Smart Women Don't Care? Listen Up Men!

Money Isn't Everything...
Exhausted from being a mom, sitting in three doctor's offices in a day hearing the same theme over and over to my daughter...Your mom knows what she's doing, she's done her homework, she's got a great head on her shoulders, you will be fine with your mom by your side. By her side? I wanted to go to sleep and pretend this day, past days and some days ahead are just a bad dream. Besides, how many teenage daughters really believe their mom knows best? For the moment and on this particular day only, I had a teenage daughter thinking I knew what was best...or at least she was being agreeable. My daughter spent the day learning about her family health history, learned about sex, choosing a partner for the right reasons, how to handle customer service, and that the computer isn't always right. I looked over at my sweet, very intelligent and verbally expressive daughter, who was goofing off with a stuffed animal, and just laughed. How could I get all of this done, know what I know and yet didn't pick the cream of the crop to marry? My answer was sitting next to me in an article in Psychology Today. Intelligent women with a high verbal IQ, marry for love. AHHH....there it is men! Men have been writing in saying that women want the money and the fancy cars. This study says differently or the flipside to me- it's saying that the men complaining they've been left for men with money may not be dating the cream of the crop- so did you really lose anything to that rich guy? The higher the verbal IQ the less likely the woman is to conform to gender roles and the more likely she will seek out a partner who will help around the house, change diapers, be invested in the home, kids, family while also earning money. However, based on other research, she's not looking for an infinite amount of money. She wants a comfortable living in which she contributes but wants a home life where the gender roles are not confined to social norms. Well...there you have it. Anyone who knows about my marriage and the different roles we took on will understand when I say...based on the comments regarding smarts being equal to choosing a man who is open to being involved in the diaper changing ways etc....must make me the smartest woman out there...in other ways...what was I thinking? Okay in all fairness...my marriage's outcome isn't the norm for this study but it is saying that the women who have knowledge and who can express themselves tend to not go for what many of the men say they do. When I read some comments from men who feel they lost a woman to a man who has money, I often wonder is that their own insecurity and not the real reason? Maybe the man is truly a great guy and helps out in other ways as well as mopping the floor. This is a small study of research and the article was a blip in the magazine, but at the time I was explaining to my daughter how she needs to build a life and choose a career path for herself that will allow her to be happy and to have the things she wants and needs as if a man isn't part of it, then go get the guy but I cautioned her and added...make sure he doesn't need your money and smarts to survive.

Men and women...what are your thoughts? Guys who wrote in about losing a guy to money or losing a guy to what you would define to be a loser, what do you think about this information and twist? Do you find it to be true? Women is this ringing true to you?

Have you ever said this....?

When you've been married for a long time and then you cast yourself onto the single scene...
You need to pick up on the what's in and out these days. Quickly I learned that on the first date you need to be aware of what you are saying and wonder why the guy is interested after you do. If you are telling a commitment phobic man within the first couple of dates that you're not sure you'll remarry, should you be surprised that after you dated awhile he isn't interested in marriage and your left hanging? Why should someone be so devastated when a person says you are more into this than me; when the person clearly stated in the first couple of dates that they weren't looking for anything serious? Oh, did this person forget to say ... I'm looking for anything serious "just not with you"? A person tells you they aren't able to stay monogamous after you have announced that you don't know what you want or what kind of person you need because you just got divorced and you're finding your way. Why then, after three months of dating this person, does it surprise you when you find out they also see a couple of other women/ men? I know this backs into what I said about people will tell you who they are and you need to listen, but what are you telling those people about yourself in those first couple of dates that is attracting them? When someone says I just got out of a relationship and I was pretty hurt by it so I'm looking to relax and take things slow, what does that tell you? To me it says you might be the rebound person so enter with caution. But to someone else it may mean ...great I have no strings attached and I have time to play. Here's one that was told to me on a first date...A man told me a story about dating since his divorce; he promised me that one day if he's not the one I marry, I will end up using this phrase because it's inevitable. The phrase being..."I can't give you what you want." He assured me that I would use it because the day will come when I will learn my limits and the value of who I am. He told me he had to say this to a couple of women when they wanted something more from him, like a commitment or marriage. I asked without a reply given why this phrase, why not say "I'm not what you are looking for"? I met a man who really wanted to go on another date and I told him I couldn't because based on what he was telling me, I'm not what he was looking for. He had many of the qualities that I find appealing, but I wasn't for him. Thought I'd save us both time. It all became clear when the man tried to convince me that I am exactly what he was looking for. Not one thing he said was me. So... I then used the line- "Based on our conversation, I can't give you what you need. " It was that simple. Discussion over and the man thanked me for being honest and letting him know that I'm not going to give him what he needs. What I learned...if you say it the other way, it makes a person find reasons why you might be what he/she is looking for and therefore makes it harder for you to walk away. These last two months I have been observing and having conversations with people who are surprised they are with what they are with and don't know how to get out or don't want to get out of it. In each case there has been an aspect of a flashback to what was said within the first few dates that now makes so much sense and addresses the current negative issues on the table. This isn't true in every case such as someone who is hiding who they really are until you are so hooked you don't know what to do. Some of those people know what's lacking and know they need the mystery to keep you. So, think about what YOU tell people about yourself that made them say...aahhh this one just might be for me.

