How's Your Schema Today?

How's your schema doing today?

Someone wrote in with a reference to schema and relationships. I am sure this will send some of you off to Google- The schema that she was referring to is actually called maladaptive schema. There's also adaptive schema which is a little better to deal with. This may sound like an awful condition but really it is something that cognitive therapists have been dealing with for years. The trend that is causing younger people in their 30's - 50's to be aware of the terms and schema therapy have to do with more people seeking out methods to improve upon their relationship and being able to accept that there are some things that you can't solve on your own because it's hard to change something that has been ingrained since childhood and magnified throughout life. It's almost in fashion to have a therapist since many are getting in touch with who they are. The research by Jeffrey Young was recently published in a mainstream magazine. His research and therapy about schema's appeared in a recent Oprah Magazine and a co-worker brought it to me asking to explain the concept. I noticed in the site that many of you talk about going to counselors and very little talk about going to psychologists or even psychiatrists. I understand the reasons for a counselor but if you are wanting change to take place a counselor can help if he works with cognitive therapy which is really behavior modification. A psychologist works in that area most of the time. Jeffrey Young describes schema's as, "Extremely stable and enduring themes that develop during childhood, are elaborated throughout an individual’s lifetime, and are dysfunctional to a significant degree. These schema's serve as templates for the processing of later experience, " The point of the therapy is to undo the pattern that both partners have by visiting which maladaptive schema out of the possible 18, is at work in each person; where the action is being perceived and received incorrectly and then teaching behavior modification skills to react more appropriately and not let the buttons get pushed. Communication and closeness will improve and there'll be a better foundation for the relationship. Since there are two of you in this relationship, your schema's are reacting to each other and old buttons are getting pushed causing a reaction and it may be completely out of context of the meaning because the maladaptive schema isn't receiving it correctly. There's supposed to be a high success rate if both people in the relationship seek out this therapy together. It isn't an overnight success but if taken seriously on both sides progress will be made with each step. There is a quick 10 question test which is an easy reference to guide you to find your sore spots. Along with the 18 possibilities there are also "11 life traps". I had pretty evenly low numbers and only two areas that were one point higher. My numbers didn't get into the range where there could be a true analysis and approach. Although, I felt that the one point difference in those areas is a true indication of what I feel and am dealing with in my actual life as a single parent in a relationship raising teens basically on my own. I would love to see some of the people around me take this quiz as I wonder what would be learned and where one would go with the information. I do not believe that a 10 question test can be a guide to a cure-all approach. There's a much longer form of over 200 questions that one can answer in their spare time. I do know that just like with any addiction, problem and/or conflict, recognizing that there's something not quite right and wanting to deal with it; is the first step in the right direction.

If you get a chance to look up Jeffrey Young and maladaptive schemas, let me and the readers know what you think.

If relationships were easy we wouldn't have these quotes...

"Being a good husband is like being a stand -up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." - Jerry Seinfeld


"No matter when you try to recycle the newspaper, your spouse will not be done reading it yet."
- Peter Scott

"There's nothing you've ever been successful at that you didn't work on every day" - Will Smith

"Sexiness wears thin after a while, and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day. Now that's a real treat." - Unknown

"Before I met my wife I'd never fallen in love, I had stepped in it a few times but never fallen." - Anonymous

Reader's Words of Wisdom ... Do you agree?

