You decide where this goes today:
Some thoughts along the way... The phrase "I need to let you know I'm unhappy." Have you heard it, said it, what happened next...
Do I dare bring up who have you wanted to ultimatum and why?
What bugs you the most about your relationship?
If you had it to do all over again what point in time would you go back to in order to start and why?
Why did you allow yourself to have or be the rebound? Did you think it would last into a marriage proposal?
Feel free to roam and come up with something other than the above and share...
March 31, 2009
Letting you roam today...
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52 comments:
about to sign off and this posted-
great question. I'd go back to when my old girlfriend told me that she'd leave me if I didn't see marriage in my future period. I told her I didn't think I'd marry again but offered a life like a marriage without being married. I wouldn't have said that if I could go back. I would have told her just a little longer and I'll be there. I didn't think I ever would be ready to marry again.
You could throw something else out there for me to debate and I'll do my best.
Did you see the movie "He's Not That Into You"? The opening of the movie is a little girl on the playground with a boy treating her meanly and mom sends the message it's because he likes her. I can't remember ever hearing that from my own mother but I know a mom and I said it to our kids. A boy who knew my daughter for years starting picking on her. I told her he's starting to like her/wants her attention and his own mom told my daughter that too. And, one takes the time to wonder what message got sent?
Mind readers...don't go there with me. I've dated one or two who would have liked their minds read and the information acted on. Problem, I'm not a mind reader and don't expect others to be either. On the rare occassion that I've been able to anticipate an issue, it's usually one that's in the works and involves another woman. I do hope though that if I'm spending enough time with someone he will eventually learn what it is that works with me just as I'm sure I will eventually learn about him.
Savannah Jones
I'm unhappy is the phrase I heard right before my ex wife told me she was leaving me for another man. I don't want to hear that phrase again and dead on about hearing with the preface of "I need to let you know." No, what I needed to know was that the unhappiness was creeping in before the boyfriend.
I'm unhappy is a prelude to divorce, break up or letting you know that you are in a committed relationship but your partner has given you the heads up that he/she is not.
I want to ultimatum my friend the sweet sweet woman and tell her marry me or never see me again. Too scared because then I'd have to never have her in my life if she won't marry me.
Aahhh going back in time - If I had a time machine I'd go back to the day I broke up with my girlfriend. I was angry and frustrasted. Hard times for all and I broke up with her. She's great now and I want her back.
Savannah,
Love the mind reading answer!
Okay then dude don't ultimatum her if you want to marry her but tell her how you feel that you don't want to be without her but you want to be married to her. Find out why she doesn't want to be married right now.
I allowed myself to be the rebound because I thought I would win her over and I didn't. The other guy came back and he has her now.
Oh my, is she great now because she's not with you, life is less stressful for her now, is it a case of wanting what you don't have, others have taught you that you might have had the best and let her go?
You pick ;)
Savannah Jones
Feisty these days Savannah, are you feeling up to a challenge? Tell me how you came up with the line "I'm unhappy"? Have you ever wanted to ultimatum someone and did you and why? Did you ever allow yourself to be the rebound or have a rebound and did you think it would ever lead to marriage? I ask this because you threw out some great questions but those thoughts came to you from experience and I think if you answer you'll enlighten some of us and also make many many of us feel normal and at home. Give it a try please. I'm especially looking for the ultimatum one since I'm stuck on wanting to tell my live in to sign the papers, realize I'm not changing my mind, my life, my relationship with my ex, her family, and my children, this is who I am and either don't marry but stop bitching that she chose to stay or leave. Men sometimes do things knowing it will not make a woman happy on purpose. Sometimes we're not so strong and can't say it's time to leave but if you don't leave this is what you are stuck with.
Above me,
I didn't come up with the line, "I'm unhappy." I think it's part of our language and a phrase often used. I have noticed that when others share their I'm unhappy stories there's a part when the unexpected happens and the person who was unhappy isn't too fond of the consequence of expressing the phrase. I do believe that phrase is used like the fourth comment on here said. I strongly believe if the person saying it isn't really going to work on it (and I can't believe I said those three words either) then most likely this is being said as an out to whatever behavior is taking or going to take place that would go against the guidelines of the relationship. It's sometimes said when an affair is taking or about to take place. It's sometimes said to get the conversation rolling but in the direction of a break up for "whatever" reasons. I would put myself out there and say that the majority of the people by the time they've used this phrase have tried to express at some level some discomfort and used different words, but when these particular words are used in a relationship, the problem has probably gotten rooted deep in the mind of the person speaking those words, and workability factor might not be so high at that juncture. To me - hearing those words might be equal to a man hearing - "We need to talk."
