I get asked this a lot from other women..."Why wouldn't the guy marry me, but as soon as he met someone else, he marries her?" The answer seems so simple when you hear it from a man - Timing. Men, how many women have you met that might have been right for you but not at that time? I can't believe my luck sometimes when I look back on my life and I do mean luck. In some ways I met men that I could see myself married to and wanted to marry but something happened and it didn't work out. In some cases it was just bad timing; life got in the way of having a life. If that happens with the one you're with, and it got in the way of life instead of dealing with it as part of life together, maybe it wasn't bad luck or bad timing. Maybe it was what was right. In many books written along the lines of how to get a guy to marry, there seems to be a theme about finding a man after he's been divorced 'awhile', after he's 'long' out of a long term relationship, after he finds a job he's secure with for awhile, etc. In other words when there's a stable time in his life and he's on the way up or feeling really steady and secure but not needy. The needy part seemed to be if he was feeling he needed a wife but not necessarily wanting a wife. Many of the men in these books agreed that moving in slowed the process down in their want to marry the person they married or even left. There was a need to marry the one they weren't living with- wanting what it seemed they couldn't have. Timing was the theme that just not being ready at the time is real and women usually take it as the guy just isn't ready for them so they leave. Later they find their toss aside is getting married to someone and there's no explanation as to why that woman over them. Ask those men and I'll bet their answer reflects the it was the right time idea. What usually isn't said is - this was the only woman for me. There's a part in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" about how a man can't perpetually have long term relationships because no girl will think he'll marry her therefore he eventually won't be able to get a date. I know a couple of men who say they had to let the best one go because she couldn't wait for him to be ready. The woman left believing that if she was the best thing he'd marry her soon and then somehow after dating for years or even living together it's over because there's nothing backing it up. Off he goes into another relationship and within a year is married. Okay, women I'm not trying to say to stay with someone who waffles on the marriage idea. I'm just presenting what I found in many books and articles on why men marry "that girl" instead.
©2009 Savannah Jones
So regular men of America and then some, is this true? Lend some insight...
25 comments:
I went back and asked the woman I wanted to marry to marry me. She said no. It had been a year since we broke up. I wasn't in a stable place to be married not mentally and just got a stable job after a job loss. I kept the job for one year to see that it would work. I would have stayed with her and asked her to marry me in that same time but she left me. I asked again in two years when I saw myself getting married to someone else. I went back and asked. I still had all of those feelings and thought she would too but she moved on. I'm happy with my life but it is the one I let get away that haunts. I wish it would haunt her but she has no regrets about it. Peoples thought processes and anxieties get in the way too of life. If someone wants to be married and thinks they are with someone who is pulling their leg they get scared and leave. She isn't married so what was the problem waiting around for someone who said he'd marry someday but didn't know when?
I wasn't in a position to give my girlfriend what she wanted. I wanted to date her until I could and then marry her. I didn't want to struggle while married. She thought I made that up and left me and then when nuts when I married my first wife within two years of the break up. I was married for twelve years and now divorced and so is the woman. I see her but we don't date but she told me she didn't marry for four more years and wondered why I married that woman.
Savannah,
You so get women and men. We do look at the other woman and say why her not me? Why that girl? In some cases the person the guy ends up marrying isn't even as good as the one he didn't. Why do men do this? and why not just marry if you're afraid you'll lose her. Men how long should a woman wait for you to be "READY"?
Savannah,
Your research is correct. Men have a different time frame but also you are correct that there is a time to leave a relationship when the future seems to not happen. I don't have that answer, I try not to lead women on for my own happiness and gain.
Savannah,
Timing is the answer and not just in the guys life but what life the guy walked into.
It's all about timing!
Savannah,
You know our secret but what about the ones that don't ever want to marry and don't want to lose the woman their with?
I didn't want to marry over a prenup. I walked out of the relationship because the woman wouldn't sign it. I met two other women who also wouldn't sign it. I decided to leave my first wife everything and date the rest of my life. Timing didn't play into it, but protecting my assessts did.
I hope you're aren't saying stay with the guy just in case he's telling the truth and he'll be ready some day just not today? There comes a time when it's appropriate to be ready and that's that. I don't care if he marries a different woman in three months after you're gone and I don't care if he wouldn't have met her had you stayed. If the guy isn't going to marry you when you want to be married then it's his loss.
So you're saying Savannah that you're timing was right on? That even though you might have wanted to marry these men, the idea that they weren't ready or had provisions for marriage that weren't met yet, was a blessing from above? I keep looking for signs to get out of my relationship. I keep thinking he'll marry me but it doesn't happen and sometimes I think he's got someone on the side.
