Is your relationship by default or by design? I've listened to so many stories of unhappy relationships and sometimes not many but just sometimes I hear, "What other options do I have?" It's as if these people are together by default. Default isn't always a bad thing. I know you're thinking who wants to be second best but consider that really there doesn't need to be a second best there doesn't need to be anyone. So, maybe you aren't second best but by default you are the winner. On the other hand some people feel that their relationship was somehow orchestrated by some higher power and it was simply meant to be for better or worse. Circumstances do have a way of pushing two people together but isn't it up to them where it goes from there? Maybe the two can't keep the fires burning or the interest that brought them together has waned when the circumstances change, then what? Was it really by design or default by proximity? Some of the people involved in rebound relationships feel they are chosen by default. Others who do the choosing, feel this person had been brought into their life by design. Of course there's the few who realize they've chosen this person all by their own doing and sucked them into a rebound relationship...I leave those comments to those that are hurt by the rebound scenario. In reflecting, it had occurred to me how many people married out of default and that someone in that relationship might have felt it was by design.
Any thoughts? Feel free to share...
December 12, 2008
Master Plan or Not?
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25 comments:
After mulling this over all morning, I've come to one conclusion. I have underestimated your power to baffle me. Lately the writing is getting better or more thought provoking and well the rebound idea is interesting. I had this talk with my wife about rebound relationships and how even though it might lead to marriage one or both of those people might have come together due to rebounding and how would you know the difference. I don't believe much in master plans but I somewhat believe in looking at what is in front of you and realizing it's there for a reason and the reason needs to be discovered. Problem is a majority of people don't see beyond the obvious and miss what is really within the person right in front of them.
design or default I have never thought of this and when I think of my relatonship with the man I'm with I've felt it was by design but the one he left for me was default. He'd say the same thing. We felt we were meant to be. We do fight a lot but the books, counselors and support groups of blended families tells us that it's a good sign that we fight. fighting is productive and at least we care enough about each other to get it out there. I'm writing about that because I'm not too keen on the whole fighting part and I'm not buying into it. I think when we're together we feel it is right and we don't feel that elsewhere so we plug along with our families in tow.
I could use some help with this because I wouldn't date a woman that I thought only liked me by "default". I considered myself second best. The guy she really wanted messed up and was out of there and then she fell for me? She missed that guy but said she loved me? I was hesitant and worried that this wasn't going to be the real thing and it was like it wasn't. She blamed that on me and told me I couldn't get her old boyfriend out of my own head and I might not have been able to but I don't think she did either. How do you know if you are chosen by default and you are saying it isn't always a bad thing. I am not sure how you see that.
Okay Okay, I'm admitting this anonymously. I once felt right after my divorce that the guy I met was the guy for me. He was artsy and intellectual and sexy, so so sexy. I had no idea that this wasn't the real thing. I told my friend that the moon and stars had aligned and brought him to me. She laughed in my face and told me to talk to her in six months. In six months it was over and I was devastated. Everyone told me he was my rebound person and I thought he was heaven sent. I'm wondering if he was by default or by design because he made me feel so attractive and since he was an artist he had so much time on his hands that I felt totally engulfed in him. I needed that after my divorce and I think he was by design but it was time for me to get real. Real isn't nearly as sexy or as much fun.
Told to check in and see what you're up to. Savannah, I'm impressed with this and have passed it on.
Ken
Women spend a lot of their day deciding what to say to a man just the right way in particular to make the date fall into her arms and never want to leave. I know when I'm getting ready for a date my mind is on he's here for a reason and I have to make sure I don't screw it up. I also no that if I date someone after a break up I don't think about those things while I'm getting ready. I think about what my ex boyfriend is doing and how mad and jealous I am. That's how I know that date that picks me up will be by default.
I'm an accomplished woman who has been divorced for three years. I've done the oh it's a master plan and almost gave up some of my dreams and desires because of those men. The only design is the one who lets you be you and in my case that's staying accomplished, staying a mom, and staying who I am. Am I the only one who thinks that at this age a man should take care of himself and I take care of myself?
I like your article but don't really understand how default could end up the winner is it because that person gets the one they wanted no matter what and the other one settled? I don't understand. I don't think I'd ever see default as a winning idea.
confused
It seems there's a lack of understanding as to how being a default person can be a good thing. I actually think it depends on how you see it and who sees it as by default. Some examples: If a man breaks up with a woman and the woman begins to date another man, he might think he was chosen and is the winner. He might be right, or he was by default because the person she wanted wasn't available or she doesn't want that other man because he broke her heart and this man that she's now with she believes entered her life by sheer design and that her break up was meant to be in order to be free to meet this man. The guy might view it as default and she by design. If she does view it by design than he's the lucky one and the only problem is his own, thinking it was by default.
Another example of by default not being a bad thing: A woman goes to bed at night knowing she's next to a man that might want to be elsewhere...but he isn't elsewhere and hasn't been elsewhere and she's there right then so she's ending up getting what she wants and that to her is by design not be default. Night after night and then day after day the man realizes he's fallen in love with this woman and maybe it's because the other one moved on or whatever but somehow she begins to be the chosen one. It's one example but really I don't think it's ALWAYS a plus in life to be the default person just sometimes because it isn't always the way it appears to be.
Savannah Jones
Rebounding is hard enough and then being comforted by someone who knows you are wishing you were with someone else but wants you all to himself is a hard thing to deal with. I don't get the guys who complain they are in a rebound relationship but knew that the woman was just out of a relationship. Do these guys bounce back quicker than women or are they emotionally out of touch with reality. Of course the woman is missing her old boyfriend and you look good because you aren't him but you are someone who wants her. Isn't that right Savannah or do I have this all wrong?