Ultimatum is easy: Yes, I have given a relationship ultimatum and it was meant to provoke the response I received. I wanted the torment of certain questions of the relationship over so I gave the ultimatum and onward separately in life we went. I wanted movement and I got it. I have often been asked, what if he chose the other- I guess that time I was a successful mind reader and knew he wouldn't. I have been given an ultimatum and learned my lesson. Don't ever get forced into something over something you're afraid to lose. First conquer the fear of losing it, then make a decision. I'm sure without knowing I was a rebound once or twice possibly. Not too worried about that and yes I'm sure I've had rebound relationships somewhere along the line. They are what they are, must in some way serve some purpose and that's why there's a name for it. Hope this helps...
Your own issue however is interesting. You've dug in your heels and said this is it take it or leave it or stay but quit complaining. Not much else you can say to that. Good luck on your way.
Savannah Jones
I'm unhappy because I left one man for another man and that man left me and now I'm back with the first man and want the one that left me. Guys why would a guy take me back anyway after I left him once and why would a guy get rid of a woman and want her back. Savannah I hope a man will answer this but if you know why please tell.
unhappy about men
I think I want to talk about roaming in general. When should a person talk about getting committed? Have you noticed with couples that when they commit to one another the trouble starts? If I don't say what I hope will happen, the relationship sails through.
Guys view
I'm only one man out there and don't know if my view is the majority. Each time something ends it's a second chance to make it better. That's really in a song I heard with my kids yesterday. I started longing for my old girlfriend. We broke up 3 times and each time we were better and stronger. I have a short fuse and I get bored easily. It was a time in her life where career and home needed to be priorities and I needed to be supportive. I was tired of that role and broke up at a time when I thought we were getting somewhere before the focus shifted. It is a regret because that was my enough is enough break up. She won't take me back and is dating around to get used to dating. I keep thinking she'll miss me, no guy will measure up or the connection we had will out do any other possibility. That's what's happened to me since I've been out dating. No one measures up, her demands and requests and sensse of boundaries were normal and expected by others, her priorities were good and somehow she found time for me and many of these women I fit in their schedule but not the want like she had for me. I probably wish I had a time machine too to take it all back. I think guys do want the woman back and even if he blamed the woman for the relationship ending we all want to believe it will work out and maybe like me he knows he's to blame for the end and sees it's better with her than without. That's why I'll always take her back but this time I have to go get her, she's not asking to return.
To guys view
I've had some experience in being involved with the same woman on a couple of occasions. I'm not sure I would say each time I got better, but I would say the more time I spend with her the better I understand her(and the more I really want to be with her), and, I hope the better she understands me. We still have a ways to go, and it remains to be seen where it will all end up, but we do enjoy our time together and learn from each other.
I'm a man who has broken up with a woman over 6 times. I love this lady but it's hard for us to work things out. I don't take her back because she doesn't ask...she takes me back after I beg for months and restate why I want it to work. Truth in dating others and knowing you made a mistake. One day my enough is enough will come like the other man but I don't think we're there yet. I take her back out of love.
Something like this. What if you're the woman that's in between the guy you love break ups. I'm the woman that sees him after the other woman is gone. I'm the woman he has passionate sex with after the other is gone. I'm also the woman he dumps when he wins back the other woman each time. I don't care I date other men but this guy says he wants to get married and behaves this way. What do you think about that? Men what's up with it?
Savannah,
It's everything you said. The woman is just better when I am not with her. I don't know if I view that like she's better because I'm not with her or she's just better. Also it's because when I date around I see that she's a keeper. I don't know what goes wrong when we get back together but I'm not going to get to find out. I think she's shacking up with some guy soon.
I never thought I'd get the girl but I did. Those who talk about rebounds should pay attention to the meantimes instead. I don't do rebounds but I knew I was someone's meantime thing. I loved this woman and she grew to love me. She's in the meantime again but this time a productive meantime with my help. I found a way to make sure I'm indispensable. That's how you become different from the rest.
Nice guy here writing in. It was a turn on to this woman that I had only been with my wife and one other woman. I also spent a lot of time learning by reading. Sex is great even if it's not experienced sex. Nice guy doesn't equal bad sex.