I always always have a timing problem. I find every man that is in the middle of figuring it out, on the rebound, a work in progress, along for the ride, you have a name for it, I've dated it. I have thought about how to try and find someone when the timing is right for them. How do you believe in it if the guy says he's looking to be married again and then you buy into it but doesn't want to? I want a guy to answer this.
Can you please tell me how to find someone who will tell you it's the right time. I hear someday all of the time. Or some carrot is put out there for me to reach.
Savannah and all the readers, commenters,
This might get confusing so I hope you can keep up.
Imagine a beautiful weekend with your girlfriend, a woman who has broken up with you a couple of times to return to the same man. I thought my timing was off and his was on target. I thought the two of them would marry this last time around. Now, imagine a warm weekend and getting out to enjoy the world with her and you run into an old girlfriend of her old boyfriend. My girlfriend decides this is the time to be kind and make peace. She's with her boyfriend. We all start talking and before you know it missing pieces of puzzles by the women are being put together. My girlfriend, this other woman, and her boyfriend and me, find out that our lives were mislead by one man who acted like these women were the only ones he wanted in his life at separate times. These women went back to him, slept with him on occassion which ruined our relationship's chance,thought they'd marry him because he said he would, and then each were forced into some argument that eventually ended the relationship. These women had been wanting to talk to get this out but both never wanted to upset the man. Now, it just happened on it's own like it was kizmet or something. It was meant to be. I'm not happy and neither is the other woman's boyfriend. We feel we were cheated out of our lives with these women because of a man who acted like he wanted these women but was never truly faithful in any sense of the word. Is it my timing that was off,his, or these women? We have talked marriage but we're taking it slow. We will get engaged this summer and married before the end of the year. I'm not losing her again. She's spent a long time building a life of her own after this ended the last time and I'm lucky to be fitting in time wise. So whose timing is off? Men, has this ever happened to you and what did you do about it. I feel that this wasn't the right way to say I love you to any woman and I don't blame the woman I'm with for believing it but heck it was a lot to take in for all involved. At the end of the afternoon of a beautiful bike ride we all felt drained but felt it was meant to be that we were here at the same time without him. The two women even mentioned that if he knew this was possible, he'd have found a way to make sure one of them couldn't have been there.
Timing
I don't know if I qualify for regular American Man but I'll give it a try. Timing is everything and you understand the men on this. With the recession around us all hurting our wallets and making us afraid to spend money, I noticed I'm a hot commodity. My job is secure and my income is too but not everyone I meet is in the same situation. I don't want to walk in on their uncertain life because I want mine to be certain. I want to see an established life before I came around and I'll feel better about the sincerity.
Savannah,
I'm going to reverse this on the women. I am one of those "nice guys". My wife left me because she wasn't in love with me anymore or so she said. I don't have long relationships and I don't think I'm told the real answer as to why it ends. I didn't think my timing was off until I saw this and thought Rebound Man. I think I'm everyone's rebound guy. I listen but I know I don't give the meaty answers. I trust everyone at their word and don't pursue things if I'm given an answer that's the answer. I'm the guy to hang out with and have sex with while waiting for the heart and soul to feel better and then I'm dumped for the next man who most women marry. Timing is the issue on the other side too. If the woman finds a man who's ready to marry and she is over the ex whatever, she marries and she doesn't marry me. I told a friend of mine while drunk that I'm bland and boring. She agreed she had too much to drink and we had sex that night on a business trip. Great sex to me, bland to her. She was honest and told me my technique was a bit immature and I was a little premature for what she's used to. I figured she's wild and used to something out of the ordinary. So I have a talk with a male co-worker and it turns out, I'm really bland boring, and do things like I did in high school. Is this why the women left or is that I'm nice guy Charlie and see ya for the next man who will stomp on their hearts and leave them? I wonder if the sex wasn't doing it for my ex wife now and I am thinking about asking her. What do you think about all of this and what others have said?
Good Time Charlie
American Man,
I get the sincerity part but you also said you don't want to walk in on someone's uncertain life because yours is certain. So you are 100% sure you're never coming down with a disease. You have enough set aside no matter what and and I guess you don't know anyone like Bernie Madoff. Your kids are healthy and so are your parents who I assume found the fountain of youth so they won't need your financial security to help them out. That's all good that you're life is very certain and no uncertain times are in your future. I'm so glad I haven't met anyone who thought my life was so certain and that's the premise as to why they entered it many years ago, because damn they would have been shocked by the years that came later. I really have no problem with what you're saying as far as minimizing risk when choosing a mate. Obviously, I'd like to choose someone who shows little risk of health issues early on, little risk of cheating, minimal risk of losing a job, going into debt,etc. I'm also aware that sometimes there are others who control the powers at be and life isn't always as planned. Good luck in your certain world that exists within an unknown universe of uncertainty.
