Why can't we be friends...?

"Friends...right? We can still talk and see each other, can't we?" Words uttered by one as a relationship has come to the end. Or, you hear, “Stay away! Don't call, don't email, and don’t ask to see me." The question of what to do with all of the feelings of a life and years gone by enters the mind as one says goodbye. Relationships take time to grow, to become trusting, and to form an unbreakable bond. If you've been in a lengthy relationship you know how you build a routine of calls, activities, days/nights together, hobbies, projects and basically a routine new life as a couple. So, what to do if one of you decides to bail out, falls out of love, can't hack it, finds someone else? You're ebb and flow of life becomes out of sync but in some cases the balance as you remember it, might automatically return with the disappearance of the relationship. Either way you're left to start a new life alone. This can be a difficult time because everything you did, you did with your best friend, confidant, and life is better when shared by two. What do you do now? Like a divorce, you might have to spend time undoing connections such as financial matters, splitting up items, etc. Once that's out of the way, one or both of you will want to know how to proceed from there. Do you desire to be friends, how friendly do you want it, or should you cut your losses and go cold turkey? My thoughts on friends after break ups are more along the lines of - there were great things between the two that kept it going. These traits and chemistry will always be present when renewing a friendship while the negative memories and frustrations that caused the break up are removed. Therefore, if you continue to see each other, you could be on this merry - go -round of hope for years. Some relationships run their course with both parties amicably ending it. Those people may realize there's nothing left and move on. Others love and care for each other dearly and keep a foot in the door for the just in case I made a mistake moment, the I can't find what I'm really looking for moment, or silly me, everyone has shortcomings but I like yours better moment. Some really do want to stay friends and can pull it off without any harm to a future apart. I'd still create some distance for awhile before attempting this. It will allow for you to begin creating a new routine, find new interests, and catch up on all that fell by the wayside during your relationship. I think people really believe good-bye has to be forever. In some cases it's imperative. However, technology today allows us to reach out and touch someone with barriers. I can send well wishes or chat without that attraction/feelings factor. Even a phone call can set someone back in time (good/bad) and impinge on our self created boundaries. Controllable distance is all about willpower. I think we know what's best for us during these times and try to provide what we need. Sometimes we choose to not rid ourselves of familiar surroundings, it isn't the right time. Maybe you aren't steady on your emotional feet yet and ready to let go. Eventually, one hopes that the steadiness will find its way to your well being and letting go will become second nature to you. As you let go, emotional stability becomes a part of who you are. You may feel like you're falling since there's no one by your side to pick you up, but really you might have just earned your wings and begun to fly.

We deliberate greatly over how to say it's not working out. We try to get the perfect ending knowing that there's a greater chance that the ending may dictate the viability of a future friendship and/or relationship. One thing I have noticed- Time and distance create change if you want it to. It's a chance to fly solo and find out who you are and what you like when you're alone. That reflective step back might really be two steps forward towards moving on.

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©2009 Savannah Jones