Savannah,
what turns off a woman? I heard I am boring. I don't have dreams or ambition or much of anything that a particular woman would want. I'm nice but that's not the problem. I'm boring to her and she needs excitement. Excitement to her is someone with drive and power and even sarcasm according to her match.com profile. I don't do sarcasm and I don't like sarcasm.
I'd go back in time and not date the man I was dating. I wasted so many years.
New question--
Savannah, What if you know a woman is into you as a person but isn't into having sex with you. I can't get this woman to break down and have sex with me. I had sex with her once last year and it wasn't supposed to only be a one night sex night but she quickly left me for her old boyfriend. I've seen those two in the past kiss and get a little down and dirty in a parking lot. I'm nothing like this man. A friend of hers told me the sex is why she went back over and over to this man. It was cosmic she once said to this friend. I thought she liked it when she slept with me but I can't compete with cosmic. The other guy was really hung I could tell when he was excited getting it on with her in the parking lot, I'm not that well endowed. Do you think that's the reason? What chance in hell do you think I have in talking with her and her being honest if it's the sex that's the problem? Everyone tells me to ask her and find out if that's the problem. I'm with the kaiowolfy person that sex shouldn't be that big of a deal. I don't see much on here about sex but I got directed here by a search. It's your turn, I hope you'll have some answers about what to do.
want to have another night
I want to roam to this idea. I want to go back in time before the guy I dated got in a court battle with his new ex wife. This whole thing has changed him and it changed our relationship. I now was told that I could have handled this better and differently more understanding and patient. I broke up with him and that was almost a year ago. I'm still unmarried and not dating anyone. I see that my impatient behavior was stupid. I see that I had a year to spare to deal with him and his ex. I'm alone but also alone without him by my side. I want him back and don't know what to say. I read the comments and see that there's so much regret. I also read that many want to go back and get to. Why hasn't he come back for me?
16th person down from top and others on here---
What do you mean you learn from each other. I don't learn crap from the guy I'm with what are we all supposed to be learning and what do you guys learn? What am I missing
Every time we go through a, lets call it a phase of togetherness, I learn a bit more about her, what she's like, how she looks at the world. In turn, I learn a bit myself, as she pushes me to look at who I am and what I believe. To be honest, at times, it can be painful and frustrating, and I wonder if I'm up to the task. But, as Aristotle is quoted "We cannot learn without pain".
I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn't question, doesn't push me to think about who I am and what I want to be. That, to me, would be very lonely.
16th person down from the top
Hmmm must be with the same lady. There's a woman I know I was meant to be with. Everytime we get back together I'm relieved she took me back. I love her but unconditionally but can't marry her that way. We are alike in our philosophy, our views of people, handling situations, talking with out kids, money, big issues and many small ones. Our smaller ones are where the impass begins but we worked on that this last go 'round'. Savannah, what are your thoughts on people who each time they return to each other their a little better a little wiser and a little more grateful for having the partner in their life?
Above,
My thoughts are...you had a brush with death - metaphorically speaking that is. Have you ever been to a funeral? People are actually inspired by some, renewed faith in others, and a sense of lonliness for a few. It can be a time of reflection and validation that they are on the right track. The relationship ending and the thought of renewed life in it can be euphoric, renewed faith stimulates the senses, and fear of lonliness makes others accept differences easier. Your break ups are your brush with death.
Now let's look at the causes of the break ups and after awhile like a brush with death the grim reaper may reappear and decide there's no more breath of life that can be added so it's time.
I think when people separate they come into their own again and not into the partnership that once was. We were attracted to those individuals as is and yet the partnership sometimes squelches that very part we loved and were attracted to. Renewing a belief in love is wonderful; making it last is work. Not all are up to the task.
Savannah Jones
I don't put ties on the woman I'm with and for the first time since my divorce, I'm dating a person I really love. My dating has been only a few relationship that don't last more than 2 months. I've been divorced six years. I wish the women would tell me what I do wrong. One woman told me I wasn't big enough in the privates. Not much I can do about that. Another woman never would tell me why she just said it wasn't the right time. I think she was being kind. I was told by a male friend that I show too much outward expression negatively. If I don't like something or a comment it shows. The women might be reading this. The woman that I really think I love is a challenge like no other. She's into buddhism and a higher meaning in life. I feel I'm nothing compared to that way of thought. I am not a religious man and don't believe in the spiritual sense of the world. I think I'm open but I'm really not. Our ideas on kids are different and our ideas about family not the same. She challenges me in a high maintenance way. I can do without a lot and she can't. When I see it through her eyes I want it all too. I think I love her because she's everything I'm not. She's controlled, knows herself, likes herself and accepts all of her flaws. I'm still getting there. I know what the man means by frustrating because women like this push you to really be open minded and not negative. These women also make us examine our old past marriages. I see how I see my ex and it's different than she really is through the eyes of others.