I don't think a rebound relationship is in the master plan but I know some people do. I don't know how it's by design and not default. I know it's how a person looks at life and it's belief that people come into it and leave it too but I don't get any of it and try to keep myself from involving others in my drama by leaving them out while I heal even if it means I'm alone for 6 months to a year.
What other options do I have is what I say about my current relationship and the answer I get is if you're worried about what you're missing than you aren't concentrating on what you have and maybe that's why it isn't 100%. I think that's a true thing to say and I'm working on trying to be there 100%. It's just that I'm very involved in my career and I'm very excited about new things and projects. I don't have a lot of time for someone else.
You know the saying love the one you're with? That applies here: I long for the man I'm in a relationship with but unlike the beginning when he had all this time available for me and put his kids on hold or sent them to their mom's, he now doesn't make the time. We are both too tired from our jobs or life. I'm tired but I'm more tired of being alone at night. My kids encourage me to go with them and friends of theirs whose parents are single. I enjoy it but miss my boyfriend. He's gone on travel a lot for business too. Sometimes I do think it's by design that he's gone and I'm to make something of these events with my kids friends. Or are they by default or am I by default to my boyfriend?
I think this should go on closure but didn't know if anyone goes back in the colunmn.
I think I was meant to be with a woman by design and by default. I dated her for a few months and I know she is for me. I was what a woman or savannah would call a default person. The guy she loves lied to her. She found out and left him. I know thats not what she wanted and she turned to me. I let her because I was happy to have her. What I didn't do was let her vent to me about the other guy and what he did to her. I should have. I think she feels that I don't understand her or what her day is like and more. If I had let her talk about it then I would have been more than default I would have been by her design. She went back to that guy for about four months and left him again and is with someone new. I think about her all of the time. I think this guy is listening to everything I should have. any suggestions and I wonder if any men have any suggestions if they've been through this.
desperate
Savannah,
Interesting title and idea given the recent events of your life. I know those events aren't exactly regarding this article but the idea of design, default, and masterplan are worth entertaining. I can't imaagine ever going through what you've experienced and to be strong like you are is admirable. My question is when is enough really enough? I don't mean coming and going in a relationship but life in it's pure general form. When do we look at the grand master plan like you put it, and say no matter what I do this seems to be what's in store for me and accept it with all it's shortcomings, faults, and lack of umphh that so many of us need and make the best of it? I haven't lived even half of what you have and that's the question I ask myself and my students. You must be looking at the path ahead of you in disbelief as much as you look at the road you traveled to get here in disbelief. I write this because there is so much one can learn from what you've been through and how you handle it. It's obvious there's a strong belief system and idea of what your boundaries are to live and to what extent you will let others effect you or change you. What a great example of how to live amongst turmoil and remain who you are. I hope one day you will share that story with others...there are many lessons you could teach because of it.
Brian
This is to say that destiny plays into our relationships. I don't believe in destiny but I believe in being destined by my own doing to be with the woman I'm with.
how neat of a way to put this. I think I'm a fill in but not by default. I'm not sure who this guy wants to be with but I think I'm just filling in until something better comes along. I keep that in mind but that also makes me want to have a filler guy.
I find my friend who happens to be a woman very interesting. She told me that her boyfriend doesn't find her interesting because there's nothing new to deal with and she doesn't work. I find her attractive because she doesn't work but gives of her self to her friends and loved ones. She doesn't have much going on but still can talk and keep a conversation going. I think he's with her by default and she thinks it's design but I think she's in my life by designn and I will get her by default. I like these terms.
to believe that a person is by a design in my life is also to believe that when he leaves is also by design. I don't believe that idea that when it's over it's by design. You don't let someone go because that's the plan, you let them go out of being lazy and weak.
My relationship is what I went searching about. I asked if it could be true that we are together because we can't find anyone else and I got this site.
Is there a formula for people to go by that can answer this?
searching
shopping for the holidays has been a downer for me and my boyfriend. we are realizing we don't know each other. Our parents tell us you aren't supposed to know what each other wants you are supposed to learn how to communicate it. Then to make it worse my mom gave us an article about unrealistic expectations due to movies and romantic comodies and the communication was on it. It said that we think our loves should read our minds and it's not realistic and we romantisize it because of the movies.
I've thought about this and thought long and hard about it all. A year's end brings one to think about their relationships and the people in them. I have a new view of my friends, family, and parnter in love. Some of these pictures in my mind bring me happiness and others are bringing me stress. Stress is a part of life and I'm told that I need to remember that nothing worth having comes freely. There is plenty not worth having that also doesn't come freely. I don't know what to do and that tells me to do nothing. Is that by design or by my own choosing.
Master Plan is what people say when they marry or find the true love. I think my friend's true love is someone other than the one she dates. I also think my true love is going to ask me to marry him soon. I know he is and I believed in it and do think it was design. How do you get others to know some thing right in front of them is by design and they need to get rid of mr. default. My friend reads your column three times a week. I hope she sees this. I think I'll direct her to it. Maybe reading the words will have more impact than when I say them over and over to her.
I don't know how what I'm living is by design or by default but I know it's not the way I want to be living it. I'm the outsider nice guy who does everything the not so nice and not so honest boyfriend doesn't do. Then when I opened my mouth to the woman I'm talking about, she told me this guy wasn't and isn't her boyfriend. She didn't elaborate. I don't know what to do now. Do I tell her how I feel? I don't think she's stupid and so I think she already knows how I feel and if she felt the same she'd say so. What's a guy to do? I'd like a man's view because sometimes woman are wishy washy and romantic and a man get hurts. I want a man's opinion and then Savannah's or any other.
Robert
I love this love this love this. It is brilliant.
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