Savannah,

I think the idea of acceptance of the one you love is critical in all of this. No one is perfect and no one person but yourself should be trying to make you happy. A happy person is just that - happy and the person they love makes life that much better. I accept that my wife isn't a person who cooks and cleans. I love coming home to her and I don't need her to be my mom and I don't need her to make up for my own problems of being a little ticked that I work so hard and don't have the little wife waiting for me. (used to want that) It's about accepting that this person that you love has opinions and a way about them that makes them who they are. Two opposites can very much build a life together but accepting that no one is supposed to come in and sacrifice their life for the other is key. If I asked my wife to quit her minimal paying job to stay home and take care of me...she'd be miserable and we wouldn't have much to talk about but the house and kids. I don't sit here like most of you and wonder what am I getting for my money, what am I getting for my time, how can she make my life easier. I ask myself will I be happier without her in my life and that's a no. I don't wonder if without her in my life could someone else do this better. I love my wife and that's it. I'm sure she'd like someone who is home more often and doesn't travel twice a month, I'm sure she'd settle for less money coming in and me home more, she'd give up her Lexus for Honda if it meant I was home more and made less money. I wanted the big house and extra cars. If our kids had college loans but I had more time with them as a family, she would be happy with this. Are you guys and women getting this? Be flexible, be accepting, give up your expectations, things find a way to work out. I know a woman who took care of a family but not to the guys expectations. She really put herself and her family in trouble by living together. Some of you may have to sacrifice your ideas and go with the one that's more flexible and left wide open in order for things to work. If you're a man or woman who has an idea of what roles and responsibilities should be divided and expected based on your own needs being met; you've set yourselves up for divorce and never being happy. No one can fill this expectation at this age. That was something for when you were in your twenties and just starting out. Many people have had to start their lives two and three times over due to ex problems, kids issues, and who knows what else. Each person out there has been through hell some more than others. We aren't here to make up for the lack of parenting, problems at work, maids that don't show up and etc. We are here to share the happiness. We do our own dishes, laundry and if anyone out there is thinking how they'd like a woman to do this at this age? You got some messed up expectations. She's been doing hers and you've been doing yours. You should help each other out. There is counseling and support groups for blended families and second marriages. Just accepting your mate and not laying down the law is what they suggest. Guidelines made as they go. Your partners only strength might be that she or he is a good companion. Go with that if you love this person. You can do the rest. But, listen to yourself when you are thinking in your forties and fifties how nice it would be to have a partner who does the laundry, cooking, managing the house, cleaning cars, making the calls for the real things, doctors, insurance and all. We'd all like a load off but we'd all like the person we love with us for a lifetime. The load gets lighter as the kids go off to college so if you don't have little ones...be flexible and accepting. Putting rules and constraints on someone while you go off and vacation and do for yourself because you think you are entitled or go about life like you did before your loved one came around but expect the loved one to change...is just wrong. Savannah, this is my opinion I know but it is a wise one. Many professionals would give this advice and have and those people when they buy into the notion that they'll BOTH be happier in the long run if they do this would also and do also give this advice. Please post this on the front I hope it is helpful for those visitors who are struggling.

What would you do?

The electronic world and your relationship...can you keep a secret? (email asking to revisit this topic)

My friends are great at catching their kids lying about whose house they're at and some have tracking on their phone to know if while the parents are out the child stayed home. Thus, assuming if child stayed home instead of as planned- a party may be in the works. You can check many different things and put programs in place to keep an eye on your kids but what about your boyfriend/girlfriend? What if you find nothing and what if you find something, how would you handle this? In the previous posts (which aren't restored) we talked about GPS systems and cell phones being a road map (no pun intended) to the past and possibly the present. Do you tell what you know or for the sake of the relationship do you keep it a secret? If a woman told you she was in touch with your boyfriend like that which went on in previous posts, would you tell your boyfriend? There are times I know my children weren't doing exactly as they had said, after all they are kids.They weren't doing anything bad just not what they said. I never let on I knew, I save that information just in case.Would you do the same if it was your significant other?

Your Story Rewritten

Can you rewrite your story?

There's no doubt that many of us have quite a story to tell. One day while on my way home from courtroom drama, I asked myself is this the story I want to have? Oh boy, not really was my answer. I sat down and had to really decide what do I want my days to look like, what comes first and I'll concentrate on that the most, who am I and how do I protect that part of me,who do I want in my life, etc. One day, I'd love to write the story of the past few years- for awhile I wasn't quite sure which part was the plot and which was the sub-plot; depending on the days it would flip-flop. I took control of that part by deciding that some of the main things I want should be the plot and the rest can be the sub-plot or just some footnote. There's still so much of my life that is unwritten; right now the ideas are being gathered and starting to get organized, sometimes my word choice gets better and I learn to add my voice to the ideas. (sorry, but I am a teacher and this is an analogy to 6-trait writing). Deep down I wouldn't want to rewrite the past because I believe that we are a sum of those experiences and the lessons learned. However, just because I wouldn't want to rewrite the past doesn't mean I wouldn't want to change the point of view. There are many men and women who aren't so proud of some of their behavior and some talk about it on this site. Lucky for some, the past has been deleted on this site. How do you approach someone you care about but couldn't trust; when it is clear that they've adopted a new view and way of life? If you love them and you decide to try it again together, how do you trust them? How do you handle something that looks like the past but has a completely different meaning behind it?

