Too much, too fast, too many...possibly?

Everything and anything is possible...so I'm told, but that's usually said to give me the feeling that I can achieve whatever I aim for and all my wishes will come true so I should shoot for the moon. And as the saying goes, if I land on a star then I have reached really high and it's great just the way it is. I have a book mark that has the quote on it for inspirational moments. However does this apply to your love life? With all of the choices out there; actually virtually out there...do we feel we might be missing out even if the person we're with is a good match for us and landing on that star isn't good enough because the moon just might be attainable? I guess I better define "good match". It's all good, not perfect obviously, but all good and you're both happy and things just work, you're in love and able to work on the big stuff, and you can fill in the blank for the rest. When I was newly single and dating away to meet people and figure out what was best for me, I noticed that even I could get overbooked, preoccupied with the other choices, and having my hopes on returning home to an email from profile #5678 while on a date with profile #1234. Maybe I thought the second guy had more qualities on paper that would work out better for me but as we all know, it can all be deceiving and as some are learning some of these people may not actually exist. We still need our resources though so maybe you've signed up for a couple of online services and possibly put down payment equal to a couple car payments to a dating service promising 15 dates, all in the hopes of finding the "perfect" one. I've been there on the date where you can tell a commitment is going to be hard to reach because you're being compared to something not yet given the chance to deliver or it was getting there but not as fast as your relationship and there's this fork in the road needing to be decided upon. In the name of finding a love and companion for life is it possible that there are too many services allowing for us to feel we haven't come close to really seeing it all to make a decision? Why need to see it all anyway if the person you're with is good enough for you and you wouldn't look to upgrade or trade in if the virtual options weren't appearing to be attainable? Is this a gender thing where there are more men thinking they might be missing out compared to a woman? When I was on overload, I almost cracked. I couldn't remember what I wore and with whom and who had what going on in their family and life. It was too much and not me, but when I thought I found someone worth taking the time to explore a relationship with, I could tell this person had a fork in the road decision to make. Should that be the case but you are the chosen one, the discussion turns to removing oneself from all of the dating sites, services, and email contacts in order to be committed to working on being a partnership. Now, think how easy it is to have all of this available again at just a click during a disagreement, low moment, insecure time. In just a flash you can reopen your profile, account, send an email that seems innocent but caring in nature. Um, sure, we won't know if it happened or not but does anyone see how defeating this behavior is if what they want is a real relationship leading to more? It isn't always a matter of getting caught, in some cases it's a matter of self defeating behavior that keeps yourself from living the life you want with the person that wasn't just good enough but possibly quite right for you.

Share your thoughts...

©2009 Savannah Jones

How to explain...

Taking a break from playing Wii's Mario Party with my kids, we had to check in on the Michael Jackson story. For better or worse, my kids understand what's going on with the investigation and the issues at hand. What happened in between shows, that's another story. There was breaking news of another congressman who had an affair and a follow up to the last politician whose affair became public. Next in the line up, a commercial for Ashley Madison dating service came on and my daughter asked, " What does it mean when it says - when divorce is not an option." My son inferred that it meant trying to find the right one so you don't end up divorced. Ashley Madison is for people who are married, looking to stay married, but need a little something more. Another commercial came to mind that has since been removed. It was a commercial making it appear that if you aren't a married couple, your children will have tremendous issues and that it's unacceptable. I know in my hometown it was discussed on a radio show and the host said his company will not play it since so many families are on their way to school listening to the radio and feeling great about who they are and what they've accomplished. To hear this might have quite an effect on a child's self esteem more than the fact that their parents are divorced. Well...I get that and completely agreed this commercial was doing more harm than good if you consider that one of every two marriages ends in divorce. But what message is this Ashley Madison commercial sending when most of us are trying to raise our kids to not cheat or look elsewhere when dating and most of all we are expecting adults to refrain from adultery? We have others asking politicians to step down or be impeached when it comes to light that an affair has happened? I don't want to get into some political debate, just simply wondering what is being promoted, what behaviors are we starting to accept more and more as "normal". Curious what you might think...do you think this commercial puts a temptation in place that didn't and wouldn't exist otherwise? A review talked about the routine and monotonous daily grind that so many feel when the honeymoon wears off and the kids are young. It acknowledges that most want to stay married but for some there's a spark that's missing and this is one avenue that helps fulfill that desire. If this is an outlet that has been agreed upon between a couple so be it but should this be a commercial that teenagers on their way to college and getting involved in relationships should be viewing? What would you tell your kids if this aired while all was watching?

©2009 Savannah Jones

Do we look for love in the wrong places....?

