A bear with the right words...my favorite bear :)

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." By Winnie The Pooh

Many come to this site looking for hope, answers and to not feel alone. Often we turn to our friends to tell us what we really already know but need validation. Sometimes we need to talk things through or vent just to see clearly. When it comes to relationships; there are so many who aren't sure where they stand with the one they love. There are many who are breaking up, getting divorced, needing to decide if staying or leaving is the answer. Others are looking for reassurance that the one chosen person is really the one that should be chosen. Do you doubt yourself or are you afraid that others look at your choices and doubt your ability to choose? The stress at work had been mounting and we have been bonding together to remind a newlywed to get home to her husband, the new mom to get home to her baby, and the single mom to move onto her kids and life that she's rebuilding as soon as work time is over. Sometimes these are the ones that tell me that going home can be worse than being at work or no need to rush home - there's no one worth seeing at home. This isn't to say that no one is home; just in their own mind no one worthy of seeing. Sometimes we forget how strong we are and most know when the smarts have kicked in but often feel others haven't quite gotten the message. As far as bravery goes...let's just say there are many who are brave in the face of adversity and I've seen even the weakest come through strong and full of courage. For some people getting up in the morning to face the day is a sign of bravery. Relationships are a daily job and a job that not everyone is up to. I was asked the following: What happens when you don't want to go it alone by way of giving up the past to be with someone who doesn't fit the same bill of the one prior? How to deal with the possibility of choosing kindness and security over love and connection but not letting on that it's why you chose the person? What is someone supposed to do when life has thrown him experiences not shared by many but are life changing experiences - where will connection fit in?

The last couple of posts created more questions/emails than answers and all I could think of is the great words of Winnie The Pooh. It also came to mind that many are not alone in their feelings and thoughts and for some that knowledge seems to comfort. When times are tough...remember the sweet bear reminding you that you can get through it and sometimes even wiser.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Connecting...

How do you connect with the one you love...do you connect with the one you love? Do you put yourself out there but get left hanging wondering what is it going to take? Since Lets Talk Over Latte got started, I've had many ask me why I think they can't connect to someone and keep it that way, why they feel connected but it doesn't last, and how to break through a past that's still connected while wanting a future with someone else? So, this one is for you to answer...lend your insight.

Let's Talk Over Latte...Literally

Like many others - I stop at the Starbucks close to my work and make my way in drive thru. The voice comes through the box asking me how my morning is going and when I ask in return, the voice in the box remembers my usual drink and doesn't try to tempt me with anything extra. Our daily five minute relationship started about two years ago when I received my first big gift card. I have seen some employees come and go but many are steadfast and true. This one gentleman in particular, who is a barista, greets me with a smile and this year has added a tag check to the transaction. You see, for those of you who don't know me, I have this terrible habit of having my clothing tag stick out of my shirt by my neck. I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. Each morning if it should be there, this sweet barista reminds me to tuck it in. However, last week there was a delay in processing my order which led to "connecting time". Yes, we did the tag check and then the questions flowed: Do I have kids, do I like my car, where do I work, do I like my job, who is the second drink order for, and what happened to the original tag check guy because last year my tag didn't stick up so much? I was stunned because it was true...the tag guy was no longer around to check my tag and I hadn't even thought about how this Starbucks guy picked up the job since then. The next day I had to go in because the line was too long; my drinks were started right as I was spotted and finished exactly when I reached the cashier. I was asked if I wanted to live on the wild side and try the new Via coffee but my favorite barista negatively shook his head, smiled and said, she likes to have the coffee made just the way she likes it and it would be too much to do with Via...right? This was getting a little creepy to me when he started to rattle off that I like electronics but not the feminine accessories that go with it. I like hot pink but only on certain items, he also noticed that I wear a lot of black and don't like to talk on the cell phone when in the car, used to have a boyfriend who was attentive to my tags, and color my hair about every four weeks. WOW! I've always been surprised by the details people will share with complete strangers and lack the openness in a real ongoing relationship but this was all done by observation. I was asked for confirmation and approvingly gave it. I added that I know he's kind, observant, likes to get to know others, and knows better than to hit on a woman more than 15 years older than him which actually makes him sweet. There are couples who've dated for years who still don't pick up on each other’s nuances and idiosyncrasies. Entering work just a few minutes behind my normal schedule; I was greeted at my door with a concerned co-worker. He was worried something happened since I’m like clockwork and was a little late. I shared this experience with my co-worker who informed me that in the first week of meeting him I knew more about him than his ex wife ever cared to learn in all of the years they'd been married. We all hope to find someone who just gets us and I'm not looking to the much younger barista for this but it was a good reminder that going it alone isn't always the best idea...some days you need a tag checker and someone who just gets you.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Does it make a difference?

