Are You Giving Me An Ultimatum?
The New Year brings about changes and many want movement. This search has picked up and there was a request that it go on the front. This is from June of 2008.
"An ultimatum is a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance. " An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. As such, the time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotiation. "You find yourself in a relationship where you aren't getting what you want, you're putting up with something that you shouldn't, you want movement in either direction and you're ready to face the truth about the two of you. So, you offer or really threaten an ultimatum. Do you remember that playground question of "is that a threat?" The response was usually "no it's a promise." I know for me, if I actually give one, I've prepared myself for the worst and will accept what comes but hold true to my promise. Men dislike ultimatums and most of the men I know say they don't deal well with this because some of it is control. Some men feel when this time has come, the person they love is ready to let go because they gave the final demand. Women, this is where it gets tricky. I know a man who said that once the marry me or I'm gone in a month ultimatum was given he didn't want to come through with marriage because if she could leave him in a month then he was scared she'd leave him anyway. He let the woman go and said it was one of his biggest regrets. He realized he let his fears take over, but he saw that too late. I know plenty of women who feel the same way about ultimatums and if the man can threaten the well being of the relationship when he's losing an argument or feeling he's lost some control or direction, then he just knocked his credibility of stability down a few notches. A woman and I were wondering if there had been any research on how many men gave a woman an ultimatum and said, " If you don't marry me by the end of the year than this is over." How many women are laughing at that one? Probably no research there...
Have you ever been given an ultimatum or given one to someone? What did you do when your wish didn't come through?
January 25, 2009
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16 comments:
Anonymous said...
Can you put the ultimatum article up on front? I want to be able to read it but I can't find it again. I found you randomly on a search about giving ultimatums. I want to know if you can give a guy an ultimatum on giving up other women or else? I want a man to tell me if it will work to ultimatum him? Savannah what do you think and please if you can find it, will you put it on the front?
Thanks :0)
Ultimatum person,
I will put the ultimatum post on front there are many searching for it lately. That's what the New Year does to people, it makes them want movement in life. One piece of advice is if you do decide to ultimatum and the guy says he's not getting rid of the other women, realize he's willing to lose you because that's what you said.Ask yourself first before you ultimatum - are you willing to come through with your end of the or else...? If you're not, I'd think twice or your words won't carry much weight. I'll post it as well as your comment and my answer.
Savannah Jones
What about giving timeframes? Some women I know say to put a timeframe on leaving but sometimes it seems everything gets better and then there's a step back. It cycles like that so I think a timeframe is hard to do.
Lady up on the top of the page. Would it work for you to give up the men in your life for a man who ultimatums you?
credibility of stability knocked down with ultimatums- I don't think so unless it's said in a screaming way. It is ironic to me that men fall in love with a woman and in some ways promise marriage. They fell in love with this woman the way she was BEFORE they stole her self - esteem and then claim that she isn't the person he met so he can't come through with a proposal until she changes back. That was said to me a long long time ago. It took me in forever to move on and be okay. I don't think the guy will ever marry but why take away something you enjoyed and fell in love with? I say men but I don't know if all men do this and I hope they don't but this one man did and it scared me.
Whenever someone leaves or threatens leaving there's movement Savannah. That's the problem if someone is wanting movement both parties begin to win at this. One might be set free but in that situation it is movement even if not wanted and a chance to find someone new. In the case of the one that wouldn't commit, this person gets movement also and if he/she wouldn't commit because there was someone else, now the someone else gets to make that romance phase happens. Some people are just in love with love and not the work.
Savannah,
I am one of those ladies who is going to ultimatum my boyfriend real soon. The ultimatum will be tell me all of the past about a couple of women ( I already think I have the dots connected) or I'm going to connect the dots for those women. I want to get it all out there in the open to be dealt with so that I can see if this relationship is worth it. What do you think about this and do you have anything to add to this? Have you ever ultimatumed and how did it go?
Sunshine lover
Not too long ago I found out that my friendship was let go because of an ultimatum. I was the only person who showed up to a hospital where my old girlfriend's family member was dying. Her face said it all. She was happy to see me, relieved someone could be there for her, and was distraught with no one there to help her. She apologized to me for cutting me off. We dated for two years and then stayed friends. She met a man through an online service and next thing I no longer could speak with her and my emails were not replied to. I wish she had realized that our friendship especially at times like this is more important than a person only knew her a month and told her to drop me or else. I am there for my friend and now I'm being ultimatumed to give her up by my current girlfriend or else. I am taking the or else because anyone cold enough to ask me to not be there for someone during their time of need, is cold. I am putting this out there for those who give up friends and loved ones for a person they don't really know. Be careful, it is a good idea to get rid of short term relationship people but long term relationships especially if you lived together in the past like we had, people should be careful and respectful but nothing wrong to stay in some touch out of respect and with respect and boundaries.