What bugs me the most about my relationship is exactly why I love the woman. She's brutally honest and can take it when it's dished out. How's that for a strange relationship.
I roamed today right into my boyfriend on a lunch date through a dating service. Remember I said he's my boyfriend. I guess one of us wasn't given the same road map of the relationship. Why do dating services call men up if they haven't heard from them and let them know they have someone compatible for them? This should be outlawed. He said he was "unhappy" and wanted to see and if it was something then he was going to tell me. Can you believe this bullsh-t? I went searching for "I'm unhappy" and found this. I didn't go back to work today and don't think I'm going in tomorrow. I'm sure after seeing me so mad and not understanding, this woman won't want to see him again. She didn't leave and that pissed me off I even told her who I was and she didn't seem to care. What's wrong with people these days? Life is hard enough and then you see this?
Help with advice anyone men too.
MEN
I want to know is it awful to expect a man you're sort of seeing to call you when he's out of town or even everynight?
I'm upset. I have been seeing a guy and think he's into me but he doesn't call when he travels and he doesn't call everynight just some nights. We know we are together like we wouldn't make plans with anyone else but he doesn't always call.
Sleeping with a man and don't like the sex what does a man want a woman to say when this happens.
I'd rather a woman tell me she doesn't like the sex with me rather than break up with me and not tell me why.
For the man who said sometimes he hears he's not well endowed in the private part area.
A lot of women get plastic surgery to fix, uplift, enlarge, reduce, shave off years. We live in that day and age. Get an enlargement it's a simple fix.
Call woman:
You should expect to be called. If you see this man and he's not calling regularly just to say goodnight but you're with him even a little. He's not into you.
You should be talking and catching up on the day throughout the day and night. He should be calling more than a goodnight call.
Lunch lady,
I've been in your shoes somewhat. Actually you are correct about some of these matchmaking services. I know a couple of men who get called along the way while in a relationship. Usually it's a courtesy call and sometimes it's mentioned that there's someone possibly for them. Are you really going to blame the dating service over the boyfriend? I know a man who told a dating service that he's dating and is happy and to not call him, he'll call if he needs but to respect his privacy. This dating service already has his money whether he finds someone through them or on his own. I can't imagine how frustrated, sad, angry you must feel but don't assume this woman got the message. I've learned one never knows what is said after you leave the room. I'm sorry you went through this...it's not fun I know.
Savannah Jones
Each time couples get back together each probably has more to offer the relationship but I would think twice if I was the woman with the man who said he doesn't know that he gets better, I wouldn't work it out with him. If he doesn't get better with each break up he might be one of those that isn't able to evolve because he overthinks and thinks himself into holes and not real life.
I found Levitra in my boyfriends travel bag. Problem I wasn't on the business trip. He's never brought it along when we've traveled. What is going on here?
Nice guy versus the flirt:
Here is a suggestion to all nice guys. You are too cautious. Momentum is everything. I think Savannah has said this on here before. Pay attention to this advice. Continue to ignite a spark at all times. Even if a woman doesn't take the bait she likes that you're interested and it keeps her interested. If something is bothering you and you don't talk with the lady, you are making it even worse for yourselves. The woman knows somethings not right and you don't call. You aren't keeping the conversation open and momentum is lost. If you upset her and don't call hoping she'll let you know the time is right. You are doing the same thing wrong. Flirt if you can't act like the bad boy then flirt, flirt. Send emails with just little conversations. Imagine how many the woman you care about gets in a day. I have a constant conversation going with my best friend, my co worker who is a man, my old boyfriend, and my child's teacher who I became friends with. If the guy on my mind isn't one of those people initiating the contact. It gets lost.
Savannah maybe this is something you could write about. Momentum is something I know you talked about here on this site but maybe it's a good time to revise.
Momentum tracker.
Fresh air just left Panera Bread. That's you Savannah! You stopped and tried to walk by a table where you knew the person and got a tug on your sweater from their child. What a smile. I don't know you but commented on how you are always walking with a hop in your step a smile on your face and just happy. I also was let in that you're the woman I heard a story about that wasn't so happy. I can't believe you are the same person who went through this. The friend was looking at your site and showed it to me. I am still having my coffee writing in on my laptop. You smiled all through those rough times. Good for you and I hope one day I'll stop and introduce myself. I just filed for divorce a few months ago and I think I might become a regular to your site.