Maybe you've heard this before...if you're looking for a long time love relationship, stay away from the newly divorced man or woman. If you're looking for a relationship based on trust, don't date a married man or woman. If you're looking to be married one day...stay away from the man or woman who is going to waste your time. Okay, the first two we can figure out, but what does a man or woman who is going to waste our time look like? Hmmm....I can narrow it down some for you but we've covered a lot of it already. The question of looking for love in the wrong places and why was brought to my attention in a comment. I immediately had a picture in my mind of the young playboy type guy and someone in their forties and fifties. I'm not saying it couldn't work out but usually these people aren't looking for the same things in life. If you're thinking you don't want to be married one day and you're with someone who also doesn't want to be married then you might have found love in the right place, but if you change your mind...how's this going to work if only one changed their mind? What if the person challenges you and says he/she will change your mind about marriage? Does it mean he/she wants marriage or possess the power to make one wish to settle down? I know a couple of women who have fallen for this, thinking the man will want to marry one day so if they change their mind he'll be open to marriage but until then he's open to just dating so he's okay with it until you aren't. Later they find he was only open to dating and meant exactly what he said...he's capable of making you change your mind. Sure we need to listen and really listen without emotions sometimes but we brush off some very big differences between us because maybe it's true that love is blind. I once heard it said that if you can get through making the big choices together and go about it the same then you have it made...Think about your friends for a moment- you share everything with them and can work out almost anything together but do you agree with their morals and values at all times? What if you are betrayed by this friend would you still want them around? So even finding like interests and finding common ground is great but not fool proof. Finding yourself first before you go looking for someone else is a great idea. You will have a better chance of presenting yourself as a whole and knowing where someone will fit in or not. I thought about how men and women have a list of what they want and/or are just open to finding it all. Then, I thought specifically about this and words on a list don't measure intensity, honesty, discipline, frequency and more and maybe that's where the problem comes in. Is it the hammer and chisel idea? Do we knowingly know we've gone fishing in the wrong pond but think we can take this fish and change him/her to like different waters? I try not to get involved in that one...I have children and don't need to raise and adult one. So to answer the question of do we look for love in the wrong places? Many times we do but not because we wanted to but because we couldn't read all of the signs and once you can...your blinders start kicking in. When asked why do people come here when they know they are in bad relationships wanting something they aren't going to get, I can only answer by saying there's comfort in knowing you're not alone, others make mistakes, and sometimes seeing many other points of view helps one gather strength, knowledge and the confidence to know they'll be okay no matter what.

©2009 Savannah Jones

Keeping this simple...

So here's an easy one... for most, but then I find myself sometimes on the listening end of someone saying things like...Hey, if he can go and have lunch with his "assistant" then I can go and have lunch with my handsome "co-worker" right?

Situation/Question:
You are dating someone and under the impression that you have a commitment to each other. You find out indirectly that an indiscretion took place. It's proof positive that it happened as far as the actual date, meeting, impromptu chance, you name it. This isn't rumor, it just wasn't disclosed to you first hand. It may have been a one time situation, a friend that is forbidden/not agreed upon, or possibly sending out feelers. Either way, it happened, you know and no one has said it's over. Does this mean all bets are off and you can do whatever you want while staying in your relationship but keeping it on the down low too? Does this mean you can start hanging out with that friend from the opposite sex or meet members of the opposite sex in the same way as was done to you?

Write in your stories and thoughts on this...

©2009 Savannah Jones

High maintenance or a matter of "getting" someone?

So just how long do people need to be together before they "get" one another? My children were relaying a story from the past to my best friend. The story was about someone in my space, butting in at a time when most would know to stay quiet around me, and not quite being aware of my own idiosyncrasies and reasons behind them. My friend was laughing thinking of this happening around me and my possible reaction if pushed. My kids were laughing wondering how you can know me but not know these things about me. We all know that we all have different pet peeves or our own way of doing things but most of all that feeling of someone just "getting" you is one I know so many look for. Sometimes if you don't have it you feel like you are constantly struggling to explain who you are, what you like, and the things that get on your nerves and this can be extremely frustrating. What I hadn't seen until that moment with my kids, is how much they pick up on this as well. In my own life, I try to make sure that I don't purposely knock a friend off balance so I don't click my pens when I'm around him. Another person in my life is very sensitive to sarcasm; her friends and I are careful because she gets offended by that form of humor. Do we always see what the big deal is with these issues? Probably not, but out of caring, love and respect it's worth it to pay attention. Some have a built in radar that readily understands the why behind it or don't even care why, but just sense the need to seize certain behaviors. Well... my friend threw out this question to my kids: "What kind of person do you think does this?" Simultaneously, my friend and I said, " someone with their own agenda who isn't listening or picking up on cues from the other person." Being in sync on this didn't happen by accident, it happened because our experiences with people and our backgrounds are for the most part the same. The next idea brought up by my kids - why when you tell someone who you are and what bugs you, do they try and tell you that it doesn't bug you, you're not that way, and say things like, "oh come on you know you're not like that?" After all, I teach my kids what I've said before on here...most of the time we tell people who we are. The example they remembered- two different people asking me to see a horror flick knowing that I used to love those movies. One person completely thought this through before asking and prefaced it with one of those...you might not want to go because____but I know you cover your eyes when those parts come on. Another person completely disregarded my explanation and effort to decline the invitation, then proceeded to tell me I'm not like that. My friend and I talked about how inside some people's minds there's a visual scale and that some people put these thoughts, issues, pet peeves, idiosyncrasies on one side or the other. Possibly one side is labeled "Mismatch" and the other "I'll have to make note and continue to learn about this person." In a respectful tone (thus, showing they "get" me with respect) my friend recognized that I see gray sometimes and might have a third label. That label would be..."Check mark it's there and see if it comes up again and then decide. No learning about the person, just double checking if it will go away. "People's needs change and in certain times pet peeves grow, little nuances enter or become stronger, but what do you do when you want to be "gotten" and your date doesn't "get" it or you? Whose needs should be "gotten" and understood? Think this through before answering...not everything is so simple. Just an example - If you're a person who is touchy feely and someone you're around isn't, whose needs should be met? You can't make someone touchy feely but you can keep yourself from acting on the impulse to reach out and touch someone. Don't talk to me about meeting in the middle because that's the obvious but with this bubble idea there really isn't a middle with people who prefer distance. This isn't trying to say that one person is more difficult than the other. I think at this age the time has probably come for all to realize we have our own ways of doing things but at what point do you take a step back and not intrude, inflict and/or project your belief if you're wanting to be with this person? At what point is succeeding in your agenda all about meeting the needs of the other person? Is there ever that point?

You decide...share....

©2009 Savannah Jones