I hope readers will not just read but also respond to this.
Playing fair is also an ultimatum. I called my boyfriends girlfriend that he recently broke up with for me. He said he couldn't work things out with her and she was unreasonable. He has a temper and is unreasonable and even though I came back to him, I'm holding on and seeing someone else just like he did to me. I'm playing fair. The call with the ex girlfriend didn't go well. It started with a man answering the phone, then one of her kids picking it up and saying hello. The family has been through enough but I want the truth and I think this woman will give it to me and once I get it, I will have my facts before he ultimatumes me or me to him. I took myself off of one dating site that he knew I was on but not the other two. I don't really see this working out even if we'd marry but I'm willing to give it one more shot for only about a month more. Frustrated but want to have a Valentine's Day and I don't want the other woman to have it with him. Do you think this man will ever give up the other woman?
Timeframes,
I think timeframes are a good idea. I understand the rollercoaster of good times after debating in your mind if you should end it. Relationships aren't without problems. It's what are the problems about and how are they handled that matter to me. I can't tell you what to do in a definite manner but I'd think about how long you want to ride the rollercoaster in the manner in which you are and if you never get married and this is your life are you happy about that?
Savannah Jones
Sunshine Lover and others who wrote in like this:
Think about what you're saying. Sometimes we have our eyes so focused on the goal that we can't see it might not be worth getting to. Sometimes time on its own will reveal for these women and you what really is going on, but what point does it serve to talk to these women? It doesn't change the fact that there might be or was something that doesn't add up. If you're looking for a reason to end this, you've already stated it. This relationship doesn't make you feel secure. I assume by you saying you could connect dots for them, you are saying you were or know of someone who was in their relationship they didn't know about when they were with the man you are now with. What purpose will it serve to upset anyone else? Figure out what you want with this man and if he's still dealing with those women you connecting any dots might scare off those women but you can't scare off the women you don't know about so figure out why and what you are doing with this man and then decide what is right for you, not the other women or even this man.
Savannah Jones
Playing fair,
I really don't know what to say to this except none of it sounds worth it. You can't give up others and you're not sure if he did. I think the man should be wondering about you too. However if you're in a relationship where you think in just two and a half weeks he might be having a "Valentine's Day" with the other woman he broke up with for you, what are you doing with him? This would drive me crazy to live with and I don't know, my family has been through a lot and this type of phone call wouldn't be something I'd want added to it so I'm not so sure the other woman is thinking she's wanting to spend Valentine's Day with your guy which I understand is the purpose of your call, and if a man answered her phone...that's probably who she's spending that special day with. Like I said above, you can't scare away every women and if you have to do that, is that how you want to be in a relationship? Whether the story he told you is true or not about his break up, you can never be sure you're hearing the truth from the person you call either, you might not hear anything but a click. At least that's what the women got when they called me.
Savannah Jones
Savannah,
I understand Playing Fairs idea about not wanting to spend Valentine's Day without the guy she's with even if it's not the right guy. It's like love the one you're with if you can't be with the one you love. Even if the one you're with loves someone else. It's just sex and love for a night with someone who thinks the world of you. What's wrong with that people?
The first woman in this string wrote about asking her guy to give up other women. I date around until I find the one I want to settle with. Asking me to give up other women won't work for me. I have a say yes to life approach but that also means say yes. I say yes I will and then say no I guess I couldn't do it like I thought. I make everything seem like it just happened to me. It is why I'm alone at least not married but not alone. I don't wish to be married when it really comes down to it, but I say I do. If you have to ask a guy to give up other women while dating you see the movie coming out, he's just not that into you.
Searched- when is the right time to give an ultimatum?
Answer- this site and page. This site doesn't say if there's a right time. Is there really a right time? I want to do this before Valentine's Day because I don't want to spend that evening with a man who doesn't want to be with me for a lifetime in marriage. I've been with him for over a year on and off but always in touch. He goes hot and cold about us. I keep trying to make it work but I'm not sure any of this is worth it. If he marries me he'll have to give up being friends, emailing, and meeting for lunches which all seem harmless but if the spark was there once it will be there again. I don't think he'll give up this woman who is now just a friend. When I ask about her he responds with the tone like she'll have nothing to do with him but I don't believe that or he's really asked her and she said no.
Savannah,
I hope you agree with the love the one your with. Why not? Even if there isn't anyone out there whom you love that you couldn't be with, but there's someone right there, why not let them love you and pseudo love them back? At least there's romance even if it isn't even. I don't think guys care about that.
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