August 30, 2012

Thinking back to the character Chandler from the show Friends, I'm reminded of how he would find something wrong with every woman he dated until Monica.  Have you ever listened to people talk about their first, second, and maybe third dates?  It reveals so much about the person talking and his/her date.  You learn what this person needs.  All day I make decisions at work and am responsible for shaping the minds of almost 150 teens while keeping many adults on track and fielding questions and concerns from parents. I come home and have to make many more decisions and am the head of this household like many.  I was asked if I liked being the leader of a relationship at home since I do it with "ease" at work...My eyes rolled with dismay. How could someone see what I do all day and think I want to come home and make more decisions?  The woman asking explained that she would think I had to be in control 24/7.  That's probably true for many but also not true for many as well. Some aren't in control at work and choose to be managers and/or followers but not leaders. They may be the ones who are in control at home - or not. Why not just ask, " What do you need from me? "  Is the problem in the asking, are the wrong assumptions brewing, or maybe it's just a communication gap or lack thereof.  Either way, I am observing even those in my own life and wondering why they don't just ask even if it's asking me. We gravitate and make time for those who meet our needs as previously discussed. Making time for someone and carving out a special place in your life for this person and sharing it with your kids can have its' challenges.  What amazes me are those who talk about how they wish to have a relationship even with a specific person but have sized this person up completely wrong so they miss the mark and opportunity of a flourishing relationship.  In the meantime, someone else fills the communication gap and more.  Yesterday I heard someone call it being in the zone and he didn't mean "friend zone."  He talked about opportunity and how some just don't see it, or they wait for it, but don't create it in a way that it just happens.  Sometimes you have to plan spontaneous moments :)  Think about it...What have you planned in your life just to have an impromptu moment?

Savannah Jones 2012

August 12, 2012

The gift of conversation

The inbox has been filled with repetitive comments on random acts of kindness v. consistency with kind acts.  But, it's a discussion I had with a friend that really made me think about another component to this.  This man is married without kids and has a big heart that is only shared with those he loves. He asked why so many people focus on the person that professes to want a relationship and comes through with random acts, or answers the call for help but not on the person that is steady and consistent but not professing?  He said, he would find himself turning his attention to the one who is steady and consistent and begin building a bridge to that person. I explained it's because, at least with women, if a guy says he'd like a relationship with a woman, he needs to be consistent in order to be counted on. Once someone mentions he would like a relationship, the woman begins to think of him in terms of that role.  If another man in her life is fulfilling that role on a consistent basis, then the one who wants the relationship needs to as well.  His answer to this - Well I guess the guy professing is all about himself and thinks of himself so he professes because it's about him. Hence random acts instead of consistency of building the woman into his daily waking thoughts and actions. The guy doing the consistent kind acts and doing the thinking for the woman is about the woman and maybe it's pure and/or maybe it's wanting the woman to come around to the conclusion that she can't live without him. This big hearted gentleman talked about all that he does for a woman in his past because he wants to. He doesn't want a relationship with her but did have one at one time. He talked about how he knows she needs him still and that even though the relationship didn't work out, he still would be there for her financially and such without her asking. He thinks of her daily because he made it his mission to do so. As he puts it it takes little time especially if his motto is, "What does she need that she's not able to ask for?  What is weighing her down that she talks about or not and can I fix it without bothering her about it?"  He truly wants to take a load off of this person for whatever reason.  Does it make him feel good?  I'm sure it does but that part he doesn't talk about.  He did say that he wishes some guy came along and took over this because it would mean she found someone who loved her as much as he did. I thought about people I had long relationships with and how know matter what transpired between us, all I want for them is to find happiness. Sounds a little cheesy I know but it's true. That's what makes me feel better. 

If you're a random act guy or think you are, please send in your thoughts.

Savannah Jones 2012