective.
When I was going through my divorce, when I was trying to really understand my wifes feelings, she did lay this one on me. When I talked with her about it, and what she was really trying to say, she had difficulty doing so. But I've put in perspective like this. For me, loving someone is more of a choice than a feeling. We choose where to put our time, attention, effort and focus. We pay attention to those things, and people, we love. As our marriage progressed, my wife found it more and more difficult to love me...more and more difficult to give me her time, energy and focus. I think when she finally told me that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me, she was admitting that fact.
We've been divorced for a while now, and we still love each other. We have young kids, so it's important for us to be there together for them. But certainly, our time, attention and focus are not on each other...we're no longer in love with each other.
So, there's one perspective. I'd love to hear something from someone who's been on the giving end.
To love someone is easy. I love a lot of people that I don't put a lot of my time into. To be in love with someone is about a chemistry that doesn't go away. It's why there are affairs. People have that chemistry and say they fell in love. It's probably lust but it feels like falling into love. I love my friends and family some I see and put time into and some I don't put time into but love a whole lot. Love is like a fondness.
The words I love you but I'm not in love with you are words that end a relationship. Those words in my opinion are horrible to hear but look at the whole Elizabeth Edwards thing. Because she loves her husband she stays with him, she's not in love with him. People don't get divorced because they aren't in love, they go looking because of it. If you reminisce about your meeting and dating you can fall in love or not all over again. You'll love anyone who you spent time with and means something to you but do you have to do things to maintain it...sometimes and sometimes you'll just have the love.
Savannah,
That's it, you got it, we have expectations that are way too high.
There's a woman I love and used to be in love with. You can't stay "in love" if you aren't romantically linked anymore. When I see this woman, I'm in love with her all over again. All of the feelings come back and she feels the same. Have you ever heard of the phrase that if you don't like someone anymore just the way they eat their spaghetti will start getting on your nerves. That's what out of love is. I also want to address a respect for self attitude on here and think that you Savannah are a good person to address this. Self respect is a very important aspect to a relationship. You can't love others if you don't love yourself. Some of us have fallen victim to being in relationships with those who don't respect themselves.
keep up the good work.
If you're in love with someone you want to be with him all the time. when you love someone you are great friends.
I'm expecting to be in love forever with the woman I date. I also know I won't be and that's when it ends. I want this for me but it never happens.
I think that's how a woman feels about me but I've never asked. Where do you go from here?
Above:
Sorry to be confused but are you saying there's a woman who loves you but isn't in love with you? Or did I miss something that someone wrote in the comments and you feel that's the same way a woman feels or thinks about you?
Please clarify if you are wanting me to answer.
Thanks,
Savannah Jones
There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship where someone loves you but isn't in love with you anymore. That's what marriage is and it changes from day to day year to year. If your parents are still together think about it. My parents went in and out from threatening divorce to tolorating each other to making us sick with their dress alike kissy face now. It's like who are these people? That's what love is. Love is the glue that holds people together and in love doesn't last but comes and goes. I'm sure my parents may have even cheated on each other or at least one might have but they road it out together and made it through back in love again as the song says.
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