What do you think of some of these overused but useful phrases? When you reflect on love lost...did you find that person was upfront and you didn't catch on? How does that change how you view the relationship? Feel free to add your own thoughts or views on these phrases or situations you didn't catch until it was too late...

The Things We Do For Love

Think of all the years you've dated...
what kind of things did you do for love? I don't mean like jumping on Oprah's couch like Tom Cruise kind of things. I'm talking about the things you put up with because you really loved someone and because you knew that no one is perfect, you accepted this person,their imperfections and loved them in spite of them. Why them and why that list of irregularities? Did they deserve you and your love? Do I need to point out how many self help books regarding relationships and co-dependent relationships there are in the bookstores? There are even Ebooks out there sending the help online for $19.99 a download, some have advertised on my site. We must have concerns about our behavior or the personality of the ones we love or these books wouldn't sell. In the past, many of my research papers for college and high school were human behavior based. I had to do a lot of reading and learning about people. In college I read many books to site for my research papers; this was in the dinosaur age so no laptop or Google. I read everything and sometimes would get so engrossed that I'd forget I had a paper due. In college I really had no idea I'd need some of this for my own personal use in the years to come. (Luckily, I saved many of the books and have had to loan them out frequently) Actually, it was hard for me to believe that there were so many personality disorders and many could exist in one person. Another point brought out in one of my psychology classes was that some of the people know their disorders exist but many of the disorders distort the internal view that they don't know it's effect on others and themselves. I've been asked this many times in the past 10 years...is anyone normal? What worries me is what "is" considered the norm. If a woman tells me her relationship history seeking to vent or get advice, she'll usually ask me why this happens so often? She'll talk about the four or five more women she knows who know four or five more all going through the same thing. Men will try and try with a woman and hope to win her over, some try to change who they are but can't, some try and become outgoing and it's not who they are, others try and be understanding and patient and end up the rebound guy. This isn't just a woman's problem. Here's my take, we've all been in this boat where we've accepted less than we want in some areas, got more than we need in others, and/or tried to hold onto the wrong person for us because we loved them and had to learn how to let them go.

Do you know when you're dealing with a personality disorder or it's just a quirk or trait? What kind of things do you do for love that you're not proud of, wish you hadn't, wish you could be as uncaring towards as others have been to you, glad you did but know you shouldn't have...?

*one question I get asked a lot is to describe the difference between someone controlling and selfish and a narcissist.) I have a link below that is very helpful
with this.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

To Tell or Not To Tell That Is The Question

Here's something to think about men and women...
You know that your boyfriend/girlfriend had dated people before meeting you. In some cases you might even know who they are or their names. It's not likely that you are going to meet someone who hasn't dated before at this age or have an ex. No big deal...right? So, one day you get home from work and you look at CallerID to see who called. (Friends, yes, I know I don't do this and you would like it if I did) You find a name you don't know but remember you've seen it on the screen a couple of times before. It turns out to be your boyfriends/girlfriends past. If you have no intentions of calling the number back or talking to this person if they call again, do you think it would be best to keep this to yourself or tell your significant other? What if...you thought this person was in the past but they are part of the present and they want to talk to you about it? What would you do? What good is it to stir up trouble? Well... I asked around to a few women and men. Here's the scoop on the men- most wouldn't do it in the first place. Meaning most men wouldn't call the new guy. Actually, not one man said they would. This was a very small sample of men but even so it was a good solid no given by each. Not so simple for the women. Each woman I spoke with said they wanted to do this at one point or another and many say they did and made contact. Did they feel better afterward? Yes, they said they felt better they called and talked. Most of the women found out it was a call to see if the story they were told was true and check out timelines and behavior. Many wanted to see when the one woman entered and they were ousted- you know, did the connection overlap with the relationship. Other ideas for the call were to say this is what I'm being told what are you being told and to point out that one or both of you are being lied to. There was a time when I thought how nice it would be to really know it all...but would it? I've always wondered what the flip side would be. Would the person rat me out even though they basically destroyed the character of the guy all by themself? Wouldn't this come down to a she said she said? What if I was the one they were finding out about, how would that go over? In my opinion this is a no win situation where common sense needs to prevail over emotions and short term gain. The common sense from someone who's been there...just because you know about this one doesn't mean you can chase the others away and in the end, if this is what you are needing to do than this person isn't good for your peace of mind.