Savannah Jones
Rebound man,
Why don't you stop being the rebound man if that's what you think you are. If someone is just out of a long relationship don't get with them. You can be a friend, you can even have sex, but don't get invovled. Let someone else be rebound man and you be the winner.
Good Time Charlie,
This story reminds me of Good Luck Chuck the movie where any woman who sleeps with him, gets married to someone else. I'd have to agree with the post above me, if you don't like the position you're putting yourself in, don't put yourself in it. A couple of clear signs of this is the woman just got out of a long term relationship. A short one can be trouble too if there were false hopes crushed. The two still have a lot of unfinished business and connections with each other from their lives being meshed together. The two will need to run into each other reminding one or both of what they lost. That could be a good thing for you or a bad thing depending on who feels they lost something. Confused with the bland and boring but calling yourself Good Time Charlie. I've never met you or slept with you so I have no idea if you are either of those things. My advice on that is limited except spice it up a bit. If you want to ask your ex-wife, well only you know what your connection with her is like so ask if you feel you can and maybe she'll tell you the truth. Finding someone who is in the same spot as you and ready for what you want when you want it, is really difficult and then you are supposed to be in love with them too so chemistry has to factor in making it even more difficult. Only you can change where you are in the rebound situation and even with regards to the sex issue, don't wait for some woman to say she's going to spare you from being the rebound man and make your life easier. Somehow if this is your pattern, you'll stay on this course until you don't want to be Mr. Nice Rebound Man.
Savannah Jones
Whoa Savannah,
Putting it out there for the American Man. Nice job saying what we were thinking. You are too fair in this because you make sure he knows where you agree with him in the sincerity part. What's up with that part?
I agree that life holds no guarantess and all that's sure is death and taxes and in some cases not even that. American Man, I wonder if you ever had a bad day and a bad run in life, because if you haven't you've been lucky and luck eventually runs out.
So are rebound relationships bad timing or good timing? I think commitment phobic people enter rebound relationships with others who left a long relationship. If you know this why would you enter into it?
So what you're saying Savannah is you never dated anyone that you broke up with or he wanted to break up or not marry and then they went off and married. I think if you had, you know that it's horrible because the guy basically lies when he says he doesn't want to married. He just doesn't want to marry the person he says that to.
Timing is an interesting proposition. I think if you love someone you make yourself love them to the point of marriage or else they'll leave and then you don't have the person you wanted. I know a man who broke up with a woman he loved very much. It shows when he dates and meets new people. He's out dating now and met me, but also met a friend of mine through a dating service. He took both of us out at separate times but it was obvious to both of us that he loves the girl he left even though he didn't talk about her. I found out he was only out of this relationship for three months. Not long enough to heal from long term stuff. But real love is hard to come by and that's what I heard they had so I'm thinking timing wasn't on their side but could be again if the guy made it happen. What do you think about things like this?
Two above me:
I haven't dated anyone who told me they didn't want to marry but then right away married. It took them years after they met someone. I think you're right in some cases a person doesn't want to marry the person he/she is with but is still with them. I also think timing factors into that. There might be times with the very same person where marriage is appealing and then not but the relationship is still good. It does feel horrible if this happens, but would you rather waste years of your life with someone who can't give you what you really want? So in some way to me it's not so horrible to find that out and it might open new doors when it's over that you hadn't even entertained.
Savannah Jones
Timing Proposition:
I think the guy started back dating before he was ready to that's about all I think. If you love someone that loves you back that's great but that doesn't mean it all works out and timing might be a factor, lack of knowledge about others could factor in, or it could just be it's not right. If you and the other woman see he's hurting then he probably is and should wait until the wounds are healed or at least concealed better. Where does that leave you and your friend? I have no idea- it seems he went out with both of you and maybe isn't sure what he wants.
Savannah Jones
Savannah,
I met a man who ended up dating a friend of mine from my past. I wasn't a good friend to her and others. All of them dropped me and I did a lot of lying about my marriage, life, and who I am. I'm dating this guy but found out he broke up with this woman three months ago. I'm afraid she's going to find out and tell him to stay away from me. It's fine if he listens as I see him as something to do and it's interesting to be with someone of his caliber but he's not outgoing. I have a hard time staying affair free even though I say I'm commited. I have kids and I have been liberal with their availability to the men I date. I know this friend of mine traveled all over and had a sweet life with him and I want what I can get out of it. He doesn't know anything yet but something I said made him realize I knew her and then he told me something that made me contact her. She hasn't returned my call and I don't think she will. I made her out to be a terrible person and liar when really it's me. What should I do? A friend sent me to this site to ask this? She said it's a higher class of people that visit.
What should I do?
Post a Comment