What does betrayal mean to you...
Is it a breech of trust, a broken promise, an affair, a lapse in loyalty? Can you overcome betrayal and remain in a relationship with the person involved? I've had many talks with friends about incidents of betrayal of cheating partners, partners who were somewhere other than where they said, partners who promised something and back peddled, and you can fill in the rest with your own story I'm sure My favorite is a story about a woman who found out her significant other was seen at a jewelry store with a woman when he said he was working late. It didn't matter to her that he lied about where he was and who he was with as long as she was the recipient of what was purchased at the jewelry store. Sometimes betrayals can hurt us to our very core and others are a jolt to our perceptions. It seemed this woman's perception was clear about who he was and what he did outside of the relationship. In her mind, this was no longer about the betrayal of loyalty, promises, or even an affair. The only misconception and hiding of the truth was the woman hiding from her friends that she was aware of this and accepted it within the framework of her relationship. It's possible she looked at this man and decided this was part of who he was and compared to all of the rest...her needs were met and she didn't care. I don't advocate affairs in relationships by any means. I'm just pointing out that we all have a different view of betrayal. So I was asked - If a man is really a good person but gets caught lying about a woman; what do we see? Do we see a good person with a weak demeanor in this area or do we see a cad with little redeeming qualities? Is a relationship deemed irreconcilable or is it the perception of the person that makes it irreparable? Someone once said all he could see was his partner in the arms of the other man and couldn't get passed it to make things work. He was then asked if this person he loved was a good person, a loving person, a truly remorseful woman and could he work with that?
What do you think about betrayal? How do you handle it? How do you deal with allowing this person to be in your life? Any thoughts...
©2009 Savannah Jones
April 24, 2009
Betrayal
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17 comments:
I wonder if the way you worded the end makes sense to others like it does to me. I see the question as if someone messes with you in anyway and you think it's a betrayal of trust do you let them in your life? I think of my friends and my loves in my life. Friends can get away with lying to me but not the loves. Friends can dissappoint me and not be okay with loves doing it. I feel that when someone lets you down in anyway that's a betrayal of trust. You trusted this person would be there for you.
Savannah,
You are one step ahead of the world. You wrote this last night and it posted last night so I don't know why the date change for today but, today, there's this article online. It says that by changing the perception, we'd have happier marriages. Now I ask you to think about this - Would you want to change your perception of someone who is cheating on you and not there for you? How is that a happy marriage?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090424/sc_livescience/denialcanbringmaritalbliss
I really never thought about this until I had it slapped in my face but a betrayal is one when you think you are going to get married to someone and they inform you that your not but it's not over? If someone doesn't want to marry why not end it?
when a woamn gets involved in a rebound relationship that's betrayal. You think she loved you then falls right away for some creep. That's betrayal of love and words.
Quite the paradox Savannah. Can a person be in one way immoral but have such redeeming qualities you'd marry him/her? I'm going to toss this one around a little.
Betrayal is leaving the nice man or woman for a not nice man or woman. It's saying I love these qualities about you and looked for those my whole life but now I don't want those.
The idea that perception is reality which is so over heard and said is ridiculous. I know women who don't care that the husband is cheating. I can't believe it but they overlook it. One now divorced woman told me that as long as her husband was there for her when she needed and went to all of the obligatory events...he could cheat and she didn't care because it didn't cut into her life with him. One day he wasn't home on time and the next he was served with divorce papers. Either way I look at both items as a betrayal. It wasn't just about being there but being there with bells on and making the events a hit for her. He pulled this off and he was happy and so was she.
There's an unwritten code among men and women. You don't go after your friends interest. I believe you shouldn't go after anyone that someone else is interested in even if given the green light. I know my old girlfriend had men interested in her while I dated her. I think it's wrong to connect and contact someone's girlfriend when she's taken. She doesn't know that I'm aware it ever took place but I broke up with her and accused her of cheating on me. She swore she wasn't. Only a month later I see her out with a man and it's the one I accused her of cheating on me with. I think there's betrayal by the guy and by my girlfriend. What do you think?
betrayed.
Being a woman I want to say welcome to our world but what proof do you have that this guy was around a month before or that he's the reason it's over? In fact, according to what you wrote, you broke up with her. She didn't break up with you over anyone. You might have falsely accused in this case but the two were friends and now that you are out of the picture they could be together to do things. If a woman would have seen this in reverse it would have been mentioned as to how chummy the two were appearing. You didn't say anything to lead me to believe that you saw anything more than two people out enjoying each others company as friends. Did you see this at all happen before the break up? As far as the unwritten code- I know of no code but do know that if the woman or man allows one to take an interest in them and doesn't mention that he/she is taken...well...not too cool.
Savannah Jones
Great answer Savannah!
I don't know of any code that says hands off unless it's said from the person in the relationship. The betrayal is someone throwing accusations. I had my now ex girlfriend followed for months. She would go out with a man and it was platonic. She'd bring her little kids along, one is less than a year old. She never mentioned it, but if I had asked, which I hadn't, she would have told me. I accused her of it being more and told her I knew it was more. We broke up and that was that. She's still friends with him and it is still nothing more than platonic. I don't have her and she told me the betrayal is in my trusting her. She was right.
I would like you to write something on break ups. Everyone says to go away and stay away from each other for it to work. I don't want to stay away and I didn't want to break up. My heart is breaking from this and I'm really missing him. He calls and checks on me and emails cute nice emails but he doesn't really want to get back together. I tell him i miss him even when I'm trying not to. What is your advice about break ups. You are a woman and I know you're older than me from your profile. I'm 37 and have two kids. I have been divorced for 7 years and had other relationships before this one but not like this one. I want this one but can't have it.
broken up
Broken Up
I'll speak as a guy who's seen both ends of that story, he's not doing you any favors. If he really wants a clean break, he should stay out of your life. As long as he stays "nice", he's giving you the impression that he's coming back. Either he comes back and you understand why he wanted to go and talk about if it can be resolved, or he needs to stay away so you can move on with your life.
I'm sure others have their own opinions that I'm sure they'll want to share :)
The only reason I'd stay in contact is I wouldn't want any other guy to have the girl. I was told to stay away and let a woman go back to her old boyfriend. Had he been told to stay away, I wonder where we'd be today?
Yeah Savannah,
That would be a great idea to write about this. I've thought about this break up stuff a lot because I never ever break it off completely. Is there an in between. What light can you shed on this and have you ever done this break up idea completely? If so, how did it go? There's a lot of ways to break up but some are better than others dontcha think?
I'll consider this...
Savannah Jones
Betrayal to me is when a person portrays himself as available and isn't.
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