Some ups and some downs

Savannah,

Please post this question after you reply to me personally:



I was searching through the Internet and googled my boyfriends name. A website came up it actually was a blog site that was a personal photo album and comment place about a persons travel or journal or I'm not sure. There was a picture of my boyfriend with a woman and his kids. She listed the names of the people in the picture so I guess that's how the engine found this. There is a month and year on it but he was seeing me and never really made her out to be much and we went back to dating exclusively or so I think. There are pictures of just him or the two of them also. It really bothers me that the man I love is on a blog with another woman even if this is over between them. I can tell he took the pictures. In her blog she wrote how she found out who I was and would drive by my house. She goes on to say she's found a new guy and has moved on happily and this guy is younger and more available to keep up with her "drive." Strange because does the new guy know this exists and where's his pictures. I looked up his daughter's Facebook page and on a special occasion of his daughters, there's a greeting written on the wall with this woman's name as the person who wrote it. It was awhile back like I said, but people need to realize this stuff needs to be removed. My boyfriend and I have worked out our differences and we're looking forward to the years to come together. I don't want to bring this up but I really am bothered by this. When his daughter in the past had a huge party to celebrate I was invited but he was cold to me and distant. I wondered how many people knew this woman existed and laughed at how in love I was with him. I just feel foolish. Maybe they were just starting to be in touch but it wasn't right to do to me and I feel like she should remove this but to ask him to ask her puts them in touch. What would you do and please I want to know what others would do to?

You decide...

What topics and questions would you like to see? What do you Google when searching for advice?

Play nice and share

Valentine...will you be mine turned ugly?

While trying to keep up with the posts coming in and those who love the controversy and banter, I accidentally deleted the wrong site...late nights, much stress, and 4 out-of-the-ordinary reports due by Wed. I am sure many of you can relate.

For those just tuning in...the excitement was over men recognizing that on Valentine's Day the one they love might be expecting a ring and will be let down when it doesn't happen. Also, the women were wanting me to explain that men need to be sensitive to this. A man or two wrote in that this day is no fun for them either when they know anything less than a ring won't do. The men were asking for suggestions as to how to handle it and then it got ugly. There were men almost crossing a line regarding "mate poaching" and possibly women as well as a man wrote in about "old acquaintences" that feel he should tell his girlfriend about them. I apparently got a little flippant and the mud slinging began. Some comments were still available for viewing on here...just click the comments.

I can only hope that Blogger will recover my original site and comments. Although, I know some of you hope the past will disappear. Until then, we can just start new. I'm sorry that there were follow up comments that disappeared. If you wish to write them again feel free to do so.

Clarity

Clarity:

Today's topic stems from that moment when you know you are more than unhappy and putting up with a form of disrespect whether it be a cheating partner, a deceptive partner, a partner who promised you a future as husband and wife but is happy with it just the way it is forever. There aren't enough sick days for a young woman who falls in love and has her heart broken. I know a woman going through this. She couldn't put in for a personal day because she didn't see it coming two weeks in advance. I don't know- we all saw the train wreck was choo-chooing its way toward her for awhile now. We all know that person who knows she's not being treated right but doesn't know what to do with it because it might require letting go. It seems from many of the comments that many of you have put up with something that doesn't quite jive with who you are. Yet, you seem to understand or forgive and some even seek out the truth only to keep it to themselves. I can't even begin to cover all my moments of clarity, letting go and readjusting to the new situation. It isn't the easiest thing to do but some believe you have to have faith, for others it's a belief that everything happens for a reason, and there are those who know that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. We all consoled the woman at work in many different ways. She has confided in a couple of us and it seems it's because we are in agreement that she deserved better and remind her that what went wrong is really a problem within the guys personality traits and value system and nothing she did caused it or could stop it. She's letting go very slowly because the clarity hasn't come.

So, what happens to most of you? Do you get a moment of clarity and then say see ya or do you just one day say good-bye and then the fog clears? Do you miss work and take a break from your normal routines?

(written and posted in Feb. 08 asked to relist)