So you're out of high school and thinking it won't matter what circle you were in because it's all an open world now; you can mix with whomever you like and "those people" will mix with you. The dating world is out there for you to choose beyond your standard circles and no matter which side of the track you grew up on; you've created your own world and one in which you hope to find someone that meshes with it. In education the teachers are told to develop common knowledge and background between the students prior to teaching the actual lesson. I've found that the real lesson is often in the process of developing a common thread between these students and their experiences. All go to the same school, but come from different sides of the track sort of speak. Like these kids; many adults speak of cultural differences, socio - economic differences, value differences and spiritual differences when talking about disconnects in their life as well as in their dating experiences. There's a want and a will to bridge these gaps but some find it difficult to do so. Others often spend many years in love with someone; all for it to come down to differences that can't be bridged due to upbringing, value systems, and a gap in philosophy in general. At this point communication might be quite difficult since there isn't this common ground of understanding. Where do you go with this? While watching Tuesdays With Morrie with a group of young teens; Morrie's aphorism of "love always wins" comes up in the movie and these teens laughed. I stopped the movie and said," what, no believers...why?" The differences that exist began flowing from their mouths as the pure reason why love doesn't always win. One teen told of a story of how a person can be so in love with someone for whom they are and what they stand for but not who they are while with them. So what do you do when you're from one side of the track and the person who makes your heart beat a little faster is from the other but as adults you're both on the same track? Does it matter, make a difference, or does it just all work out?

©2009 Savannah Jones

The Referral Date

You've either been fixed up on a blind date, met by a service of some kind, or you really thought in some way going on a date with a co-worker or friend was a good idea for your future. Any which way you slice it- not connecting. There's something missing from this date; maybe a spark or two, a disconnect on interests, one of you is right/left wing or no wing but the wrong wing, and you want to leave but should you? Do you find yourself texting under the table or excusing yourself to go to the restroom to send an SOS that your friend needs to save you from this date and call soon? I know I've left a date or two quite early in the evening and should have probably left a couple more of them than I did. However, while being wined and dined does it dawn on you that while this date isn't a match made in heaven for you; your date would really be a match for your single friend? Do you offer it up or go along with the date? Letting someone down is hard to do but what if you could lessen the blow by letting the person know you think he/she has some great qualities inside but your friend might be better suited for him/her? That my friend; is the referral date. A date you go on but then refer a friend. I don't know if there's a refer a friend bonus program or a trial period where you try out the basic model and if you like it you can upgrade to the friend, but why miss out on an opportunity if you aren't attached or motivated to be? Out at a gathering of friends; someone brought along a few newbies to the group. It turned out the women were all single and looking. Where the looking took place seemed to be the most important factor since the pickings were slim to none at least when looking for a real future and not one that lasts less than 24hours. I began searching the Rolodex in my head of possible people that would be a match for these women when one of the girls said she didn't want anyone I had a relationship with. I assured her that I was thinking of the men that I met but weren't for me but somehow we stayed in touch. How great it would be to make two people happy by introducing them? One woman's reaction was less than enthused and another was open. By now we all know not everyone is going to hit it off or even have lasting common ground so if you can in good faith refer a friend for all of the right reasons wouldn't that be better than knowing it but leaving it a secret? I know it sounds like someone is passing around the Thanksgiving turkey and the good pieces seem to be gone by the time it gets to you. So, what if the plate could cross the table instead of going round and round; your chances of finding the right one just opened up sooner than waiting for the plate to come to you...right?

What’s your view of referral dates if in the position to recommend?

©2009 Savannah Jones