Out of town caller...
I'm not sure what "kinda sorta seeing" means when you ask if he should call. If I've just started dating someone, I'm not going to feel that I need to call her if I'm out of town for a day or two (I may, but may not), and not becuase I'm not interested...it's just the beginning to get to know you stage. If I'm in a relationship, of course I'd call, and text, and e-mail...becuase I want to, not because I'm expected to. That's what sharing a life is all about, right!
I can say that a couple times I've been dating someone, just a few dates, who kinda nagged me that I hadn't called to tell them that I made it in safe...and that left feeling like she was a bit maternal. That did make me feel a little claustrophobic...and yes, I understand I'm opening myself to some criticism from some out here. Not saying right or wrong, just how it made me feel.
Nagging is what a guy calls it when a woman hopes to hear from someone. Savannah it's time to write about momentum is right.
My brother is so wanted because he has family roots and it makes a difference in how treats women. He calls the woman even if it's fresh. Why wouldn't you want to know the woman? At least text and say you're thinking about her.
Posting this I'd have to say, I'm not big on the whole text me you're thinking of me when you can actually call me. If it's to make someone smile and flirt that's one thing but if it's the out to the phone call...not working for me.
Savannah Jones
Out for some "fresh air" rollerblading and enjoying life because I got to be reflective with a great friend that I don't get to see very often. She made me think a lot about people and how there are so many different views but the ones out there living their life are the happy ones whether with someone or not. I have been missing my ex wife. I miss being a family not really missing her. I've been divorced for three years and haven't gotten used to the idea that we aren't together for someone unknown to me reason. I have her picture out with the kids not one with me just the kids but I noticed that she's out living and I'm not, I'm existing. The woman I was spending the day with never said any of this to me, but her way about her handling life and its' challenges made me see that I don't handle the challenge of losing what I think of family very well. It's important to me to let everyone around know that my ex and I get along. I realized today while listening and talking that no one really cares in the big picture of life. Only I do. It was a freeing experience. I enjoyed my day, my friendship, my enlightened moment.
I don't understand the whole momentum idea and guess I need some information so yeah write about it please.
OMG MIND READERS
I dated a man for many many many years who was upset "one day" that I couldn't read his mind. I never got it until today when reading this.
ANTICIPATE was the word Savannah used in place of mind reading. That's what it is anticipating one's needs. Guess what, I'm glad I didn't. He was too needy and as soon as you'd figure him out, he'd change who he was and what he needed.
Dated a nice guy over the weekend. Went to work and told my coworkers. One knew him and told me to stay far far away. She reminded me of the stories of a friend of hers that she used to tell me. I can't believe it's the same guy. My friend has no reason to lie about another friends story that I don't or didn't even know. Now what should I do. We are supposed to go out again and I'm not sure I want to.
If i could go back in time it would be not to give my ex a second chance simply because she used that chance to pretty much make me feel like shit and still left me for a fling. I wish i had the strength at the time to just let her go but i didn't i was to emotionally entangled.What bugged me the most is i think the least romantic thing i did was saved a butterfly from the ocean (ironically her pet name was butterfly) and said a "butterfly for my butterfly"
No i didn't do a rebound i am still not ready for any sorts of relationships as i have other issues sadly thanks to the nice economy crisis.
I only made it halfway through the comments this time as i have tendency to read in reverse order, bout halfway through some anonymous person mentioned me and about sex and how she went back to her ex. Rhyming there is unintentional, for starters what were you doing watching them have sex or was this before you two dated?
I mentioned sex shouldn't be a big deal if two people are willing to try, she obviously isn't or is in a crossroad of her life as was mentioned looking for just a "fun person" to be with cause of other issues in her life.In my opinion without much information to go on you did nothing wrong, you just had bad timing like i've had.
Well nice guy equals inexperienced guy, not bad in bed and then there's other thing that goes into play with sex namely how the girl likes sex....maybe savannah should start a sex topic.
There was someone who pretty much said she was the "booty call", sounds like your just the on and off again sex until he can get with the girl he really likes, and when he gets her dumps you so all his words are lies.
OH OH someone that pulled a me, though you may think your taking her back out of love you should take look at how much she puts into the relationship and why you are breaking up so many times.
And i'm tired of reading already so i'm stuck on a guys view post just writing that to remember before i start reading again
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