The questions I have are: Once the call has been made to you, whether you answer or not, would you tell your partner? If you are the guy...would you want to know or hope it all gets swept under the rug? Guys, lets say you know the call took place before your girlfriend found out and you erased all evidence...would you tell that the call took place at all? Do you feel there's a right way or wrong way to handle this?

Rebound Relationship Inquiry

I've received a little more than a few questions regarding the rebound post...
1. How do you know if you're dating a girl on the rebound?
2. How do you know if you're dating a man on the rebound?
3. What do you do if you know you are dating someone on the rebound?
4. What if you are the person rebounding and you can't get over your ex?
If you will, then I will, keep in mind while I answer these that this is an outsiders view and not the person involved. ( I know that's a difficult place to be).

#1 and #2. I think there will be certain signs if you're dating someone on the rebound. I have no scientific proof except my own experience and those that shared theirs with me. Some signs: checking the phone, using the restroom a little too often (texting - checking messages). Your date needs to go home early (hoping phone will ring before bed or needs to make that bedtime call). Arrives late to dates (on phone, texting, im's, listening to messages, arranging a meet up time all possible). I looked this one up, but saying the ex's name when addressing you a couple of times not a horrible thing but saying it all of the time...not a good sign. Ex on speed dial still, screen saver on phone is a picture of ex. You ask a question about the past...let the date answer but don't follow up...here's where the identifier becomes difficult. It may sound like your date isn't on the rebound if they don't want to talk and it may sound like your date is on the rebound if they can't stop talking about the ex. I've asked professionals about this and the best answer had to do with an example of a rebounder who may not want to talk about the ex because they start missing that person and so they don't talk but someone not on the rebound may do the same thing because feelings dead and it's passed. Same goes for talking too much about the ex. If they were friends and share a connection in a positive way, sharing and talking about it to you is a good thing. If they are on the rebound they may still share and talk but with regret. I think personally it might all be in the tone and look. I've watched people look away and say it isn't important anymore and then found out the ex was very much in the picture. I've had people spend hours talking about the ex and it made them feel better and move on.

#3. What do you do if you know you are dating someone on the rebound? Hmmm....I'd ask myself if I could deal with this, is this worth it to me to be the one who is the stepping stone (although people have married their rebound person) I think I'd be investing time I'd rather spend elsewhere. I don't date newly divorced men for this reason - they have to deal with leftover and incoming feelings and it can be a process. If I chose to go ahead, I'd be careful with moving too fast and jumping all in. This person needs time and space to deal with what they feel or need to begin feeling. Some relationships die and stay dead and no one looks back...maybe they mourned the relationship while in it. I would find out and ask what is this person really looking for and wanting from their dating experience with you or anyone else. It's possible the answer might surprise you. Have patience if you're doing this and be there if the person needs to talk but keep in mind you are the rebound person and time and patience is the only thing that's going to get you through this but also they are the two things you will lose in this too.

#4. This one is simple if you are rebounding and can't get over your ex...get help from others if you've really tried to do this on your own and can't. I'd start with building a life outside of others by picking up on hobbies that are truly your own..how do you think this site got started and now look more than a year later and going strong! You need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself in silence, at home, alone when out in public, at events, and so on. Once you get so busy working on you, you will be in a better place when you meet the next person. Counseling is an option and many insurances will cover it. There are local support groups possibly right in your area through local churches and community centers...these may even be free to join. Google your area and you can even start with co-dependency support groups as a start, divorce support groups, widow support groups, whatever you need.

If you have any comments or advice to give these people...please add them to the site. There were many questions and searches on my site for this. I hope it helps.